In the quiet of Luke’s home, he found solace in very little. His thoughts were too loud, and his regrets were too numerous.

Freddie was right. I could have done something. I should have done something.

Another restless day off turned into a restless night. A week had passed since Freddie had spoken to him, and at this point, Luke was starting to think they might never speak again. He was doing his best to come to terms with it, but it wasn’t what his heart wanted, and it fought savagely to make itself heard.

Freddie was the one for him. Getting over him was going to take time.

Luke checked his phone one more time, saw there was still no message from Freddie, and turned off the screen again. He got up from the couch where he’d mindlessly been watching television, waiting for time to pass, and headed to the bathroom. He’d unwind for the night in the shower, then head to bed.

Luke ran the water. While it warmed, he brushed his teeth quickly and stripped down. By the time he finished, the water was hot and ready. He stepped in beneath the spray, letting the warm water wash over his body and ease out the day’s tension from his muscles.

One more day down, one more day closer to when I will feel better. I can do this, I know I can.

He tilted his head back and let the water wick through his hair. It fell over his shoulders and down his back, over the curves of his ass. His mind returned to the time Freddie had pinned him to the bed and fucked him all night long, and his heart ached for more of the same. He closed his eyes to try to blacken the thought from his mind, but it only made it clearer than before. Freddie’s hair which shone golden-brown hair in the sunlight, his smile, and all the filthy things he’d whispered to Luke that night...

Luke’s hand found its way to his cock. He was already hard. He pumped himself slowly, thinking about the time Freddie had talked him down from his rage and owned him. He didn’t think he’d ever find someone who could diffuse him like that again.

He definitely wouldn’t be able to find someone as naturally captivating, or as paternal, or as sexy...

Or anyone even remotely like him in any way, shape, or form.

Luke’s hand moved with more urgency. He groaned and bucked his hips into his hand, sinking his length through the tight hole of his curled palm. One day, he hoped to pay Freddie back for what he’d done that night. He wanted nothing more than to pin him to the bed in return and thrust into him — to take control in the same way as Freddie had taken control of him, relieving him of the pressures of life, even if only for a little while. He didn’t know if it would happen anymore, but the idea of it lived in his fantasies, and tonight, he indulged it.

He bucked his hips again, heart racing from the heat now working its way through his veins. Freddie, so mild on the surface, was dynamite between the sheets. What other trouble could they get up to together? Both of them knew what they wanted, and they knew how they liked it — but better than that, Freddie had helped show him what he was missing. He’d taken Luke and shown him the pleasure of submission.

Luke didn’t know if he could ever be so open with another man again.

He grunted as pleasure tightened in his balls. Orgasm was close, but he didn’t want it to arrive just yet. He was too greedy for Freddie, even though he knew it was only going to make the fact that they were over harder to process. How could he let go of someone so fantastic?

He should have been the one for me. He should have goddamn been the one I ended up with... the one I married. Mel took that from me. Or maybe, I stole that happiness from myself...

Luke’s legs started to go weak. He broadened his stance and adjusted the speed of his hand. The water slicked his palm, and he kept his grip tight to compensate. The pressure was fantastic.

If only it were Freddie instead of his hand.

Water rushed over his shoulders. It soaked into his hair. Luke tipped his head forward as a new wave of pleasure twisted in his gut, and the stream from overhead changed its course as it washed down his body — it started to travel along his jaw. The rush of warmth was welcome, and Luke shivered in delight.

He wanted it to be Freddie in the shower with him, his body tight around Luke’s cock, and his presence warming Luke from the inside out. He wanted to wake up every morning to Freddie in bed next to him, the man Luke had always wanted, but never managed to find. He wanted to put Reagan Ann to bed as a co-parent with Freddie, then take his sexy Daddy to bed and have naughty fun with him all night long.

He wanted Freddie to take him again. He wanted to be forced to submit, only to turn around and fuck Freddie into the sheets.

Luke’s balls tightened and his stomach clenched. A low moan escaped his lips. He came into his hand, breathless.

He imagined Freddie the entire time.

“Goddamn,” Luke uttered. He cleaned off his hand, then braced himself against the shower wall as he struggled to fill his lungs. “God fucking damn it.”

What he wanted most of all would never be his. Freddie was done with him, and whether that was fair or not, it wasn’t Luke’s place to judge. He couldn’t change Freddie’s mind, and he refused to make an ass of himself trying to get a man who didn’t love him back on his side.

If it’s not meant to work out, it’s not meant to work out... but if it is...

Luke finished washing. He lathered and shampooed, cleaning every part of him he could, but nothing could wash thoughts of Freddie from his mind. He had it bad, and he wasn’t going to be able to move on right away.

Maybe it’s okay to mourn.

Their relationship hadn’t lasted for long, but Luke had fallen fast, and it was going to take time to recover. There was no shame in that. He wished he could detach his heart from the matter and move on, but he understood that emotions were more complex than that. There was more to him and Freddie than what was on the surface, and he had to accept it.

Luke toweled off. Once he was dry and his towel was hung back up to dry, he walked to his bedroom, naked, and sprawled out across the bed. He’d never been through a breakup so serious before, and he had to wonder how long it would take before it got better. The closest he’d ever come to feeling this way was when he’d harbored a crush for his high school best friend and been rejected... but even that hadn’t stung so much. In some small, muted part of Luke’s mind, he’d known there was no chance between him and his friend. But Freddie? They’d kissed. They’d slept together. They’d started to develop feelings for each other. There was a hell of a lot more to what they shared than only unrequited lust.

He tucked himself under the sheets and closed his eyes. He hoped that he could fall asleep, but sleep was hard to come by when his mind was so active. He let it run its course, studying where it got hung up and trying not to kick himself too hard for it. If he approached this objectively, he could move on.

It was too bad his heart wasn’t interested in objectives.

He reached for his phone and turned on the screen. There were no messages. No emails. No voicemails. Luke sighed, set it back on the bedside table, and stared at the ceiling for a while. A creeping urge gripped him, and even as he internally chided himself for doing so, he reached for his phone again and brought up his conversation history with Freddie.

He wrote a short message.

I want you to know that I’m not angry. If you want to talk, I want to listen. If you want to listen, then I want to talk. What can we do to fix this? I don’t think we’re over yet. Not by a long shot.

He stared at the message for a while, then dropped his phone on his chest without sending it. It wasn’t up to him to bridge the chasm between him and Freddie. He’d already made it clear that he was willing to work things out whenever Freddie was ready to stop blaming him.

If he hadn’t heard back yet, then it was better not to poke the bear.

Luke rolled onto his side. His phone slid off onto the bed beside him. He closed his eyes and talked himself into sleep.

In his dreams, there was relief — he was happy with Freddie. But when he woke up again to an empty bed and a silent phone, relief only ended up hurting him more.

He’d figure it out one day at a time. Luke only wished those days didn’t have to hurt so badly.