Ella

Present

I sit in the car with Bo’s arms wrapped around me, but I still feel cold and alone. I don’t know how to cope with what I’m feeling right now because the emptiness in my heart is too big a hole for him to fill. Even though I’m thankful Bo is here right now and supporting me, it doesn’t take away the fact that I feel so lost.

Everything I’ve done the past few days was for this moment. This entire journey was so I could see Cage again. But he isn’t here. Where do I look if I don’t know where to start? My hope is starting to wane.

I dab my eyes with his shirt and shake my head, signing, Sorry.

“It’s okay. Cry all you want,” Bo says, petting the back of my head.

I nod and smile, looking up at him. I don’t know what to do now. Where to go. Should we go home? Should we drive around the country to look for Cage? How far could he have gone?

I wish I knew, wish I had some sort of clue, but there’s nothing.

Nothing apart from the fact that the second vehicle that was apparently behind the compound, which I completely missed when I escaped, is gone. The police officers knew it was there because they found tire tracks. However, the farther they tracked them into the desert, the more they disappeared in the shifting sand. The wind caused the tracks to vanish, and now we have no lead. Nothing to go on.

I didn’t even get time to see if anything was left of him or my time in that cage. The moment the officers grabbed me, they brought me outside, refusing to even answer the most basic questions, like how Cage even managed to escape.

I don’t know what to do with myself now that he’s gone.

All I can do is sit here and think … think about what to do next.

“Wanna go home?” Bo asks after a while as I look up into his eyes.

I nod, but before I can respond by signing, I clutch my stomach. It suddenly hurts so badly, as if a sharp knife has been thrust into my belly and pokes around my insides.

“What’s wrong?” Bo asks, but I don’t even have the energy to talk right now; the pain is too intense.

What’s happening to me?

I never felt anything like this before.

“Ella …” Bo says, his voice stern and calm at the same time. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

I pull my hand away from my stomach and lift my shirt, but nothing is there.

Until I lower my eyes to my pants … and find the bloodstain.

My eyes widen.

“Fuck,” Bo hisses, gazing right at it. “You’re bleeding.”

Shit.

He’s right.

I’m bleeding.

Oh God, is it the baby?

I rub my stomach again and hold it tight as Bo turns in his seat and twists the key, starting the engine. “I’m taking you to the hospital,” he says.

I nod, but everything hurts, so I try to focus on my breathing. I have to relax, have to give my body time. I can’t lose this baby; I have to do everything I can to avoid that.

This baby is my only ... no, my last connection to Cage.

I clutch the dashboard as Bo drives off, rushing through the unkempt desert and crossing the wobbly terrain. The pain shoots up and down my body, and I tense up, trying to fight it, trying to fight for this baby.

But the longer it takes, the more blood I see pooling in my pants.

I’m beyond worried right now, but I can’t do anything but sit and wait, hoping this baby is still alive by the time we get to the hospital.

So I focus and put all my energy into surviving.

Because that’s all we can do in times like these … survive.

* * *

When we get to the hospital, Bo brings me inside, and two nurses immediately come to our aid with a wheelchair. They wheel me to a bed in the ER, and a doctor inspects my body and the blood. Before my pants are taken off, they ask Bo to leave the room.

I’m afraid, so afraid. I can’t stop grasping the railings of my bed and the sheets below me, trying to hold something, anything as they inspect me.

They probe me with tools. I don’t know what it is, but it feels horrible, and it makes me cry. It reminds me of what happened at the compound, but the second I think about it, I shut out the memories, forcing myself to think of a happier place. My garden, my house, the town. Anything.

Someone does an ultrasound of my baby. Another one inspects my pants and cleans up the bloody mess. I hear some words spoken, but they barely register. My whole body is shaking.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I hear the news.

Relief washes over me. I’m still pregnant.

The baby is still alive.

But it was a close call.

Just like that. With the snap of a finger, he or she could’ve been gone.

My body stressed out to the point it almost gave up. Stressed out … because of me. Because I focused so much on finding Cage and forgot to focus on my baby.

With a flat hand, I rub my belly and hum, hoping the baby can hear.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

I neglected myself, and I almost paid the ultimate price.

But the joy I feel knowing it’s still alive makes me sure of my choice. Sure of Cage.

I want him, and I want this baby. More than anything.

The nurse says everything is okay, but that I need to take it slow and get some rest. She asks me if I’m in pain and whether I want some pills. I shake my head and close my eyes, lying down on the bed. She nods and cleans everything up while I lie there clutching my shirt.

She says it happens a lot with stressed-out women. That it’s normal. That there was nothing I or anyone else could do.

As if that makes it all better.

I came so close to losing my baby. I’m terrified.

Terrified it’ll happen again.

That it’ll just fall out of me somehow. It’s ridiculous and totally ludicrous, but I still have this fear I can’t shake off. I have to be more careful.

The nurse hands me a wet towel to clean myself with while she grabs a bag to put my dirty clothes in. She brings back a new pair of pants that Bo probably got from my bag and places them on the chair. Then she puts a big paper towel over my lower body, covering it up. She wants me to take the time before I put on the fresh pair of pants. Give my body some time to recover.

She wipes off the blood from the bed and chucks everything away. The room is pristine clean again as if nothing happened. Then she leaves me alone.

I hug my body, hoping the baby can feel my love. The last sliver of Cage is living inside me and growing. I don’t want it to stop.

Shivering, I turn around on the bed and curl up into a ball, crying to myself from all the pent-up stress. I stay, unmoving. My body feels crushed by the weight of my heart.

A creaking noise makes my eyes fly open, but I don’t turn around. I can’t find the will.

Soft footsteps come my way. A warm embrace follows. Someone sat down on my bed and arms wrapped around me. Bo.

I don’t even care that he can see me, that a thin sheet of blue paper is all that covers my lower body, and that my face is red and tired.

I need him.

I need someone to hold me, someone to take this fear away. Someone who understands what I’m going through and won’t judge me.

I turn around, and he pulls me into his embrace. I hold Bo for the last shred of dignity I have left. I cry into his shirt. I cry and cry until my tears dry out. Until my heart has finally let go of the sadness and fear that strangled it for so long.

After crying my heart out, I look up into Bo’s eyes and sign, Thank you.

“The baby?” he mutters, looking concerned.

I smile softly and sign, Alive.

He closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. Then he pulls me in for another hug.

“You gave me quite the scare,” he says.

I nod.

I gave myself quite a scare too.

But now that it happened, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact I’m not alone. I have his baby, and I have Bo. He’s the most amazing friend I could ever wish for, and I know he’ll help me take care of this baby even if I never find Cage again.

But I won’t ever go back on my promise.

I will keep looking.

No matter how long it takes.

I’ll find him.