I hadn’t spoken to Lynn in a number of years, so when she called out of the blue, I was surprised. I was even more surprised to discover the reason for her call was regarding Anthony. Apparently, he’s been visiting a dungeon up in the Bay Area since last month, but for pain. Beating sessions.

Lynn had actually watched a few of Anthony’s beating sessions and said that he was more aloof and disconnected during and after the beatings than she had ever seen him. She explained that even though the Top stayed around Anthony afterward, that little care could be provided.

“You know how that young man is, Blake. No one gets too close to him. I tried for years while he was scening here regularly. All the girls loved him, but he wouldn’t look at them when they would blow him. Keith, the Top who handled the beatings, did the best he could with Anthony after those sessions; he tried to get Anthony to engage in some conversation. Anthony knew enough to make sure he was properly hydrated,” Lynn explained.

That sure sounded like the Anthony I know. Very self-sufficient and distant.

“Do you want me to have Keith give you a call, Blake?” Lynn asked me.

“No, I appreciate the call, Lynn. Thank you.”

I hung up the phone and leaned back in my chair and thought.

I knew Anthony’s motives and reasoning behind feeling like he needed a beating session. And that’s what bothers me so much about this. I don’t want him caught up in a bad mix of pain and violence. I don’t believe that he’s a masochist, but I believe he’s chasing feelings and emotions away with physical pain. It’s dangerous and I don’t think that he understands what he’s doing. But until he figures it out, I won’t minimize that “need” he thinks he has, but I won’t encourage it either.

Anthony is so young, and I know he is struggling with the loss of his father. I need to step it up and help him before he gets hurt and in over his head. One thing that wasn’t sitting well with me was that he has had to have heard this from someone. Though he’s gaining experience at a rapid pace, this wouldn’t have been something that would have been lying out in Kink Magazine for him to wrap his mind around.

No. Someone told him about this. And I had my suspicion as to who it was.

This wasn’t a good thing for Anthony to be involved with. Though I knew why he was doing it, I needed to hear it from him.

* * *

I checked my watch as I approached Anthony’s door. I told him I’d be stopping by this evening. He opened the door and invited me in. Anthony is a tough guy to crack, but every wall has a weak point and a stress fracture.

Once we were seated on his couch, I cut to the chase quickly.

“I got a call this morning from an old friend of mine.”

“Oh yeah?” Anthony asked.

I nodded.

“I think she knows you. Mistress Lynn.”

Anthony nodded and looked down. When he sighed, I was pretty sure he knew what direction this conversation was going in.

“Anthony, you’re at the beginning of a very dark road. It’s not a good path to be on. I think I know why you’re doing it, but I am going to do everything I can to discourage you from doing it.”

He stood and began to pace the length of his living room while his hand rubbed on his chest.

“Blake…it helps.”

“It’s not. You might think it’s helping, but I promise you, it’s just numbing you.”

“I don’t know how to explain any of it to you, Blake. It just helps.”

“What is it helping you with?”

“The fucking ache in my chest! It’s there when I go to bed and when I wake up. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest.”

“Anthony, you’re grieving the loss of your father.” He shook his head at me. “Yes, Anthony. This is normal.”

Something I said affected him, and he shut his eyes and looked away.

“I miss him, Blake. I only got to spend a few years with him. My chest just hurts so much. The sessions were helping though. The pain goes away.”

“Anthony, your brain was releasing a chemical and preventing you from aching. Once that chemical runs its course, you’re going to feel the same ache. This is something you can’t force. Time is the only thing that will heal this.”

“But it was worth it not to feel this way even for a little while.”

My heart went out to him. He didn’t know what to do with these feelings of his, and he was trying to prevent himself from having them. It doesn’t work like that. I don’t know what lies in his past with his mother and stepdad, but I have a feeling that he didn’t grow up in a very loving household.

I don’t want him to seek the hands of strangers for this. I’ve given it some thought, and if he tells me again that he “needs” this, then I’ll tell him that I’ll do it. At least then I’d know he was safe. Bruised and sore, but safe. There is a huge difference there and I’m certain he wasn’t getting the care end of what was needed after those beatings in San Francisco.

“Anthony, please promise me that you’re going to stop these physical sessions. Promise me that if you feel like you absolutely need that, that you’ll come talk to me before you follow through with it.”

He nodded.

“I can do that. I promise.”

“I need to ask you something else…where did you hear about physical pain sessions resolving emotional pain?”

“Irons…Paul mentioned it to me after my dad died. I didn’t understand it, but was interested if something would take this pain away. I called a friend of mine in California and asked him to explain it to me.”

I nodded at him. Paul; just as I suspected.