13. Fourteen Years Ago
GAVIN
We spent almost every day together. Even through the holiday break. When my mom came from LA to visit, I took her to see Penny dance. She said Penny was phenomenal, and I think my mother was even a bit jealous of her, but I didn’t care.
Penny’s partner, Joey, was still being a dick. I didn’t know how she was able to put up with him, but she was patient. She practiced hard every day. And for me, there was nothing I liked more than watching her do what she loved.
I had Christmas Eve at her house, and her mom prodded me for details about our relationship. I’d been at their house a lot in the last couple of months, and Penny at mine, but we were still just being spoons in a drawer. Nothing went further. I felt like I deserved an award for my restraint. Both of us were studying hard for midterms, so I hadn’t pushed her, but our exams were over now. We had time to figure us out before we had to go back to school. I got a tattoo the week before on the inside of my bicep between two larger designs. It was just the lyrics, in my ears and in my eyes. Penny knew.
Every time Anne trapped me in the kitchen, I’d try to change the subject from my relationship with her daughter, or I’d look for Penny’s dad, Liam, to get me out of a pinch. I’d been hanging out with him a lot lately, too. He had a sense of humor when Anne wasn’t around, but when she was there, especially with Kiki, talking about all the things they had to do for such-and-such pageants, Liam would get quiet and Penny would get judgmental, which would usually end in a fight among the whole family.
On Christmas Eve I was helping Penny set the table when Anne said, “So you guys have been inseparable lately.”
“Uh-huh,” I murmured.
“Penny?”
“Yes, Mom. We’re friends. We like to hang out.”
“Are you two being responsible?” she asked. I knew what she was getting at.
“You have no idea,” I said.
Penny shot me a dirty look. “Anne”—I walked over and braced her by the shoulders—“your daughter is a saint. We really are just friends, though I wish it were more.”
“Gavin,” Penny chided.
Her mom giggled. She found me charming despite the stupid T-shirts, tattoos, and wild hair, which I knew she had judged, at first. Every time I came over I was helpful and complimentary toward her. I don’t think I was the vision of her dream son-in-law, but she liked me. I knew that.
Later, in Penny’s room, as Penny was brushing out her hair in front of the vanity, I walked up to her, wrapped my arms around her waist, and kissed her neck. She didn’t move. I made eye contact with her in the mirror. “Why can’t it be more?” I whispered.
She shook her head. I couldn’t read her expression. “This isn’t enough for you, is it?” she asked.
“I want all of you.”
She broke out of my embrace and walked over to her dresser, where there was a small box giftwrapped. Handing it to me she said, “It’s not much, but Merry Christmas.”
I tore it open to find one of those silly half-a-heart BFF trinkets. Smiling bitterly, I said, “Did you want me to wear this around my neck or something?”
“No. It’s just a symbol.” She frowned.
“I guess I’m way out in the friend zone. Like in the farthest section of the friend zone. Like, in the outfield.”
“More like in the stands in the nosebleed section.”
I laughed even though her comment pissed me off. “Really, Penny? We’re so close. We touch each other all the time. How can you say we’re just friends?”
“I know what we are, Gavin, and I want to keep it that way. You can date other girls anytime you want.”
“I want to date you. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t be jealous if I was taking other girls out?”
It came on slowly as I watched her in silence. She tried to hold back, but eventually she started to cry. “No.” She sniffled. “I mean yes, I would be sad we wouldn’t be hanging out as much, but I want you to have what you need.” She was torn. I was pushing her too hard. I took her in my arms and hugged her. She tucked her head into my chest the way she always did.
“What do you need?” I asked.
“A friend. I need to get through this year. Everyone in my family doubts me. My dad has to work overtime every week to afford my tuition and all of Kiki’s pageants. I can’t fail them. I’ll be worthless. I will turn to ash in your arms, Gavin, or bones and goo.”
“That is a terrible visual, P.”
“It’s true. Will you wait for me?”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know. Until the end of the year?”
I shook my head. “And then what?”
“And then we’ll explore this. Just know I’m confused. And scared.”
It was painful to see what a lonely person Penny was. She was really hanging on to us being friends because, other than a surface-level relationship with Ling and a mild closeness with her dad, she had no one.
“But just tell me. What do you think will happen if we get together now?”
“I told you. I think it will be great at first, but too much. I think we’ll kill each other and break each other’s hearts. I think I’ll get lost in you and fail my classes.”
She was right, but instead of agreeing with her, which I should have done, I lashed out. I was hurt . . . so I hurt her back. “You’re not my Carissa, Penny. Not even close.”
She pulled away and glared at me. “I didn’t say—”
“I mean, it’s not like I’m in love with you.”
“What?” Tears sprang from her eyes.
“I just thought we should sleep together. I mean, we’re obviously attracted to each other.” Oh God, what the hell was I saying?
“Let me rephrase it then, Gavin.” She squared her shoulders and frantically wiped tears from her face. “What I should have said was that I’m afraid I wouldn’t be good enough for you, and that you’d break my heart. Is that better? Do you feel good about yourself now?”
I nodded and shrugged like I didn’t give a shit.
“I know my gift was silly, but at least I got you one. You can leave now.”
“Fine. Bye. Merry Christmas,” I said as I walked out. Penny didn’t break like a little girl. She was strong.
When I got into my car, I grabbed the gift I had gotten for her and left it on the doorstep before peeling out of her driveway and screeching down the street.