I was watching the Cal Bears basketball game when my phone rang. Forty-five seconds left on the clock.

“Fuck,” I swore out loud and walked to the phone without taking my eyes off the TV.

“Hello,” I said into the receiver, but only partially paying attention.

“Anth, can we meet at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow instead of 7:30 a.m. for coffee?” Colin asked.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“I’m going to announce that Everett Gaming officially inked a contract with Harrah’s. So, I need a little time to prep.”

I watched the fucking basketball bounce off the damn rim.

“Fuck!” I said.

“What?”

“Sorry, I’ve got the game on. Cal is losing.”

“Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. UCLA kicked ass again tonight,” Colin jabbed.

“Wonderful.”

“Ok, ok. Go watch Cal lose. Don’t forget—”

“7:00 a.m. I won’t forget.”

Even though I hurt from head to toe, I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. I ran until I got to the park and stopped when I hit the fence to the tennis court. I spit on the ground as I braced myself against the fence with my arms stretched out, grasping the metal chain links. Trying to rid my mouth of the foul taste, I spit again.

I was furious and wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. My face felt as though it was cracking; the tears had dried on my cheeks as I ran.

I gathered the saliva in my mouth and spit again.

With my chest heaving, I stood upright and still for a moment to catch my breath. I shoved my hand down the back of my pants and touched the wet spot from Bruce.

My anger was so hard to control, and I kicked the tennis court fence. I was breathing harder now and wiped more tears from my eyes. As I kicked the fence, the wet spot pressed against my skin even more.

I HATE THE WAY I FEEL!

I kicked the fence some more and tasted that stuff again. I had to get it out of my system. I knelt down on the damp grass and stuck my finger deep into my mouth to try and reach my tonsils. It worked, and I quickly threw up everything that was in my stomach onto the grass.

I still tasted it.

I repeated the gagging process a few more times and discovered that the taste wasn’t going away. Gripping the tennis court fence, I pulled myself up off the ground and began walking toward a picnic table. As I walked, I felt my stomach shaking. Why does it do this?

I had to get this underwear off. I trudged to the dimly lit bathroom and went into a stall. I pulled my pants off and then my underwear. I stared at the wet spot and the phrase, “I’m an accident,” written in marker. It had faded some but was still there on the band. I pulled on my pants and noticed how much worse everything hurt without the underwear. I rolled them up and threw them in the trashcan before I headed back out to the park.

In the distance, the lights were on at the little league baseball diamond, and a game was being played. I made my way over, spitting as I went. I sat down in the grass near left field and watched the kids play. They looked like they might be close to my age.

As the innings changed, I pulled at the grass and continued to spit on the grass beside me. Suddenly, I heard my name and quickly looked up.

“Anthony…hi, Anthony.”

The boy who just took left field waved at me. It was Brock from school! He and I were in the same second grade class last year. I waved, and he turned around to pay attention to the game. I wished I could play baseball. I watched the rest of their game, forgetting everything that happened at home tonight.

Soon, the bleachers were empty. All the parents and siblings had gone home with their sons and brothers. I watched Brock leave with his parents, and older brother and an older man. Maybe his grandfather.

I spotted a Gatorade bottle that had been left behind and pushed myself off the ground. I was still spitting and desperate to get rid of the taste. I sat down on the wooden bench in the dugout and picked up the bottle that was half empty. No one was around, so I drank it. I swished it around in my mouth and then spit it out. I did this a few times before I swallowed some of it. It was really good.

My body was stiff as I made my way home. I hope they’re asleep so I can clean up and sleep. I have a spelling test tomorrow.

I crept into the dark house and was tip-toeing to my room when the living room light flicked on. Bruce sat in his chair, smoking and holding a beer bottle. On the floor, next to him were several bottles, and dangling over the arm of his recliner, was a belt.

“Where have you been, Anthony?”

“Out.”

“Fucking smart ass.”

Bruce stumbled out of the chair, grabbed me by the throat and shoved me against the wall. My head banged against the wall, and then the spots started to fill my vision.

I bolted up in bed and quickly turned the light on.

“Fuck,” I said out loud and tried to catch my breath and glanced at the clock; 1:35 a.m.

My chest was drenched in sweat, and I climbed out of bed, wide awake. I went to the kitchen and downed a glass of water before pacing the living room. I was trying hard to shake the dream, but couldn’t. I went back to my room and pulled on some shorts, shoes and a t-shirt and went for a jog.

Just like my nine-year-old self did in my nightmare, I ran. I ran around the neighborhood eight times before I went back home. I stood still in the shower as memories of passing out danced in my head. I stretched my arms out on the shower wall and let the water spill over my body as the memories flooded my mind.

Passing out always scared the shit out of me when I was young. By the time I hit middle school, it had angered me. And in high school, it filled me with uncontrollable rage. Memories of what happened when I lost time like that, were non-existent. I never knew what happened during that time, and it was frightening. When I was little and in elementary school, I’d cry when I came around. Confused and hurting, sometimes I’d seek out my mom and sometimes Bruce or Connor. After I’d wake up in my teen years, I had learned how to keep to myself and try to think of what happened. I’d concentrate hard, and I focused on hints of what might have happened. But anger and frustration would always win; I rarely knew exactly what happened when I’d pass out from pain. I typically woke up hurting though.

I snapped out of it and shut the water off. It was 2:45 a.m. as I dried off and pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt. I grabbed my jacket and headed to the Mirage Hotel and Casino.

For a half an hour, I did nothing but walk around the casino. Realizing what I must look like on surveillance, I sat down and mindlessly put money into some machines. I took a mental note of how their video poker machines lacked the customization that Everett Gaming could give them. I'd mention it to Colin. I walked some more looking at things from a business perspective before ending up in the sports book. I watched highlights and flirted with another server. She had beautiful sun-kissed skin, and I imagined her with rope wrapped around her wrists, tied to a post in Irons. When I noticed a wedding ring though, I stopped flirting back with her. The next time she came by, I tipped her and moved on.

Looking at my watch, I saw that it was almost 4:30 a.m. I found the café and was happy when I saw they had pancakes. I thought back to the first time I had them when I was seventeen and in the hospital…when my dad came for me.

Fuck.

Dad. I missed him.

The sun was coming up when I got home, and I went to get ready for work. It worked out for the best since I was meeting Colin a half hour earlier.

I was early and took our usual seat at the coffee shop in the atrium. My ass was dragging. After the sleepless night, early morning jog, and hours spent at the Mirage, I was in need of some coffee. While I was reading the sports page, Colin appeared and set his keys down on the table.

“Your usual, boring coffee?” he asked.

“Of course.”

“I’ll get it. Be right back.”

Colin disappeared and quickly returned with our coffee. He seemed to be in a really good mood today.

“Fucking Cal Bears lost last night,” I bitched and then tossed the paper down.

I sipped on the coffee and watched him smile and then laugh.

“You’ll manage,” he said.

“Everyone will be really excited about the Harrah’s deal, Col. I understand why you’re all smiles this morning.”

He had a weird gleam in his eye as he stared at me over the coffee cup. I was going to tease him and ask if he had some platinum pussy last night, but Colin has gotten like me; he just seems to have sex with women when we co-top. And since we started doing that in December, we’ve been teaming up on subs nearly every weekend. So, I knew it probably wasn’t sex that he was smiling about.

We got upstairs, and Colin went straight to his office to prep for the staff meeting this morning. I went to my little corner and began organizing my day while I waited for the meeting. About ten minutes before the meeting was to start, I headed to the large room where Colin holds group functions and large meetings like this.

Noticing that breakfast pastries and fruit had been catered, I helped myself to a banana and a giant chocolate chip muffin. Even after eating pancakes and fruit early this morning after my jog, I was still hungry. I seem to constantly be hungry anymore.

I took a seat and shoveled the food in my mouth as more people arrived. Colin was standing at the front of the room talking to some people and looking every bit of the corporate CEO that he was. He’s got his shit together.

The meeting started, and everyone clapped and cheered as he announced the 2,500 game deal with Harrah’s. Colin’s been trying to get into some of the larger casinos, and I have no doubt he’ll continue to grow. He has his eyes set on an international contract too, which he knows is extremely hard to land. He’ll get there. He wants it and is determined.

“Before you guy’s head back to your day, I have one more announcement.” The chatter died back down, and everyone gave Colin their attention. “Everett Gaming is growing, and we need to be prepared for the growth. As you all know, I’m picky.” There was a clamor of light laughs to play along with Colin. Everyone in the company spoke highly of Colin and respected him. He wasn’t like a lot of bosses. “I’ve decided that while I want to have my hand in everything, I simply can’t. Last month, the talks with Harrah’s wouldn’t have gone as well as they had if it weren’t for one employee. The day before my meeting with Harrah’s, I asked Anthony Graves to go with me. I thought it’d be a great learning experience for him to attend a meeting with me. Many people would have nodded and just shown up. But Anthony researched the hell out of Harrah’s and on our way to the meeting, he rattled off some info that ended up giving Everett Gaming an advantage over our competition.”

My heart was pounding as Colin spoke of me and strolled down the center aisle toward me.

“We landed that contract because of Anthony’s research. I hadn’t asked him to do it, he just did it. I need someone who I know and trust will always have my back and best interest in mind.” Colin stopped in front of me, smiling. “Please help me congratulate the new Chief Financial Officer of Everett Gaming, Anthony Graves.”

What?

The room erupted in cheers and applause as I sat stunned. Colin laughed and held his hand out for me to shake. Fuck me. CFO! Me!

I stood and shook his hand, and the applause grew. The loudest applause came from the guys in the finance department. I was stunned but managed to thank everyone and smile. Eventually, the room cleared out before Colin and I left.

“Are you sure you want me in that position? I mean, there are a lot of good guys in the finance department,” I said as we walked toward his office.

“I know they’re all fantastic guys. And since that Harrah’s meeting, I’ve spoken to each of the guys in finance about their thoughts on you being named CFO. None of them hesitated, and all of them had complimentary things to say about you.”

I was lost in my own thoughts and thought we were heading to Colin’s office, but he pulled me toward another door. He leaned on it and pointed to the nameplate. It had my name on it, and I couldn’t help but smile broadly. Colin laughed and clasped his hand down on my shoulder before opening the door.

“You can decorate however you want. In fact, Hannah will be chatting with you this afternoon regarding furniture. And yes, Hannah is your secretary,” Colin said.

I walked over to the window and looked out at the Strip. This office was incredible, even without furniture in it. Since there wasn’t any furniture, we went to his office, which was right beside mine, and we went over my contract. Everything was all set, and I was now making a healthy six-digit salary.

My dad would be proud of this.