Chapter 7: Forgiveness

 

Alice was used to luxury and the trappings that came with it. That said, what she walked into at the Darwell manor was on a completely different level for two reasons. The first reason was that she was looking at class versus sheer opulence. In her own parents’ manor, on more than one occasion, she found herself thinking that they decorated simply to impress whoever it was that came through the door. Upon entering the Darwell manor, she got an entirely different feel. The manor was decorated with a distinct flavor that was obviously someone’s very meticulously cultivated tastes. Lovely China displays, oriental rugs and more than one impressive water fountain spilling right out of the wall.

“Mother has always adored China.” Russell finally provided as they passed a magnificent tapestry depicting what appeared to be an empress fighting off a dragon. “She goes herself twice a year.”

“This artwork is...breathtaking.” Alice exhaled, unable to decide where to look first. She could only wonder what the kitchen looked like if the rest of the house had such a decidedly Asian flare. That, of course, brought her to the second reason the Darwell manor was so different than the place she had grown up: despite its size, this house seemed almost cozy. Intimate, somehow. When she was a child, her own home seemed huge and imposing. Not so, here.

“Russell, my love, you finally arrive.” Alice spun around, surprised at the sudden, booming female voice that filled the hallway. She had to admit that after a life spent around her mother and women of similar station, she expected a Prada-clad hawk with carefully coiffed hair and perfect makeup.

Cordelia Darwell was rather a surprise to her.

If the woman wore any makeup at all, it was very little - but that didn’t detract from her body. She had to be somewhere in her mid-sixties, and still, she carried an aura of poise and allure that made even Alice a little envious. Her resplendent, waist-length mane had gone completely gray and she wore the shimmering silver crown with pride, plaited tightly back from her face. Her dark eyes were warm and welcoming, filled with genuine enthusiasm as she embraced her son.

Of course, she was wearing an exquisite silk kimono. While Alice had several that she wore upon occasion before going to bed, Cordelia Darwell’s was an entirely different breed. Alice wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually from Japan, woven in hues of black and red that complimented the woman’s still slender, elegant figure. She smelled of jasmine and patchouli -  earthy and sweet.

And Alice got an extremely intimate whiff when the woman embraced her with just as much warmth as she had her own son. “Welcome to our home, Alice. You don’t mind if I call you Alice, do you?”

“O-of course not!” The young woman managed to stammer. She couldn’t remember many occasions when her own mother had embraced her so genuinely. Receiving the gesture from a complete stranger was shocking to say the least.

But not unpleasant. “Thank you so much for having me.”

“Oh, not at all! Russell so seldom brings home company. I was excited when he told me about you.” Cordelia glanced back at her obviously sheepish son with a smile. “Are either of you hungry?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to trouble anyone-” Alice started. She wasn’t terribly hungry, just having had dinner - but a spot of tea would be gorgeous.

“It’s no trouble.” Cordelia waved her off quickly. “I have a lovely Pu’er brew I got on my last trip to Beijing. I’ll make some for us, along with a few egg-tarts.” Alice’s eyes widened at Cordelia’s implication. She meant make herself. Alice had seen neither hide nor hair of servant since they entered. She supposed she wouldn’t be too shocked to find Cordelia employed few of them, if any. Her personality was quite...unique. “Let’s make our way to the sitting room, shall we? Jeanine and Franklin have already arrived. I’ll make them some too.”

Alice watched Russell blanch slightly and hid her smile. It had nothing to do with cruelty, but she had to wonder what made his brother so reproachable. He was obviously nervous about her meeting him - and there was little that made Russell Darwell nervous.

“Of course, mother.” Russell’s smile was slightly forced as his mother breezed onward, all but gliding down the hall. Alice tried not to think of her messing her glorious kimono with the odd spill of tea.

“We’ll retrieve your bags in due time, never you worry.” With a soft laugh, she led them to a formal sitting room done in greens and golds with an awe-inspiring Asian style chandelier hanging from the ceiling. Alice was, of course, so taken with the chandelier that, at first, she didn’t notice the people already in the room.

“Russell!” An enthusiastic exclamation drew her attention back to the present moment as she watched a violently red-haired woman leap from her seat to throw slender arms around Russell’s arms. With her freckles and easy grin, she was pretty in a classic way that Alice admired, and at the sight of her, Russell’s grin broke for the first time since they left the cafe.

“Janeane! It’s been ages, hasn’t it?”

“Longer than ages.” The fiery-haired woman squeezed her brother tightly. “Years, even. How have you been?”

It was obvious that, despite only being half-siblings, the two were close - like she and Michael were close.

The comparison brought a little tinge of guilt as she remembered her falling out with her brother - something she intended to rectify on this trip.

“Busy, as always.” Russell replied with a chuckle.

“That’s your problem, Russ. You’re a bloody workaholic.” Alice was startled by the blasé tone of the other person present in the room -and, to be honest- by the other person himself. Alice, having been raised around nobility, was used to them wanting to be the best of the best. Even Russell, having left behind his noble roots, liked to dress impeccably. His career allowed him to have the best of everything, and he took advantage when the results wouldn’t be too over the top.

If this man was Russell’s half-brother on his father’s side, that made him as close to a royal as it was possible to be without actually being one - and he looked as if he couldn’t give two bloody fucks.

The man she presumed to be Franklin Darwell lay back against a sofa, his bare feet propped up on the coffee table, his eyes closed. His was, Alice noticed, quite good-looking, even if his sense of fashion needed a bit of work. He carried the rebel look well, with hair longer than was common these days drawn over his shoulder in a ponytail. He was tall  - perhaps as tall as her brother Michael - but he didn’t have Michael’s sheer muscular heft. Instead, his form was lean, coiled with a strength that was evident even through the almost threadbare thermal he wore with a pair of dark wash jeans.

He looked like a hippie, for heaven’s sake, and a bit out of place in Cordelia Darwell’s ornate oriental living room - but somehow, at the same time, he seemed to own the space. Russell greeted his brother with a wary smile.

“Nice to see you as well, Franklin.”

Bright blue eyes popped open to stare at Russell skeptically. “I’m surprised you even remember what I look like.”

Russell winced, running a hand through dark hair. “I feel like that’s a bit harsh.”

With a sigh, Franklin rose from the sofa with a teasing smirk. “Harsh is my middle name, brother. When are you ever going to remember that?” Surprisingly, he embraced Russell warmly, making his brother’s eyes widened.

Whatever adversity was between them, Alice realized, it was mostly in jest. “I suppose when you stop firing it in my direction.”

Franklin chuckled good-naturedly. “Never.” With that, he seemed to notice Alice standing there as well and arched a brow in surprise. “Who is this charming creature, Russell?”

Alice grinned, stepping forward to introduce herself to the siblings. “Alice Tate. Lovely to meet you.”

“Oh, shut the front door!” Janeane immediately beamed, springing forward to wring her hand enthusiastically. “The Alice Tate? My closet is filled with your pieces! You’re a bloody brilliant designer! Mum loves your work as well!”

Though used to being told she was somewhat of a wonder, under the praise of Russell’s sister, Alice blushed. “You’re too kind, really.”

“Just kind enough in my opinion,” Franklin added wryly. “Your stuff’s all over the world, darling. It and you.” If it was a thinly veiled jab at Alice’s former promiscuity, she let it pass. Michael was worried about her dating Russell. She shouldn’t be surprised if his brother felt similarly.

“Well, I plan on sticking with Russell for the foreseeable future.” Alice smiled, shaking his hand as well. “So I wouldn’t worry too overly much.”

“Of course.” Franklin chuckled. “The fact that he’s brought you home is proof enough of that.”

Alice flushed darkly.  “I suppose that’s a compliment.”

“The very highest.” Franklin winked just before his stepmother appeared, casting him a warning look.

“Are you behaving yourself, Franklin?”

The long-haired man groaned, flopping back down on the sofa in a show of complete innocence. “Why do I always have to be the one misbehaving. Janeane was the one all over the poor girl.”

Janeane flushed darkly at the accusation. “I was not!”

Russell gazed from his brother to his sister in exasperation. “Are you two really older than me?”

“You wouldn’t know it by looking, would you darling?” Cordelia winked at them teasingly before carrying over the tea tray to set on the table before them. “Alright now, everyone have some. Pu’er is very good for digestion.”

Alice didn’t think she needed any help with digestion, but the tea was delicious all the same - even for someone like her, who preferred copious amounts of cream and sugar. The egg-tarts, along with the stimulating conversation, were the perfect compliment.

While Russell might be close-mouthed about himself, his family was certainly very forthcoming. While Alice ate and drank, they regaled him with tales of when Russell was younger - when his mother had caught him trying cigarettes and locked him in his room for almost twenty-four hours. How he used to chase after his brother and insist that he was the elder, and how he had never, ever wanted to be Lord Darwell.

“Henry never really seemed to mind.” Cordelia piped up. “He’s never been overly consumed with having an heir. Even now, he’s off on some blasted fishing trip. Who knows when he’ll be back.”

“Mother, don’t change the subject.” Franklin seemed to have no trouble calling Cordelia mother, despite the fact that she was his stepmother. “We were talking about Russell.”

Indeed, they had been, and throughout, Russell seemed more than a little uncomfortable. They were, after all, disclosing more to Alice in the stretch of a few hours than he had voluntarily told her himself in all the time they knew one another.

“If you’ll excuse me,” the distinguished man cleared his throat, “I’ll be right back.” As he rose to leave, Alice sighed softly. It hadn’t been her intention to chase him away- but she’d be lying if she denied how lovely it was to get to know more about him. As much as she adored the man, sometimes Alice worried that she’d spend the rest of her life trying to get close to him.

“Oh, bother.” Janeane blew out a breath. “I’ll go get him.” With that, she rose to hurry after her brother and Franklin pinched the bridge of his nose. “I believe I need a brandy. And I’ll get one for Russell too. Might calm him down.”

Just like that, Alice was left alone with Cordelia, wondering if she had offended the woman’s son in her household unintentionally. She cleared her throat, taking a sip of her tea obtrusively before she met Cordelia’s neutral gaze. “I...I apologize. I didn’t mean to cause an uproar.”

The elder woman merely sighed, blowing on her own tea. “ You did no such thing, darling. Russell has been ever sensitive about his past. We were just trying to lighten the mood.” Alice swallowed thickly, wondering where on earth she went from here. She hadn’t even been in the man’s house for an entire day and he was already probably already wondering how to get her to leave.

“I...Cordelia, do you mind if I’m frank with you?”

“Of course not, dear.” Cordelia arched a brow. “We Darwells always believe frankness is the best policy. What’s troubling you?” Alice marveled at how it seemed much easier to talk to this woman, even, than her own mother. Unlike the Tate matriarch, Cordelia Darwell didn’t seek to intimidate. Of course, that made her no less of a grand figure in her lovely kimono. Quite the opposite, in fact. But Alice often found speaking with her own mother like trying to get an audience with the queen - and when she did meet her face to face, getting her to actually hear what she said was like squeezing blood from a turnip.

At that moment, Cordelia Darwell’s complete attention was focused on her and no one else.

“Well...how is your relationship with Russell?” Alice asked the question as diplomatically as she could. “I’m sure he’s very fond of you and you of him.”

Cordelia’s answering smile was warm and affectionate. “Well, of course. Russell and I have always been close. He’s rebellious in much the same way I was at his age and we understand one another.” Well, that made plenty of sense. Russell had taken off from Britain at a young age, declaring that he wouldn’t let his title controlling his life. “But of course, I’m sure you’ve noticed that he can a bit distant sometimes.”

To say the least.

Slowly, Alice nodded. “I’d like nothing more than for him to trust me. I’d never hurt Russell...I mean I…” It was hard to put her feelings into words when she’d just met Cordelia. After all, she didn’t want to come across as a complete lunatic. “I just want to know him.”

The elder woman nodded thoughtfully before taking another long sip of her tea. She appeared to contemplate a moment before she answered, choosing her words carefully. “Alice, I fear I only have one piece of advice for you. Since his youth, Russell has...changed, somewhat. It isn’t my place to reveal his business but suffice it to say that the man is like the sun: everyone basks in the warmth that he gives off, but few have the courage to get close enough. The fear of being burned is a terrible thing...but sometimes the risk is worth it.”

The Darwell matriarch’s advice seemed just as exotic as her taste in art. Alice took another bite of her egg tart as she fell silent, wondering how on earth she was supposed to have the courage to get close to someone who scalded anyone who got near.

Perhaps it would be better if she simply let herself be consumed by the flames.

 

Russell didn’t emerge from his room for the rest of the evening, and though Alice had a rousing time with his family - all of whom tried to cheer her up - by the time she went up to join him, she was already going through apologies in her head. The last thing she wanted was for Russell to be upset with her in his family home. He had, after all, brought her here in an effort to make things better between them.

When she entered his immense suite, the man was in the shower. Alice took a long moment to watch his lithe form through the frosted glass doorway, her cheeks flushing in sudden hunger. How was it that, no matter how she might feel at the time, her lust for Russell never seemed to abate?

She made her decision quickly.

It took Alice less than a minute to slip from her clothing and pad, naked, to the shower. When she opened it, Russell whipped around to look at her, and Alice exhaled a slow breath at the sight of his tight, well-muscled form glistening beneath the hot spray.

“Russell…” She started hesitantly, closing the door behind her. “I’m sorry if I offended you. I didn’t mean…” she trailed off, searching for the right words. “This is your family home, and I have no right to make you feel embarrassed in it.”

Russell’s eyes roamed over her bare form for a long moment before all the tension in his body eased. He came to her without a word, enveloping her in his arms as he pressed his forehead to hers. For almost half a minute, he said absolutely nothing - and when he kissed her, Alice all but melted against him. Russell’s family was nice, but this had been what she was craving all day - and she feared she might have done something to lose it.

When the dark-haired man pulled back to gaze down at her, a slow smile spread across his face.

“No, Alice. I’m sorry. Storming out was completely childish of me. I simply...well...I’ve never brought a woman home before. Never...exposed myself like this before. But I understand what it means to you….what it could mean for me. I want this.” He sounded completely earnest, and Alice searched his gaze, looking for something that would assure her he wasn’t just telling her what he wanted her to hear. 

“Do you?” She inquired softly, brushing wet strands of hair back from his brow gently. “I don’t want anything that you don’t want, Russell.”

“I want you,” he replied with conviction, before kissing her again - until Alice was aware of nothing that existed outside of the shower stall.  Her arms slid around his neck as she pressed her water-slick body against his. When his hardness immediately sprang up against her stomach, she moaned softly in need.

No sooner had Russell finished kissing her then he dropped to his knees before her, pushing her back against the shower wall. Alice’s fingers slid through his hair as he spread her legs, drawing one thigh over his shoulder. She held him just as much for purchase as she did to keep herself grounded as his lips and tongue wrought havoc between her legs. The young woman had been completely unprepared for the fervor with which he devoured her, and her hips undulated greedily against his mouth as his fingers slid deep within her. His tongue flicked at her clit alternating feather-light and with enough pressure that she bit back screams.

Russell however, didn’t stop until she came powerfully against his tongue, barely keeping her footing in the slick shower. Her entire body shuddered as Russell worked every last drop of pleasure from her before lifting her into his arms to take from the shower.

They didn’t make it to the bed. Instead, Russell set her on the bathroom counter a moment before he drove home with enough force to make her cry out against his shoulder. Alice knew she was in his family home - that it was important for her to keep their encounter clandestine - but at that moment, all she could do was revel in how good he felt inside her.

When she clung to him, her nails must have created furrows on his back. She wrapped her legs around his waist and moaned as he had her deliciously - both deep and hard, and slow and leisurely. Letting her head fall back, Alice moved her body against his, every delicious thrust of his cock within her threatening to utterly destroy her.

Despite the complicated nature of what was between them - despite the fact that she never really knew what he was thinking, or what he wanted, she loved this man.

She loved him, and she would do anything if he would be hers.

By the time Russell was finished with her, it was all Alice could do to make it to bed. As she allowed her exhaustion and jetlag overwhelm her, she was dimly aware of the man wrapping his arm around her waist to pull her close to him - so close that she could feel his heartbeat.

And everything was right with the world.

 

Despite how tightly he held her that night, when Alice woke the next morning, she was alone. Instead of taking his absence as a bad sign, however, the young woman took the opportunity to look over his room. The same room, he had divulged to her - that was his growing up.

Now, it was a strange blend of boyish fantasy and raw masculinity. There were old school books stacked on shelves along with pictures of Russell from grade school all the way up through university.  There were a bevy of awards he’d garnered in his years of being an agent, as well as photos with him and several famous actors and actresses.

Alice ran her fingers over a wooden figure she supposed he’d carved as a boy - it was a roughly hewn dragon that still had spiky edges - but Russell had carved it, and in seeing it, she felt closer to him. The young woman looked over the few toys that remained in the room before sitting back on the bed. She couldn’t find her phone, and so she opened one of the bedside table drawers, only to pause.

Her phone wasn’t there. Instead, she only found a stack of unmarked letters. Alice had no intentions sticking her nose where it didn’t belong, but before she closed the drawer, she couldn’t help but notice the same name at the top of every letter.

Amy.

Amy, Amy, Amy.

Alice shut the door with perhaps a bit more force than was appropriate before rising to get dressed and start her day. Hopefully, Russell hadn’t gone very far. She had hoped that they might be able to do some Christmas shopping together.

And she would forget about Amy, whoever she was.

When she emerged into the kitchen, however, Russell was nowhere to be found. Instead, Franklin was the lone occupant, sitting at an immense island with a cup of coffee and a croissant. He was, Alice quickly noticed, wearing only pair of low slung jeans, and she quickly looked away. As attractive as the man was, Russell was built slightly better. And she did so enjoy following the sprinkling of dark hair that ran down his flat belly to the treasures beyond…

“Good morning.” Franklin greeted her despite her obvious embarrassment, “Coffee?”

“Yes, please.” She stammered, taking a seat at the bar as she reached for the sugar in front of her.  “Do you happen to know where Russell went?”

“He’s out on a jog. Longer than normal, if you ask me, but I expect he’ll show up again soon.” Placing a ceramic mug before her, Franklin poured the coffee with a deft flick of his wrist before setting the cream next to her as well.

“Like it light and sweet I suppose?”

“Something like that.” Alice smiled doctoring her concoction until she was happy with it before taking a sip. “How did you know?”

“You didn’t reach for the coffee like it was your lifeline. Black coffee lovers are a bit more hardcore.” Franklin took a seat next to her, but made no move to invade her personal space. Alice, naturally, breathed a sigh of relief.

“Are you insulting my love for coffee?” She teased him as he passed her a decadent chocolate croissant.

“Not at all. Just gauging whether or not you might drop dead without it.”

Alice couldn’t help but laugh “Fair enough. I assume, then, that you like it black?”

“As a moonless night.” Franklin demonstrated by draining the rest of his cup. There was a devil-may-care attitude about him that Alice admired. At the same time, she could see why Russell might be wary of a man so blasé about his own life.  “So I assume you’re the woman who’s going to change Russell?”

Alice nearly choked on her coffee. Raising her head, she gazed pointedly at Franklin. He was even more forward than she might have expected.

Alice merely took a bite of her croissant before answering carefully. “The only one who can change Russell is Russell. Perhaps I’m foolish for wanting all of him, but I’m willing to wait, if that’s what it takes.”

“Are you, now?” Franklin’s brow shot upward. “And you know, of course, that Russell has barely had a relationship that’s lasted more than six months?”

This wasn’t new to Alice. She’d made it her business to know exactly how Russell felt about relationships. She’d dealt with his indecision for months - and who knew how much longer she’d have to continue dealing with it? Of course, she would have fallen for the one man who was all but unattainable to her.

“I know. I suppose I’m lucky to have gotten this far. Russell tells me he’s never brought another woman home to meet his family.”

Franklin’s expression turned contemplative. “Well...that’s not precisely true.”

Alice’s breath caught in her throat. It wasn’t that she thought Russell might have lied to her - it was merely that the prospect of learning something she hadn’t known about Russell always made her both apprehensive and excited. She didn’t want to go behind his back, but at the same time, she wondered if there was any other way to truly learn about what kind of man he was deep down.

“Franklin…” she struggled with herself at what the elder man suggested. “I don’t want to pry...Russell obviously treasures his privacy-”

“Alice, I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that I don’t pull my punches.” Franklin interrupted her not impolitely. “What I’m going to tell you is not because I’m conspiring against Russell. I’m telling you because you seem to genuinely care for him, and you deserve to know the truth.”

She wasn’t quite sure what to say to that, so Alice remained silent. Franklin, however, went on without hesitation.  “You are the first woman that Russell had brought home in over ten years, which is no small accomplishment. But there’s a reason for that. Russell hasn’t always been as closed off as he is now, you know. When he was younger, he was willing to go anywhere, do anything to achieve his dreams...and he was in love with a young woman named Amy.”

Alice immediately stiffened. There was no doubt in her mind that the Amy Franklin spoke of was the same Amy from the letters in Russell’s room.  Even if she’d wanted to say anything at that juncture, the words wouldn’t have come.

“They were both young and impetuous. Amy would have done anything for him, and she probably indulged his bad boy habits a little too much, but they had fun together. He was head over heels in love and he was already going on to mother and father about how he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life.”

Alice could only imagine what a young and impetuous Russell might have been like. One who wasn’t afraid to give of himself - to give everything he had without regret. In that respect, she found herself jealous of this Amy. She had everything that Alice might ever wish for.

“She died.”

The words were like a physical blow to Alice, so great was her shock. Franklin stared down into his coffee cup, his tone carefully neutral. “There was an accident in London and she didn’t make it. You can imagine how devastated Russell was...it might have been part of his decision to leave Britain entirely. He just couldn’t stand the memories he made here.”

This was the last thing Alice had expected. She thought maybe some woman had hurt him, or something traumatic had happened in his childhood. She had never imagined he might have lost the woman he loved.

“I don’t know how Russell thinks,” Franklin went on with a sigh, pouring himself another cup of coffee. “But I know he felt responsible for her death. And that might have something to do with why he can’t open up to anyone now.

“That’s an abridged version, to be sure...but if you and Russell are going to be together, it’s a subject that you’re going to have to broach yourself eventually.” Franklin sucked in a breath before releasing it. When he finally looked at Alice, his handsome face was turned up into a sheepish smile. “I hope I haven’t ruined your holiday.”

Ruin was a strong word, but Alice couldn’t deny that Franklin had given her a lot to think about. Fighting against Russell’s past was one thing, but pitting herself against a tragic figure? Alice didn’t know if she could, in good faith, do such a thing. As she insisted to his mother, the last thing the young woman wanted was to hurt Russell.

She couldn’t imagine bringing up Amy would do anything but hurt him.

“More coffee?” At Franklin’s offer, Alice merely laughed softly. “Maybe with a little whiskey.”

At that, Franklin grinned. “Now we’re talking.”

 

Alice contemplated what Franklin told her all morning - long past when Russell returned. She did, indeed, get to go Christmas shopping with him, but she remained thoughtfully silent for most of the trip - to the point where Russell asked her if something was wrong. Thereafter, Alice threw herself into her task until she seemed almost too full of holiday cheer. She shopped for everyone except Russell, wondering what she was going to get the man. Something that wouldn’t seem too overbearing.

Something that said…’I know I’m your second choice but hopefully that’s enough.’

Even the thought made her wince.

Even so, Alice tried to count down Christmas as enthusiastically as the Darwell family did. Apparently, they waited until Russell returned to start preparing, and so the few days leading up to Christmas Eve consisted entirely of Alice gaily helping the Darwell’s decorate while guzzling eggnog and apple cider. Both of which, by the way, were spiked, so, despite her hidden depression, Alice managed to keep up with the merry household quite aptly.

She arranged to have a sample dress brought up from her studio for Janeane, and bought a bottle of nice whiskey - of the ilk her brother liked -for Franklin. She had already finished shopping for her own family, and now she was merely putting off making amends with Michael. She only hoped that she could eventually go to him and tell him how wrong he was. That Russell had actually fallen for her and forsaken all his uncertain ways.

But that was one Christmas miracle that she knew was close to impossible.

By the time Christmas eve rolled around, Alice found herself taking a break from the festivities. She made her way upstairs to Russell’s room and shut herself in, looking out the window at a heavy gray sky that threatened snow.

What on earth was she doing?

Though she hated to admit it, what Franklin told her shattered her confidence. Alice merely wished there was some way to prove to Russell how much she loved him; but at the same time, she didn’t want to overstep her boundaries. As enthusiastic as she had been at Russell’s invitation, and as wonderful as his family was, perhaps it had been a mistake to come here.

Taking a long sip of the drink she’d brought with her, Alice tried to pump herself up to return downstairs and celebrate with Cordelia and the others. They were really being wonderfully lovely to her. It was rude of her to flee up here the way she had…

At that precise moment, the door to Russell’s room opened and Alice jumped, turning to see the man himself entering, his expression hesitant. For the love of God it was criminal that she should want one man so badly even as he was tearing her apart emotionally.

“Alice?” He entered the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. “Is everything alright?”

He’d asked her the same question numerous times over the past few days, and every time, Alice had lied to him. What else could she do? Now, she opened her mouth to do the same once more...and found that she couldn’t.

Taking a deep breath, the young woman met Russell’s gaze and said the one thing she knew she should avoid like the plague.

“I know about Amy.”

Surprisingly, Russell showed no outward alarm at her statement. Rather, his face went carefully blank and he crossed the room slowly to sit on the edge of the bed - a good three feet away from her. For a long moment, he didn’t speak, and when he did, his tone held an accusatory edge.

“Franklin told you.”

Alice told herself that she wasn’t going to cry. There was no reason to cry. She might have known something like this would happen.

“Only because he can see how much I care about you...and I do care about you, Russell. More than you know.”

“I know you care.” His voice came out more sharply than she’d ever heard him before and Alice flinched slightly. “I wouldn’t have brought you to meet my family if I didn’t think you cared.”

“But you still won’t let me in,” she burst, visibly frustrated. “You take all the time to feed me carefully constructed lines and tell me what I want to hear, but you won’t really tell me what you want from me.”

“I don’t even know what I want from you.” Russell’s voice was oddly quiet. “As I’m sure everyone has told you, Alice, I don’t let people get close. I don’t have very much practice.”

“You let Amy close.”

It was the wrong thing to say, but was it so terrible of Alice to want him to love her the way she loved him? She would share with him anything he asked, and now she was coming to realize that she couldn’t be with Russell if he couldn’t do the same with her.

“That was a long time ago.” He snapped harshly, shocking her with the frigidity of his tone. “I let her close and she died. She’s gone - just like that part of me is gone. I can’t be who I was back then, Alice. If that’s what you want, I can’t give it to you.”

Alice drew in a shuddering breath. “That’s...not what I want.” And it wasn’t. Alice didn’t want to be Amy. She simply wanted Russell to understand how she felt about him -what she was willing to endure for him.

“Then what do you want?” He demanded quietly, his dark eyes unreadable. At that moment, Alice wanted nothing more than to throw herself into his arms and have him comfort her. For him to tell her that he loved her and that everything was going to be alright.

“Tell me how she died.”

This time, Russell did stiffen, and Alice realized that she might have crossed a line. Still, she waited with baited breath, and eventually Russell began to speak. “I was something of a daredevil when I was younger. I wanted to skydive, to climb mountains, and to see the world - all preferably before I was twenty-five. I loved Amy because she shared all those aspirations with me and more. She was like my mirror image, so naturally, she wanted to go everywhere I went”

Alice swallowed thickly, clasping her hands tightly together as he continued.

“When I bought my first motorbike, she was overjoyed. She couldn’t wait to ride with me, and for a while, she came with me on every occasion she could. I even bought Amy her own helmet. We were planning on taking a trip all the way down to Italy on the bike...our first major road trip together.

“The accident happened when we were on our way home from shopping in a rain storm. Usually, I’d do all kinds of tricks in a bid to impress her, but I knew the storm was dangerous, so I was driving unusually carefully. I stopped right before the white line at a major intersection.” He ran a hand shakily through his hair. “The truck didn’t.”

Alice gaped.

“She was probably killed on impact. The truck slammed right into us - all but crushing her. I was the lucky one. I flew twenty feet through the air and only suffered a cracked spine and a couple of broken bones. My helmet protected me...like I was supposed to protect her.”

Any promise Alice had made herself not to cry flew straight out the window. Moisture was streaming down her cheeks, and her chest felt as if it were drawn tighter than a drum.

“I’ll never forget how she looked that day...so much blood….all the emergency vehicles. The truck driver kept apologizing and apologizing...but all the apologies in the world couldn’t bring her back. I couldn’t face her family...I could hardly face my family….and so I decided to leave London. It still hurts to come back.”

By the time he finally fell silent, Alice couldn’t help herself. She moved forward to wrap her arms around him tightly, drawing him against her. “Russell, I’m so sorry. So very sorry.”

He let her hold him, and after a beat, Russell even held her in return, his grip so tight she could barely breathe. But Alice didn’t care. If she could give her life to comfort him, she would. Anything to take his pain away.

She knew that she could never replace Amy. The most she could hope for was that her love would be enough to make him see that Russell could trust again - that affection didn’t always have to end in disaster.

“Russell….I love you.” The words escaped her before she could stop them. “I’ve loved you for a while...maybe since the day I met you. I…” she trembled slightly, taking the chance to lay herself bare before him. “I want you to know you can trust me. Your happiness means the world to me...and I just want you to heal.” She reached up to cup his cheek gently, stroking the beginning of stubble there. He looked so lost...so lonely.  “Amy would have wanted you to heal.”

Almost immediately, Russell’s expression hardened. “ How do you know what she wanted?”

Alice’s mouth moved in an attempt to find words that didn’t make it past her throat as tears started to blur her vision. “You can’t replace her, Alice. No woman can replace her.”

Alice’s world was falling apart. Alice was dimly aware of rising from the bed as she groped for her purse and phone. She had no inclination of trying to pack her luggage - her only impulse was to get out of the Darwell manor a quickly as humanly possible.

It was hard for her to breathe as she yanked the door to Russell’s room open and hurried down the stairs. She realized far too late that Janeane and Franklin were calling after her, but Alice didn’t stop running. Not in the kitchen, not in the immense main corridor - not until she was outside the Darwell manor and past the main gate, headed for the busy London streets. She barely noticed the blast of freezing air that raised goosebumps on her arms as she raised her arm vainly for a taxi.

At eight in the evening on Christmas Eve, there were none to be found. Indeed, there were very few cars on the road at all.

And so, Alice began to walk.

She pulled her phone out of her purse and dialed the only number she could think to at a time like this.

When her brother answered the phone, Alice couldn’t even manage the apology she knew she owed him.

“Michael?” His name escaped her on a sob.

“Alice!” The elder man’s voice rang with concern. “What’s going on? Are you alright?”

“Can you...can you please come get me?”

How had she bullocksed things up so abominably?

 

**

 

It was, without a doubt, the worst Christmas Russell had ever had. Despite the demands of his mother, brother and sister, he didn’t leave his room. In fact, he barely left the bed. He was too busy staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Was he really as broken as everyone attested he was? Was it impossible for him to get close to someone?

Every time he tried, he seemed to sabotage himself.

When he invited Alice home with him for Christmas, Russell’s intentions were golden. He wanted to let her in where he had let almost no one in before. But when push came to shove, and he realized the enormity of what he was undertaking, he felt himself crumbling. He was going places he had never ventured before, and the execution made him acutely uncomfortable.

Everything went perfectly. So perfectly, in fact, that he had been alarmed. Deep down, Russell realized, there had been a part of  him that had wanted this meeting sabotaged as well. If his mother or siblings hadn’t liked Alice, it would have been easier to come to terms with his inability to love her.

Even if she deserved that and so much more.

His mother took to her immediately. Alice was polite, and not too familiar - more than that, she seemed to embrace his mother’s very peculiar way of looking at things. Franklin’s frankness didn’t scare her off, and she took Janeane’s blind enthusiasm in stride.

She interacted better with his family, even better than Amy….and that fact had stuck like a thorn in his consciousness. He wanted to be with Alice. He wanted with all his being to be with her - but he couldn’t for some reason. Because of Amy who still held his mind hostage.

Even now, he could remember the way she smiled - the way she laughed…

He’d written letters to her for almost a year after her death, and now he read some of them, and longed for her companionship even more ardently. Things had been so much simpler back then - so much more exhilarating….

“Russell? Please open the door. I’ve brought you Christmas dinner.”

At his mother’s summons - the fourth of the day - Russell finally set the letters aside. The moment he did, he was besieged with the unfortunate words he’d said to Alice- the way she fled as if he had ended her very existence.

What he meant to say, or clarify, was that he couldn’t replace Amy.  He didn’t want to replace Amy. He wanted something brand new…but he couldn’t figure out how to feel that, or let Alice know in a way she would understand.

Rising, he crossed the room to the door open it. He was met with his mother’s small smile. She held a tray of Christmas dinner with a small present she’d wrapped for him. Try as he might, Russell couldn’t bring himself to smile back at her. He merely stepped back and admitted her to the room. Cordelia Darwell entered soundlessly, shutting the door behind her. She waited until she set his dinner on the dresser to speak. “I noticed Alice left yesterday. Did the two of you have a falling out?”

Russell merely frowned deeply before beginning in on his dinner.

He barely tasted it.

“Russell,” his mother continued softly. “I know it’s none of my business...but that girl...it’s very obvious how she feels for you…” She trailed off and Russell merely continued to eat. He knew very well that he was acting like a sullen teenager, but what was he supposed to say to her? That he had driven Alice away and that was what was best for everyone? That he was incapable of loving her, or anyone else for that matter. He had already gotten one person killed. Wasn’t that enough?

“Russell, I know you’re hurting. If you weren’t hurting, you’d be talking to me. The very fact that you’re hurting means that you can’t possibly be what you’re afraid you are.”

“Please, mother.” Russell didn’t mean to be sharp, but at that particular juncture, all he wanted was to be left alone. Preferably for the next eon. “I’m fine. I’d like some privacy.”

Cordelia merely stiffened, nodding curtly once before she took her leave. After the door closed quietly behind her, Russell set his tray aside. He didn’t particularly feel like eating. Maybe he would go for a run. Considering that it was Christmas day, he would be the only person on the trails.

But that also meant that he would be alone with his memories of Alice.

He would have to risk it, and hope he survived the gaping chasm where his heart used to be.

 

The holidays passed in a blur, and not because Russell was absorbed in work or his family. Instead, he was absorbed in his own misery - and nothing he did seemed to temper it. He tried reading the numerous letters he’d written to Amy, but they helped him understand nothing about himself.  He ran himself ragged - ten miles every day -and worked out in the manor’s gym until he couldn’t move. Despite their offers of Christmas presents, he avoided his family like the plague and did his best to get back to work.

Even if no one was as prepared to return as he was.

On New Year’s Eve, Lemmy didn’t answer a single one of his calls and Russell, fed up, flung his phone at the nearest wall. It promptly broke into about twenty minute pieces, and an infuriated groan escaped him.

He was losing his mind.

Ever since Alice walked out on him, he couldn’t seem to control the flood of emotions constantly flowing through him. He, who had always prided himself on his calm, controlled exterior. He, who never lost his cool.

Now he was throwing mobile phones at walls, dreaming of women he’d alienated and wondering if he wasn’t destined to tear himself apart.

So it was no surprise that when a knock came on his door, he barked almost ferociously at his visitor.

“Go the fuck away!”

“Oh, sod off, Russell. Stop acting like an infant and let me in.”

It was Franklin - the absolute last person Russell wanted to see right now. He glared at the door, refusing to answer. It wasn’t the first time Franklin attempted to intrude on his solitude, and it wouldn’t be the last. 

Then came the banging.

Despite his lean frame, Russell knew how strong his brother was. “Open this bloody door right now or I swear by all that is holy that I will break it down.”

Their mother would massacre him. He wouldn’t dare.

But he did.

In the next instant, Russell was flinching as Franklin all but kicked in the door in two swift movements. One second, the door was on the frame and next it was on the floor. Russell merely stared at it in shock.

Franklin had done it. He’d actually broken the door down.

The crazy bastard.

He stood in the doorway, glaring at Russell as if he were the one who had done something wrong. He gave his brother a long once over before grimacing. “You look like shit.”

“Get out, Franklin, “ Russell growled in warning. “Go away.” It had been years since he’d lost his temper, but at that moment, he was right on the edge.

“I’m not going anywhere until you stop acting like a madman and talk to me.” Franklin declared, stepping into the room determinedly.

Russell snapped, lunging at the smaller man instantly. Unsurprisingly, Franklin dodged past him before tacking from the side. Russell went down surprisingly hard with a loud grunt. “You’re being such a stubborn arse!” Franklin exclaimed, putting him in a very effective headlock as he struggled.  Franklin had been captain of his school wrestling teams in both high school and at the university. Once he had someone in a grip, there was little chance they got free.

But Russell had emotional distress on his side. Somehow, he wriggled his way out of Franklin’s headlock, aiming a punch for his face and missing. In another instant, Franklin had him pinned again, and Russell knew that this time, he wasn’t going anywhere. His elder brother merely let him struggle until he went limp, breathing hard.

“Finished?” Franklin added, to add insult to injury.

“Fuck off!” Russell snarled.

“Is that what you told Alice? If so, I can see why she left.” At the mention of Alice’s name, Russell immediately stiffened.

Franklin snorted. “I thought not.” After waiting a moment to be sure that Russell wasn’t going to jump him, he finally released his brother. Standing in a smooth motion, Franklin groped his way to the edge of the bed before sitting down, fixing Russell with his piercing gaze. “Now, you may not want to hear what I’m going to say, but I’ll say it anyway,” Frankly begin sternly. “You’re in love with Alice Tate. It’s the only reason you would act this way. It’s like you’ve regressed twenty years.”

Russell merely glared at him. “I’m not in love with her. I can’t be.”

“You’re more in love with her than you ever were with Amy Murphy.”

Russell immediately bristled. “How dare you-”

“No, how dare you,” Franklin rebutted with enough force to make Russell’s mouth snap shut in surprise. “Amy has been dead for over ten years, Russell. Ten years. How the hell have you convinced yourself that her death was your fault?”

“Because it was!” He exclaimed, his grief all but tearing him in two. “If she hadn’t been riding with me, she would have lived!”

“Russell, life happens. No one doubts that you loved Amy, but what you shared with her was young and idealistic. Alice is a gorgeous, successful, vibrant woman and she’s crazy about you. She doesn’t care what happened in your past - she just wants to be there for your future. Are you going to let Amy rule you from the grave forever? Man up!”

For a long moment, Russell merely stared at him in shock. Of course, he’d never known Franklin to pull punches, but this was, without a doubt, probably the harshest thing his brother had ever said to him.

It pierced through the complicated web of grief and guilt he’d built for himself and forced him back to reality. A reality in which he had allowed his memories of a woman long gone to rule him for a quarter of his life. A reality in which he had somehow stumbled on the only woman who put up with all his bullshit and forced her to endure all his pain and suffering. And then he had let her go.

On Christmas Eve.

Christ, he was worse than a pig bastard.

And he was in love with a woman he didn’t deserve.

“Hey.” He jolted when Frankly addressed him sharply. Russell felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted from his shoulders - as if he could breathe properly for the first time in his entire life. “Are you going to fix this or not, you bloody idiot?”

Franklin was an asshole - but somehow, he was an asshole that always knew what Russell needed to hear.

“I suppose I am.”

“Well good. I think you should open this first.” With that, he tossed an unopened package onto Russell’s lap and the agent realized it was the package his mother brought him with his Christmas dinner. Of course, at the time, he had hardly been in the mood for gifts. He hadn’t even looked at the tag that told him who the gift was from.

It wasn’t his mother.

He was surprised to find that Alice had gotten him something for Christmas - she must have bought it before the falling out. Attached to the present was a small envelope and now, Russell opened it almost reverently.

Inside, there was a letter from Alice.

 

Dear Russell,

Happy Christmas.

I have to admit, I’ve often wondered if we would make it this far. I imagine this is difficult for you, even if I don’t know WHY it’s difficult. I can respect it. Everyone is different, and despite the ups and downs between us, I’ve never regretted meeting you. Every moment I’ve spent with you has made me happier than I thought I had any right to be, and you taught me what it was like to be treasured - truly treasured - by a man.

I’m sure you realize by this point how much I love you. I know that it’s selfish for me to want you to love me back, so I won’t ask you to. I’ve realized that I don’t need to hear those words from you. You show you affection for me in other ways. The way you laugh when we’re alone - the way you look at me when you don’t think I notice. How you bring me flowers and cook for me when I’m sure I look a fright and no one else in the world wants to be anywhere near me.

Seeing you happy lights up my world - and I find I want to erase anything that makes you unhappy.

That being said, you might find my Christmas gift a bit unconventional. You might even be angry with me, but I decided to risk it.

I don’t know what made you decide that you’re never getting on a motorbike again, Russell, but I’m sure we can tackle it together. I myself have never even ridden on one! I’m sure your experience is far greater than mine. But, even if it isn’t, I’ll be with you every step of the way. All I want is to see you smile, and if this can bring you even one slight step closer to eternal happiness, then the risk will have been worth it.

With all my love,

Alice

 

P.S → I’ll always be riding right behind you, even when the road’s at its rockiest.

 

He was a fool.

Such a goddamned fool.

“Where is it?” He immediately demanded, ripping open the package to reveal the key to a new Harley Davidson. After over ten years of wanting to be nowhere near a motorbike, Russell had never wanted to mount one so badly. “Tell me!”

“Hold your horses, Christ,” Franklin quipped, making a great show of cracking his knuckles as he kept his brother waiting.

“Franklin, I swear to God, none of your games!”

“Alright, alright! It’s behind the bloody garage. Be careful. The roads are icy.”

In that moment, although he was still half-furious with the elder man, Russell still managed to flash him a smile. “You know I hate your bloody guts, don’t you?”

Franklin chuckled, shaking his head slowly. “I love you too.”

And with that, Russell was off. He merely hoped he still remembered how to ride.

It had taken him twelve years to realize it, but he could never forget Amy. She would always be special to him - and she would always be in his heart.  Even if he didn’t love her the way he loved Alice.

But that didn’t mean there wasn’t ample room for Alice - if she would still have him.

 

**

 

Victoria was beautiful. She was one of the most beautiful things Alice had ever seen - and every time she looked down into her baby niece’s face, she remembered that life wasn’t over. She still had a family, still had a career, and still had the capacity to love.

But oh did it hurt.

Why the hell did people give their hearts away if it hurt this much when they got broken? Alice had wanted so badly to be in love, but now she regretted flying into it so blindly.

She wasn’t foolish enough to think the world was ending, but it certainly felt that way - to the point that she had a problem functioning. On Christmas day, she’d done her best to throw herself into festivities with her family. She had opened presents, eaten Christmas cake, and participated in drinking games until she all but passed out.

But Alice hadn’t felt any real joy.

All she could remember was the anger on Russell’s face when he told her he could never replace Amy.

She couldn’t imagine that he would ever forgive her - which meant that working in him with LA would be one of the most difficult things she had ever done.

But Alice had never been one to shy away from her own problems.

Of course, when she told Michael, Rose and Elias what had happened since they last spoke, they were all ready to take up arms for her. Michael offered to go back to the Darwell estate and ‘rearrange his face’ while Elias called him a fucking, cowardly cur and threatened to compromise the structure of his family home.

Alice turned both of them down and did her very best to keep a stiff upper lip. Of course, when Elias and Michael had finally gone to bed, she’d allowed Rose and Cat to comfort her as she cried her eyes out. If she had her way, she would never allow her brother to know how deeply Russell Darwell had hurt her.

Even if she worried that he already knew.

It was better to think about brighter things. Today was New Year’s eve, and even if she felt a piece of her was missing, she could promise herself she’d do better in the new year. Alice could design more. She could spend more time with her family. She could take a week’s sabbatical - a whole seven days at a spa all by herself.

Things would get better.

“Are you alright, Alice?” She jumped slightly, holding baby Victoria protectively to her chest as Michael entered seemingly from nowhere. He was decked out quite festively for the holiday, in a deep navy sweater, dark slacks and smart shoes. He and Rose were going out, and she had volunteered to babysit. As long as she was concentrating on Victoria, she would have little time to remember just how much Russell had hurt her.

“I’m fine.” She managed a small smile, even as Victoria started to fuss. “You two can go ahead and go. Don’t worry about me.”

Michael frowned deeply, dropping onto the couch next to her. “You know that’s impossible.”

Sighing, Alice lifted Victoria onto her shoulder, patting her back gently to quiet her. “Michael, really, I’m fine. It’s just one man.”

Michael’s frown didn’t abate. “One idiotic man who didn’t deserve your love. I still think you should have let me break his face.”

That drew a smile. “Right. Break the face of the queen’s grand-nephew. That’s a brilliant plan.”

“I think it’s pretty top notch.” Rose poked her head in, making Alice laugh softly, even if her smile didn’t quite meet her eyes. The blond woman expelled a breath, her expression rife with worry.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

“We’ll be fine.” Alice rebutted almost instantly. “We’ve got digestives, ice cream and girlie movies. We’re going to have a sleepover, right, Vicky?”

In response, her niece burbled happily and Michael chuckled. “If you’re sure then.” Before he turned to leave, however, he pulled Alice into a tight, unexpected embrace. “You know I’m here if you want to talk. I’m always here.”

That almost undid her.

Somehow, Alice managed to suppress her tears. “I know.”

Five minutes later. Michael and Rose were out the door, and Alice was left alone with her cooing bundle of joy.

For the next half hour, she did all she could to keep herself busy. She fed Victoria minute amounts of ice cream, forced herself to laugh at rom coms and changed diapers needlessly - twice. It only took another fifteen minutes before Vicky started to nod, and Alice had to bite her lip to prevent a plea for the child to stay awake. When she put Vicky down, her penthouse apartment seemed strangely quiet. She’d given Tom the holiday to spend with his family, so she all she could do was go back to her romantic comedies, all the while telling herself how asinine they were. Real love, she realized, wasn’t like a fairy tale. It was much crueler, and happy endings were one in a thousand.

When the doorbell rang, she merely groaned lowly. She could only imagine why Michael had come back this time. Though he was a brilliant father, he could be a bit overbearing. If he wasn’t calling, he was coming back to make sure she hadn’t forgotten something.

Rising, she trudged to the door, yanking it open to confront her  brother.

And froze.

It wasn’t Michael.

In fact, it was the last person in the cosmos she expected to see on her doorstep at that moment.

Russell was waterlogged from a combination of rain and sleet, and, as he stood there, Alice couldn’t help but think that he was the most gorgeous sight she had ever laid eyes on - even soaking wet.

But why was he here? If he’d come to give her her things back, she could take them politely and go on with her night.

He didn’t have a suitcase.

Oh God, she wanted to run, faint and scream all at once. She could hardly breathe.

And then, Vicky’s cry rang through the apartment.

Immediately, Alice snapped back to the present. She took in Russell’s luscious form once more before flinging the door open. “I’ll be back.” With that, she turned on her heel, rushing towards Victoria’s nursery.

The moment she arrived, she could see immediately why her niece was upset. This time, Victoria’s diaper was actually wet.

“Oh shhh, shhh…” Alice’s heart was thundering even as she lifted the baby from her crib in preparation to change her. Though she had no problem going about her auntly duties, she hadn’t forgotten the man who was currently standing in her foyer.

Once Victoria was changed, Alice rested her against her shoulder, rubbing her back slowly in an attempt to calm Vicky just as much as herself. What the hell was she supposed to say to Russell? What did he want?

She only wished a few days was enough for her to forget how much she loved him - it wasn’t fair that the sight of him still made her knees weak. Trying to take deep breaths, she inhales Victoria’s soapy, powdery scent and, to her shock, found tears rising to her eyes. Not now, She couldn’t cry now.

“You look as if you were made for doing that.”

With a gasp, she whirled to see Russell standing in the doorway of the nursery. There was, Alice noticed, no trace of the anger or confusion that had been present on Christmas Eve. Instead, Russell was gazing at her almost reverently - in a way that filled her belly and heart with traitorous warmth.

“Made for what?” When Vicky murmured sleepily against her chest, Alice began to rock her instinctively. The baby would almost certainly be asleep in another minute or two. Couldn’t Russell wait until then to devastate her again?

“Holding a child. You’re absolutely beautiful, Alice.”

The young woman drew in a shocked breath, even as her eyes filled anew. “Stop.” She whispered. “Please.”

“Alice…” Russell took a step towards her and Alice took one back. Without another word, he held out the key to the motorcycle she’d bought him and a soft sob escaped her. He couldn’t do this to her. Not now, when he’d already told her she could never have his heart. “Alice, I’ve been such a damned fool. I know you may not want to hear what I have to say, but at least let me say it before you throw me out.”

Alice could hardly get a word out, and when she did, her voice was hoarse with disbelief. “Speak.”

To her utter shock, Russell dropped to his knees. “Alice, I was stuck in the past. I’ve been stuck in the past for as long as I can remember, and it’s always kept me from doing the right thing. I told you I didn’t want to replace Amy because I don’t want to replace her.  I never loved her like I love you.  No woman, besides you, has ever come close to showing me what kind of future I might have until you. I was too stubborn to do what came naturally. I kept questioning myself when the answer was right in front of me all along.”

It was all Alice could do to keep to her feat. This was a dream. It had to be a dream. The Russell she knew would never say things like this. He couldn’t.

“Alice, I’ve been a mess since you left. I told myself I was protecting you, so that the same fate that befell Amy wouldn’t happen to you.  But I realize it’s not about her anymore. It hasn’t been about her for a long time. I’ve been...abominable to you...I know that. But I would be even more remiss if I didn’t try to make things right.”

And then he pulled out the ring.

Alice’s legs gave way beneath her, and she held Vicky to her tightly as she sank to her knees, tears flowing freely down her face. Oh God. Oh God.

“I love you, Alice Tate. I’ve loved you since the day I met you, and, if you’ll have me, I’d like to love you for the rest of our lives.”

Alice stared into his eyes, utterly speechless. Of all the times Russell had ever told her the things he wanted her to hear, he had never spoken so passionately. He had never looked at her as if she was the only thing in the world that existed.

He’d never told her she looked beautiful with a baby in her arms.

“I want forever, Russell.” She managed, unable to stop her tears. “I want forever, a family, babies...I want your trust...and I want you. Most of all, I just want you.”

In an instant, she was in his arms. “You have me. Alice, I swear to you, I’m yours.”

He held her both tenderly and gently, the baby cradled between them, and there was nothing Alice wanted more at that moment than to have Russell’s child with them  - growing inside her, in her arms along with Vicky.

“I love you, Russell.” By now, she was crying unabashedly, and she didn’t give a single whit.

“I adore you, Alice...and I intend to show you exactly how much for every minute of every day.”And then he was kissing her - hard and long and gloriously, and Alice’s heart was, once more, whole again. He kissed her until Vicky started to fuss between them, at which point, he pulled back with a soft laugh before stroking the baby’s downy head softly.

“She’s obviously upset because you haven’t said yes.” Before she could even protest, Russell had taken Vicky from him to cradle in one arm as he used his hands to slip the engagement ring he’d brought onto her finger.

It was a perfect fit.

“Yes.” Alice breathed, without hesitation - and she’d never been surer of anything in her life.  All wounds heal, they both quickly figured out.  The only thing capable of quenching grief was starting anew, with hearts unguarded and all trusting.  Alice reminded Russell Darwell that he could love idealistically once again, the same kind of love he once knew as a younger man.  He would never have to fake-smile in her presence or hide the smallest detail of his mind ever again.  Where there was a willingness to forgive, even the nightmares of the past, there was always a chance for the heart to heal.  At last, Alice and Russell allowed themselves to fall in love. 

 

THE END