Chapter 21

Finn

Five years ago

The sound of the waves crashing against the shore fall in time to our rocking in the free-standing hammock strategically placed between the trees outside of our villa and the water. You’d think we were on some tropical island, but we’re not. Kelly said she’s always wanted to go to Italy so that’s exactly where I took her.

We never got a honeymoon. She was pregnant with Logan when we got married and we never went anywhere to celebrate it. Logan. That’s what we named our son. After his death, we hit a dark spot. A place where there was no light. We suffered through it together and I like to believe we’ve come out stronger on the other side.

I can’t describe how it felt. There are no words which can comprise that level of devastation. We may not have gotten to know Logan, but that doesn’t mean we love him any less than parents who get a lifetime with their child. At first, it just got harder instead of easier. The pain didn’t dissipate with the passing of days. It was just too unexpected. Too sudden. Instead of Kelly’s belly continuing to grow, it got smaller.

It’s been almost nine months. We got married two weeks before he died on Christmas.

I feel like we’re finally at a point where we can enjoy things again.

So I took us here, to Italy, during my August break. It’s been ten days of traveling through the country and now we’re relaxing near Tropea, my fingers gliding through her hair. “I love you,” I say.

“Me too,” Kelly says back. “This has been the best vacation of my life. Thank you for taking me.”

I smile at that. “I’d do anything for you, baby.”

“I know you would, Finn.”

We fall silent, back into our rhythmic rocking.

After we lost Logan, Kelly quit her job at the law firm. She was planning on doing so anyway after he was born, but she just couldn’t get out of bed for a while so that’s what happened. Now that nearly nine months has past, she spends her days doing yoga and going out with friends she’s met in her yoga class and learning new recipes which she likes to try out.

Me? I’m still in medical school. It felt impossible to start back immediately after break and though some of my professors were…lenient with me about it, it was a good distraction. So much so that I dove in full steam ahead.

Once I graduate and it’s time for me to find an internship, I’m hoping we can try again. I’m hoping that Logan wasn’t it for us.

We got matching tattoos on our backs of his footprints. We did it on our backs so that we wouldn’t have to see them every day, but so that he’s still a part of us. We really don’t need the ink on our skin to feel him in that way, but I like that he’s permanently etched on me.

We got to hold him, and while I’ll always be grateful for that, I can’t help the agonizing twist of my gut which comes whenever my mind drifts to him. But Kelly refuses to talk about Logan so I don’t bring him up anymore. I guess it’s just too painful for her. I get it. But I still wish I could mention him.

Sometimes I just need to talk about him. Know that he was real.

Even if we lost him.

There’s a lot Kelly doesn’t talk about with me anymore. A lot she holds back. She lost a part of herself with him.

I did too.

“Do we have to go home?” Kelly asks on a sigh. “Can’t we just stay here forever and live off your trust fund?”

I chuckle because I think she’s kidding.

“I’m serious, Finn. I don’t want to go back to New York. I don’t want to live in reality. You have plenty of money. Enough that we could live off of forever and never have to work again.”

“I’m in medical school, baby.”

“Yeah,” she says slowly, like she’s thinking about the way she wants to phrase this. “But that could just be a hobby.”

I inwardly sigh, because that is just a fantasy. Not reality. She can’t run and hide from everything. Pain isn’t location specific. It follows you no matter where you go. “We can’t live here forever. Eventually we have to go home.”

“I don’t want to get pregnant again, Finn. I know you do, but I don’t.”

“We don’t have to do this now, Kelly,” I say to her, shifting so that I can see her face against the moonlight. I love the way she looks when she’s illuminated by the moon. She’s so beautiful. “I’m not in a rush. But eventually, I want us to try again to have a family.”

A tear escapes her eye, rolling down her cheek. I reach up and wipe it away.

“I don’t know if I can do it again.”

“Just think about it. Like I said, we’ve got time and we don’t have to figure it out now.”

Kelly nods, leaning in to kiss me. I kiss her back. “I love you, Finn.”

“I love you, Kelly.” My kisses become more insistent. My hands more urgent. “I’ll always love you. As long as we’re together, nothing else matters.”

“Yes,” Kelly breathes against my lips. “Nothing else matters. Tell me you love me, Finn. Tell me you’ll always love me. Always take care of me.”

“Always,” I promise. “Forever.”

I make love to Kelly in that hammock. I show her that we’re okay. That as long as we have each other, then we can get through anything.

Even our darkness.