Kayla

 

I wake up feeling safer and more content than I have in months, a smile on my face. I can’t remember the last time I woke with a smile on my face. It doesn’t feel entirely natural. It’s like I’m waiting for something to come and wipe it away. I lean up and look around the room: at the armchair pressed against the door, and Xander nowhere to be found. I vaguely remember something about him going out but I was half-asleep. I go into the bedroom and lift Cormac up, giving him a kiss and then giving him my nipple, and afterwards giving him some of his baby food. He’s taking more and more to the food, even if he smears half of it around his mouth.

 

I sit on the bed with Cormac in my arms for a long time. This is what people must mean when they use the word content, I reflect. This experience: not being rushed, free to just sit with my son, safe and unafraid. Part of me wonders if Xander has abandoned us, but then why would he bother pushing the armchair against the door? He must’ve gone down the fire escape; the thought is ridiculous, but it’s the only thing that makes logical sense.

 

After around half an hour there’s a rustling sound from the living room. I set Cormac down and find Xander clambering through the window like someone out of a high school movie, sneaking in so the parents don’t find out. He almost drops the paper bags he’s holding, but I rush forward and catch one. He disentangles his leg from the window and nods. “Thank you, m’lady.”

 

I giggle. I can’t not giggle, when he seems so bright, so playful. It’s strange to see this giant tattoo-covered man with such a boyish grin. “What have we got here, then?” I ask, taking them into the kitchen. I open the bag and lay everything out on plates: on the only three plates he seems to own.

 

He fills the kettle and puts it on the stove. “We’ll have to have our coffees black,” he says.

 

“That works for me,” I reply, and then I can’t stop myself. I walk across the kitchen right up to him, stand on my tiptoes, and kiss him on the lips. He lets out a growling sound reminiscent of last night and kisses me back. We hold it like that for a while, both of us lost in the kissing, and then I step away and kiss him one final time on the nose. “You don’t want your bacon to get cold,” I tell him.

 

“No.” He picks the roll and takes a huge mouthful from it. “I don’t.” Then he checks his phone. “I don’t have shit to do today.”

 

We go into the living room with our food and coffees. “I do. At least, I might. I need to find a job. I was fired from my last one and eventually I’ll need another one. But that means leaving Cormac in daycare, and I don’t know if I’m comfortable with leaving him in daycare right now …”

 

Xander takes another chunk out of his bacon roll, lost in eating it as only men can be lost in eating meat. He raises an eyebrow at me. “I don’t know if going anywhere without me is such a good idea, Kayla.”

 

“What am I supposed to do?” I reply, my voice harsher than I intend. “Connor has known where I live for ages. He could have done anything he wanted to me at any time. I can’t let him bully me into not living my life.”

 

“Sure.” He shrugs. “That sounds good on paper’n all, but what happens when he decides that your pepper spray stunt is too much for him to handle?”

 

“I won’t hide because of him,” I say, voice firm. “I won’t let that happen. I’ve spent enough of my life being afraid of him. Anyway, I’ll either be in my car or in cafés. What’s he going to do, attack me in broad daylight in a public place?”

 

“Probably not,” Xander allows. “But I still don’t like it.”

 

“I need a job,” I say. “It’s as simple as that.”

 

“I have money. Take as much as you need.”

 

“I’m not going to live on handouts for the rest of my life. I won’t do that.” Except for Grandma’s final handout, one day …

 

Xander sighs. “You’re probably right. He ain’t gonna do shit to you in broad daylight like that. But to me it seems like a risk not worth taking. But if your mind is set then you need to think of something to do with the kid. Maybe he won’t jump you in broad daylight, but from what I know about Connor, he’s a tricky bastard. If you leave Cormac in daycare he might find a way to trick ’em into believing he’s family or something. Get Cormac out of there, use him as leverage.”

 

I take a bite from the bagel and watch Xander, waiting for him to read my face. He stares back at me, uncomprehending at first. He has every right not to immediately understand, because it’s not immediately understandable. Just because I’ve slept with him it doesn’t mean I should trust him with my child. Just because he’s related to Arsen it doesn’t mean that, either. We don’t know each other, I have to keep reminding myself, because to me it feels like we do know each other, like we have known each other for a very long time.

 

His smile is slightly uneasy, but not as uneasy as I expected it to be. “Didn’t I tell you I was no babysitter?” he says.

 

“You did, but …”

 

“You think a little rough ’n tumble is gonna change my mind?”

 

“Wow. Is that really how you’d describe it?”

 

“Forgive me.” He bows his head. “I meant to say: the loveliest, most tender, sweetest lovemaking that has ever been made.” He winks at me, finishing his bacon roll with a giant bite. “I don’t know, Kayla. I’ve gotta say, I’m more open to the idea than I was yesterday. Maybe you wanna do your shrink your routine and analyze why that is or whatever. All I know is that I feel better today than I have in a damn long time. For once, I don’t feel guilty.” He smiles broadly. “It’s strange, but I don’t want it to pass. And damn, Kayla, you’ve got me sharing with you and everything. That ain’t normal for me.”

 

I touch his hand, but then withdraw it as he dives for his second bacon roll. Both of us smile. “Is that a yes?” I ask.

 

“I reckon so,” he says. “Truth be told, I lied to you when I said I was no babysitter.” He tells me a story about how he basically raised Arsen, about how he would change his diapers and feed him and rock him back and forth when he cried. “I never even knew it was strange until I asked my friends if they did the same and they started laughing.”

 

“You’re just full of secrets, aren’t you?” I ask, giggling again. It feels good to flirt after so long spent living in a perpetual state of anxiety. My pussy aches from where we fucked. I wonder if we’ll fuck later and the thought causes a shiver to run up my spine. “Thank you for this, Xander. I won’t be long. There were a few places that weren’t taking online applications. I don’t like being unemployed. I’ve never liked it. I guess it reminds me of when I lived with Connor and he made me quit my job, would barely let me leave the house.”

 

“I understand,” he says. “Anyway, Cormac’s my nephew. There’s no running away from that. He’s Arsen’s blood, which means he’s my blood, too.”

 

“Wow,” I whisper, sure my eyes are about to water up. “You’re—you’re so great, Xander.”

 

“I’m sober.” He shrugs. “Maybe that has something to do with it.”

 

I can already tell that he’s sober from how much he’s sweating, big droplets sliding down his forehead. But I don’t want to mention it. There’s no point in making him feel bad about it. At least he’s doing the right thing. “I’m going to get ready,” I say.

 

“Yeah, sure.” He nods at the bathroom. “Go nuts. There are fresh towels in the closet.”

 

I get showered and dressed, applying makeup for the first time in months; everything lately, it seems, is happening for the first time in months. It’s like I’ve been hibernating and now I’m waking up, returning to the real world. I’ve hidden long enough. Now it’s time to go back to being the Kayla who faces the world, the Kayla who doesn’t shy away from life. About forty-five minutes later I’m standing in front of the mirror in a shirt and pants, my hair washed and tied back—the sun will have to dry it since Xander doesn’t have a hair dryer—makeup freshly applied, looking and feeling like a real person for the first time in …

 

“How do I look?” I ask, as Xander sits on the couch with Cormac on his knee. It’s a sight I never would’ve dreamed of even a day ago. So much has happened in so little time, so that time seems to have lost meaning; it has warped for us, compressed, so that a day becomes a month.

 

“You look good, but then, you ought to look good. I’ll never understand how women take so long to get ready. Or maybe I do understand it, but I’ll tell you somethin’, it don’t make me jealous. I’m more of a get-washed-and-get-dressed kind of guy.”

 

“Well, we don’t have that luxury.” For a moment it’s like we’re a family, as I kiss Cormac and then Xander. My mind keeps prodding me: you’ve only known him for a day, you’re leaving your child with him. But it doesn’t feel like a day and there’s a stronger connection there than two strangers could ever have. He’s Arsen’s brother, and that means something. “I’m going now. I won’t be long. A couple of hours at the most.”

 

He grabs my hand, looking up at me with eyes that have seen men die. “If anything happens, you find a safe place and call me.”

 

“I will, but nothing will happen. I have my pepper spray and I’m not going to be skulking in alleyways or anything like that.”

 

“Stay where there are plenty of people,” he says. “That’s an order.”

 

I snap off a mock-salute. “Yes, sir!”

 

I’m laughing as I leave the apartment, laughing as I walk down the stairs, smiling as I walk into the sunlight. But my smile dies when I reach my car. All four tires have been slashed and there’s a note stuck in the windshield wipers.

 

Whore, whore, do you want more? Whore, whore, get on the floor. Whore, whore, I’ll make you sore. Oh, whore, do you want more? I scrunch up the note, my confidence suddenly gone, glancing around like Connor could leap out at any moment. I rush back to the apartment building, heart smashing against my ribcage, wondering why I would allow myself to be captivated by such absurd confidence.

 

Xander opens the door at my knock with a sideways smile, a smile which dies when he sees me. “Shit, what happened?”

 

I explain it to him, handing him the scrunched-up note.

 

“Shit,” Xander says, pacing the apartment, the note in his hand. “That fucking guy, that fucking animal. That fucking spider. I’ll break his goddamn neck. I’ll end his goddamn life. I’ll kill him and then kill him again. I’ll tie him to a chair and—”

 

I go to him, place my hand on his chest. “Hush,” I say. “There’s nothing we can do about it right now. Don’t get yourself worked up.”

 

“This is just a bullshit threat,” he says. “If you want, all three of us can go out. We’ll take my car and show him that he can’t—”

 

“No,” I interrupt. I go into the bedroom and touch Cormac’s forehead, feeling the reassuring warmth of him. “I don’t want to go anywhere today. I want to stay here with the two of you. Can we just watch TV and maybe have sex again and get takeout and just forget that the world exists for a day? Please?”

 

He wraps his arms around me, pulling me close, resting his chin on my head. I’ve never felt safer and more worried at the same time: a curious mixture which doesn’t sit well with me. But the more he holds me, the more the feeling of safety overpowers the fear and uncertainty. Things are bad, there’s no denying that, but nothing’s going to happen with Xander protecting us. He won’t let anything happen.

 

“That sounds like a damn fine idea to me,” he says. “Come on, we’ll put on one of those romantic comedies women like so much. I’m sure we can find one. And then once you’re nice and horny from watching Matthew McConaughey woo some damsel, you’ll be ready for me to fuck you again.”

 

I jab him in the side. “Don’t be such a pig.” But I’m smiling.