Dakota

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Stumbling down the gravel road from the bar to my Auntie Rae’s and Uncle Don’s farm after too much to drink this afternoon, I notice the sound of gravel crunching beneath tires behind me. Turning over my shoulder, I see an old brown pick-up truck, and my brother’s driving it.

“Get in,” he orders.

“No, I’ll walk.”

“Shut up and get your ass in the truck, Dakota. You look like a drunk hooker stumbling down the road in those heels.” He laughs as though it’s a joke, but it pisses me off so I rip a heel off from my foot and throw it at him through the passenger window.

“Go eat dirt, you asshole!”

“Christ Almighty, Dakota. You’re actin’ like a child over this. Get in the damn truck. I need to talk to you.”

He leans over the front seat and opens the passenger door for me. I roll my eyes and sigh, kicking out of my heels and stepping on the gravel, not feeling any pain thanks to all the shots of whiskey. I climb into the truck and slam the door shut.

“What?” I ask firmly, staring out the window. My vision is blurry from the alcohol.

“What were you doin’ there?”

I knew this was coming. There’s no way it could be avoided. “I’m not engaged. I broke it off before coming here. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t me anymore. I haven’t been me for a long time, Jack.” A lump forms in my throat but I choke it down.

“Tim is a good guy, Dakota. What the hell are you thinking? He’s got a good job and you would’ve had anything you ever wanted or needed with him. So would your future children.”

I snap my gaze around to stare at him squarely. “Jack! Listen to yourself. You really think money is going to keep me happy? I know what life is like without money, and it ain’t all that bad.”

“How can you say that knowing what we went through growin’ up?” He’s staring back at me like I’m speaking a foreign language.

“Sure, we grew up without money, and without food on the table...hell, we didn’t even have a damn table to put food on even when we did have food! Those days were hard on us, Jack, but those are some of the happiest memories I have,” I admit vehemently. “Those memories are all I have left of Ma and Dad before they died, and you know Auntie and Uncle didn’t have much money, either. But they did what they could, and we were just fine.” I raise my voice, anger and sadness pumping through my veins at an alarming speed. The lump is creeping its way back up into my throat.

Jack sits in silence, shaking his head, obviously feeling a mix of emotions.

“I’ve had expensive wine, Jack, and I’ve had the cheap shit. They both get me drunk just the same, and to be completely honest, expensive wine tastes like shit.”

Jack bursts out laughing and for a moment I think it’s out of anger or sarcasm, but then I find myself laughing along with him.

“I hate hearing about your broken engagement,  I really do, Sis. But you need to stay away from Buck. I don’t want you two ruining our friendship again if you guys don’t work out.”

“If it was fixed, then it was never ruined,” I state matter-of-factly through my drunken slur.

“I mean it, Dakota. Buck isn’t your type. He’s not a commitment kind of guy, and he’s never kept a woman for longer than a night.”

“A night is all I need,” I say jokingly. But one night will never be enough with Buck.

It’s never been enough.

A drunken laugh escapes my throat as I notice Jack giving me a dirty, scalding look.

“Don’t be talkin’ like that,” he scolds me. “Ladies don’t talk like that.”

“I’m twenty-two years old, Jack. Simmer down, I was only kiddin’.”

“And he’s damn near thirty. Stay away from him.”

“He’s twenty-six! Same age as you. And you haven’t had a girl for longer than a night, either, so quit callin’ the kettle black, Pot,” I snap.

Jack ignores me, finally shifting the truck into drive. He takes off down the gravel road toward the farm.

I rest my chin on my crossed arms, on the open window of the passenger side of the truck, letting the breeze hit my face. The warmth of summer still hangs on despite the coolness of autumn gently nipping at the air.

“So...how many girls has he spent the night with?” The question falls from my mouth and I instantly wish I could shove it back in.

“Damn it, Dakota, get him out of your head. You two will never happen again. It was a one-time thing, a big mistake y’all made. Learn from it.”

That’s the problem. I’ve never been able to get him out of my head. Buck was never a mistake. Mistakes don’t feel right; they leave you with a bad gut feeling and overwhelming regret.

Buck isn’t a mistake, I think. Timothy was a mistake. The thought passes through my mind without realizing it. Another thing left unsaid, another feeling tucked away beneath thick skin.

I’ve always respected my brother and his opinions, as he’s always been the one to look out for me. Buck is the first lie I ever told to him, and I think that’s what bothers him more than anything, even after all these years. I think it’s less about them being best friends and more about me lying to him.

Jack pulls down the driveway to the farm. Off in the distance, I see Uncle Don in his dark blue jean overalls filling the troughs with feed. The unpleasant, yet familiar scent of cow manure fills my nostrils, and while it reeks, I can’t help but inhale deeply, soaking in every aspect—the good and the bad, including my brother's overprotectiveness—of being home.

The very place we all want to escape from, to see where our wings will take us, in hopes of planting our roots in a new place to build a new place we’ll call home, but sometimes we find ourselves going back to the very place we started, the place that’s been home even when I didn’t want it to be.

That’s the position I’m in right now. I wanted to find bigger and better, felt my cowgirl boots were growing too snug. I wanted to experience life in a pair of heels and plant my roots in a big city. All I cared about was building a successful career and finding someone who was just as hungry for success as I was. I wanted someone who could take over the world with me, someone who’d build an empire with me.

But I found myself homesick; and not just homesick for the sake of the comfort of being home, but homesick for family and the idea of building a family of my own. I never wanted children and I didn’t want to live in a small town where everybody knows everybody.

Then, one day, without reason, I did.

When I think of my future and settling down and building a family with someone, the only person to ever come to mind is Buck. I tried forcing myself to see a future like that with Timothy by my side, but it just wouldn't happen.

Timothy was a necessary evil for that period of my life, when I needed to find myself. Eventually, I came to realize he was everything I never wanted and surely didn’t need.

Home is where I lost myself five years ago, and it’s where I found myself just moments ago. The instant I walked into that bar and saw Buck, that’s when I knew.

And it all came to a halt when Jack busted his way into the picture, reminding me of the one reason we’ll never be together.

Him.

I'm sure Buck wants nothing to do with me now since Jack called out my engagement in front of him. I hadn't even thought to explain at that point in time because I thought it was useless, and I didn't want to make an even bigger scene, even though there were only a couple other people in there besides us. And honestly, those other people were so damn old they probably couldn’t even hear what was being said.

Jack shifts the truck into park. Looking over at the big wooden porch, I see Auntie Rae sitting in the porch swing, her oxygen tank beside her and a glass of iced sweet tea in her hands. She looks to be only about ninety pounds now. Her face is sunken and her skin almost gray. The sight sends a pang straight to my chest.

Auntie Rae has always been a curvy woman, full of bright light and a fiery attitude to match. Even sick and at ninety pounds, she’s sitting with her head held high and her back straight, the same fiery attitude exuding from her frail body.

“Hi, Auntie.” I climb out of the truck and rush over to her, stumbling in my bare feet along the way. The whiskey gives me a not-so-gentle reminder it’s still coursing through my veins. “How are you feeling?” I ask her.

She stops the swing, and I wrap my arms around her tiny body and kiss her paper-thin cheek. “Just as I look—like shit,” she advises me curtly. “But I'm still above dirt so I can't complain too much.” I giggle and sit down next to her. “Lord, Dakota. You smell like a damn liquor store.” She scrunches her nose in distaste.

“I’m sorry, Auntie,” I chuckle. “I had a few welcome back home shots this afternoon.”

“Hmm...that sounds pretty good. Why don't you take my ice tea inside and spike it a little for me? The lemon vodka is on the top shelf—”

“Of the pantry. I know where it is,” I finish for her.

“You would know where that is, always sneaking liquor out of the house and fillin’ the vodka bottle back up with water.” Auntie Rae arches her brow at me.

I don’t even bother to deny it, too shocked. “How’d you know? You never said anything! I just thought y’all didn’t drink much.” My cheeks fill with heat, unnecessary embarrassment of being caught for somethin’ Jack and I did years ago.

“Honey, we didn’t say anything because we knew you two would do it anyway and we didn’t want you guys stealin’ from anybody else or takin’ drinks from strangers that could’ve been drugged.”

I furrow my brow at her. “You really think we would’ve been drugged at a party around here? Everybody knows everybody, and every party was always at the Dawson’s place.”

“Good point,” she nods in agreement, snapping her fingers. “Chop, chop. I need somethin’ to wet my whistle.” Auntie grins while she hands her plastic cup of iced tea to me.

“I think I can manage that. Do you mind if I have one with you, too?” Not that I need it. I’ve had enough this afternoon, especially on an empty stomach.

“Are you kiddin’ me? Of course, I don’t mind. It’s a Friday afternoon, I think? Hell, I don’t know what day it is, and it don’t matter. The weekend started for me three months ago...”

Three months ago.  That’s when I found out Auntie was sick. I was told it wasn't anything to worry about, but it spread and got out of hand. That's when I was faced with the decision of staying where I was, or coming back home. I just couldn't figure out if I was coming back home for good, or just staying for a little while to help with her.

After a long battle with the decision, I got all my ducks in a row and packed everything up. Then, I called off my engagement because I no longer saw a future with Timothy. In fact, I’d never seen one with him, but I think I’d just wanted to because I couldn’t have one with Buck.

Now, I'm wondering if I really am home for good, or just until Auntie leaves us, but it’d be selfish of me to think I wouldn't have anything left here after she’s gone. I’d still have my Uncle Don to care for.  And my brother is here. I don't know if I can stay here forever, though, being around Buck and not having him as my own.

“I won't be having dinner here tonight with y'all, Auntie,” Jack states, coming up onto the porch. “I’m fixin’ to go out to dinner and drinkin’ with a friend tonight.”

“Oh, a friend? A girlfriend? It’s about damn time,” Auntie teases him.

“No, nothin’ like that. I'm just goin’ out with Buck tonight.”

Anger pounds heavily in my chest at his words and I scoff, rolling my eyes at Jack.

“Is there an issue with that, Sis?” He’s daring me to say something about it.

“Nope. You two go have a bunch of fun. I have no problem with it at all.” I take a big gulp of my iced tea with lemon vodka, shivering at the strength. I can drink whiskey from the bottle, but vodka is just plain cruel to me.

“Why are you pickin’ on your sister, Jack?  Leave the damn girl alone. She just got home,” Auntie reprimands him.

Jack walks away, opening the creaky screen door and heading inside to get ready. I stay seated on the swing, sulking next to my aunt.

“What's the matter, Dakota? Why are you upset he's hangin’ out with Buck tonight?”

“I'm not upset. I just think it's funny they're gonna hang out after what just happened at the bar only a little while ago.”

“You know those two fight one minute and are fine the next. They’re just like brothers, you know that. Buck has been a part of this family since y'all were little kids.”

I can't bear to hear anything more about Buck being like a brother to Jack or like family. Of course, I know he is. I just happen to see him as so much more than family, and on a completely different level.

“Auntie, I think I've had a little too much to drink. I need to go rest. Holler for me when it's time to cook up supper, and I'll come down and fix it.” I stop the swing, kiss her gently on her soft cheek, and then stand to make my way inside.

Shuffling my bare feet up the wooden stairs with my drink in one hand and my heels in the other, I can hear the shower running. I set my heels down in the hall by the bathroom door, and then I open it ever so gently. The cup in my hand is still practically full of ice, tea, and vodka, and I carry it with me inside. Quietly, I climb up onto the toilet lid, stretching on my tippy toes, and quickly dump the drink over the shower rod onto Jack.

“Jesus fucking Christ! Oh my God, that’s so cold! Dakota, I'm going to whoop your ass!” Jack shouts, his voice full of rage.

“You shouldn't be sayin’ the Lord’s name in vain, Jack.” A laugh from deep within my belly flees from my mouth. I can't control it.

“Oh, you just wait, Dakota...you just wait.”

No, you just wait, Jack...you just wait.