Millie
As Miss Daisy trotted behind Zak’s horse, I could see a beam of light through the trees.
“Looks like Jesse’s waiting for you,” Zak called over his shoulder.
“I am sorry, Zak,” I replied, trying to quell the feeling of nausea rolling around my stomach. “Tell your wife I’m sorry, too.”
“Stop stressing about it, maybe you could go to Rowdy’s with her one night. She don’t get out much, so it’d be good for her and you could buy her a few of those damn sugary sweet cocktails that she likes.”
“It’s a date,” I agreed. “And all on me.”
“Jesse.” Zak gave him a chin dip. “One English lady for you buddy.”
“Thanks, Zak. Really appreciate your help, and don’t forget about that purse for Sarah.” Jesse got down from his horse and held a hand up to Zak.
Zak took it in some kind of hand clasp/hand shake and nodded. “Well I’ve told Millie here that maybe she can take Sarah to Rowdy’s one night. She’d like a girlie night out, I reckon.”
Jesse nodded and then said something that almost had me falling out of my saddle.
“Yeah, maybe the four of us could go. Kinda like a double date.” He growled out the words, his eyes never leaving me as he said them.
“Sounds good to me,” Zak replied without any surprise. “Guess I’ll be off. Maybe Sarah will still let me have some birthday cake.”
“Thank you again, Zak,” I said, feeling terribly guilty.
“No problem, but please, Millie, next time you’re mad at Jess, just slap his face like any other woman.” With a chuckle he rode off, urging his horse to go a little faster.
Jesse watched him go and then turned to me. He lifted a hand and with one finger, beckoned for me to get off Miss Daisy and go to him. If I didn’t think I was already in trouble for causing so much worry, I would tell him to get lost. I would not be bossed around by him and certainly not by using a damn accusatory finger. Aside from which, it was really hot the way his jaw was clenched and he had one hand at his hips.
Slowly, I slid out of the saddle and landed on the ground. I didn’t move, but stood and watched Jesse cautiously.
“Here,” he growled, pointing at a spot in front of him. “Now.”
God, he was so sexy when he was being bossy, and my whole body went on high alert.
I walked towards him and stopped exactly where his finger pointed.
“What the fuck was that all about?” he ground out.
“You know what it was about,” I replied defensively. “I was giving you the space that you wanted.”
“Bullshit, Armalita.” Jesse removed his hat and pointed it at me. “Do you have any fucking idea what could’ve happened to you out here?”
I shrugged and looked down at the floor. This was worse than being hauled into the headmaster’s office at school. The anger was positively seeping from every single pore of his body; you could almost smell it.
“Damn well look at me when I’m talking to you,” he hissed.
That made my head shoot up. “Who do you think you are, speaking to me like that?”
“I’m the fucking man that’s been searching these woods for nearly two hours, looking to save your damn ass from a freezing cold night out here. That’s who I think I am.”
“I know, and I’m sorry, but you can’t speak to me as though I’m a child.”
“I damn well can, especially when you behave like one. I should fucking smack that ass for what you did.”
My hand went instinctively to my bottom, but at the same time, my breath hitched.
“You like the sound of that, don’t you?” he asked, his voice still laced with anger. “Well I can certainly oblige if that’s what you want.”
“No, I do not!” I protested, my eyes wide.
“Well don’t ever do that again. Marty and Zak should not have to be out here looking for you, just because you’ve had a little hissy fit.”
“I did not have a hissy fit,” I mumbled, like a sulky child.
“Yeah, well I think you’ll find you did.”
“Oh, whatever, Jesse. Let’s just get back to the ranch and then you never have to worry about me again.”
“Is that what you think, Millie?” he asked, taking hold of my chin with his thumb and forefinger. “That I’d never worry about you, that it’d be that easy?”
I shrugged again.
“What the fuck is it with this damn shrugging?” he cried. “Since when did you have nothing to say?”
“What do you want me to say? I’ve told you I’m sorry, I admit I was stupid. I’m sorry I wasted your evening.”
“Wasting my evening, you think that’s what I’m mad about?”
“Well that and putting your horses in danger, maybe?” I watched as he stormed back to Dillinger and hooked his hat on the saddle.
“You think it’s that simple?”
“God Jesse,” I cried to his back. “Just drop it please. I’m grateful you looked for me, I’m sorry I was an idiot and stormed off, I’m sorry I reacted badly, in fact, I apologize for absolutely everything from getting lost, to the American Civil War. There, does that cover everything?”
I covered my face with my hands and groaned into them. I had no idea what else he wanted me to say. I knew I’d been stupid and reacted badly to his honesty. At least he hadn’t let me think we could be something, only for him to wave me a happy goodbye in ten months’ time. While I was contemplating what to say next, I felt his hands on mine. He pulled them from my face.
“I don’t give a shit about any of that,” he said softly. “Yeah okay, you shouldn’t have gone off on your own, but I’m past being mad.”
“What, you’re furious now?” I huffed. “Deep joy.”
Jesse sighed and shook his head. “You fucking drive me crazy, you know that?”
“Yep, I’m kind of getting that,” I grumbled. “Just say what you have to say.”
I was resigned for the full force of Jesse’s anger or ferocity, whatever he was feeling at the moment.
“You think that this is me being mad?”
It was obviously a rhetorical question, because he simply ploughed on.
“Well this isn’t me being mad, baby, this is me being as scared as fucking shit that something had happened to you.”
I looked at him, my mouth gaping with bewilderment. He called me baby again. The first time I’d thought it had been a slip of the tongue, or I’d misheard over the radio, but there was no way I’d misheard that. Not only had he called me baby, but he’d said it with such tenderness that it had made my heart sigh. With a smile and a stroke of my cheek, Jesse continued.
“I couldn’t breathe while you were out there on your own. My heart was yelling at me to find you, because if I didn’t, I was damn sure it was going to give me pain like I’ve never felt before.”
“Jesse,” I whispered, emotion gripping at my throat.
“No listen to me, Millie. What I said to you, I really did think that was what I wanted. To carry on living in the past, being married to a ghost, but she’s gone and she isn’t coming back. I loved her with everything I had, but the way I feel about you is so damn intense, I feel as though everything that went before was just practice for this, for us.” Jesse reached up and wiped away the tears that were slowly running down my cheeks, tears I wasn’t even aware that I was shedding. “Baby, the guilt that comes with the feelings that I have for you is suffocating and the only time I feel any peace is when I’m with you.”
“Which then makes you feel guiltier,” I said, with a sniffle.
Jesse nodded. “Yeah, it does, but you know what? I have to work out how I live with that, because I’m not sure I can live without you.”
The sob that escaped from me was one of relief, happiness, and fear all mixed together. To hear those words gave me a feeling of euphoria, but I was scared at what the ‘but’ was going to be, or that once I fully gave my heart to Jesse he would suddenly change his mind.
“You need to be sure about this,” I said, gripping onto his shirt and leaning my forehead against his chest, not daring to look at him. “If you’re not sure, Jesse, tell me now.”
Jesse lifted my chin with the palm of his hand and then stroked my cheek.
“I can’t promise that this is going to be easy. I’ve had two years of hardening my heart to everything and everyone, but if anyone can help me through this, you can. You’ve helped me so fucking much already.” His hands framed my face as his thumbs wiped away more tears. “I haven’t felt happy for so long that I’d forgotten how to even smile, but then you came here and I started to remember. But, you have to know there’s still so much more I need to get through.”
I nodded. “I know, and I know it won’t be easy for you. But I promise I’ll be patient and I’ll help you as much as I can.”
“I know you will. You’re the one who got me to open up to Addy, you’re the one who made me realize that what I’d been doing was empty and meaningless.”
I took in a deep breath as I realized he was talking about Angie and all the other women he’d been having sex with since Melody died. Thankfully, Jesse had enough sensibility not to be specific.
“Being with you, Millie,” he continued. “It meant something to me. I felt the difference in here.” He patted a flat palm against his chest, swallowing hard as he did so. “You’ve brought light to my life again, when I thought I would always be in the dark; when all I wanted was to be in the dark. Now, I want this, I want us, and I may struggle from time to time, but I want to try and be the man that you deserve, that Addy deserves and that I deserve to be.”
There were no words that I could say that would even come close to those Jesse had just said, so I simply threw myself into his arms and kissed him until we were both breathless.
Jesse decided that we were both riding home on Dillinger, so I sat in front of him, while Miss Daisy trailed behind us. As we made a slow journey back, Jesse’s arms kept tightening around me and then he’d gently pull my face around to kiss him. He’d given me his shirt, leaving him in a white t-shirt, but he didn’t seem to care about the cold, and as his arms wrapped around me to hold the reins, I rubbed my cheek against his bicep, loving the feel and smell of his bare skin.
“You warm enough?” he asked, dropping a kiss on my neck, just below my ear.
“Yeah,” I sighed dreamily. “What about you? I feel bad that I have your shirt.”
“I’m fine, I’ve never felt better.” He chuckled. “In fact, I have the most amazing boner at this moment.”
“Jesse,” I scolded and playfully slapped at his thigh. “This is supposed to be a romantic ride home, and you’re talking about your cock.”
Jesse laughed loudly and squeezed his arms around me. “Now who’s turning this into something dirty?”
“Not me,” I protested.
“You used the word cock, not me. Although, you did miss a word out of that description.”
“And what would that be?” I asked, as if I didn’t know.
“Huge, of course.”
Jesse laughed some more and my ears fully appreciated the sound of it. He rarely laughed, but when he did, it was deep and joyous, and I loved it.
We carried on in silence for a few more minutes and I felt Jesse tense behind me. Surely he hadn’t changed his mind already.
“What’s wrong?” I asked with a quaver in my voice.
“Shit, you know me too well already,” he sighed. “Nothing bad, I’m just wondering what we tell everyone is all.”
“Do you want to keep it quiet?” I looked at him over my shoulder, and could see, even in the dim light, that his eyes were soft. There was no fear or anxiety, just tenderness.
Jesse shook his head. “No, I want us to be open about this. We’re not a dirty little secret Millie, and I’m sorry I made it sound like that the other night when I was a dick.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, baby, I’m sure. We’re us and I want everyone to know that.”
“Oh my God, I think my womb just did a back flip. Jesse Connor, you’re one smooth cowboy.”
“You idiot,” Jesse laughed and kissed the back of my head. “Seriously though, what do we say to Brandon? Addy will be high as a kite when I tell her. Mom, Dad, and Garratt won’t be surprised, but Brandon, shit I have no idea.”
Waves of nervousness washed through my stomach. I’d never promised him anything, but I never got around to telling him that I didn’t feel that way about him either.
“I should tell him,” I stated with a sigh.
“Nuh uh,” Jesse replied with another kiss to my neck. “We do it together. We’re us now, remember?”
With that, I leaned back into his chest and sighed, feeling happier than I had in years.