Chapter 14
As she slumped back to the pub Annie felt lost and alone. What should she, she wondered, as thoughts raced through her head. Never in her life had she felt so conflicted, and she certainly hadn’t thought she would be so persuaded by Greg.
He had seemed so sincere; she had never heard him sounding so honest when he spoke. It was like he had opened the true centre of his heart to her, laying out everything he had and letting her into the deepest crevices of his soul.
“I know I never appreciated you the way I should have done,” he had said, “I never let myself love you the way I could have done because I was so scared of losing you if I did.”
“Don’t be silly,” Annie had responded, trying not to choke on the lump in her throat, focusing on the movements of the river to distract herself from crying.
“It’s true,” Greg replied, his mellow voice wavering, “I was scared of loving you too much and losing you, so I always pushed you away. Like I was testing the limits of our relationship, testing the limits of your love.”
Annie felt the lump in her throat growing and pressure of tears forming behind her eyes. She could see it all now. The river’s current seemed to speed up as she swallowed back the tears.
“And when I pushed and pushed and pushed, you stayed every time,” he continued.
“Not that last time! Not the last time, Greg!” she interjected, “not when you ran off with her! How was that testing the limits of my love?”
Annie cried, letting everything she had held back until then go in one burst of emotion.
“I’m sorry,” Greg replied.
“Sorry isn’t good enough,” Annie said, as she regained her composure.
There was a silence, broken only by the sound of the leaves around Annie being tousled by the wind.
“What would be good enough?” Greg asked.
And Annie had no answer for that. She sat in silence with the phone pressed to her ear whilst Greg sat in silence doing the same, somewhere else.
What would ever be good enough for her, she thought? He had cheated, he had run off with another woman and broken her heart. But now he was back and opening up to her in a way he had never done before; he was being honest.
“Let me think about it,” Annie said, breaking the silence.
“Will you come home? Please?” Greg asked, trying not to plead but sounding like he was.
“Let me think about it,” Annie repeated, “I’ve got to go.”
“Will you call me?” he had asked.
“I don’t know”
“Please?” Greg asked, almost begging.
“OK,” Annie said, not sure if she would.
“I love you,” he replied.
Annie hesitated before saying, “Goodbye,” and quickly hanging up before Greg could say anything else.
She realised her hands were shaking. Not just her hands, her whole body. She needed to move, she needed to go somewhere or do something. She stood up. What should she do? She clasped her hands together to stop the shaking.
“What do I do?” she thought, “What do I do?”
Over and over she asked herself. The image to Tadhg came to her mind.
“What do I do?”
She covered her face, sat back down on the bench and cried heaving, muffled sobs into her hands.
…
The question still rang in her ears on the way back to the pub; what do I do?
She had sat by the river for what had felt like an age after the phone call. Once she heaved what felt like all the liquid out of her body in tears she had regained her composure and sat watching the river as it moved from right to left around her.
The heron did not come back but she thought she had seen as kestrel overhead briefly before it had dived into the trees on the opposite bank of the river.
“That’s the end of a poor mouse,” she had thought, imaging the kestrel descending on the mouse, tracking it through the undergrowth before grabbing the poor creature in its beak as it tried to run away.
Was she like the mouse? Running and running but inevitably picked off by a bird of prey? Possibly.
She could never trust him again, she thought, not after cheating. Not after he had run off with another woman. But ten years in a relationship was such a long time to just give up on.
“Maybe I can change him?” Annie thought, naively.
The thoughts went around and around in her head, endlessly circling each other.
All of a sudden she could feel the cold creeping in, she had been so focused on her internal dilemma she hadn’t noticed the change in the air. It looked like it might rain.
Checking the time on her phone it was almost half past four - she needed to get back in time for Tadhg’s dinner.
“Oh Tadhg,” she said aloud, longingly, thinking of him cooking at home, waiting for her. But it was bittersweet now, Greg had spoiled it. How could she go home to Tadhg with the thoughts of Greg still swimming in her head.
Even if she didn’t go back to Greg, even if she decided to stay here, the thought of him was now renewed. Like an old wound had been ripped open again and would never be allowed to heal.
She picked up her handbag and the box with the apple turnovers and set off towards the pub. Towards Tadhg.