Chapter Six
The following Friday…
Drinks after work? Boynton’s?
Jesse looked down at the text from Benji. Sure. How early can you get there? I’m off at four.
I can be there early, if you want. Might be best because I need to talk. Grab a booth in back if you get there first.
Talk? Jesse drew in a breath. What would they be talking about? Hayden came to mind… for the millionth time that week. Sure.
Hours passed at work… unproductive hours, though not many had been productive that week. He snuck out a little before four and headed to the bar. After ordering a beer, he headed to one of the booths near the back of the row, farthest from the door. About fifteen minutes later, Benji showed up and grabbed a beer before heading over to sit.
“You’ve been quiet this week,” Benji said. “You okay?”
Jesse nodded. He still felt as if the life had been sucked out of him. Worse, he didn’t know how to feel about it. There was an empty space within him where Hayden usually fit. Not having his best friend around was tearing him apart.
That last kiss still hung in his mind. The drunken one, he’d been able to explain away. Monday night, Hayden had been stone sober.
Every time he thought about it, his heart raced a little faster and his stomach twisted into knots.
“That wasn’t much of an answer,” Benji said.
Jesse was thoughtful a moment. “You ever had someone show you a side of themselves you’d never known existed… and been terrified and excited all at the same time?”
Benji frowned. “I don’t know what you mean, exactly.”
“A friend of mine… a guy I thought was straight… well, I found out that might not be the case… and I don’t know how to react…”
Benji’s face turned red. “How the hell did you find out?”
“Huh?” Jesse was confused at Benji’s tone. “You knew?”
“Knew? Well, yeah.”
Jesse leaned back. “Hay told you?”
Benji’s eyes grew wider. “Wait… what? Hay? Hayden’s gay?”
Jesse realized he’d said too much and his gut twisted. “Nooo… Hay’s also… a friend of this person, so… I assumed he… might’ve told you.” The lie didn’t roll too easily off his tongue.
Benji grew quiet, staring at Jesse. He took a drink from his beer. “Are you talking about me?”
It was Jesse’s turn to be confused. And then it hit him. That look Benji had given Mac. “You? No… I’m not talking about you. I swear.”
Benji tilted his head to the right. “That’s why I asked you to come have a drink tonight. I had something to tell you.”
Jesse leaned onto the table between them and waited for whatever it was that Benji had to say. In his gut, he thought he might know.
“I’ve tried to deny something for a long time. Too long. And I can’t keep it up.”
Jesse sat there, silent for a moment. He didn’t want to ruin Benji’s moment. “Okay.”
“The fact that you’re freaking out about this friend who might be gay… I’m not sure how you’re going to take this news.”
“Just spit it out.”
“I’m bi,” Benji said in a rush. He seemed to breathe a little harder when he was done.
Benji stared at the beer in his hand, as if he refused to look at Jesse’s face.
Jesse sat back against the padded leather seat, his mind wrapping around the news that had just been delivered. He’d seen that smile, and he’d sensed there was something to it—but having Benji make the admission—that was different.
Benji liked guys. Did that change who he was? No. Benji was still Benji—the same guy he’d known since freshman English. The same guy who’d tutored them all through math classes. The same guy who had been there for him each and every time bad shit had gone down.
Benji was the guy you could depend on. The true friend.
Like Hayden.
No, like Hayden had been.
This new Hayden… the partying, the women, the sex…
The kisses…
Jesse pushed all that from his mind. Now was about Benji and this admission that had likely taken every ounce of strength his friend had.
After a few seconds, Benji tentatively lifted his stare and met Jesse’s.
“How long have you known?” Jesse asked.
Benji shrugged. “I’ve always felt an attraction to other guys… for as long as I can remember. Just as I’ve always been attracted to women. I hid that part of me for a long time…”
Jesse considered those words. “So you were born this way.”
“I believe so.”
“So, you didn’t just wake up one morning and think, I just might be into dudes today,” Jesse said.
Benji frowned. “No. That’s not exactly how this works.” Benji sighed. “Look, maybe you need some time to deal with what I’ve just told you. Out of all the guys, I’d hoped you would be the one who was okay with this.”
“I am okay,” Jesse said, leaning in. His questions had been aimed at himself, not Benji. Fuck, here I am messing up more shit, saying the wrong things, as usual. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like I wasn’t. I’ll be there for you no matter who you love. I was just curious how you… knew.”
Benji nodded. “I just knew.”
Jesse was silent a moment, considering his own sexuality. He’d always loved women… and there had never been a man whom he’d felt attracted to.
Except for Hayden.
It was an attraction he’d beaten into submission over the years. Maybe he’d beaten it down so much, he couldn’t figure out a way to let it back into the light of day. “I’ve never quite understood how someone could like men and women.”
“I’m attracted to people. Not gender. If there’s someone who I feel a connection to, it doesn’t matter what’s between their legs. I want to know them… I want them to know me.” Benji paused. “And no, I’m not attracted to you, if that helps anything.”
“Why not?” Jesse said. “I’m a catch.”
Benji chuckled.
Silence fell between them for a moment.
“So… are we okay?” Benji asked.
“Of course we are,” Jesse said. “Seriously. Whoever you love, I’m good with it. I’ll be there to support you. Whoever.”
Benji sat silently a second or two. “Like, maybe, Mac?”
Jesse smiled. “I saw the way you were looking at him.”
“Bullshit.”
“At the gym… I saw you look up at him with this smile and I thought to myself… he digs the guy. Seems I was right.”
Benji’s lips twerked into an almost smile. “Yeah. Maybe.”
“No wonder you were up his ass the other night.” Jesse laughed. “You really wanted to be up his ass. Or, maybe you wanted him to be up yours, I don’t know which way you butter your bread.”
Benji’s face grew red again. “Stop.”
Jesse smiled. “Sorry, I couldn’t help it. Also, I don’t want to know how you butter your bread. Just putting that out there. It was a joke, one in poor taste.”
“Yeah.” Benji looked back down at his beer.
Jesse knew he been so preoccupied that his reaction had been sideways. He needed to make sure he didn’t ruin another friendship in a week. “Mac seemed like a nice enough guy. You two were thick as thieves the other night.”
Benji smiled and Jesse liked seeing it on his friend’s face. If Mac could put that smile there…
“Mac’s amazing.” Benji took a sip from his drink. “I get the feeling he might be interested, and then in the next second, I’m not sure.”
“If you’re interested… just give it a chance. Either he wants you or he doesn’t. No reason to drag it out and wonder.”
Benji chuckled. “That advice sounds familiar.”
“What do you mean?”
“I gave Hay the same advice last week.”
Jesse froze. “What?”
“That girl he’s pining over.”
“Who’s that?”
Benji frowned. “You’re his best friend and you don’t know? I figured you’d be the one person who had all the details.”
Jesse shook his head, a knot forming in his throat. “Who is she?”
“I’ve never been able to get him to talk about who it is… most he’s ever said is that he knows his interest would never, ever be shared. He’s tore up from it—and personally, I think that’s the reason he fucks around and drinks too much. He’s pining for some girl he sees as untouchable and it’s slowly killing him.” Benji paused to take a drink.
Jesse struggled for air. Was this some woman…
Or…
“I told Hay that he just needs to man up. Put it out there that he’s interested. If she’s not… she’s not. Move on,” Benji said. “If she is, then great. Pretty much the same advice you gave me.”
“Yeah,” Jesse murmured. I’m his best friend. If there was a woman he was after… he would’ve told me.
“Either way, he needs to get his act together. The drinking and the women… he’s got to slow down.”
Jesse nodded. “He does. I’m worried about him.”
Benji nodded before taking the last sip from his beer. “If you don’t mind, I think I might go take your advice. Maybe I’ll see if Mac wants to go have some dinner tonight.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Jesse said. “Text me and let me know how things go, eh?”
“You sure you really want to know?”
“I do,” Jesse said, holding Benji’s stare. “I really do.”
Benji smiled before sliding out of the booth. “Thanks, man.”
Jesse stood up and placed a few bills on the table before they both headed out.
Once Jesse was in behind the wheel of his car, he sat there, his mind reeling.
His mind went back over the conversation he’d just had with Benji before turning on the car and throwing it into drive. When he reached Hayden’s house thirty minutes later, he stood in front of the door, his heart beating madly in his chest.
Swallowing back the fear, he knocked.
Jesse’s feet were ready to run. To race in the other direction. A lot of years hung between them, a friendship he’d held close on the line. But even that wasn’t the same anymore.
They were being torn apart by this thing between them.
Either he lost a friend…
Or gained a lover.
A frown came to his face when the door didn’t open. Hay’s car was outside, so Jesse was fairly certain the guy was home. He pounded on the door once more. Moving closer to the door, he didn’t hear a sound inside.
His heartbeat still echoed in his ears.
Fishing his phone from his pocket, he quickly made a call. Straight to voice mail. Where is he?
Jesse rested his forehead on the wooden door. Disappointment flooded his veins. One more missed chance…
Was this the universe giving him a sign?
Were they all out of chances?
He felt his phone vibrating in his hand. Clay. He answered the call, turning to rest his back on Hayden’s door.
“What’s up?” he asked, trying to ensure his tone was even.
“I have a message for you,” Clay said. “From Hayden.”
Jesse’s throat tightened.
“He’ll be gone for a couple of weeks.”
Gone? No goodbye? Why didn’t he tell me he was leaving? Jesse closed his eyes. He knew why. They were broken. He’d already lost his best friend.
“Where?” Jesse asked, his voice low.
“He just needed to get away for a while. To get his head on straight,” Clay said.
“Where, Clay?”
“Where doesn’t matter,” Clay answered. “Just… give him a minute to breathe. He’ll be in better shape when he gets home.”
“I’m his best friend,” Jesse said. He felt a stabbing pain in his chest… knowing that was no longer true. “He should’ve… he should’ve come to me.”
Clay was silent on the other end. “Well… he came to me. And I delivered the message, as promised.”
Jesse felt like his world was spiraling out of control.