LOGAN

The week comes and goes and after my shift on Friday, I call it an early night.

Only a few hours pass before I wake up, gasping for air. My heart is pounding hard in my chest, and I can’t seem to calm down or catch my breath. Trying a method I was taught years ago, I sit on the edge of my bed and count to ten. I feel my clothes sticking to my skin when I realize I’m soaked with sweat.

As I rub my hands across my face, I can still hear the screams and gunshots in my head, which makes my ears feel like they’re ringing. The scenario in these nightmares may change, but the ending is always the same that causes me to wake in a panic. They come and go, but since it had been a while, I stupidly thought the nightmares were gone for good.

I glance down at the time on my phone and notice it’s four in the morning. Although I’m exhausted, there’s no way I’ll be able to fall back asleep. Instead, I decide to take a lukewarm shower, get dressed, and drive down to the Eat & Drink Diner near the station.

As soon as I walk in, I’m greeted by the night crew who know me by name. Over the years, I’ve become a regular.

“Logan, sweetheart,” Mary says setting a steaming hot cup of coffee down in front of me. “It’s been awhile. Was wondering if you were ever coming back. You know I worry about my boys.”

I give her a smile. It has been awhile since I’ve stopped by, especially since I’ve moved to a more regular schedule at work. Mary’s in her mid-forties and saw the world when she was in the army. She’s always been a good listener and understands me on a different level because of her military background. Not many people in my life know what it’s like to risk their life for our country and to fight for their life every day overseas. Many people don’t know how close I was to losing everything.

Mary looks around before she speaks. It’s a regular hangout for the department, but tonight the place is almost empty.

“The military nightmares again?” She scoots in the booth in front of me as I take a sip of coffee.

I nod and let out a deep breath. “I thought they were gone for good.”

She stares at me for a moment, and I know she’s reliving her past just as I am, but she doesn’t push me on it. It’s been eight years since I was medically discharged, but there are times when it feels like yesterday. The nightmares tend to bring me back to those moments I try so desperately to forget.

“You know what you need? A fresh cooked meal. Henry,” she yells over her shoulder. “Breakfast special. Sunny side. Wheat toast. Crispy bacon. Side of strawberry jam.”

“You know me so well.”

She laughs. “You’ve ordered the same thing for years. It’s permanently etched into my notepad by this point.”

“True, very true.”

Mary leans in a little closer. “You know if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

I give her a smile. She’s offered to listen so many times that I’ve lost count, but I don’t. I don’t want to burden her with the details. The only person I’ve ever chatted with is my therapist and I like to keep it that way. At least then I know it’s confidential. Even speaking to her is hard.

“It’s easier for me to not talk or think about it.”

“I understand. You know where to find me if you change your mind.” Mary grabs some menus and sits a few people that walk in. Soon my food is placed on the table along with a fresh cup of coffee.

Across the room a plate crashes to the floor and I jump, spilling coffee in my lap. I stand but I’m immediately taken back to the warzone and the warmth on my leg reminds me of blood. I close my eyes and tighten my fist before I lose it. Mary comes to me, places a hand on my shoulder and sits me down as I try to grasp reality. She hands me napkins to clean the coffee from my pants, and I’m in a daze. The nightmares have affected me more than I imagined and I feel weak, which I hate. Worry fills Mary’s eyes and before she can ask any questions, I pay my bill and she hands me a cup of coffee to go before I head back home. I know I need to deal with this today, and, honestly, I can’t wait to meet Drew and the crew for a late lunch today. I got a reminder text about the lunch as soon as they landed on Wednesday, but I’ve been giving the newlyweds their space. I’ll be happy when things have settled, because Drew makes for good company, and over the years, he’s become more like my brother than anything else. He’s seen my episodes when we were partners and together we’ve worked through it. Though he’s never fought in combat, Drew gets me and is just as protective of me as I am of him. He’s the only best friend I’ve had since my army days.

Once I’m back in my car, I feel the familiar pounding in my chest once again. I grab the steering wheel with tight hands and sit there, trying to take calm breaths in and out. Instead of forcing myself through it, I decide I need to talk about the way I feel before the anxiety slowly creeps up and takes control. Before I put the car in drive, I email my therapist who specializes in veteran affairs and PTSD and ask if it’s okay if we meet today. Though the sun is barely over the horizon, I receive a reply to my email telling me to meet her at the office at eight. It might be the longest three hours of my life.

I go home and change into some workout clothes and hit the gym. I run for an hour, lift weights, and stretch. By the time I return home and take a shower, I’m exhausted. When I look in the mirror, the black circles under my eyes are evident of that. I keep myself busy until it’s time to see Dr. Stevens. By the time I arrive at her office, I feel better and have gained control.

“Logan,” she says and sits down in her office that always seems cozy. She doesn’t pull out a notepad, and I never feel like she’s dissecting me. I’m thankful because it was hard for me to commit to therapy. I tend to think I can take care of myself and my issues, until one day I realized I couldn’t.

“Thanks for meeting me on such short notice.” My hand is shaking and I interlock my fingers together to steady myself, to try to find my calm.

“You know I don’t mind. So, tell me what’s been going on.” Her voice is soft and sweet.

I let out air. “The nightmares returned. Last night.”

She’s patient and waits for me to continue as I search for the words to describe what I saw and felt.

“I saw the faces of all the soldiers that were killed in combat. I heard their screams and cries for help as they took their last breaths. I had an episode at the diner when coffee spilled on my lap. But I didn’t see or feel coffee, it was blood.” My mouth goes dry and Dr. Stevens hands me a bottle of water.

“The guilt of being one of the few who survived the IED still weighs on me heavily. I should be dead. I shouldn’t be here. I’m struggling and trying to fight off the demons of war right now, but I’m not sure I’m winning even after all these years.”

“But you are here. You’re alive and you’re strong. You can work through this. I will help you work through this,” she says, giving me the encouragement I need. “How do you feel right now?”

“I’m a different person. Every time I look at Maggie she looks at me like I’m a stranger and has since the day I returned from Iraq. I don’t think she ever forgave me. When I see people walk toward me, I wonder where their weapons are hidden. Often, I want to drive in the middle of the road because I know it’s the safest place or was in Iraq. It’s been eight years and I still have good and bad days and I wonder if it will ever be only good days. I knew my life would be different after war. Everyone tells you that, but I never imagined it would be like this. I knew at an early age I was born to be a soldier, but now I realize it was a childish dream that forever changed my life and the way I live. I think back to what I could’ve done differently the day of the accident. Everything happened so fast and so slow and the result was losing everyone who patrolled with me along with my best friend. I’ll never forget the look on his mother’s face when I returned with his belongings. I’ll never forget the sound of her cries as she hugged my neck and I’ll always wonder if she resented me, because Jake should have been the one alive, not me.”

“There is nothing you could’ve changed in that situation, Logan. Eventually you’ll have to stop blaming yourself and forgive yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. Once you’re able to do that, I feel like you’ll be able to heal. You didn’t set the IED. You weren’t the one driving.”

“But I was in a hurry to leave. We took a different route that I suggested.”

“And as a group, you all decided together that was the best route. Just because there were different paths you could’ve taken, doesn’t mean you could’ve avoided the outcome. The reality is you don’t know and we can’t change the past. You’ll have to work through this every day to accept that what happened isn’t your fault. But it’s normal to feel like it is.” She keeps her voice soft. She’s heard me go over this story several times and probably knows it by heart.

“I saw what war was, what it did to people and knowing what being calm in chaos really meant. How fucked up am I? I sometimes look at my daughter’s face and I wonder if her life would have been better without me. I look at Maggie and see the resentment she has each time she speaks to me. I’m known as a hardass. I don’t give people chances to get close and push them away as fast as I can.”

She looks at me with sad eyes and I can just imagine the stories she’s heard. “And how does that make you feel when you do that? When you push people away?”

“That I’m protecting them from me and my problems,” I answer truthfully.

“Have you been avoiding people lately?”

I laugh. “When am I not?”

“I’m not telling you to open up to everyone, but having relationships with people can help you not be so isolated. Everyone deserves to have friendships, to love, and have meaningful relationships. I understand wanting to be protected and keeping to yourself, but isolation combined with life stress can often be a breeding ground for the nightmares. When is the last time you felt like yourself?”

“When I was with Skylar last weekend. I want to do everything I can to protect her, to make sure she lives an amazing life. I’ve even told Maggie I want them to move back to Sacramento so I can be closer to my daughter. When I’m with Skylar, and she’s smiling, enjoying the life I worked so hard to protect, I know it was all worth it. Skylar gives me purpose.”

“That makes me so happy to hear, Logan. If and when she moves closer, I think that will be good for you. I want to give you some homework, and I want to see you next month.”

“Okay,” I say, intrigued.

“I want you to keep a notepad by your bed, and the next time you wake up with nightmares, write down everything you feel in that moment and bring it to your next session so we can work through it. Remember the breathing and meditation techniques we’ve discussed before. You can’t change the past and what happened wasn’t your fault. Repeat it.”

I feel stupid saying it but maybe I’ll eventually believe my words.

“We have a support group that meets every Thursday evening over at the Veterans Center. I’d like to encourage you to attend. Everyone there has experienced traumatic events, war, and understand what you’re going through.”

“I might,” I say. Each time she’s suggested I attend, I’ve blown her off. In public settings, I build my walls and keep people out. I watch my surroundings. The last thing I ever want is to bring my personal issues out in the open.

She lifts her eyebrow. “It might be beneficial for you, but it’s completely up to you. I think you’re making good progress and continuing with the sessions will help until you feel better. If you ever need to chat after hours, I’m always available. Just shoot over an email, call, or text.”

“Thank you, Dr. Stevens.”

By the time our session is over, I feel as if the elephant is no longer sitting on my chest and I’m almost able to breathe easy. I drive home and finish up some last-minute paperwork before I head over to Drew and Courtney’s. Being around them will most likely take my mind away from the past and will force me into the present.

––––––––

KAYLA

Saturday morning rolls around and me and the boys take our morning walk to Donny’s. They have so much damn energy this morning, my arm is sore before we even make it to the bakery. Donny gives me a big smile and waves as I leave. Holding my coffee tight in my hand, I pass the house that’s been on my radar for over a week. I slow and peek over the fence to see if Herman is tethered outside. Slightly relieved, I’m happy to see he’s not there today, and I relax—for now—even though my heart knows this isn’t over yet.

I bring the boys back home and unlock the doggy door so they can go in and out on their own throughout the day then hurry and get dressed. Quickly I check the time and grab my keys. Today I’m on a schedule and must play it just right so I have time to stop by Courtney’s for the lunch they’re having around two. They’ve been gone for ten days and I’ve missed them both dearly.

I drive across town and walk into the soup kitchen on North Street, put on my apron, and give everyone hellos.

“Kayla,” Delores says, patting my back with a big smile. She’s over the volunteers and has spent the last thirty years serving meals to the homeless. Each time I look at her soft face and see how she treats everyone the same regardless of their situation, it reminds me to be a better human. I look at the faces of those who hand over their meal tickets and know that I could’ve easily been any one of them. The odds were stacked against me, but somehow, I beat them.

I scoop so many mashed potatoes and gravy on each of the plates that I don’t even notice how the time slipped through my fingers. After I help clean up, I throw my apron in the dirty clothes hamper and start a load. Before I can leave, Delores stops me.

“Hey Kay, come see,” she says placing her hand on my shoulder and leading me to her office in the back. A few people are prepping food for tomorrow as other are mopping the floors and cleaning the tables. The dining hall still has a few people scattered around but for the most part, everyone ate and left. Sometimes it’s a thankless job and time and time again my heart breaks, because I want to do more. I genuinely want to make a difference.

She sits down behind her desk and hands over a few handwritten letters.

“I’d like you to read those,” she says sweetly.

Note after note speaks of how I treated people kindly who walked through the food line and I don’t notice my crying until tears splash onto the paper in my hand. “I’m so touched, I don’t even know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything dear. I just want you to know that you’re appreciated here and your compassion shines through.”

I smile at her before I stand and hand the letters back over to her. “Thank you so much for sharing that with me.”

“Thank you for giving your time to the kitchen. It’s appreciated.”

She stands and gives me a hug and pulls me into her arms tight like I’m family. It’s easy for me to sink into that feeling because a family is all I’ve ever wanted. Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t in my cards. Being in and out of foster care until I was considered an adult shaped the way I am today.

I drive across town and head straight to Courtney’s and sit in traffic for almost an hour which makes me late to the party. Before I get out of the car, I see Travis and Viola is here, and glance over at Logan’s car. My heart starts pounding and I adjust the ponytail on my head and try to smooth down the flyaways. Damnit, I should have gone home and changed first, but I’m already late. I suck in a deep breath and get out of the car.

As soon as I walk in, I catch sight of Logan leaning against the doorway of the kitchen. A smile is on his lips and his arms are crossed over his chest. Courtney’s laugh echoes through the house and a smile fills my face when Viola waves at me. Viola and I were roommates in college, and ever since I was a bridesmaid in her wedding, we’ve become the best of friends. Together, Courtney, Viola, and I are the three musketeers. They are the closest thing to a family I’ve ever had and I’ll forever be grateful for their friendship.

I walk into the kitchen and Courtney runs over to me and gives me a big hug. “Kayla! Where the hell have you been? I was worried about you!”

“Sorry, I was volunteering this morning and got stuck in traffic.” I smile.

“Hey, Kay! Grab a drink and meet us outside,” Drew says, grabbing plates and walking toward the patio door.

“Sure,” I say and Logan hands me a bottle of water. Courtney and Viola follow Drew and Travis outside, so only Logan and I are left in the kitchen.

His body is close to mine and I can smell the freshness of the soap on his skin. I breathe in his scent and swallow hard, trying to take my mind off the way his tongue licks his bottom lip. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since our kiss and since I accidently texted him and he sent over flowers and chocolate. I try to gain control, but the way he’s staring intently at me and the silence between us is almost too much.

“Um,” he says. “You have something on your shirt.”

I look down and see mashed potatoes on me. “Oh my gosh. I was serving mashed potatoes at the soup kitchen,” I say, grabbing a dishrag and rubbing the mess from me.

He searches my face and a smile plays on his lips.

“What?” I ask playfully.

“You’re...” He looks as if he’s trying to find his words, but there’s something else there. Something I wish I could uncover.

I lift my eyebrows and wait, but I feel nervous locked under his gaze.

“You’re just a genuinely good person.”

“I just want to make a difference.” I let out a small laugh and hear Courtney calling our names and I’m thankful for the interruption. “I guess we should get going?”

“After you.” Logan opens the door and I walk out and see Viola and Travis’ cute babies. TJ is only a few months old and is in a baby carrier against Courtney’s chest. Ginny and James are sitting at the table playing with their toys. I take a seat next to Courtney and the only other available seat is directly in front of me, where Logan sits.

I glance over at Court and she shrugs, but I know she’s still playing matchmaker. It’s in her blood. Hell, it’s in Viola’s blood too. They’re all guilty, even if it’s by association.

“So how was the honeymoon?” Viola asks and Courtney goes into detail as Drew fills our plates with hamburgers.

“Oh my God! It was amazing! I swam naked at the beach under the stars and moon.” Courtney is really excited about it.

Drew smiles and shakes his head.

“Whatever, Drew. You did too!” Courtney laughs and then continues about how they took surfing lessons and swam with the dolphins. Her skin is a pretty golden brown from all the sun she got.

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone,” Drew jokes.

I can’t help but laugh. The love they have for each other is so beautiful and natural.

“So, about those nieces and nephews?” Viola adds and Travis cracks up, because Viola has brought up the need for Courtney and Drew to have kids pronto for the past few years, even before they were married.

“Well,” Courtney says, getting quiet.

Viola’s eyes go wide. “What? You’re already pregnant?”

“No, no! But we’ve already decided to start trying right away.” Courtney smiles and Drew leans over and gives her a kiss on the cheek. My eyes go wide and I feel them starting to water because I’m genuinely happy to hear this. They’ll both make amazing parents.

“I’m so happy for you two,” I add and Courtney wraps her arm around me and squeezes.

“I mean, it could take a while to get pregnant, but I stopped taking my birth control so I can officially start tracking my cycle.”

“Well, if Drew’s sperm is anything like Travis’, I bet you’ll be knocked up with quadruplets by next weekend,” Viola teases.

“Can you leave my sperm alone, sis?” Drew responds back as he sits next to Courtney. We’re all laughing and when I look up and see Logan watching me, heat rushes to my cheeks, and my mouth goes dry before he looks away. Damn it. He’s making me nervous.

Once we’re done eating, the kids are cranky and Travis and Viola decide to get them home before they turn into little demons. We all exchange hugs.

“We should hang out next week,” Viola suggest as she squeezes me goodbye. “Just the girls.”

“I need a girls’ night,” Courtney yells from the kitchen. “And a massage.”

“I’ll get something together and let you both know,” Viola says loud enough for Courtney to hear.

“I LOVE YOU!” Courtney runs and gives Viola a huge hug and almost knocks her over, so I grab Viola and we all almost land on the floor laughing.

“Well that escaladed quickly,” I quip.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize how much momentum I had.” Courtney reaches out her hand and helps us gain our footing. We all give the kids kisses and hugs and walk Viola and Travis outside.

Courtney shuts the door behind her and lets out a happy sigh. “I can’t wait to fill this house with babies.”

“I can’t wait either. I’m going to spoil the shit out of them,” I promise, and she wraps her arm around me and we walk back into the kitchen and finish cleaning up.

“Are you going to tell me what happened. I got your text and was basically freaking out,” Courtney whispers.

We haven’t had a chance to talk since I sent her that text.

I look over my shoulder to make sure Logan and Drew aren’t around and move in closer to her. “I found out who Skylar is.”

Her eyes go wide and I can tell she’s on edge waiting.

“It’s his daughter.”

Courtney covers her mouth with her hands.

“I know. But the problem is he doesn’t know that I know. It’s a big mess and I feel like an asshole for looking at his phone when we were at the coffee shop. I don’t know what to do. I’m really confused about it all. And the kiss.”

“Wait. You kissed KISSED?”

I give her all the details of what happened with another awful online date and how he came to my rescue and kissed me. Her eyes widen and her lips part, but she doesn’t speak. She’s just as shocked as I am.

“Then he sent flowers and chocolate to my office when I texted him about my bleeding uterus when I thought I was texting you.”

Courtney gives me a hug and she’s so damn excited but I’m totally confused.

“What?” I ask.

“You know what this means, right? He’s totally into you.”

I roll my eyes. “No. He’s not. He’s made so many side comments in the past about how I deserve X, Y, and Z as if he’s not any of those things.”

“He’s playing hard to get. It’s so damn obvious,” Courtney says matter-of-factly.

“Who is?” Logan asks as he walks into the kitchen.

“Oh, this guy Kayla knows at work. He’s totally into her and I told her she just needs to get over her fear and ask him on a date because he’s too chicken to ask her. I mean she’s such a catch and someone is eventually going to snag her up.” Courtney covers our conversation but goes a little too far with it. Her country accent is seeping through.

My eyes go wide because she made up this person off the top of her head and I’m thankful Logan can’t see my face. Until he walks around me and reaches into the fridge to grab a beer. Before he walks away his eyes meet mine. “Really? I thought you didn’t date people you worked with?”

Busted.

I swallow, not wanting to lie, but it’s true that I don’t date people at work.

“She’s just being modest about it.” Courtney pats me on the shoulder and smirks. “So, what’s been going on with you, Logan?”

“Work. That’s about it.”

“Quit giving him a hard time.” Drew peeks around the corner and asks Logan to hand him a drink as well.

“For once, I wasn’t.” Courtney holds out her hands innocently. “Ask him.”

“She wasn’t.” Logan reaches back in the fridge and looks back at me.

“Well if you’re into him, you should go for it regardless of your rules. Just make sure he’ll treat you right, and that he doesn’t wear a bow tie and have a pocket protector.”

I burst out laughing, but my heart aches knowing the truth. Logan Knight is who I want and can’t have. The heart wants what the heart wants, and I’m not sure anyone will be able to change that.

I’m doomed.