Chapter 3
Kathryn
After the match, I could tell Sheila hadn’t expected such fierce competition. I had killed it, and she hadn’t stood a chance. Maybe I should have taken it a little easy, but I wasn’t the type to mess around and just hit the ball back and forth. When I played tennis, I liked healthy competition, and I wanted to get my workout, so I challenged my opponents with everything I had.
I’d overestimated Sheila’s skills, though, and I’d shut her out with game, set, match three times. She was gasping, and I was pleasantly winded as we came to the net and decided we were done. She wasn’t happy, and I had to lie and tell her it was still a good game. She’d been a worthy opponent. The truth was, I hadn’t really been challenged at all, and I sort of felt sorry for her.
Not everyone had my sort of drive to win, or the spirit to make it happen.
I offered to buy her coffee, but she looked so forlorn I felt guilty and let her convince me to go to lunch. I, of course, as a good sport, paid, and I was definitely glad I’d chosen a small café that was fast and light. Sheila took advantage of the freebie like a champ. I’d never seen anyone order so many different items on the menu. By the time all was said and done, I could have bought her a nice steak with a decent glass of wine, and I vowed never to be so generous again.
I hated sore losers, but I hated users even more.
When we were done, she wanted to go to the salon for hair and nails and make it a girls’ day out, but I’d had enough. Aside from the obvious offense of having been taken advantage of, I’d heard enough about various doctors and their extracurricular activities with nurses or patients. Besides, I could just imagine getting everything done, and then Sheila claiming she’d left her credit card at home, prompting me to offer to pay for it and let her catch it next time. I said a gracious goodbye and bounced back toward home. She couldn’t ruin my mood.
However, checking my phone and finding nothing from Zane threatened to dampen it. I looked at the time. He’d had several hours to respond, and it was late in the afternoon. I knew he was a busy guy with a club to run, but I couldn’t imagine he wouldn’t stop and take fifteen seconds to answer after the night we’d had. Just to make sure the message hadn’t gotten lost over the airwaves, I sent another, shorter one, simply asking him to call me when he had a chance.
I felt better about it, but I had a half hour walk home, and when I reached the door, I still had nothing in return. Not a ‘hi’ or an ‘I’ll talk to you later.’ Nothing.
My frustration hit a high note, and I was relieved to be home, where Crystal would listen to me while I vented about how discouraged I felt and how offensive it was for Zane to ignore me. It was incredibly insensitive and didn’t fit the character profile I’d started to create for him. I couldn’t have misread the signals to such a horrible degree, could I?
I stomped up the stairs like some teenager whose prom date hadn’t called to say he picked up his tux, and threw open the door to the apartment. I saw Crystal in the kitchen – she seemed to be there a lot lately – and began my rant as I bent to take off my shoes. “You know, there’s no excuse in this day and age for a man not to pick up the phone and at least tell you he can’t talk right now. A text, a call, anything would work.”
“Kathryn…”
I heard her, but I didn’t stop as I untied the second sneaker. “I’m so sick of playing games with people. Why is it always like this? Why can’t men just be adults when it comes to intimacy?”
“Kathryn!” Her insistent tone had me standing up straight, and she had a pasted on grin as she motioned toward the couch. “Look who came by to say hello. He even brought flowers.”
I gaped awkwardly at Christian, who stood up with a hesitant smile, a bouquet of roses in his hand. I didn’t glance around the apartment at the lilies and only hoped he assumed they were Crystal’s. But after the verbal diarrhea that came with my tantrum, I’m sure he had started to question a lot.
Shit.
At least I hadn’t mentioned anything about ‘the morning after’ or about Zane by name. It wasn’t like that name in particular would mean anything to Christian, but the mention of any other man would be digging a hole I couldn’t crawl out of. And Christian didn’t deserve that sort of cruel and unusual punishment.
I could see the desperation and the unspoken ‘I told you so’ in Crystal’s expression. How long had he been here, and what had he said to put that look on her face? In hindsight, my roommate had been right, and I should have called things off with Christian before going out with Zane. What if Zane had still been here when Christian showed up? Would Crystal have lied and said she was sleeping with Zane? Was it even fair to hope that my roommate would lie for me like that? No—it wasn’t fair to her, it wasn’t fair to Zane, and it sure as hell wasn’t fair to Christian.
In my defense, though, I hadn’t expected to spend the night with Zane. Christian had never shown up unannounced. Up until today, if he wanted to talk to me, he called or texted. He didn’t just swing by, the way I’m sure Zane would. And Christian didn’t have a spontaneous bone in his body. Any date we had was planned at least a day or two in advance, and most of the time, I just met him somewhere. He’d walked me home or picked me up and dropped me off now and then, but he’d never been in the apartment like this before.
It seemed like having Zane in the picture caused all sorts of unexpected behavior. He’d caused an upheaval in my life, and I didn’t know how to straighten things out.
Apparently, I was going to have to start cleaning up the mess I’d made by having a conversation with Christian. I definitely wasn’t looking forward to that. Things had been going so well, and I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that it would all be downhill for the rest of the day.
Or maybe the rest of my life.
I shook off the melodrama and glanced back and forth a couple of times between my roommate and my boyfriend, finally landing my gaze on Christian. I hoped I wasn’t just standing there staring like a fool forever, and I started to speak, but Christian beat me to it, pointing to the case with my racket. “I didn’t know you played tennis.”
Six words. It took six words to render me absolutely speechless. I all but stumbled the rest of the way into the apartment, having been stuck right at the door this whole time, and gladly took the coffee that Crystal handed me as if it was a lifeline and I was floating at sea.
“It’s just a hobby, something I do to be friendly with some of my co-workers,” I managed. I sat down at the table, despite the fact that Christian had dropped back onto the couch.
“I played in high school,” he said, picking up the discussion eagerly. “I haven’t been on a court in forever, but now that I know you play, I’d love to hit the ball around with you every now and then.” He seemed to be forcing a bigger smile. “I swear, we have so much in common! I don’t think we could ever delve deep enough to cover it all.”
And that was why I had been dumbfounded. I realized, when Christian told me he didn’t know I liked tennis, that he had no idea who I really was. And that was no fault of his. I hadn’t told him much about myself. I’d given him the information he needed to think he was in love with me, to believe he wanted to marry me.
And I hadn’t allowed him to give me any more information than what I wanted to hear. I didn’t really know about his hobbies, either. I didn’t see him playing any sports in school. I’d thought of him as a socially awkward academic type with a select set of friends, maybe the math team or science club. It all added up to the fact that, essentially, we were virtual strangers.
That wasn’t fair, and it wouldn’t be fair to keep him on the hook until I knew I had something with Zane. I’d already strung him along for too long. I’d been lying to myself, too, and I couldn’t pretend any longer. I didn’t want to feel like I had to hide certain parts of myself, just so I appeared to be capable of turning into a Stepford Wife. And I didn’t want to stifle anyone else just to make sure he didn’t give me a reason to turn and run.
Not being the right man for me didn’t make Christian a bad guy, and he deserved better. Slowly, I moved to the couch and sat beside him, drawing my feet up under me and turning to face him. “Christian, we should talk.”
“Oh, wait! Just let me grab my purse,” Crystal said quickly, her eyes wide. “There’s something I need to do at the store, and I forgot yesterday. If it’s not done when we open tomorrow, I don’t know what will happen, but I’ll see you later.” All of that came out of the girl’s mouth in about five seconds, and she ran out the door without her shoes on.
It didn’t matter. She wouldn’t go far.
Christian looked worried. “Kathryn, I know you haven’t been yourself lately, but I’m sure that together we can work through whatever you have going on in your life. I want your life to be my life, our life together. I want to be here for you, whatever happens.”
Now, of all times, he had to show some real vulnerability, and it broke my heart. But I knew it was the right thing to do, and in the end, we would both be better off. “I know you think that, Christian, but you don’t really know me. And truthfully, I don’t really know you. I have put a lot of effort into having a relationship with you, but I haven’t done it in the honest way I should.”
He frowned at me in confusion. “What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath. This was going to be awkward. “You know about my history with Jarrett, and you know that I wanted safety and security. That is what you’ve been to me, Christian. You are a safe, secure, predictable man. You are loyal and kind and doting, and that is really the extent of what I know about you because that’s all I wanted to know. Being with you meant never worrying that you would cheat or run away or betray me in any way.
“And you wanted someone proper, who wasn’t adventurous and who needed to rely on you. I told you about the parts of me that fit the bill, and that is all you know about me. But that’s not even who I really am, Christian.”
He put a hand on my leg and swallowed visibly. “We can fix that, Katie. We’ll tell each other everything, bare our souls. I’m sure you are still the beautiful woman inside I know you to be.”
I shook my head. “But that’s just it. I don’t want that. I don’t like when you call me Katie, and I’m not some glorified file clerk. I just haven’t argued with you about it or said anything because I didn’t want you to think I was petty or difficult. I wanted you to see me as a perfect match so I could guarantee a future with you. But what I want is to be with someone who surprises me every day, someone who keeps me guessing all the time. And someone who likes it when I get a little feisty.”
“But I came here today to surprise you. I thought we could take a stroll through the mall and you could help me pick out a new dining set or something.”
He was trying too hard now, and it bothered me. But I guessed I understood. I had made him believe we were going to be together, and he’d spent the last three months – as I had – planning his entire future. Now, in a few seconds, I was erasing all of it.
Patiently, my heart heavy, I told him, “That’s a kind gesture, but that’s not what I mean, Christian. And there is nothing wrong with being the man you are, the man who can provide a safe, stable future to a woman who wants to build a foundation that guarantees a white picket fence with a dog named Jax and two kids who grow up to be a doctor and a lawyer. It’s okay to plan out every moment of your life, and I know there are a lot of really great women out there who will appreciate that.
“But that’s not for me. What I really want is to never quite know for sure what the future holds. I want to make plans and change them, on a whim or a gut feeling. I want to feel excited while I wait to see what we decide to do at the last minute on a Friday night. I want to hop in the car for a road trip over the weekend with nothing more than a change of clothes and a destination. And I want to be able to just stay in and watch reruns while I eat junk food and drink myself into a stupor on coffee.”
I caught the distaste in his face at the mention of coffee. It was probably the one thing he hadn’t hidden so well. He hated how much coffee I drank, and I’d tried to keep it contained around him. I wouldn’t have thought it would be a problem, since we’d met at the coffee shop we both stopped by every morning. But as it turned out, Christian was one of those guys who felt that coffee was a morning thing and not something you drank throughout the day.
He quickly hid his disapproval, though, and he started to respond. I cut him off. I didn’t want to drag this out for hours. I needed it to be over, like ripping off a Band-Aid. I was done, and I knew the sooner he accepted that, the sooner he would be able to move on with his life.
“And I know you’ll say you can be that. But Christian, I don’t want you to change. But I don’t want you to settle for me when my heart’s not in it. And I don’t want to be tied to a future that’s planned twenty years out.
“I want you to find a woman who really appreciates you for the man you are. And I want you to love her the way you tried to love me.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “You are a wonderful person, Christian, and I’m so sorry for all this. I was so determined to make this happen, to believe this is what I wanted for myself, that I didn’t take into account what it would do to you.”
He looked away from me, his face carved in stone so I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “Were you ever happy with me, Kathryn?”
I thought about that, and I nodded. “Yes, I was. I honestly was, because I thought you were everything I’d been dreaming of. And you gave me hope, too. I’d given up on men, and without you, I never would have made another go at falling in love. So you did make me happy, Christian. But I want to end this before I make you unhappy. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
He turned back to me, and his eyes were sad. I’d never seen him like this, and I felt like a piece of trash for being the person to bring out such sorrow. But he managed a smile. “Thank you, for caring that much, I guess.” He stood and held out the roses. “I brought these for you. You should keep them.”
I didn’t want to take them, but I couldn’t really turn them away. I stood and took them, hugging him. His sadness overwhelmed me, and I was sad, too. The past three months had been blissful in many ways, and I didn’t like the idea of ending anything. Too many people walked in and out of my life all the time, making a small impact but mostly bouncing off the surface. Christian’s departure would leave a crater and maybe even fracture off a small piece of me. We’d both worked hard at this, and we’d set expectations that would never come to fruition.
I walked him to the door loudly, assuming Crystal was still sitting in the stairwell, listening. To her credit, she was deadly silent behind the door as I opened it, so Christian didn’t notice her as he said a final goodbye.
The door shut behind him, and I felt a tear roll down my cheek at how final it seemed. But Crystal was around the door and walking me back to the couch right away.
She sat with me, and we talked about men and heartbreak and disappointment for a while. She told me I’d handled the breakup like a champ, and I told her I wanted to call Christian and apologize again. She told me I couldn’t, and I expressed my guilt with more tears.
“Life isn’t about making everyone happy all the time, Kathryn,” she said, suddenly sounding like a mom. “It’s about living to the fullest and never settling for less than we deserve. Unfortunately, people sometimes get hurt, and sometimes you get hurt. But each time, it’s a learning experience, and if you pay attention, you don’t make the same mistake again.”
I nodded, sniffling. “I wish I could have done something to make it easier. And I wish I’d listened to you before and just done it. I feel like garbage. What’s wrong with me?”
She laughed softly and hugged me again. “Nothing’s wrong with you, sister. You’ve just had a revelation. The sky has opened up, and a ray of sunshine has cast light on something you’ve been keeping hidden in the dark. Take a good, close look at it. This is a chance for a new beginning, and this time, you can let go of the wheel a little. Let the road steer you where you’re supposed to go, rather than forcing yourself to go a certain direction.”
She was right again, and I wished I could think in such a mature, rational way. Sometimes, I wondered if I was really the adult I considered myself to be. Right now, I felt young and naïve and confused by my own hormones and emotions.
When the tears stopped, we made an executive decision to keep them from starting up again. She went to the freezer and chose a couple of pints of ice cream while I turned on the television and set up Friends to stream for the rest of the evening. Ice cream and Friends could cure just about anything, and in this case, I thought it would be perfect.
Still, I kept my phone close, watching for a message of some kind from Zane. After the uncomfortable breakup with Christian, I really needed some sign that I’d done the right thing, and I had to trust Zane to give me that sign.