Ruby
“I think that was the most incredible meal I’ve ever had,” I said to Jett as we were on our way home from the restaurant.
I was feeling blissfully full, and completely relaxed from the wine I’d had with my seafood.
Jett had been acting a little off tonight, but maybe he was just tired. He’d been spending a lot of time in his office.
“I have a hard time believing that,” Jett answered with amusement. “I’ve had better meals that you’ve cooked.”
“But I don’t generally cook seafood since I didn’t grow up near water. Beef and chicken were a lot more common. It was a big treat for me to get fresh seafood. Thank you for taking me there,” I told him.
I was getting better at accepting the things that Jett did for me, and just letting him know I appreciated it instead of constantly arguing about the money he spent on me.
Annette had done a good job of reminding me that Jett could well afford whatever he gave, and he gave it because he cared.
I was tired of taking all the joy out of anything Jett and I did by feeling guilty about the money, and being poor was just something I had to deal with right now. I wasn’t going to get my money overnight, and I’d eventually find a job or a career so I could return the favor.
“You’re welcome,” Jett finally said in a husky voice as the car pulled up to his building.
He got out and reached for my hand to help me out of the car while he traded a few insults with Pete. This time it was a lot more obvious that the two of them loved to antagonize each other.
We rode the elevator in a comfortable silence, and Jett didn’t speak until we got back into the condo. “Do you want another glass of wine?” he asked as he took his suit jacket off and tossed it over one of the kitchen chairs.
I took off the borrowed coat I was wearing and hung it in the closet by the door. “I’m not sure I should,” I confessed as I moved toward the kitchen. “I haven’t had much alcohol in my life, and I’m already feeling the glasses I had with dinner.”
He took the cork off a bottle he’d pulled from his wine cooler, poured me half a glass, and slid it across the counter. “Live a little,” he said with a grin. “This is a really nice vintage.”
I took a cautious sip of the white wine, and was rewarded by an explosion of different tastes as the liquid flowed over my taste buds. “You’re right,” I said as soon as I swallowed. “It’s really good.”
Jett usually opted for something a little stronger, so I was surprised when he poured himself a glass and left the kitchen to chill out on the couch.
I watched as he put his legs up. “Are you okay?” I asked, concerned that maybe he’d done way too much walking earlier, before dinner and after.
I sat in the recliner directly across from him.
“Yeah. I’m good. Why?”
“We did a lot of walking, and you’re still supposed to be resting your knee as much as possible.”
He raised a dark brow as he answered. “I’m not exactly ancient and decrepit, Ruby. Even though thirty-one might seem old to you. I just have a bum knee.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “I know you’re not old. But I did cause you to injure yourself. And I know what you should be doing.”
Jett appeared to be doing better, but I was still worried.
“I’m being good now,” he joked. “And you’re not allowed to nag since you refused to marry me. But that’s probably a good thing since you can’t stand me touching you.”
We were both quiet. I hadn’t expected him to go there because he never had. But maybe it was a good thing that he did. I’d been wanting to clear the air with him since the incident had happened, but I hadn’t been able to summon the courage. But now that I knew he thought I had completely rejected him, I was done hiding from anything painful or humiliating with Jett.
If I’d hurt him even a little, I wanted to clear things up. I knew that I was ready.
Our relationship had become way more important to me than my secrets.
“It wasn’t you that night, Jett,” I said as I set my empty wine glass on the side table.
“There wasn’t anybody else in the room,” he scoffed. “But it’s not your fault that there’s nothing there for you, Ruby. I sure wished that I could say the same, but my dick is still hard every moment that you’re with me.”
His words caused a flutter in my stomach, but I couldn’t get distracted, no matter how much I wanted to explore the tantalizing revelation he’d just made.
“There was somebody else in the room. I was there,” I said as I pushed my hair back from my face nervously.
He turned his head toward me sharply. “What does that mean? Ruby, I heard you say that you could see the scars. You were desperate to get away from me. Let’s not bullshit each other anymore. Do I wish that you were as attracted to me as I am to you? Hell, yes. But I’m still going to be your friend.”
I stood up, angry at myself because I hadn’t immediately told him the truth after the incident occurred.
Jett was attracted to me. Although his words blew me away, I knew it was true. And I had hurt him over the whole incident.
“And what happened before that? Was I pushing you away? Or was I kissing you back?” I challenged.
He shrugged. “I guess you finally came to your senses.”
“This. Is. Not. About. You.” I emphasized every word. “When you grabbed my ass, I got lost in bad memories. I had flashbacks, and not about your body. It was about mine.”
“Your body is perfect, Ruby,” Jett rumbled.
“Oh, do you think so?” My voice was getting louder, and my anxiety higher, but it was way too late to hold anything back. I needed Jett to understand why I reacted the way I did. “I have a few scars of my own. Most of them are psychological, but a few are still visible.”
I walked over to where he was sitting and slowly lifted my dress to my waist, turned, and lowered the black cotton bikinis I had on so he’d finally get what I was trying to tell him. I hadn’t been able to find the words, and I thought a visual would make things clearer.
Jett suck in a loud breath, and then he was silent.
I knew he was seeing the remnants of the whippings I’d taken throughout my childhood and adolescence.
“So when you grabbed my ass, I did freak, but not because of you,” I explained. “You can see the old marks, but the wounds on my soul are a lot worse. My uncle molested me, Jett. And every time he did it, he beat me because he said it was all my fault. I’ve started to understand that he wasn’t really beating me; he was whipping his own demons. It started in grade school, and it just got worse. He seemed to have a thing about asses, and when he felt me up, it hurt, especially when I was younger.”
I let my dress fall, and I sat back down in my recliner, my face still flushed with embarrassment.
I reminded myself that it was his shame and not mine, but I was still trying to accept that completely.
“Tell me everything,” Jett growled.
I lowered my head as I picked up and played with the wine glass. I may not be able to look at Jett, but I was going to be completely honest with him. “I never told my parents. My uncle told me that my parents would lose everything if I told them. I wasn’t really old enough to understand that it would take more than half ownership of the business to ruin them. All I knew back then was that I was terrified something would happen to my family. As I got older, I guess I was programmed to believe him.”
“Jesus Christ!” Jett exploded. “How could that happen when your parents were around?”
“When they were alive, it only happened when he could get me alone with him, and I tried to never let that happen. But since my parents didn’t know, and my uncle was our only close relative besides my grandmother, I ended up alone with him occasionally. Sometimes, he didn’t have the opportunity for months. But it didn’t matter because he always had control. I was always afraid of the next time.”
“No kid should ever have to live like that,” he rasped. “What happened after your parents died, Ruby?” he asked in a graveled voice.
I shuddered as I remembered the event that had forced me to leave. “He started going beyond just touching after my parents were gone. I finally had to leave because he tried to rape me, Jett. I got away, but I knew I could never go back.”
I saw a tear drop onto my dress, and when I lifted my hand to my face, I realized it was drenched with tears. I’d thought I was all cried out from baring everything in counseling the last several weeks. Apparently, I was wrong.
“Did you talk to Annette about all this?” Jett asked.
“Not at first. But I eventually talked it all out with her. It’s not an easy thing to share with anybody. You and Dr. Romain are the only ones who know.”
I could see Jett move out of the corner of my eye, so I wasn’t surprised when I heard his calming voice above me. “Look at me, Ruby,” he requested in a persuasive tone.
I tossed my hair back and tilted my head to finally look at his face. His expression was a myriad of emotions, from concern to fury.
He held out his hand, and I took it without hesitation. He pulled me to my feet, his eyes never leaving my face.
“I want to touch you, but I won’t if you don’t want me to,” he said in a steady tone.
I more than wanted it; I craved it.
I put my arms around his neck. “I’ve never not wanted you,” I confessed. “Promise me that whatever happens, you’ll know it’s not about you. I have a lot of baggage that I’m carrying, and it’s going to take time to figure it all out.”
“I get that now,” he said with regret. “I was just too damn involved in my own disappointment to see your fear for what it is. That won’t happen again.”
I lay my head on his shoulder as he ran a soothing hand up and down my back. “I missed this. I missed feeling you close to me so much,” I whispered. “I feel so many things when I’m with you, and I want so much. But then my demons took over, and I pushed you away. And I wasn’t sure how to talk about it until I figured things out with Annette.”
“I should have given you that time,” he said.
“You didn’t know,” I said simply.
“What do you feel now?” he asked.
“I ache, Jett. I want so much more, but I’m not sure how to ask for it. Everything was so confusing. I didn’t think I wanted anybody to touch me, but I want…you. I don’t know if you feel the same way.”
“I do, baby. More than you’ll ever know.”
“Then I wasn’t sure if you’d want me after I told you what happened. Even though I’m technically a virgin, I still felt…dirty.”
“Don’t, Ruby,” he rasped harshly in my ear. “You’re perfect. None of that was ever your fault.”
“I think I might be starting to understand that I was just the object. I wasn’t a person or family to my uncle. I was a thing that tempted his sick mind. That’s why he beat me after it happened. He had to blame something, so he blamed me.”
I could feel Jett rocking my body gently, apparently trying to comfort me.
“Never again, Ruby. Never again,” he said, like it was an oath.
“I’m free, Jett. You helped get me get myself back again. I can’t promise you that I’ll never have a knee-jerk reaction, but I’m healing.”
“You need time, sweetheart,” he crooned.
“Then why do I want you so much? Why do I ache so badly it hurts?” I asked, allowing myself to trust Jett with my feelings. “I want to be close to you.”
“I want that, too,” he said in a voice hoarse with emotion. “Look at me again, sweetheart,” he cajoled.
I lifted my eyes and turned my head.
“Keep your eyes on me, Ruby. Don’t look away. If you get the least bit uncomfortable, you have to tell me.”
I agreed with a jerky nod.
His soothing strokes down my back got longer and his hand finally moved over the top of my ass. My breath caught, but I kept my eyes on his, reminding myself that the touch was coming from somebody I trusted, somebody who would never hurt me.
I was seeing through the eyes of an adult woman, and all I could see was Jett.
He took things slow, so by the time he finally had my rear cupped in his gentle hold, I was completely comfortable.
“This is an ass that should have been worshiped once you were old enough to explore your sexuality,” he told me in an anguished voice. “You’re so fucking sweet, Ruby. Nobody should have ever done anything to you except love you. You know that now, right?”
I nodded. “Rationally I understand it, but I was programmed to believe otherwise. I always thought it was my fault, that I’d done something bad to deserve it. But since I started counseling and reading books by survivors, I know it’s not true. I just have to retrain my brain, and it’s not going to happen overnight.”
I fell into his ferocious gaze, not even realizing when he’d pulled up my dress and laid his hands on my bare skin.
Truth was, I knew it was Jett, and my fear was slowly fading away completely.
I wanted him to touch me.
I wanted him to kiss me again like there was no other woman in the world who he wanted.
I wanted…everything.
“Will you help me?” I asked, unable to keep the longing from my voice.
“With whatever you need, baby,” he vowed.
“I want you to help me explore my sexuality. I think I’m way behind. I hated my body so much that I didn’t even masturbate. I don’t even know what pleasure and orgasms feel like.”
His eyes flamed with heat as he looked at me incredulously. “Ruby, I’m not sure that’s—”
“Please,” I interrupted. “I know you’re not a virgin, and if I don’t do this with you, I don’t think I can do it with anybody else. I want to learn to live, Jett. I don’t want to let my past define who I am anymore. I don’t want to be a victim. I want to be a desirable woman.”
His hands stroking over my bare ass was anything but unpleasant, and I could feel my body responding to him with a need I’d never known before.
His expression turned into a smirk. “I won’t lie, Ruby. I like sex. I’ve always liked it. And I had no problem exploring my sexuality from the time I realized I had a dick, and that it felt good to play with it.”
Jett was unabashedly blunt, but him talking about exploring his own sexuality as a kid actually helped.
“Then you can help me,” I concluded.
“I’m not sure I can.”
I never stopped to consider the fact that maybe Jett just didn’t want to have sex with me. “You don’t want me anymore,” I stated sadly.
He shook his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone more than I want you. But you’re a virgin, Ruby.”
“I understand. It’s probably not very appealing if I can’t please you.”
“I don’t give a shit about that,” he grunted. “I care about whether I know how to pleasure a virgin. And if I’m the right guy to take your virginity away from you.”
“I want it to be you,” I argued softly. “And you can’t take it if I’m already offering it to you.”
He let out a short, guttural sound as he lowered his head to my shoulder and said, “Then God help me, because I’m going to be the man who does.”