Chapter 36
A Mother’s Confession
“I’m hungry,” Celia’s mother said as she looked up from the evening paper. “Would you like me to find something for us to eat?”
“I don’t know if you can. Martin and I never ate here. We either went out or had something delivered.”
“I’ll bet if I look I’ll find something.”
“You can look and if you don’t find anything, we can get Roger to pick up some things while he’s out. He said he would check in before he came home.”
“I’ll look around. I’m sure Martin wouldn’t mind or he would have never invited you to stay.”
“I’m still not sure why he did. I can only guess he had a guilty conscience.”
“Regardless,” her mother said, “I’m grateful.”
“I know. I’m still pouting.”
Her mother laughed. “I can understand. I’ll check the ‘best-by-date’ on anything I find. You don’t need any more problems.”
“No, I don’t, but I wasn’t kidding. I could count the times we ate here on one hand.”
“That, my dear, was a lot of wasted money. I understand some of the changes you’ve made, and I don’t mean to knock you when you’re down, but I didn’t raise you to waste money.”
Celia didn’t answer as her mother walked out of the room. She knew her mother was right. Eating at home was cheaper. She leaned back and mentally looked over her relationship with Martin. She knew deep down, as he had said, she didn’t love him. But still, she had planned on making a life with him.
It could have been a nice life - an enjoyable life - but they didn’t love each other. Early in the relationship, there had been an attraction, but it had faded. Their sex life, when they even bothered, had turned into something they did because they were lonely or bored. Was she better off? Would she have regretted marrying Martin?
She sat thinking and mulling over how she had changed since she’d left home. It had been a slow change, and her mother was right, she’d been very wasteful.
When she had lived at home, she’d watched her mother working hard to take care of her dad and the family. She had told herself she was not going to live like that. She wouldn’t wear her body down cooking and cleaning for a man who didn’t appreciate anything she did.
“Here we go,” her mother said, coming into the room carrying a tray. “There’s food in the cabinets and I could cook something later with the addition of some eggs, hamburger and milk.”
“You don’t have to cook. You’ve done enough cooking for a lifetime,” Celia said, moving and wincing as she looked over the tray. “Is that tuna salad?”
“Chicken salad. There were several cans and they had good dates. We’ll also need to get some bread. There was only half a loaf in the cabinet. And, as far as cooking, I don’t mind. It’s a part of what mothers do.”
“Maybe that’s why I don’t want to be a mother.” The words were out before she knew it and she could see the hurt in her mother’s eyes. “I’m sorry. My emotions are all over the place, but I’ve watched you cook and clean for years. Dad never appreciated your efforts and I know we kids didn’t. I’m sorry for that. You worked hard and it’s time for you to relax.”
Her mother moved to sit by her side and was lost in thought for a moment. Celia was sure she was about to get a lecture. She respected her mother and would take whatever she wanted to dish out. Celia took a sip of her soda and turned when her mother reached over and rested her hand on her arm.
“I can see I’ve done you a great disservice. If you think that cleaning house and cooking for your family is a chore or a labor that is in vain, then I’ve done something wrong.”
She moved her hand and reached to pick up her sandwich. She started to take a bite, but then met Celia’s gaze. “I didn’t always enjoy being a wife, and I’ll be honest, it’s because your dad was not the love of my life. He was not the man that I should have married, but I never wanted that to show. I never wanted to give you the idea that I didn’t enjoy being your mother.”
Celia was in shock and she wanted to cry. “Then why did you marry Dad? What happened?”
“Life happened. Your dad was good to me. He’s been a good provider. There were a lot of times he was irritable and cruel in what he said, but in his defense, he knew I didn’t love him like he loved me.”
“This is a lot to take in,” Celia said.
“I know, and I’m sorry, but I think it’s time that we talk about this. I don’t want you living your life hating or dreading being a wife or a mother because of something I did. I enjoyed cooking and cleaning for my children. And, most of the time, I didn’t mind caring for your dad. I never loved him like I should have and I’ve tried to do better over the last few years.”
“You mean all these years you didn’t love Dad?”
“I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. There is a difference and he could sense it early on. I’ve thought about leaving him, but I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t mean for that to sound dreadful or be distressing, it’s just the truth.”
“You could come and stay with me.” Celia laughed. “At least you can when I get on my feet again.”
“I know, and that’s sweet, but I want to make this work. I want to love him as I should. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do that, but I’m trying.”
“If you knew all of this, then why were you trying to get me to hold on to Martin?”
Her mother raised her eyes quickly and tilted her head. “I assumed you loved him. I didn’t want to see you lose him, if he was your true love. I know what that’s like, and I would never wish that on anyone.”
Celia nodded and shrugged.
“Do you? Love him?” her mother asked.
“I thought I did. Now, I’m not sure. I do know that I don’t want to have children with him. I don’t want to cook and clean for him. I didn’t even want to do things that would make him happy. To be honest, at times, I was spiteful. He would ask me to do things or go places and I wouldn’t because I felt like he really didn’t want me to – like he was just asking because he felt he should.”
“Then what I hear is, ‘no’.”
Celia nodded that her mother was right. Once again her mother reached out, but this time, took her by the hand.
“This may sound harsh, but someday I think you’ll be grateful that Randi came along when she did. You don’t want to follow in my footsteps. You do not want to settle for someone who will just ‘take care’ of you. And if something I did when you were growing up led you to this point in your life, I’d like to say I am so sorry.”
“I don’t know what brought me here. I just know I want things to change.”
“They can.” Her mother squeezed her hand. “Don’t give up on love. Don’t give up on being swept off your feet. You may never want children, and I’m fine with that, but you should enjoy being with the man you love. You should want to be by his side to help him, please him, and in general, grow old with him.”