Margo leaned back in the pillows feeling as miserable as she had all week. She still wasn’t over her break up with Gunner. Even thinking about him sent an ache through her that burned like fire inside her heart. She wondered what Gunner was doing. Was he as miserable as she was? Or had he moved on? Margo knew he hadn’t moved on because despite her pushing him away and him getting mad that night, he loved her. She knew it in her very soul. It had been in his eyes every time he’d looked at her. It was why she’d known she had to push him away.

“Come on, Margo. When are you going to tell me what happened with Gunner? You were on cloud nine and the next thing I know you're showing up here in tears looking broken and you haven’t been out of bed since. Did he do something?” Zoey asked, watching her from the doorway where she stood with a cup of coffee in her hand, her long brown hair braided, and still wearing her pajamas. Zoey was a transcriptionist and she worked from home.

“No, he didn’t do anything,” Margo muttered, rolling over to face the wall away from her.

“Margo, just tell me what happened.”

“He wants kids, okay?” Margo spat out, her heart hurting and more tears stinging her eyes as she buried her face into the pillow.

“Oh damn, Margo—wait you told him you couldn’t have kids and his reaction was? Was he an asshole? Is that what happened to send you here in tears?” Zoey asked as she came around the bed to kneel beside her, rubbing her back in sympathy.

“I didn’t tell him. I just couldn’t—,” Margo started, but Zoey interrupted her.

“Wait, you didn’t tell him? I’m confused. Did he tell you he wanted kids and you just broke up with him without telling him why, is that what happened?” Zoey had stopped rubbing her back and Margo peeked at her. Zoey was frowning darkly.

“He was talking to his mother about not having kids right now. He said we weren’t going to have them for a while, so it would be just us till we were ready to have kids. It was obvious he wanted them and I didn’t want to take that fro—,” Margo stopped when Zoey sliced her hand through the air, her voice harsh as she spoke.

“Stop talking. You’re telling me that you didn’t even talk about whether he was just placating his mother, or if he really wanted kids, and you broke up with him? Have you lost your damned mind, Margo? What the hell?” Zoey demanded, her anger evident in the glare she sent Margo’s way. Margo sat up, her own anger sparking.

“What was I supposed to do, Zoey? Let him tell me he wanted five kids and then watch his disgust and anger when I told him I couldn’t ever give him that? I couldn’t do it!” she screamed, unable to contain her rage at the painful thought of seeing a disappointed look on Gunner’s face, if she would have told him.

“Oh, my God, Margo do you hear yourself? How can you sit here and think you are the only one hurt by this? Margo, this is your insecurities talking. He might not even want kids! Do you know how many times I’ve told my mother something just to shut her up? How many times have you done the same with your mother? You didn’t even have the conversation because you were too afraid? That’s just stupid, get your head out of your ass!”

Margo stared at her formerly sympathetic best friend with a frown as she really thought about what Zoey had just said. Was it her insecurities that had pushed her to break up with Gunner? She’d thought she was doing the right thing, but as Zoey’s words sank in, she wasn’t so sure she had. She hadn’t given him a chance to tell her if he wanted kids and she had just assumed that he would react badly to finding out she couldn’t have them. Gunner loved her, she knew that in her very soul, but was her fear of losing that love what had pushed her to pull away from him? Because she suddenly realized that’s why she’d feared telling him that she couldn’t ever have kids because of the miscarriage.

“Oh hell, I really fucked up, didn’t I?” Margo suddenly said looking at Zoey.

“Pretty much, sister. If shit went down the way you described, then yeah, I’d say you royally fucked up. Now get your ass up and go fix this shit,” Zoey said, as she grabbed her coffee that she’d set on the nightstand. Heading towards the door, she turned back to look at Margo and paused just before leaving the room, “I’d shower before you go over there to beg for forgiveness though, because you stink.” Zoey was standing just outside the door when she poked her head back in and added. “And try not to be an idiot.”

Margo tossed her pillow at her bestie, rolling her eyes when it hit the wall and harmlessly fell to the floor. She headed into the bathroom hoping like hell her man would forgive her for being an idiot and that he wouldn’t crush her heart when she shared her pain with him.

 

 

“Maybe I wouldn’t be such an asshole if you weren’t such a mother fucking idiot,” Gunner spat at Joker trying not to wring the little shit’s neck.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Joker asked, “You’ve been acting like a dick ever since that chick left you, we’re all tired of dealing with it.” Gunner didn’t bother to respond, he just waved a hand at the fucking moron unable to deal with the stupid fucker and his constant need for pussy anymore tonight.

“Why don’t you go fuck something so you’ll leave me the hell alone, dill hole,” Gunner grunted, shoving Joker away from him as he reached around him to grab the vodka off the end table where he’d set it.

“What is wrong with you?” Dice asked. “You’ve been drunk more than you’ve been sober, not to mention that trip to hell you had a few days ago,” with a slight frown on his face as he watched him.

Fuck, why wouldn’t these fuckers let him drown his pain in a bottle and move the fuck on? It was none of their business what he was dealing with. They didn’t need to know he was drowning his sorrows over a woman he couldn’t have because she was too damned proud to love him. He understood why Margo couldn’t allow herself to be truly happy.

Her mother.

She was the one who told Margo all her life she wasn’t good enough, that if she’d just change and be someone else she’d love her. It was bullshit, you either loved your kid or you didn’t. Helen Dexter was just a bitch who couldn’t see the value of the person her daughter was and she’d somehow convinced Margo that she was unlovable. That was why she’d pushed him away every time he got too close. It was why Margo told him to get out and it was the reason he wouldn’t chase her.

He’d meant what he said to her that night. He wasn’t going to keep begging to be a part of her life. Either she loved him or she didn’t. It was that simple, he knew that in his bones. It still sucked, and since he’d walked out on her over a week ago, she hadn’t even bothered to try and fix their relationship. It left him pissed and a little broken inside, because she obviously didn’t need him like he needed her. That was why he was downing vodka like it was nectar from the gods, so he could forget the pain of her not being a part of his life anymore.

“It’s that chick,” Topper said shaking his head. “Dude, no woman’s worth this.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Damn, if she messed with your head that bad, fuck that bitch—,” Joker’s words were cut off by Gunner's fist planting in his face. Joker slammed back into the wall with a loud bang that echoed through the room.

“Don’t you dare fucking talk about her that way,” Gunner roared.

His hands were still fisted as he stared down at his brother who’d landed on the floor. Joker’s lip was bleeding and he was wiggling his jaw likely trying to put it back in place because he’d knocked the fuck out of the little bastard. Nobody talked about Margo that way. It just wasn’t going to happen, even if he never saw her again because he loved her. Fuck, he should have figured that out when he’d handed her his patch, but somehow this was the moment he realized that the reason he was spiraling out of control was because he loved her. He turned, slamming his fist into the wall repeatedly, resisting the urge to stop when pain blasted through his arm from the impact. He just needed to beat the fuck out of something right then because he couldn’t stand the thought of never touching Margo again.

“Fuck dude, chill. Joker didn’t mean it. He was just trying to make you feel better about your break-up. Topper’s right. No woman is worth you losing yourself. What happened anyway? When you were at the bonfire about a month and a half ago the two of you seemed fine,” Buck snarled as he and Topper jerked him away from the wall he’d been pulverizing and slammed him down on the couch. Literally, holding him there when he attempted to get up and pound the wall again. They grappled until Buck finally sat on him holding him down. Gunner couldn’t help the grunt that escaped him as the heavy bastard glared at him over his shoulder.

“Get off me, fucker!”

“I will when you calm the fuck down. You need to stop this ‘I’ve gone bat-shit-crazy bit’ or I’m getting on Joker’s boat because if Margo has you this fucked up, I’m not sorry to see her go,” Buck threatened, making his hand itch to wrap around the man’s neck. Not that he was likely to win that battle but he’d certainly fucking try.

“It’s fine, just get off me, I’m good.” He clipped the words out still wanting to fight but he could wait until he was in the gym with a bag.

“You’re nowhere near good, brother, but if you can control your anger I’ll let you up.”

“I said I can, now move fucker.”

Gunner let out a relieved rumble when Buck’s heavy ass stood up letting him breathe for the first time in five minutes. Buck didn’t move away right away he watched him for a moment likely expecting him to hop up and start pounding the wall again, but when he didn’t Buck sat back down in the chair across from him scrutinizing him carefully. Gunner glared back, his hands clenched on the arm of the couch beside him.

“I thought you had all this bullshit worked out with her after you told her about being in the club months ago,” Buck muttered, looking thoughtful.

“That was worked out. I don’t know what the fuck happened okay! One minute we were at my mom’s eating dinner and happy—and the next she was like, it’s over. Somehow, I fucked up but she wouldn’t tell me what the fuck I did. I asked but she wouldn’t tell me and I refuse to grovel. There, you happy? I have no damned clue why she’d just throw our relationship away like she did. I just don’t get it.” Gunner couldn’t help the tortured sound of the words escaping his mouth as he revealed the truth of why it hurt so damned bad to lose her like this. He didn’t even have a reason just a suspicion that it was somehow related to her mother’s bitchy nature.

“Sounds like she is just wishy-washy to me.” Joker boldly stated, jumping behind Topper when Gunner snarled. That little fucker needed to keep his mouth shut or he was going to end up murdering him.

“Stop, it’s not his fault that what he said is true. If she didn’t give you a reason, then what the hell are you so worked up about? Just go over there and sit in her house till she does. Fuck, you’re a damned biker, act like it. If I had a woman, I would just ignore whatever she said that didn’t make sense. It’s the only way to win sometimes.”

Gunner didn’t know why that really stupid idea sounded good to him. Oh wait, he did because he loved her. No, he wouldn’t muscle his way into her life. She needed to want him as much as he wanted her, or this couldn’t work between them. He knew that relationships had to be built on a solid foundation to work long term. He gazed down at his bloody knuckles wondering idly if they were all busted or if just one of them was. Choke came lumbering into the room his hand wrapped around a beer bottle.

“Hey, your old lady’s outside asking for you, she looks a little raggedy too, kinda like you do.” Choke causally threw out and Gunner shook his head trying to clear it. It couldn’t be his old lady Choke was talking about, could it? But none of these other fuckers had old ladies, so it must be.

“Margo’s here?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“Yep,” Choke said sitting down on the couch. “Want me to get rid of her?”

“No,” Gunner practically roared jumping to his feet as he rushed towards the door.

“Dude, you should shower, you smell like a wino who’s been outside for weeks. Nobody wants to smell that man,” Joker yelled after him and if he wasn’t so frightened that Margo would leave before he got a chance to talk to her he would have gone back in there and beat the hell out of him.

 

 

Margo waited, wringing her hands as she stood on the porch with Bunny, who’d agreed to wait with her while the club’s president, Choke headed inside to get Gunner. She hoped he wouldn’t refuse to see her because she was a dumbass. What would she do if he did?

“You haven’t been staying at your home lately, have you?” Bunny suddenly asked.

“Um, no I haven’t, but how did you know that?” Margo asked, feeling like she was going to crawl out of her skin any second.

“You haven’t been there when I bring your food. There’s like ten meals in your fridge and I was concerned you might not be eating.” Bunny’s words surprised her because she hadn’t expected him to keep doing that.

“I —does Gunner—,” Margo started but Bunny interrupted.

“Yeah, he knew. You should realize that for men like us, once you’re a part of the club you’re always a part of it. Even if things don’t work out, you will always be ours. It’s the way our world works. If you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask and we will help you, Margo. Especially Gunner.” Margo stared at him in shock because that sort of offer was amazing to her after the treatment she’d gotten from her own mother all her life.

“Thank you,” Margo whispered as they both turned towards the door where Gunner stood looking at her, his eyes dark and his gaze traveling over her from her head to her toes, as if drinking her in. She stared back just as captivated by him. She noted his bloodshot eyes and his unkempt appearance with worry. She’d done this to him and she didn’t even know if she’d done it for him like she’d thought or because she was afraid.

“Nothing to thank me for,” Bunny said quietly as he walked into the clubhouse leaving her and Gunner staring at each other.

“Can we talk?” Margo asked softly, hoping he wouldn’t reject her, not that she wouldn’t deserve that after pushing him away.

“Yeah,” Gunner said, stepping out on the porch indicating that she should proceed him to a rocking bench.

Margo sat down, even as her fears tried to get the best of her, demanding that she run away. She stared out at the fence surrounding their property. She wasn’t sure what to say or how to start talking about this. She was gripping the bench hard when she felt his hand tug at hers. She allowed him to pry her hand off the bench and he wrapped his around hers offering comfort. Margo glanced down seeing that his knuckles were broken and bloody.

“What happened?” she asked concerned.

“Punched a wall, it’s fine.”

“Another thing that’s my fault I suppose,” Margo said ruefully.

“No, it’s mine. What do we need to talk about, babe?” he asked, his thumb rubbing across her hand. “It’s okay. I don’t bite.”

Margo couldn’t help the little laugh that bubbled up inside her then. “Yeah, that’s so not true. You bite me all the time.” He didn’t really bite her so much as tease her with his teeth or roll her clit and nipple between them gently. Those thoughts made her body soften and her breath catch a little.

“True,” he said grinning wickedly.

“I don’t know how to say what I need to say. It’s hard for me Gunner, really hard.” Margo felt her heart clench and she wanted to be brave but she didn’t know how.

“It’s okay, babe. We can just sit here.” He began rocking the bench back and forth with them sitting there holding hands and staring out into the night. Margo couldn’t believe he wasn’t angry or being mean to her, but here he was sitting here just waiting for her like he had a lifetime to wait to hear what she needed to say. That, more than anything, gave her the courage to speak.

“When I was seventeen, I left home to go to college. You know how my mother is with me. Very judgmental and hateful really,” Margo said pausing. She took a deep breath. “I decided before I left, that I would never be who she wanted, even if I followed all her rules. So, I wanted to explore what the world was about. I wanted to know what I’d missed following her rules and who I was without all her criticism.”

“That’s reasonable,” he said when she didn’t say anything more while they rocked for several minutes.

“It was, I’d been on a mission of discovery for two years when I met Ben and he seemed like the perfect guy. He was funny and he treated me like a queen at first.” Margo felt Gunner’s hand tighten on hers. It was the only response he made to her words and she knew he was likely waiting on a tragic story about some guy who’d broken her heart, but that wasn’t where this was going. “I was nineteen when I found out I was pregnant,” Margo stated flatly, her voice barely above a whisper.

“You have a child?” Gunner asked, a little confused.

“No,” Margo said, her voice cracking. “I lost it.”

“Damn, babe. I’m so sorry.”

“That was the worst night of my life and it took something from me that I can’t ever get back. Something that makes me feel like I’m not good enough for you, Gunner.” Margo rushed to get it out, trying hard not to cry while she blinked and struggled to finish explaining.

“Babe, nothing you lost could ever make you not good enough for me. I’m the one who will never be good enough for you, but if you’re willing to be with me then I am not going to be an idiot and let you go.” Gunner had pulled her against his side, his arm going around her when she’d told him about losing her baby and he still held her, but he didn’t know everything yet, not the most important thing she had yet to tell him. She let him hold her for a long while before she spoke again. Her soul felt like shattered glass as she said the words she’d never wanted to say to anyone ever again.

“I can’t have children,” She stated tersely without any fanfare or sugar coating, waiting for him to say something, anything, about her revelation. She wasn’t expecting him to start laughing or that he would be laughing so hard he shook the rocker.

“What’s funny about that?” she demanded, pushing away from him seeing that he was laughing so hard that tears were in his eyes making anger roar up inside her. This was his response to something so devastating for her? Laughter.

“I-I’m sorry, but it’s perfect. Yo—you’re perfect, Margo.” Gunner said between laughs and Margo thought he might have lost it because this was not the expected response from him. Obviously, he didn’t understand that she was serious and that she really couldn’t have kids. She couldn’t offer him that and he deserved it. She stared at him as he laughed some more before he finally said, “I don’t want kids, even had a vasectomy years ago. I was dreading telling you that because I was afraid you’d want me to reverse it and I wouldn’t have done it because I don’t want kids, at least not my own kids. Adoption of a kid that needs a family maybe, but not kids I brought into this world. My life is too unstable and dangerous for them. Hell, it’s really too dangerous and unstable for you, but I’m selfish and I’m keeping you,” Gunner finally clarified, shocking her.

“You don’t want kids,” Margo repeated, letting that sink in because Zoey’s words were ringing in her ears. She’d said something to the effect of, she didn’t even know if he wanted kids and she’d been right. Damn, she was an idiot. She’d broken up with him thinking he wouldn’t want her if she couldn’t have children, and he didn’t even want them at all.

“Nope, I don’t. Maybe after five or six years, we might take in a child who needs us, but I haven’t ever wanted to have my own and still don’t. We are a pair, aren’t we?” Gunner asked shaking his head. “If I’d just told you that before you wouldn’t have run and this wouldn’t have happened at all.”

“I can’t believe you’re laughing about this still. You know it tore me to shreds when it happened and just now telling you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.” Margo complained, even though she could see the humor in the situation.

“Shit,” Gunner said sobering. “You’re right, that’s not funny at all and I hate that you had to go through that, Margo. I hate it but it does work out in a way. Not being able to bring kids into the world doesn’t make you any less than you were before you lost that ability. You were always perfect just the way you are, Margo. Your mother is just unhappy and she can’t stand that you don’t care what she thinks.”

“I know that in my heart, but sometimes she just gets in my head and messes me up you know,” Margo said feeling like a moron but being in Gunner’s arms helped.   

“I get that but you’re perfect and I love you, Margo.”

“I love you too,” she whispered, feeling his love surrounding her with joy and acceptance.

“Are we good now? No other lingering secrets that can tear us apart, because I have to say this being apart shit sucks,” Gunner muttered into her hair his arms tightly wrapped around her as she pressed her face into his chest.

“Well, there is just one.” She said, feeling him stiffen as she smiled into his shirt.

“What’s that?” he asked, as she pulled back from him and grinned.

“You smell awful and need to change your clothes.”

She couldn’t help the happiness that filled her heart as she watched him throw his head back and laugh as he chucked her under the chin with his fist gently.

“I’ve heard that before, but if I’m showering your coming with me, babe.” He stood and lifted her, tossing her over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry as he walked into the club house with her hanging upside down in his arms screeching in protest.

“I see you finally got smart and just decided to ignore her complaints,” Buck called out to them as Gunner carried her towards his room.

“Yep,” he said swatting her ass and continued up the stairs and into his bathroom.