Kane
I wake in a cold sweat and fighting to breathe. I know it is another dream but it doesn’t make it any less horrific, sometimes more so. I’m not the kind of man that fears much but the dreams I have, shake me to my core. I have tried to control them but I have no control. The faces of my fallen brothers crying out for help. The stark reality I lived through and the harsh realities that they died in. It’s hard to separate the realities. The entanglement of what really happened or the vision in my dreams. The ghost that haunts me in my nightmares. I know I should have died that day along with the rest of my brothers in that god forsaken desert.
They say I am the lucky one. How is that luck? The man I trusted the most in this world died that day. Two of our most trusted friends died that day. Four of us in one Humvee, one road side bomb, and the explosion that changed all our lives. I am the only one to survive, barely. The doctors put me back together. All three of the men who died had families wholoved and will miss them. I only had a brother who couldn’t take care of himself and his thoughts were to take from others. Stacks had a chip on his shoulder that would not go away. If I had died that day, there would have been no one to mourn my death. Instead, the three men who died will be remembered and their memories cherished by their families.
I fight to control my breathing and slow down my heart rate. At least this time I did not wake up screaming or fighting the shadows in my dreams. Are the shadows real? Everyone says no. Are they real to me? More than reality, sometimes. I look at the alarm clock next to my bed, 4 AM. Three hours of sleep. More than some nights. My clothes and sheets are drenched in sweat. I need more sleep but I know it won’t come. I throw the covers back and sit up on the side of my bed. My feet feel good on the cold floor.
I wipe my hand down my face and reach for the bottle of water on my bedside table. I open the drawer and take one of the bottles of pills there and twist the lid off and take one out. I know I can take one and get another two or three hours of sleep. I know I should, but the voice in my head says this is no way to live. I put the pill back in the bottle and put the lid back on and replace them in the drawer. A pill to sleep, a pill to deal with the depression that comes after the dreams, and a pill to deal with the anxiety of flashbacks. The thought of just ending this hell that I call my life flashes in my head.
I slap my head with the palm of my hand. No! I can’t go there. I promised I would not go there. It would be a disservice to my brothers in arms that died on the side of the road that day. I get off the bed and walk over to my dresser and grab a fresh pair of boxers and a t-shirt. I make my way into my bathroom and turn the hot water on in my shower and then cool it off with just a little cold water. I strip my soaked boxers and t-shirt and throw them on the floor. I put my clean ones on the cabinet and get in the shower. I let the hot water wash away the sticky sweat from my body. I grab the soap and try and scrub the memories away. It doesn’t work. Nothing works.
I let the water calm me and I think about the life I have made for myself in the last year. Meeting my half-brother, Devil, was the best thing that has happened to me since I was discharged from the military. Meeting him and his family saved me. Devil had every reason to hate me but he brought me into the Feral Steel MC and the brotherhood has saved my sorry ass life. Not only the club life but getting to know Devil and his woman, Callie, and their children. It has helped center me.
I prospected for Feral Steel MC for nine months. A short amount of time but I worked my ass off in that time to prove myself. I took every job without complaint. It was not difficult for me to adjust to mentally because it is what was drilled into me when I was in the military. Follow any orders given. Adapt to the job and atmosphere and do the best job of my ability. The physical part was an adjustment. I love my bike but riding it every day with my hip and leg has been a feat in itself. I met that challenge head on and most days now it isn’t any different from the old me. The me from before the accident. That’s the damn thing, it wasn’t an accident. There are days that the pain is almost unbearable. Those days are further and further apart now. I’ll never be the same but I am getting there.
If dealing with life adjustments isn’t enough, I see the sideways glances from some of the brothers. I was voted in unanimously but I feel like I am still proving myself to some of the older members every day. I sometimes think the vote was more about going along with their President, Devil, my half-brother, than really accepting me. Sometimes, I feel like they are just watching and waiting for me to fail or worse, to betray them like Stone had. I would never do that. I pledged my word to the Feral Steel MC and that means everything to me. It’s not the brothers that work beside me every day, but the ones that were loyal to Steel, Devil’s and my dad. A man I never knew, not that I could remember anyway.
The water going cold brings me back out of my head. Retreating to the thoughts in my head is a coping mechanism for me and it needs to stop. I need to stay in the present and start to live again. This pity party shit is getting old. It’s not me and I won’t let it be me. I finish rinsing all the soap off and grab my towel. I hear my bathroom door open and Honey Girl sticks her head in the door. I put my towel around my waist and pull the door the rest of the way open and Honey Girl almost falls into me. I steady her with my other hand.
“What are you doing in my room? I have told you to stay away from me.” Some women just won’t take no for an answer. Club girls serve their purpose and I am not one for judging people on how they live their lives but I am not into sharing women with anyone. I don’t want that type of life anymore. I steer clear of club girls. If I want a female, I will find one on my own. I am no saint by any stretch of the word but I also do not want a woman all my club brothers have had.
“I saw the light under your door and thought I would ask if you wanted some company. I could dry your back.” She reaches her hand out and runs her fingers down my chest. I grab it and pull it away.
“No. I don’t want any company and that will be the answer the next time you approach me. I have tried being nice and you are not getting the damn message so here it is, bluntly. I am not going to fuck you, I am not going to let you blow me or get me off in any way. Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth this time? Do not come in my room ever again. I do not want to disrespect you or be hurtful towards you but you won’t quit.” I try to keep my voice low and without a threating tone but it is hard.
“I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t changed your mind. I was just leaving Hacksaw’s room and the light under the door caught my eye.” Honey Girl is trying to look sexy with pouty lips but they just look ridiculous.
“You just left Hacksaw’s room from fucking him and you thought to tell me this would make me want you?” I know I am being an ass but just the thought pisses me off. “I can tell you it doesn’t. If I want a woman it won’t be one that just fucked someone else.” Honey Girl’s eyes look like she is surprised by what I said but then she smiles.
“If you want me to yourself, I will be with just you. I would make a good ol’ lady.” She tries to get closer to me but I move away from her.
“No. Get out and the next time you come into my room uninvited there will be consequences.” I’ve lost my patience. Honey Girl turns and goes out the door. I slam the door and lock it. I have no idea how I could have forgotten. After the first time some club girl tried to sneak into my bed, I have been keeping it locked. It goes to show I am too tired to keep things straight. I know I need to take my sleep meds for a few days to catch up. I’ll tell Devil, so if he needs me, he knows to knock on my door.
I dress and take care of the rest of my morning routine and leave my room being sure to lock the door. I walk through the community room and it is still trashed from the night before. It’s not like we had a big party or anything but there are empty beer bottles sitting around and shot glasses. Looks like somebody left some pizza boxes sitting around as well. The prospects and club girls have a mess to clean up. I walk on through into the kitchen and I smell the coffee before I even get there. Coffee is a must if I am going to make it through the day. I see Devil sitting at the table and it looks like Callie is starting breakfast.
“Grab a cup and pull up a chair,” Callie says smiling at me. She’s putting bacon in the frying pan. I can smell the biscuits already cooking. Callie doesn’t cook every weekend but when she does there is nothing left when everyone has had their fill.
“Sounds good to me. Smells good in here.” I tell Callie. I don’t understand how Callie can trust me to be around her and her children. My brother, Stacks, attacked Callie more than once, she has no reason to trust me, but she does. Callie is a good woman. Devil is one lucky son of a bitch to have found a woman like Callie. She has a heart as big Texas but when she needs to be she is tough as nails and loyal to the bone.
“What are you doing up so early again?” Devil is always worrying about me getting enough sleep. I finally had to tell him about my sleepless nights and dreams. I only thought it right. I couldn’t patch into the club until he knew. All the brothers had to know so I told them before the vote. I was still voted in but I think they think of me as their weakest link. Everyone knows a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. I have been determined to show them I am not the weak one.
“The dreams again. The next couple of nights I am going to take my meds. As soon as I am finished for the day then I will turn in to get my eight hours of sleep.” I hate this part. Although, Devil is always understanding.
“We have already told you, whatever you need. You’re always the first one to volunteer for jobs and if you need some time to sleep it is just what you need. No big deal. We all work around what everyone needs. It’s not like it is a big deal.” I knew this was how Devil would react.
“Your nephews are asking when Uncle Kane is coming back over to play fort. They miss you.” Callie always tries to get me involved with Kellan and Killian. They are good boys and I enjoy spending time with them.
“I’ll get by this week if we don’t have any runs. I think I enjoyed playing with them as much as they liked it.” It is the truth.
“Now when it rains and we can’t take them outside they are always wanting me to put up forts in the living room with their blankets. That is easier said than done with this baby growing.” Callie runs her hand over her pregnant belly. Devil and Callie are wasting no time in expanding their family. They say they want a house full and I believe them. Callie has a funny look on her face. “Devil, why doesn’t Kane have a road name yet? He’s been here long enough.” Devil laughs at that.
“He’s too damn quiet to get a road name. He doesn’t show his ass like the rest of us. It’ll happen. I know it is going to be good one.” Devil laughs as he says it.
“Well, I know what got me up so damn early on a Saturday morning but why are you two up and at the clubhouse? Shouldn’t you be at home with my nephews and doing the family thing?” I look from Devil to Callie.
“Fe gave us the night off after he came in last night so we came here for some adult time with no kids knocking on the door,” Callie says but I know what that means. Devil has a shit eating grin on his face. “Then this one inside of me seems to want bacon at this ungodly hour.”
“The perks of keeping my woman knocked up. My woman is always ready for me and then I get a great breakfast to boot.” Callie gives Devil a look but he just laughs it off. “I love my boys, not a damn thing I wouldn’t do for them, but they cock block me every time. Can’t believe we are forced to come to the club so I can fuck my ol’ lady the right way.” Callie and Devil both laugh.
“Sweet talk. That’s all your brother gives me is sweet talk.” Devil gets up and goes to refill his coffee cup and smacks Callie on the ass as he walks by. That right there is exactly what I want. I know I don’t deserve it and I probably will never find it but seeing Devil and Callie together it gives me hope. I’m glad my brother has that. Honey Girl and Hacksaw walk into the kitchen. Hacksaw sees Callie is at the stove cooking and he smiles. All the brothers love it when one of the women decides to cook. We are usually left with what the prospects bring back from some drive thru. Sometimes one of the club girls or hang arounds decide to cook something but it is usually when one of them is trying to impress a brother with their cooking skills. It’s also hit or miss on how it turns out. Hacksaw walks over to get himself a cup of coffee and Honey Girl sits down in a chair next to me. I get up and move my chair closer to Devil. Devil gives me a questioning glance but Callie gives me a knowing smile.
“You think Honey Girl is going to bite or something?” Hacksaw asks with a smirk on his face.
“No. I think I don’t want her getting any ideas. I already had to put her out of my room this morning.” Hacksaw lifts his eyebrow and then looks at the woman sitting at the table.
“Honey Girl, I thought you said that you went to get water this morning.” Hacksaw is looking at her like he is shocked at her lying to him.
“I did get water. I just stopped by Kane’s room to see if he needed anything since his light was on so early.” I am not letting that one slide.
“Is that the reason you came into my room without permission? Then you tried to come into my bathroom when I was in the shower. Again, without permission. I’ve warned you for the last time.” I lay it out straight so everyone knows, so when I kick Honey Girl out on her ass the next time she tries it, everyone knows why. Devil looks from me to Honey Girl.
“You’re a real Romeo, aren’t you? All the club girls are just waiting for a chance at you since you don’t seem interested in any of them. Hell, you could have them all at one time.” Hacksaw is teasing me but it rubs me the wrong way with the sleep than I have had.
“Fuck you, man. Don’t want any woman all my brothers have been inside of. I don’t work that way and I am not a Romeo.” Hacksaw looks like I am amusing him. Bowie walks in the room.
“Sounds like we have found Kane’s road name.” I glare at him and Hacksaw both. Bowie just laughs. “Yep, Romeo it is.” I know better than to argue, it will just make it worse.
“Romeo, it fits. No one is less like Romeo than our man Kane. I like it.” Hacksaw is trying not to laugh but does a piss poor job at it.
“Did you hear that, Callie? Kane has his road name, meet Romeo.” Well shit, Devil is jumping on it too.
“Well Romeo, since they want to gang up on you then you get to fix your plate first. They can eat our leftovers.” Callie turns to put the bowl of eggs on the table. She has the plate of bacon in the other hand and sets them on the table. Then she turns and goes to the cabinet and gets herself and me a plate. She brings them back to the table and hands me mine.
“Thank you, Callie.” She nods her head at me and smiles then turns back to the stove and brings the biscuits back. When she gets close enough to Devil he pulls her to him and kisses her. She steps back from him and hands him her plate and goes back to the cabinet. Bowie is already there and hands Callie another plate.
“Did everyone see that? I now have witnesses.” Devil says grinning. “I kissed my ol’ lady into submission.”
“Not funny, Devil. The only submission you get from me is what I want to give. Your child is demanding bacon and this is the fastest way to get it.” Callie is fixing her plate. She hands it to Devil and takes his plate and puts food on it. She moves around the table and is going to take the chair next to Devil while the rest of us fix our plates but Devil pulls her into his lap. This is nothing unusual. I don’t think that Devil knows his wife can sit on furniture. She’s always on his lap. Sometimes these two are a little hard to be around because they are so in love. Devil looks up and looks at Honey Girl. She looks a little nervous with his eyes on her.
“Honey Girl, we have rules here for a reason. Do not let me hear of you going in another brother’s room without their permission. Only warning you’ll get. Follow the rules or leave and don’t come back. Next time you won’t get the choice. Do you understand?” Devil is not yelling or being hurtful but everyone can hear exactly how serious he is.
“I understand. I won’t let it happen again.” No one in the room believes her. Devil looks back at me dismissing anything else Honey Girl might have added.
“Kane, after we eat I want you and Hacksaw to ride over to the gym we just bought. I am meeting a building inspector there to go over everything we need to do to get the place back up to the city code so we can get the doors back open. I want you two to talk to some of the old employees. I need names so Oz can check everyone out, he’ll be meeting us later. The sooner the gym is bringing in money, the better.” Devil is doing his best to bring this club back to making as much money as when it wasn’t legit. We may have to put in more hours than they are used to but none of the brothers that are left from when Steel was president complain. I wasn’t around back then but I have heard stories of some of the shit they were into and I am glad we are getting away from it.
“Don’t you mean Romeo?” Hacksaw is laughing.
“I’m not calling a brother Romeo. That’s as bad as the name Pretty Boy they tried putting on me. Rome, it is. Kane, get that patch taken care of.” Devil saves my ass the embarrassment of being called Romeo.
“It’s about damn time he got his name,” Crockett says walking into the room. This room is getting full. I finish my food off and take my plate to the sink. I walk by Devil and Callie on the way.
“I’ll order the patch for you and sew it on when it gets here,” Callie tells me.
“Thank you, Callie, that’ll help. Thanks for the breakfast too.” I tell Callie and she gives me a big smile.
“I’ll be outside waiting when you two are ready,” I tell Devil and Hacksaw and head out the back door so I can breathe again. The fresh spring air helps. Crowded spaces make me feel closed in so I take the fastest exit.