A night’s sleep did nothing to ease the pain. On my second pot of coffee and wondering how in the world I would make it through the day, I sat at the kitchen table and ran through my thoughts, hoping I’d made a mental mistake in asking Cash to leave.

Despite my burning desire to fix things, I couldn’t change the fact that Cash was a violent man. That violence exposed him to risks. Those risks meant me potentially losing him permanently, and that wasn’t a risk willing to take.

Ridding myself of him now would be far easier than having him taken from me without warning. I’d gone through it once with my parents, and I couldn’t handle it again.

Jennifer’s pounding at the door reminded me that it was no longer four am. Not necessarily wanting to hear her advice, but wanting someone to speak to, I walked to the door and unlocked it.

I pulled the door open. “I should give you a key.”

She nudged her way past me. “Not a good idea. I’d be over here eating Cheetos on the couch while you and Dolla Bill are fucking.”

“I don’t think either of us will have to worry about that,” I said.

Saying it drove another stake into my already aching heart. I turned toward the table and shuffled to my seat.

Halfway through fixing her cup of coffee, she spun around as if she had a revelation. “Are you wearing the same shit you left in?”

I sat down. “Last night?”

“Those are the same clothes, aren’t they?” She sipped her coffee. “The new outfit?”

“They are.”

She sat down across from me and scrunched her nose. “What’s wrong with you?”

I took a sip of my coffee and realized it was tepid. After pushing it aside, I answered her. “I slept on the couch.”

“Why?”

“I couldn’t make it to bed, I was sad.”

“I’d be sad, too.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry that guy said that stuff.”

“What guy?”

“I don’t know what their names are. The one who said that crap. The guy Dolla Bill busted up.”

Initially, I was shocked that she knew what happened. Then, I realized Tito probably told her everything.

“You know about it?” I asked.

“Well, the ambulance drove by my house,” she said. “Twice.”

“I forgot about that.”

“About what?”

“The ambulance.”

“Surprised Dolla Bill didn’t kill him,” she said.

She obviously knew more about the situation than I did. Curious as to what she knew, I stood and walked to the sink. After rinsing my cup, I poured another cup of coffee.

“Why do you say that?” I asked on the way back to the table.

She gave me a look of confusion.

“Why did you say you’re surprised Cash didn’t kill him?”

“Tito told me what happened. If he’d have said that shit to me, I probably would have killed him.” She glanced toward the bedroom and then looked at me. “Wait a minute. Where’s Dolla Bill?”

“He’s gone. I asked him to leave.” I raised my brows. “What did that guy say? I never heard.”

“Wait. You asked Dolla Bill to leave? When? Why?”

“Last night. After the fight.”

“Because of all the blood?”

“Because I’m tired of the violence. In the month I’ve known him, he’s broken Tito’s jaw, and then he beat that guy last night until his face was distorted. There was blood twenty feet away, on the fence. It wasn’t pretty.”

She shrugged. “He deserved every bit of it.”

“According to who?” I snapped back.

“According to me. And, to Dolla Bill, I guess.”

“Well, I didn’t hear what he said or did, or whatever. I don’t think it matters.”

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter. Dolla didn’t tell you anything?”

“No, he tried to, but I wouldn’t let him. I just asked him to leave.”

She sprung from her seat. “What? You didn’t…you didn’t ask him to leave, like ‘ask him to leave’, did you? You broke it off? Over what happened?”

“I uhhm.” The reality of it all sank in. I choked on my emotions, and quickly caught myself before I began to cry. “Yes. I broke it…I broke it off.”

“Before you found out what happened?”

“I saw what happened,” I said. “I was there, remember?”

“He called you the ‘N’ word, Kimberly. That’s why Dolla beat him up.”

I was flattered and frustrated at the same time, but I wasn’t relieved. I stood and turned toward the window. “If I beat someone up every time I was called that, there’d be a line of bodies from here to San Clemente. When I was a kid, I was called that every day. When my parents were alive, my black father was a constant reminder to the kids at school that I wasn’t Puerto Rican. I’m glad he stood up for me, but I’m not pleased about how he did it.”

“Are you going to call him?” she asked.

I turned around. “No.”

“What?” She gasped. “Why not?”

“I’m afraid I can’t do this. It’s not worth it. With his temper, one of these days it’s going to be him in that ambulance, and I can’t fathom that.”

She put her hands on her hips and gave me a look. “You can’t imagine losing him?”

“Having him taken from me.”

“But you’re okay with asking him to leave? That’s okay?”

It wasn’t okay. It hurt. My chest was on fire, my legs were shaking, and my mouth was dry. I looked like a raccoon, felt like death, and wondered if I’d ever sleep again without waking up yearning to feel his body next to mine.

“It’s not okay,” I said. “But it’s how it has to be.”

“You need to get some sleep. You’re delirious. Good thing that douche wasn’t over here, because if he’d have said that shit in front of me, you’d be asking me to leave.”

“With you, it’d be a one-time thing. With him, it’s standard procedure.”

“How do you know that?” she asked. “You’ve known him for a month.”

“In a month, this has happened twice. Tito has his jaw wired shut to prove it. If I was just ‘fucking’ him, it’d be one thing. But I’m not. It’s more than that. I’m falling in love with him.”

I cleared my throat, and then began to cry. “I was falling in love with him.”