CHAPTER ONE

CASSIE

"Hey, babe?" 

"Yeah?" 

I answered my boyfriend's call but kept my eyes glued to the mixing bowl in front of me. Carefully I added a bit of raw vanilla bean, nutmeg, and cinnamon as the electric mixer swirled it all together like a magic potion.

I mean, it was my perfected cheesecake recipe after years of trial and error so technically it was magic.

"Babe?" Mark called again. 

"Yeah, I'm in the kitchen," I yelled back.

Somehow over the mixer, I heard a loud sigh and then a few lumbering steps from the living room until he stood next to me. 

"Can we talk for a minute?" he asked.

I didn't have to look at him to know what was coming. The joy of my delicious cheesecake coming to fruition deflated like a balloon.

"Sure, give me a second," I said, keeping my voice nonchalant because God forbid I actually revealed how much these talks upset me.

I shut off the mixer, pulled my apron over my head, and smoothed out my crazy, red curls before joining Mark on the couch. 

"What's up, babe?" I asked cheerfully, pretending not to notice the gym flyer on the coffee table. 

"So you know it's a brand new year and all," he began, gesturing in the air with his hands like he always did. "I figured it's the perfect time to really improve ourselves. We've both gotten kind of lazy and unmotivated so why not get active again? Plus we'll look much better in our wedding pictures." 

"Yeah about that," I said a bit snippily. "Since it's a new year and all, why don't we also make it a goal to, you know, set a date and actually plan the damn thing?" 

"Babe." He looked at me pleadingly with sad puppy eyes which I used to find adorable but now filled me with loathing. "Before we say our vows, I want us to develop healthy lifelong habits. I don't want to get winded chasing after our kids. And I want you to be healthy during pregnancy, childbirth and all of it. But we have to get in shape first." 

With every talk, his reason was always different. At first, we couldn't afford a wedding, then we couldn't afford to pay for our kids' college. And lately, it had been sly comments about my weight and exercise and health.

As I sat there listening, I didn't want to face the truth that had been staring me in the face for the past five years. He delayed things like making our relationship official and moving in together too, but not as much as the wedding. 

He proposed to me. If he didn't want to marry me, why would he even bother?

"This new gym has really deep discounts on personal training sessions," Mark went on, picking up the flyer. "All kinds of new year specials. Think about it, babe. Having a trainer will be so much more effective than if we just go there without any plan."

We, we, we. Are you sure you don't mean me, me, me?

I never even put on a lot of weight since we'd been together. I'd always been a curvy girl who loved her sweets and I thought he loved that about me. Early in our relationship, Mark was full of loving words, compliments, and could barely keep his hands off me. Gradually that all died down but I figured that was normal for long-term relationships heading for marriage. 

"So if I agree to this," I said cautiously. "You'll be there the whole time with me?" 

"Well yeah I mean, I'll do what I can. You know how my work schedule gets, babe." 

Already with the excuses and we hadn't even stepped foot inside yet.

Still, I bit my tongue. I loved this guy and he had stuck with me for five years. No one was perfect and maybe he just needed some of the same encouragement he was giving me. 

"If we do this together and hold each other accountable," I said, hoping he would catch that he couldn't pin this all on me. "For say, a month, then can we talk about planning the wedding?" 

Mark's eyes darted away from me as he wrung his hands together and my heart sank. He always did that when he wanted to avoid talking about something, which was usually wedding planning. Ironic for someone who always wanted to talk about how "we" could improve ourselves. 

"Well, I read somewhere that it takes longer than a month to build a habit so I dunno, maybe visit it in three months?"

The tiniest spark of hope grew within me. Yes, he was kicking the conversation down the road again but three months wasn't that long from now. Maybe this time he would stick to it instead of making excuses. Maybe once he lost some weight too, he'd finally be ready to marry me.

Yes, that was probably it. He definitely gained more weight than me over our five years together and didn't want to seem insecure about it. Not that I ever made comments about it or lost my attraction to him.  

"Three months then," I said. "We start planning the wedding in three months only if we both stick to this gym thing. If either one of us starts slacking, we'll need to talk sooner and figure out our priorities." 

"Great, babe!" Mark grinned and leaned in to give me a peck on the lips. My mouth parted for a deeper kiss but he already pulled away. "I'm so glad we had this talk! You're gonna look so hot when you're all tight and fit."

He picked up his beer and turned back to the TV while his words sank like knives into me. I tried not to let them hurt. He didn't mean it like that. He just wasn't the most well-spoken guy. 

Just shake it off like Taylor Swift, I told myself.

I scooted closer to him on the couch and ran my hand up his thigh, hoping for even a little bit of reassurance that I was still hot right now, curves and sweatpants and all.

"Hey," I whispered, nuzzling his neck before planting a kiss there. "It's been a little while, huh?" 

Twenty-four days. If we don't fuck within a week, it'll be an entire month without sex and we haven't even gotten married yet. 

"Um, babe," he whined as he shifted away from me. "I just want to catch the end of the game and go to bed. I got an early shift tomorrow." 

Every rejection seemed to compound into each other, mounting exponentially. I didn't know what my limit was but it was getting close. If we actually went a month without any kind of intimacy, I would probably lose it. 

Trying to keep the tears from falling, I stood from the couch and went to the kitchen to finish my cheesecake.