Chapter Eighteen

Richard

“What’s wrong with you?” Flora demanded. “You’ve been moping around here for weeks.”

I looked at her over my mug of coffee and shook my head.

“Nothing,” I said. “Just after-Christmas blues.”

“Christmas was over three weeks ago. And since when do you have after-Christmas blues? You barely even seemed to care about Christmas this year.”

I covered my sigh with a deep sip of coffee.

I suppose you’re right.

I looked up at the face of the Grandfather clock and felt my chest clench.

“We should get going,” I said. “We don’t want to be late.”

As I passed through my study, my eyes darted to the top of my desk and the sonogram image that I kept there. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Rue since the day that she handed me that image, the day that I had almost kissed her. I had to tear myself away from her, to leave her behind and try not to think of her again. It was all I could do not to go back to her house. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself do that, not to either of us. Or to Flora.

Now I had to see her again. The day that I had once thought would take a lifetime to get here had arrived more quickly than I expected and now I had to go to the medical center to meet the midwife and get the ultrasound that should let us hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. As much as I looked forward to it, I also dreaded walking into the room with Rue and knowing that I couldn’t be close to her. I could barely even speak to her.

Just as I expected her to be, Rue was sitting on the examination table when Flora and I walked into the room. She had the pink blanket draped over her again and I couldn’t help but think of the last time we were here and the brush of my fingers against hers. Yet again we didn’t look at each other when I walked in and sat in one of the chairs against the wall. We sat in silence until the door opened and a tall, sturdy-looking woman with slate-colored hair and vibrant green eyes walked in. She sat on the stool that had been tucked under the counter and used it to slide over to Rue. When she stopped she let out a sigh and looked into each of our faces, a closed smiled on her lips.

“So,” she said. “How are we all feeling about bringing this beautiful new soul into the world?”

****

Rue

What did she just say?

“What?” Richard said.

“This beautiful new soul,” the midwife repeated. “This new little child. How are we all feeling about bringing it into the world?”

She drew in a breath.

Oh, no, she’s going to sing. Oh, dear lord, she is going to burst into song.

Fortunately, she didn’t. Instead, she introduced herself and went on a complex, meandering talk through everything that I should expect in my pregnancy, including a few things that I would really have preferred her to say when it was just the two of us in the room rather than sharing it so openly with Richard and Flora. There are parts of my body that I don’t want virtual strangers contemplating, particularly in the context that Kathryn had put them in during her pregnancy-in-a-nutshell spiel.

When she was finished, I felt somewhat stunned. I was still trying to internalize the flow of information that she had just given me when the door opened again and Ellery stepped inside.

Oh, perfect. Let’s invite a few more people. Where are Flora’s parents? The lawyer? How about both the boy and girl that were on standby to marry this child when it got old enough.

Ellery greeted Richard and then looked at me.

“Rue,” he said.

“Ellery. I bet you’re glad I’m late, now, aren’t you?”

He looked at me quizzically and then glanced at his watch. I rolled my eyes.

Fucking idiot.

Kathryn turned away from the counter where she had been pulling on gloves and waved her hands frantically at Ellery.

“Go, go, go,” she said. “What are you doing in here?”

“I was checking in on the progress of the project,” he said.

“This isn’t a project,” Kathryn said. “This is a pregnancy and pregnancy is not a spectator sport. Everyone out. This is about me and Rue right now.”

I saw the panic in Richard’s eyes and I shook my head.

“It’s alright. They can stay. It’s their baby. They should be here for this.”

Kathryn glared at Ellery and he scurried out of the room.

“Alright,” she said. “If you’re comfortable with that.”

She pulled out the end of the table and I propped my feet into the stirrups, feeling a few second thoughts as I felt the cold air of the examination room sweep up under the blanket, reminding me of just how familiar the midwife was about to get with me and what both Richard and Flora would witness if they didn’t move to a better angle. I drew in a breath and closed my eyes as Kathryn rode her wheeled stool to the end of the bed and I felt her grab the end of the blanket.

Here we go.

****

Dear Baby,

I heard your heartbeat today. That sentence is far too simple to have the impact that the moment actually had. I wish that I could come up with the words to tell you just how incredible it was to listen to that little rhythm, like a hummingbird within me. I couldn’t bring myself to look at either of your parents while I was listening to it. I shouldn’t admit it, even to you, but I was being selfish. I wanted to have that moment all to myself. I didn’t want to have to see their reaction or to have to share what I was feeling. This is all I have. These are the only moments that I’m ever going to have with you, and I want to make the most of them. I know I’m doing the right thing. I know I am.

There’s another month before I see Kathryn again. By then it will be time for your parents to reveal the pregnancy to everyone. I don’t know how many people they’ve even told about you, or about me for that matter. They might be trying to keep the whole situation completely secret until the first trimester is over. For all I know, though, they might have told everyone that they know and be planning a huge reveal party for Valentine’s Day. Wouldn’t that be something? I can just hear the conversation now…Do you want to go to dinner with me on Valentine’s Day?.... I can’t…. Oh, do you have other plans?.... I do…. A date? .... No, I have to go let the father of the baby I’m carrying announce to his society friends that I’ll be popping out his heir this summer.

I like that I just not only created a conversation, but also a man that would have any interest in bringing me out for Valentine’s Day. That sounds much more pathetic than I really intended it to. It’s just that the dating pool in Whiskey Hollow doesn’t really have a deep end, if you follow me. In fact, it’s more a kiddie pool than it is a full pool. Even if it was, I don’t think that starting up a romantic relationship at the same time as I’m carrying you would really be the best choice. A girl only has but so much of her to go around.

To be honest with you, it’s hard to think of ever having that type of relationship again. I can’t imagine just putting this behind me and moving on like nothing. My heart doesn’t want to move forward, even though I know that I have no choice.

This year, Baby, you’ll be my Valentine. We’ll spend the evening watching romantic comedies and eating chocolate out of a big heart-shaped box. Chocolate out of a heart-shaped box always tastes better than chocolate out of any other type of box. We won’t tell your mommy. She doesn’t need to know.

Thank you for sharing your sweet little heartbeat with me today. I’ll never forget that sound. No matter where I go in life, no matter what happens to me from here on, nothing will ever stop me from remembering what it was like to hear that little beat for the first time. I’ll miss sharing mine with you, but I’m glad that yours is strong.

Rue