Michael found a stupid old movie on the TV in my hospital room. I scoffed at watching it, but it was just what I needed. I was too wrapped up inside my head thinking about how I was going to explain to the coaches and my teammates that I couldn’t play hockey anymore. I knew that I couldn’t get into the real reasons with them, and I hoped they would merely respect me. The thoughts were running in circles inside my head, and the movie broke the cycle.

I was laughing my head off with Michael and Jordi when Lucas came back from introducing himself to my parents. He said, “It sounds like I missed something good.”

I said, “Stupid is more like it, but it is funny.”

Michael scrunched his face up into a pout and said, “I think it’s art.”

Jordi rolled his eyes at Michael. “I can even see that’s not true. It feels good to laugh, though. I haven’t done much of that the last few days.”

Lucas joined in. “Yes, it was a fun conversation with your parents, James. They told me a few funny stories about you as a little kid. I wish I’d been there.”

Michael said, “That’s why I’m never having a serious girlfriend. At least, I’m not telling Mom and Dad about it. They share too much. They need better filters.”

I heard Michael’s comment about no serious relationships. I asked, “You broke up with Sarah? I thought Mom and Dad already know her.”

Michael glanced at me with a sheepish grin on his face. He said, “Well, yeah, okay, that’s true. Sheesh, guys. I was just trying to make a point. You don’t need to pull out the fact-checking police.”

My parents returned after about an hour, and we all sat around for the next hour sharing funny stories and laughing about lighthearted movies and TV. Everyone carefully avoided any mention of sports. I decided I wouldn’t bring it up either. I’d already made my decision about my future, and I didn’t need a discussion about it.

As the conversation began to wind down, Lucas spoke up and said, “I think Jordi and I are going to try to find some dinner. James, could I talk to you in private for just a couple of minutes?”

“Aww, we have to leave for the makeout scene?” complained Michael.

Dad gripped the back of Michael’s neck and said, “Out in the hall with the rest of us. One day you’ll appreciate privacy.”

Michael laughed. “I already do. That’s why I don’t let you in my bedroom when Sarah…oops!”

I couldn’t help laughing when the crowd exited. Michael was at the age where he was a smartass about most topics, but at least he was a funny one. He had a warm heart, too. He knew when to be calm and serious. Jordi was the last ou,t and Lucas said, “I’ll be right there. Maybe we can find some good American barbecue for dinner.”

As the door to the hall closed, I looked up at Lucas. I said, “Please don’t start ragging on me about my hockey decision again. I know it’s going to piss a lot of people off, but hopefully, they will be happy to have me around and in one piece a few years from now. I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

He said, “The decision is yours, James. All I’m going to say is I don’t think you need to be making the big, sweeping decision right now. Let it all rest for a while. Enjoy the time with your family. Think it over a couple of weeks from now, and then you can start making decisions.”

The comment made me angry. It sounded like Lucas was trying to baby me and he figured I would wear down in a couple of weeks and make a different decision.

I tried to control it, but my voice rose in tone like it always did when I got upset. I said, “I can make fine decisions right now, and I finally figured out what was going on. Somehow I had this crazy idea after Meredith died in dead winter that if I could do something incredible on the ice, I would win in the end.” I reached up and wiped at the corner of my eye. “There is no winning. I lost when she died. It felt like the end of the world to me. So I went after the ice itself. How crazy is that? Seriously, Lucas, how crazy is that?” I stared up into his blue eyes. I didn’t know what I wanted him to say. I didn’t know if I wanted him to say anything. I wanted him to understand.

He said, “We all have to cope somehow.”

I blurted out, “Well, there are better ways to cope than risking losing your life on the ice, too!”

After my exclamation, he made the comment that took me by surprise. Lucas said, “Would it make any difference if I started racing on the ice again?”

I blinked, and I stared at him. At first, I didn’t know what to say. My life and Lucas’ life were two different things. At least that’s the way I saw it. I could feel the anger boiling up in the back of my throat. He was trying to compare my situation to his when they were completely different. It felt like someone shoving me off the stage and saying, “No, I’m the one you should focus on.”

I pulled my hand back from Lucas’ grip and shoved it under the bed sheet. With a growl in my voice, I said, “Everything isn’t about you, Lucas. This isn’t about you. This is about me. This is about my life decisions. Sometimes it’s time to grow up and not make stupid choices anymore. This is one of those times. I’m an architect, not an athlete. It’s time for me to use my brain and show how smart I am. I have a successful career ahead of me.”

Lucas wrapped his arms around his chest. He nodded and spoke softly. He said, “I don’t agree. I think there are times that it doesn’t make sense to rush into things. When you do, you get stuck having to defend those decisions to protect your pride. Trust me. I have experience.”

I didn’t fully process what he said. I didn’t want to hear anything he said unless he agreed with me. I lashed out once more and said, “If you can’t handle the real me, and this is the real me, then maybe we shouldn’t be dating anymore. Maybe it’s all just a stupid idea! I need to have my own life, Lucas!”

He didn’t say another word. He turned on his heels and walked out of the room, and he didn’t come back. Jordi returned with my parents and gave me a quick hug. Then he was gone, too.