Chapter 26
Dark Knight
Scout sat at the table, fingers curled around her useless phone, and stared at the surface. She was adrift, lost in a world she hated, floating along some destined path with no idea of where her fate intended to send her.
“Hey.”
At Parker’s soft word, she turned. He looked upset. Some odd emotion swirled in the depths of his green eyes. Was it regret? About inviting her here perhaps.
She gave a weak smile. Parker. He was an entirely different issue she needed to deal with. Everything had become so fragile. She wasn’t sure how to read him, how to interpret the casual gestures he’d been making, but she knew they needed to get back to normal or this delicate hold she had on herself might crumble and turn the little peace she had left into dust.
She was drained from overthinking everything. Sighing, she tried again for a smile and failed. “Hey.”
His gaze searched hers, and he hesitantly pulled out the other chair at the small table and sat across from her. “I think we should talk,” he quietly said.
Yeah, they probably should, but she was just so damn weary of everything. Life had never been this hard. The constant struggle to survive was nothing compared to this ongoing emotional battle to keep breathing, to keep seeing purpose and moving ahead. She could barely muster the attention she needed to form the proper facial expressions. How was she supposed to have a conversation about hypotheticals she might be imagining? The wrong words could make an awkward situation unbearable.
Her gaze connected with his and she waited. His hand slid across the surface of the table and curled around hers. She tried not to wince. More mixed signals. Maybe he was just trying to be supportive. The hand still holding her phone dropped to her lap, protecting the worthless device from others as though it were some sort of security blanket that could somehow protect her in return.
“Scout, I hate seeing you like this. It’s killing me.”
Did he think it wasn’t killing her? She felt like her body had started rotting from the inside out, all bits of life slowly breaking away, starting with her heart. What was the point of all this pain?
When she said nothing, anger briefly flashed in his eyes followed by some regretful expression. His face lifted, and he focused on her with what she could only identify as resolve.
“I’m going to make you forget about him, Scout. I won’t pretend to understand what you two had, but I promise I can be better, better for you.”
A better friend? Again, his words confused her. “Parker, I—”
“I know. I know you’re hurting, but . . . try . . . try to move past that.”
She scoffed. “I am.”
“I can help you.”
“You’re my friend, Parker. I don’t want anything to ruin our friendship.” She lowered her head. “You’re all I have left.”
He drew in a deep breath and looked away. “I would never let anything destroy our friendship. We’ve been friends for almost a decade, been through freezing winters, sweltering summers, hungry springs, and dry autumns. We’ve seen children come into this world and watched acquaintances go out. You and I, we have an understanding for life that men like Lucian Patras will never grasp. You and I are the same, Scout. Nothing will ever change that.”
Yet she couldn’t shake the sense he was somehow trying to change everything.
She needed to clarify, needed to state the obvious and make sure he was on the same page. “You’re my friend, Parker.”
He took her hand. “And you’re mine.”
She carefully extricated her fingers and he frowned. “I’d never jeopardize that.”
“Me neither.”
Why was this so difficult to talk about? Maybe because if she misinterpreted something and said the wrong thing she’d be putting it out there, and once something was out there it was impossible to pull back. She didn’t want to inadvertently put ideas in his head.
She met his gaze. “Good. I’m glad we’re clear on that.”
When he looked back at her, something tightened in the air. Their eyes locked, both pleading for something, but something altogether contrary. Her heart began to race at the unwanted feelings his intense look brought about inside of her. It was different yet familiar. She looked away.
“You’re too pretty for all the ugliness of this world, Scout. Too special. I want to help you find the beauty in life again. Help you find your smile again.”
Heat rushed up her neck and she blushed. She didn’t know what to say.
Her heart began to race as she briefly let her mind entertain the chance that he might be saying more than just words. She missed being touched, missed the feeling of being kissed, the rush of blood and surge of nervous energy that came with being intimate. What would that be like with a man like Parker?
The vision she tried to conjure was immediately rejected by some part of her. She simply couldn’t see him as more than a friend, and maybe she was imagining all of these mixed signals. She frowned inwardly. This was also Lucian’s fault. He’d suggested Parker had more than platonic feelings for her, and now she was paranoid.
Her voice was a choked sound. “I’m trying to get back to the girl I was. That’s what I want. I want everything back to the way it used to be. I just feel so . . . I’m . . . broken.”
His jaw clenched and she recognized the glimpse of anger flashing in his gaze. His hand again gripped hers. “You are not broken, Scout. Don’t say shit like that.”
Too much introspection, too many emotions, the abyss of fear broke and the pain suddenly seeped out. She’d kept it locked in for most of the day, but she was getting tired again. Something close to a dried-up sob slipped past her lips. “But I am. I’m not even sure if I left him or he left me, but I do know if he welcomed me back I’d go running to him.”
“He’s an asshole!”
“He’s also incredibly sweet. He loved me the way no one else ever has.”
He suddenly released her hand and forked his fingers through his hair. “You can’t say that if you’ve never given anyone else the chance to love you.”
Oh, God, please no. Don’t take us there. “Why would I want to? This is the first time I’ve ever experienced love, and I’ve never known such pain or misery.” She wiped her eyes. “I love my mother and she . . .” The ache in her chest bloomed. “Love is so powerful. It lifts you up and cuts you down. I hate it and want nothing to do with it.”
He stood abruptly and began to pace. “It isn’t natural to scorn love. That’s what I’m trying to get you to see. He’s the one that’s broken. You can’t go by what he showed you. You need to stop defining things in his terms. Love is the underlying motivator in this world, beyond wealth, beyond anything else; only love could drive a person to such a ceaseless place of want and need. It’s the most powerful driving force of life.”
“No, Parker, it’s the most powerful distraction to our existence.”
He came over to her chair and dropped to his knees. “Why exist at all if it’s not beside someone you care about, someone to share it all with, the ups, the downs, the great moments and the hardships that cut us in two? We’re meant to have partners in the world, Scout, someone to make us feel complete and right. Don’t close yourself off because of one asshole. Time will fix things. You just have to be patient.”
It shouldn’t bother her, but every time Parker referred to Lucian by a nasty label, her mind conjured a memory that disproved his words. She thought of the moment Lucian burst into the mill last winter, how he scooped Pearl into his arms and carried her out of that hellish place. She remembered the day they celebrated her first birthday. Her heart tightened. He wasn’t an asshole.
Or was he? She recalled the day he had embarrassed her in front of Shamus and the look in his eyes when he realized he’d upset her. His apology was so raw and clearly unfamiliar to his lips, yet he looked at her with humbled confidence and vowed to never do anything so thoughtless to her again. He’d kept that promise . . . for a while.
Her head was all over the place, no room for more. There simply was no space left to consider more of the unfamiliar.
Why did people try so hard to find love? It was awful and cruel when taken advantage of. And like all things of power, the temptation to abuse it was too easy. When someone loved a person, they surrendered everything so completely it was against human nature not to take advantage. And when they walked away, one was left exposed and vulnerable to all the ugliness.
Lucian had always been a danger to her. He did something nameless to her. He could tease her in a way that delivered her from life’s challenges. How she wished she could find that deliverance now.
Being with him gave her a sense of falling that was more addicting than anything she had ever known. He’d conditioned her to crave that loss of control he created. He taught her to wholly surrender and simply be. It was without thought, and for the first time in her life, during those moments of intimacy, she saw herself in her rawest form.
And he crushed her.
“What are you thinking?” Parker whispered, still holding her hands.
The phone pressed between her palms was a weight she couldn’t seem to let go. “I don’t know. My head’s a mess. I feel like I’m dying.”
“I’ve watched you with quiet fascination for years, Scout. You’re strong, driven. You have a fire inside of you that no one can bank. With time the hurt will fade.”
She wanted to believe he was right, but her pain was so consuming it seemed impossible. She’d been someone else over the past few months. It was her, but not. And the woman Parker was describing . . . that didn’t fit either. “You’re glorifying someone I don’t know, but I’m certain she isn’t me.”
“How can you say that? She is you.”
She was turning into some pathetic, tortured soul. Why couldn’t she see herself the way he saw her? Anger washed through her. Life was never this complicated.
Her face crumbled and she cried. The weight of all her confusion finally fell like an avalanche inside of her.
“Talk to me, Scout. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”
“Why?” She had so many questions as to why. Why had she not been enough for Lucian? Why did he need her to marry him? Why had he simply let her walk away? How was she still living with so much agony?
“Why what?”
“Why did this happen to me?”
He touched her jaw, dragging his fingers lightly to her ear and down her throat. “Because you’re different and people see that. Patras saw it and he won’t be the last. You’re special.”
“No, I’m not. I’m incredibly selfish. I only know how to think about myself.”
“That’s not true and you know it. Every choice you’ve ever made has considered others. You never make a single move without thinking about what consequences it might hold for the people you care for. You move with purpose and always try to predict how others will follow.”
She was tired. “Like chess.”
He frowned. “What?”
“You describe me like chess.”
“I suppose that’s a good way to put it.”
“I can move whatever direction I want, yet I won’t leave the king.”
He released her and sat back, his expression suddenly hard. “And he’s the king?”
Of course. She nodded.
“What does that make the rest of us, the sacrificial pawns?”
She smiled sadly. “If you asked Lucian, he’d call you a dark knight.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because you come off unthreatening, but really, you’re quite stealthy.” She was still amazed she was sitting in Parker’s apartment, on his furniture.
He chuckled and arched his brow. “Stealthy?”
She smiled. “Yes. The knights appear to be focused on one direction, but are known for making swift, unpredictable shifts and hijacking the entire game. He said I should watch out for you.”
“Maybe he’s right.” The momentary ease of their conversation evaporated. He’d done it again, slipped in some confusing sentence that had her questioning the ever-dependable presence that was Parker.
She met his stare head-on, a glint of assuredness making his gaze sharp in a way she’d never seen him look before. This was what Lucian had been referring to when he called Parker shrewd. It was a worrying side of him to see. Instinctively, she withdrew her hands from his grip.
“Parker.” She swallowed. This time there was no misinterpreting the look in his eyes. When he eased forward, she drew back. “I can’t.”
“Scout, can’t is a word outside of your vocabulary. And it’s a very extensive vocabulary.” He quickly brushed his lips over her cheek and stood, leaving her frowning. It was the kiss a brother would give a sister. She was mangling everything. She needed to just stop, stop thinking, stop worrying, stop her brain from overthinking.
She took a moment to scrutinize him. She didn’t know why, but she continuously compared him to Lucian. Parker was so different from Lucian, younger, leaner. Parker was a handsome man. He had a sophisticated air and an earthy edge, while Lucian was all chiseled edges and sleek control. Lucian was contained authority, and Parker was reserved vigilance.
As she analyzed the soft curve of his lip, the dappled golden shade of his haphazard hair, she saw a man who was quite attractive. Her fingers went to her cheek, where his lips had briefly touched. Maybe she was the one mixing things up.
Parker saw her as a girl she no longer was. His opinion of her remained unchanged. She was the one who suddenly saw him differently. The boy she’d grown up beside was gone, and in his place stood a man she sometimes couldn’t recognize. Perhaps if she could somehow make herself feel something for Parker, her heart would stop pining for a man who no longer wanted her.
No! Her mind immediately rejected that suggestion. But the thought remained. She trapped it away, labeling it as destructive and wrong.
As she struggled to predict how long she would hurt, she couldn’t help but scrabble for anything that would numb the pain. Was this what Pearl felt like, helpless to have what she’d become so addicted to?
She was painfully aware of the fact she was holding on to something she no longer had. Her heart constricted. For the first time ever, she saw shades of Pearl in herself.
Like Pearl, Scout craved something she couldn’t have, something that changed her, brought her to life in a way only she experienced, while onlookers pitied how lost she’d become. Did Parker pity her?
Lucian was an addiction, and the withdrawal was surely killing her. Seeing her situation in that light made her recovery absolutely necessary. She’d become as disoriented as her mother.
She drew in a slow breath. Parker continued to pace as her insides fell to pieces.
She sat on the straight-back chair and watched as he turned to face her. “Scout,” he whispered.
What could she say? She was completely lost. She remained silent. She wasn’t sure what sort of expression she wore, but it drew him close. He slowly held out a hand. Confused, she placed her fingers in his. Make it stop. Make the pain and questions go away.
“Let’s get out of here,” Parker suddenly said.
“W—where do you want to go?”
He grinned. “Let’s go have some fun like we used to. I want to see you smile, and I decided my goal for the day is to get as many smiles from you as I can.”
Grinning at the offered distraction, she nodded. Escaping sounded nice. It also sounded daunting. Scout didn’t know if she could commit to a day of feigned happiness when on the inside, shattered bits of sadness were fighting to get out of her. But she agreed anyway. He was the only lifeline she had left.
“Okay.”
***
The temperature was in the low sixties. People ambled along the city walks without coats, and the soggy April ground showed little peeks of spring. Snippets of green flecked the wintered earth, and pale blooms of color were budding from the thawing soil. Trees were greening and the world took on a renewed appearance, as it once again was reborn beneath the sun.
They first went to Ninth Street Park, where a group of children were having a baseball scrimmage. Scout smiled at the ragtag appearance of their clothing. This was not an organized competition, but a joining of friends sharing in the nice afternoon.
Some kids had softened leather gloves and some merely used their hands. There were no bases, only a general understanding that certain lines in the sand stood for more than just tracks.
She and Parker sat in the run-down dugout of the field. Ninth Street was one of Folsom’s many community parks, ranking among the less nurtured. The game didn’t play for nine innings. Rather, it continued until the girls on the field lost interest and formed a small cluster by third base, where they giggled and watched the boys.
The boys continued to perform and compete. They strutted like young peacocks for their female counterparts, and for every bit of fanfare their efforts were well rewarded with chortles and flirtatious finger waves.
Scout smiled at the display, envying it for the natural promenade it was. No matter how old she grew, she would always envy the secure freedom of regular children at play, something she never experienced on her own but always watched longingly from a distance.
When the game seemed to conclude, even the boys putting aside their gloves and bats to join the clusters of girls hanging in the outfield, Parker stood and held out his hand. “Come on.”
They walked along the path that bordered a pond. The breeze was stronger there, and Parker quietly slipped off his tweed jacket and slid it over her shoulders. They crossed a small bridge and stopped at the center to watch a gaggle of mallards swim by.
“The ducks will be having their babies soon,” Parker commented.
Scout adored seeing the new ducklings each spring. She always found it impressive that in the rush of the city, when a mother duck led her ducklings across a road, everyone stopped until the last little webfooted balls of fluff safely marched to the other side.
They followed the trail until it led them back to the ballpark. The sun was setting behind the trees, and the children were all gone.
“Are you hungry?” Parker asked.
“Sure.”
“Come on.”
He took her hand and led her out of the park. She wasn’t sure why she allowed him to hold her hand, but his lead excused her from thinking, and she welcomed his direction, found comfort in handing over control.
They walked to a middle-class section of Folsom, where several schools were located. The streets were cast in a late afternoon glow as the sun took up space somewhere behind the buildings that stunted the horizon.
“This looks good,” Parker said as they arrived at a church.
Scout smiled. It had been a while since they’d done anything like this, but she knew the drill. They entered the small church, and in the basement voices echoed as parishioners gathered and enjoyed a weekend potluck. A man with receding gray hair greeted them.
“Hello, welcome to Our Lady of Grace. I’m Pastor Dan.”
Parker placed his arm over her shoulders and extended his hand. “Hello, Pastor. I’m Parker and this is Scout.”
“Nice to meet you.” After shaking Parker’s hand he reached for hers. She shook. “You’re welcome to help yourself. Plates are over there, and feel free to walk around and meet the flock. In about an hour we’ll be holding a casual service upstairs. All are welcome.”
They nodded their thanks and made up plates. There were various home-cooked dishes sitting out in mismatched containers. Once their plates were filled, they found seats between two older women who asked various questions, some a bit intrusive about their relationship and some as simple as what they thought the weather would be tomorrow.
After everyone seemed to fill their bellies, Pastor Dan made an announcement, and the parishioners cleared their plates and moved to the upstairs of the church.
“Did you want to stay for the service?” Parker whispered as they tossed their plates.
Scout shrugged. It was expected, but no one would stop them from leaving if they chose to go, seeing it as being “Christianly” to share food with those hungry.
They quietly slipped out the side door just as a choir began to sing. It was amusing to her that they’d just found a good meal the way they used to, without spending a dollar. Especially since she now had a bank account holding hundreds of thousands of dollars, and Parker had a closetful of suits and had money as well.
Her jaw tightened at the reminder of the money Lucian put aside for her. Was that the price of his guilt? The price of her? No matter how far she’d fallen, her pride was worth more than the temptation of the money. She’d never touch a cent of it. It was ugly and offensive, and she hated him a little more for leaving it to her.
The sun set, and the sidewalks were no longer as congested. Scout pulled Parker’s jacket tight over her chest. “We should probably get back. It’s getting cold.”
He nodded and, without comment, they strolled in the direction of the apartment. At about a block away, his hand casually slipped into hers again and squeezed.
Scout still didn’t know what to make of this new, affectionate side of Parker. Perhaps he was only reacting to her outward breakdown. They had always been so respectful of each other’s personal space, but Parker seemed to be purposefully putting an end to the way things used to be. Again, she chased the thought away, needing this momentary reprieve from her mind.
When they arrived at the apartment, he unlocked the door and let her step in first. His feet shuffled over the bare floor and when he found the lamp, the room glowed in soft amber. She stood by the entrance to the living room and stared at him. They each seemed to be having a moment of now what.
“I had fun today. Thanks,” she said, breaking the heavy silence.
He smiled and took a slow step toward her. Her breathing was slow, but her heart raced.
Do something. She wanted to escape the moment, but his gaze held her in place.
“I had fun too,” he whispered as he came to stand in front of her. His fingers lifted to her hair, picking up a strand. She followed his gaze as he examined it. He seemed mesmerized by the feel. She shifted uncomfortably.
Everything over the past few weeks was such a blur to her that she wondered exactly when she granted this unspoken permission and how permitted he assumed he was to touch her. Curiosity was a dangerous thing.
She was curious, but her distrust for her heart and commonsense gave her temperance. She’d never again surrender to that driven, potent, lust she experienced when she and Lucian first touched. Of course, that wouldn’t be a problem with Lucian being gone.
When Parker touched her, like he was now, it was slightly different for some reason, and she had yet to determine if it was different in a good way or a bad way.
His gaze met hers and she recognized the intent there. Feet shuffled a step closer. She sucked in a breath. She should move. Green eyes stared deeply into hers, and there was that quiet moment of warning just before his lips touched her cheek, this time lingering a second longer than they had before.
Forcing herself to relax, Parker’s scent filled her nose as his fingers released her hair, and he stepped away before she could determined what the kiss meant.
She lowered her gaze to the floor.
The echo of Parker’s easy laugh filled the silence. Gentle fingers caught under her chin and tipped her face up. “I had fun today too,” he repeated, and turned to get something in the kitchen.
He returned a moment later with a glass of water. After taking a sip, he tilted his head and frowned. “You okay?”
She nodded. “Just tired.”
“You can have the bed again if you want. I don’t mind.”
She frowned. “No. It’s my turn on the couch. Fair is fair.”
“Sleeping on the couch sucks, Scout.”
“If you can do it, so can I.”
“We could share the bed.”
Tightness slowly wove through her chest. Sharing a bed with Parker would not be a great idea. “I’ll manage.”
He looked like he wanted to push his argument, but thankfully he didn’t. Tomorrow was Sunday and she had a lot to do to get ready for her new job. She’d been sleeping more than usual, but was still exhausted. Sleep would do her good before starting work.
They awkwardly moved around the apartment in silence, preparing for bed. There was a new element to her and Parker that apparently involved a lot of blushing and downcast eyes on her part and a lot of confusing stares and stolen touches on his. She feared they might be ruining something wonderful, and the thought was so sad, filling her with such a feeling of desolate helplessness, that she pushed it away. She could not lose Parker too.