Nick

Not much has changed since I got myself domesticated.

There’s the kitten.

Sharing a house with Kami, three dogs, and a cow, who’s only allowed inside on special occasions, and less and less often as she gets bigger and bigger.

There’s Sunday afternoon yard duty, which Kami keeps threatening to take away from me, because she doesn’t trust what I’m doing with all the bags of dog shit that I keep gathering.

Oh, and the walks around the neighborhood.

I’m one of those guys who takes walks with his dogs and cow and significant other now.

I’ve also gotten really good at giving baths.

To everything in the house with a pulse, because apparently I still have a lot to learn about dog- and cat-proofing a home.

But I’ve pretty much nailed being a good boyfriend.

Or so Kami told me while I was giving her a bath last night.

She needed it.

Not because she stank, but because she was on her feet all day baking brownies and pies and sweet potato casseroles, prepping mashed potatoes and homemade bread and some kind of fancy herb butter rub for the prime rib.

Plus, it’s officially Christmas as soon as the sun sets on Christmas Eve—at least, in my family—and I figured a Christmas orgasm in the bathtub was the best way to help get her in the mood for the holiday.

Especially since our house is being overrun with guests for Christmas dinner.

And for the record—I was in the kitchen with her the whole time.

We’ve been binge-watching Food Network to learn how to cook together. And I’m only a mild hindrance now, much improved from a major hindrance when we first started.

Her parents, brother, and sister arrive first, and I take them all on the grand tour of the first two levels of the house while Kami shoos us all out of the kitchen. Then my parents arrive, who had the tour three times while I was in the process of buying the house, so they don’t need the tour again.

Then Felicity and Ares and Zeus and Joey, along with Mr. and Mrs. Berger, their daughter, Ambrosia, her husband, and his mother.

Lavoie and Jaeger join us too.

So do Muffy and Aunt Spanky-Span—I mean, Aunt Hilda.

Because if we’re going to host Christmas, we’re apparently going to do it big.

Kami shoots me a look over the rolls she’s buttering, fresh out of the oven, like she knows what I was calling her aunt in my mind.

She probably does.

I don’t get away with a lot.

But I do get away with grinning at her and stealing a kiss on my way through the kitchen.

“Are you the doofus responsible for the dick glitter?” the Berger twins’ sister asks me while I carry a massive bowl of mashed potatoes into the dining room, which is surprisingly too small for our first big family gathering.

It’s not often I underestimate what I need. I clearly wasn’t thinking about extended family when I decided this house was big enough.

“It was Kami’s idea,” I say, because once anyone meets Kami, she charms the hell out of them, and then the odds that I’ll be in trouble with this woman for one-upping her with better glitter bombs will go down.

“Completely my idea,” Kami calls from the kitchen. “I was pissed he didn’t do it sooner.”

I fucking love that woman.

“We need to talk later,” Ambrosia tells her.

Our guests fill both the dining room and the living room in the old mansion. I go through the food line first, fill a plate to overflowing, and balance both the plate and Kami as I drag her out of the kitchen and make her sit and eat. “You’re working too hard,” I tell her.

She smiles and shakes her head at me. “I’m not working any harder than you, and I’m having fun.”

“Eat.”

She gives me a secret smile and obediently takes her fork.

Everyone moans over how delicious the food is, and not just because I emailed them all beforehand and warned them they’d find dead fish heads in their underwear drawers if they didn’t, but because Kami can fucking cook.

She says anyone could do it after the number of hours we’ve put into watching cooking shows this last month, but I think she has hidden talents she’s been denying.

And I definitely haven’t mastered cooking yet.

We both keep poker faces through the meal despite the glances everyone keeps sending at Kami’s bare left hand. I know what they’re all thinking.

We got serious really fast.

Kami swore to her family just over a year ago that she was going to marry me this Christmas.

They want to know if I’m making an honest woman of her.

So, after pie, I ask everyone to help us feed Sugarbear her special Christmas oats, then I pull all the dining room chairs into the living room.

“For Christmas carols,” I add. “I got Kami this sweet karaoke machine for Christmas.”

“Oh, fuck yeah,” Ambrosia says. “Chase, go get the boy band CDs out of the car.”

But Zeus and Ares are already racing out the front door.

Kami’s brother and dad try to sneak off, but I call them both out and tell them they have to sing “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” to start us off.

Felicity almost falls out of her chair, because asking for that song to be sung is like asking to be haunted special by our Gammy for the rest of eternity.

Even Dad shifts uncomfortably, because I’m pretty sure he believes in his mother’s ghost too.

But the twins come back, Kami’s dad and brother start to make their way to the front of the room, and that’s when Kami makes her move.

“No,” she says to them.

Her brother sighs in obvious relief, but her dad looks puzzled. “No?”

“I hate that song. And I’m the bride, so no.”

“That’s our cue, bro,” Zeus says to Ares as gasps go through the living room.

Ares pulls two rings out of his pocket. Zeus pulls a folded paper with a script on it out of his.

And while they step around everyone seated in the living room, I slide our marriage license out from between Kami’s copies of Pride and Prejudice and The Princess Bride on the built-in bookshelves around the fireplace.

“Ohmygod,” her mom whispers.

Mine bursts into tears.

“Are those the happy tears?” I ask her.

She nods as she sobs into a hanky that Mr. Berger produces for her.

“I set them up,” Aunt Hilda tells Jaeger. She slides a hand onto his thigh, and Muffy smacks her hand.

“Mother,” she hisses.

Kami sucks her cheeks in and smiles as she twines her fingers into mine. Her face is wavering on the pale side, and her eyes are tired, but there’s no mistaking that smile, and I’m the luckiest dipshit to ever walk the earth to get the opportunity to put that smile there every day.

“We’ll get to karaoke,” she says to her brother, “but first, we’re gonna get hitched.”

Dixie and Tiger chase Jennifur Purrphy into the room, with Pancake on their heels.

I snag the cat.

Kami gets Tiger.

Her mom leaps on Pancake, and Dixie, realizing she’s lost all of her playmates, slides to a stop at my feet and goes belly-up, tongue and tail panting and wagging.

“But…don’t you need a minister? Or a justice of the peace?” Muffy asks.

“Got it covered,” Zeus says with a smirk. “We’re both internet official.”

“They married each other last summer,” I tell her.

Jaeger and Lavoie snort into their after-dinner beers.

My sister and Joey both roll their eyes, even though they were there. Zeus married Ares and Felicity, and Ares married Zeus and Joey.

All four of them are married.

Zeus clears his throat as he turns to face our guests. “Yo, motherfuckers, we’re here to make an honest man out of this clown,” he announces.

Kami snort-giggles, but she also elbows him because he said clown.

Mrs. Berger—the matriarchal Mrs. Berger, not my sister or Joey—sighs.

Ares gives Zeus a head slap.

Zeus just grins, and then he starts the short ceremony for real.

Just as we finish our vows, Kami goes from pale to green. “Uh-oh,” she whispers.

“Oh, fuck,” I whisper back.

Dixie leaps to her feet and whimpers. Pancake charges from where Dr. Oakley has loosened her grip. Tiger howls.

Ares shoves the rings at us. “Do it,” he says, because man, this guy has been there.

Kami whimpers.

“Later,” I tell Ares, pocketing the rings. “Treats,” I tell the dogs, who all dash for the kitchen. Jennifur dashes after them, and Ares, thank fuck, just knows to go get the dogs treats so they’re not being teased.

“Wha—oh my god,” Dr. Oakley gasps. “Are you—is that—did he—”

“Surprise,” Kami says weakly to her mom.

And that’s all I let her get out before I dash her to the bathroom.

She’s actually laughing while she’s tossing her cookies. “Your poor mother,” she says, which is hilariously, completely Kami.

Feeling sorry for my mother while she’s losing her Christmas dinner.

“Felicity at her wedding…me at ours…”

The sounds of my mother’s sobs are carrying over the karaoke music that the Bergers apparently set up.

Or maybe that’s Kami’s mom.

Or both of them.

And I’m almost positive it’s happy sobs.

“Trust me,” I say, rubbing her back, “she’d rather have the grandkids than picture perfect weddings for her own kids. Feeling better?”

She slumps back against me and sighs. “I think I need more pumpkin pie.”

“You’re my pumpkin pie.” I reach into my pocket and pull out our wedding rings. Because she’s Kami, she asked for a simple platinum band.

And because I like to spoil her, I had it intertwined with a band of diamond chips. “May I, Mrs. Murphy?” I murmur, tilting it in front of us to watch the diamonds catch the light.

She wiggles her fingers. “Yes, please.”

“I’m going to love you for all eternity,” I whisper as I slip her ring onto her finger. I gently touch her belly, and add, “And you too.”

Kami takes my ring from me and slides it over my knuckles. “I love you to infinity and back,” she tells me, leaning back to press a soft kiss to my cheek.

Out in our living room, someone’s starting a Bro Code song.

Probably Ares.

He loves that boy band music.

And we should probably get back to our guests.

But I don’t want to.

Not when I can sit here, with my wife, holding her and doing my damnedest to make her early pregnancy as comfortable as it can be.

There’s a knock at the door though. “Nick? Kami?” Felicity whispers. “I have ginger mints, and I think Zeus brought a stink bomb. Give me four minutes, and we can sneak you upstairs before he sets it off and gets rid of your guests.”

Kami laughs softly. “We are going to have the most interesting life,” she says happily.

I rise and pull her to her feet, watching her carefully for signs of more trouble. But for the moment, she seems okay.

Still, no reason to take any chances, so I sweep my beautiful wife up into my arms. “Ah, gorgeous, we already do.”

Thanks for reading! Want some bonus epilogues, including a glimpse at what Kami does for Nick’s birthday, a sneak peek at the birth of Baby Murphy, and more Berger hijinks? Click to register for the Pipster Report, and I’ll send you three! If you’re already a subscriber, check your last issue - the link is always at the bottom of every email from me!

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Pippa