LOGAN

Watching Kayla fall asleep in my arms is one of the best feelings in the world. She makes me feel safe and secure, which is probably ironic considering I’m the one that wants to make her feel that way. Regardless, she does. Knowing that someone as amazing as Kayla has feelings for me the same way I do about her makes me feel like I have finally gained back some control in my life.

Once I know she’s asleep, I slide my arm out from under her and quietly get out of the bed. I grab my phone and head out of the room. Once I shut the door behind me, I head to her couch, set my alarm, and fall asleep.

I hear my alarm and quickly turn it off. I don’t have to be to work for another two hours, but I get up early since I have to run back to my house and take Herman out before getting ready. Folding the blanket and making sure to set it back down in the right spot, I head for the bathroom. Before I can make it to the hallway, I see Kayla in the kitchen looking directly at me. And she doesn’t look happy.

“Hey, babe. You’re up early.” I walk toward her, opening my arms to hug her, but she folds her arms over her chest and takes a step back. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong? You’re sleeping on the couch!”

“Babe, it’s not what you’re thinking.”

“Then what is it?” she asks, dropping her arms. “Do you not like sleeping next to me or something? Do you snore? Wait, do I snore?”

“Of course, I love sleeping next to you. And no, it’s not that. It’s me, okay? I have trouble sleeping in the same bed with another person.”

She furrows her brows, trying to figure me out. I know I’m being vague, but now isn’t the time to discuss this. “I promise, it’s not you.”

“Then what is it?” she asks softly.

“It’s...” I don’t even know how to begin this conversation. “It’s not something I can explain easily. Come over after work and we can talk, okay?”

She lowers her eyes but nods.

“Do you want me to walk the dogs with you?”

“No, it’s all right. I’m going to sleep for another hour.”

I follow her into the bedroom and kiss her before I leave. I feel awful that she’s caught me and even worse that I haven’t told her the truth. It’s something I’ve been dreading, but I know she deserves to hear it. I just hope it's not a game changer for her. Losing her would break me—in more ways than one.

Once I’m at work, I keep busy with catching up on calls and emails. This drug trafficking case has been draining with keeping up on interviewing the neighbors and doing random stakeouts. The more we can build our case, the better chance we have at taking the whole thing down, but going after them too soon could ruin the bust.

I can’t concentrate as much knowing Kayla is upset with me. As soon as I finish my shift, I head home to take Herman out and text her.

L: Come over tonight. I’ll make dinner.

K: What time?

L: 7, but sooner if you can.

K: I’ll be there.

I can feel her indifference through her messages, and I know I have a lot of making up to do. We haven’t been together that long, but we’ve been friends long enough that I should’ve known I could trust her to tell her the truth. Either way, I plan to fix that tonight. I know it won’t be easy reliving that time in my life, but I’ll do it for her. I’ll do anything for her and anything to keep her.

At quarter to seven, Kayla knocks on the door and I’m so relieved when I see her.

“Hey, baby.” I pull her against my chest and inhale the scent of her floral shampoo. Pressing my lips against her skin, I feel her relax. “Thanks for coming.”

“Sure.”

I welcome her inside and Herman greets her immediately. She kneels and pets him, flashing a smile in his direction.

“I hope you’re hungry. I made enough for an army,” I tell her, taking her hand and walking her into the kitchen.

“Wow, it smells amazing,” she boasts. “So, you’re a man of many talents I see?”

“I try—I’m no gourmet chef—but I know my way around a grill.” Years of cooking for yourself will make that happen.

She laughs, and it’s music to my ears. I know I owe her an explanation; I just don’t even know where to start at this point.

I place the two ribeye steaks, smothered with garlic onto two plates, add the twice baked potatoes and sprinkle parmesan cheese over the steamed broccoli.

“Are you trying to put me in a food coma?” she asks as I set the dishes on the table and she sees everything.

“Only if that leads to you naked in my bed,” I tease, taking my seat across from her, but she ends up glaring at me, and I know she’s not finding it funny.

I watch as she lowers her eyes and cuts the steak with her fork and knife.

“It started shortly after I came home from touring overseas,” I begin, knowing we aren’t going to get much done until we talk about the elephant in the room. She looks back up at me and listens. “I started drinking before bed so I would pass out hard enough in hopes I wouldn’t have the nightmares. One or two drinks at night turned into four or five and before long, I was passing out and instead of waking up from the nightmares, I was waking up on top of Maggie.”

I swallow the words down, never before saying them aloud. I didn’t talk to a therapist then and by the time I did, Maggie and I were no longer together.

“What do you mean you were on top of Maggie?” She’s set her fork down, and I know she’s probably already lost the appeal to eat.

I suck my lips in my mouth, ashamed and embarrassed, but wanting to be completely honest with her, I lick my lips and start from the beginning.

“The first time it happened, I was on top of her and screaming in her face to wake up. A buddy of mine was in an accident, and when I found him, he was covered in blood and I panicked, so I screamed at him to wake up. I didn’t want to believe he was dead at the time. When the memories started haunting me in my sleep, I drank to push them away, but instead they clouded my mind until there was no hiding from it.”

“Oh my God. That sounds awful.” She reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “I’m so sorry you had to experience that.”

“It gets worse,” I warn her. “I stopped drinking once Maggie found out we were expecting. The nightmares continued, but nothing she couldn’t wake me up from. I started taking sleeping pills to help keep me in REM sleep so I could sleep through it. That helped for a bit, but then it started up again. I wake up to Maggie pouring a glass of cold water over my face just to wake me out of the dream.”

“Jesus,” she whispers.

“Then one night, we were arguing over something stupid. Maggie was eight months pregnant and she wasn’t getting a lot of sleep because she couldn’t get comfortable, and I became a restless sleeper. I remember I fell asleep before she came into bed that night and it was something I regretted ever since. She always told me we shouldn’t go to bed mad at each other considering I was in a war zone and we shouldn't take anything for granted. But I was tired and I didn’t want to spend all night talking about it, so I swallowed down three sleeping pills with a glass of whiskey.”

“Oh my God...” she mutters, covering her mouth with her other hand. I feel like the world’s biggest asshole having to retell this story that involves Maggie and me, but it’s inevitable at this point.

“I woke up hours later in handcuffs,” I tell her, closing my eyes in shame.

“What?”

“I had climbed on top of her again, except instead of screaming at her, I was choking her.” My voice trembles as I recall the moments of that night. “I wasn’t conscious and she couldn’t stop me. She barely managed to grab her cell to dial 9-1-1, and once they heard her screaming, they sent officers over and they barged in through the front door and tackled me to the ground. I don’t recall any of that. The last thing I remember after falling asleep was being held to the ground with my hands behind my back. The paramedics came and did an exam on Maggie and once she was cleared, they hauled me to jail.”

“Weren’t you a police officer then?”

“Yeah, I was. That’s why I was only held for twelve hours. Maggie gave a statement, and once it was clear that it wasn’t intentional, I was released. My supervisor at the time persuaded me to go to therapy for my PTSD. It helped in some ways, but the dreams still come and go. I don’t know what would happen if Maggie and I slept together again because I never fell asleep in bed with her again. I’d lie with her until she fell asleep and then move to the couch. I couldn’t risk hurting her again.”

“So that’s why you won’t stay in the bed with me? You’re worried about hurting me?”

I nod.

“But you don’t know what variables caused that kind of subconscious reaction. Between the alcohol and pills, those could’ve triggered those memories. If you aren’t doing those anymore, don’t you think you’d be okay?”

I shrug, because I honestly don’t know. “I’ve thought about it, wondering if it’s been long enough for my mind to deal with those memories, but I can’t risk it,” I explain, looking into her deep brown eyes. “I could never forgive myself if I hurt you, Kayla. This is something I have to live with, but I don’t want it to be something you have to live with. I don’t want you to sleep in fear, which is why I sleep on the couch so I can be sure you stay safe.”

“Is that why you and Maggie broke up? Because you couldn’t sleep in the same bed together?”

“Ultimately, it was a variety of reasons, but it was the start of a ripple effect. It affected us being intimate together, even more so once Skylar was born because we were both new parents and not getting a lot of sleep. Even though she said she didn’t, I knew she resented me for what I did. In the end, it was something neither of us could get over. I couldn’t forgive myself for what I’d done and she couldn’t feel safe around me.”

––––––––

KAYLA

My heart is breaking for Logan right now, and I honestly don’t know how I feel about what he’s just told me. I believe and trust him wholeheartedly, but the concern is still there. Can a relationship really work if you can’t sleep in the same bed together? Would he ever feel safe to sleep next to me? Or would we always have to be separated?

“You haven’t blinked in a really long time,” Logan blurts out. “I’m sorry I have to burden you with all this.”

I can hear the sadness in his voice, which is to be expected. I know he’s probably worried I’ll bail on him or tell him this will no longer work between us. I don’t want that at all, but I still need to process it all.

Licking my lips, I look back up at him and see the caring, sweet, genuine, and protective Logan that I’ve always known.

“I feel really sad for you,” I confess. “I’m sad that you’ve had to go through everything you did between being overseas, losing your friends, witnessing what you did, and everything that happened with Maggie. I’m sad you had to experience that.”

“That means a lot to me.”

“I want you to sleep with me tonight,” I tell him, making a decision. “Sleep in the bed with me and let me prove to you that we can work through this.”

“No,” he says sternly. “I’ll just lie there wide awake too afraid to fall asleep.”

“Then I’ll have to make sure to settle your nerves beforehand. Make sure you feel nice and rested.” I grin. He gives me a look as if he’s not taking the bait. “Logan, it was over six years ago. I know you’re afraid, but do you really want to live in fear the rest of your life? I know I don’t. I feel safe when I’m in your arms. Safe and secure,” I reassure him.

He slides his chair out and walks to me, pulling me up so my chest is pressed against him. Smiling, he tilts my chin up and presses a soft kiss against my lips. “What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?”

“Probably a lot of things.” I smile and wrap my arms around him. “You don’t ever have to worry about being honest with me. I’ll only judge you if it’s something ridiculous like being Team Feylin or something.”

His cheeks nearly touch his ears by the loud laughter that roars from his throat. “Well for the record, I’d be Team Feysand.”

I laugh, appreciating that he knew what I was talking about. “Don’t know whether I’m concerned or impressed that you know the ACOTAR series.” I’m not a self-proclaimed fangirl, but I will elbow my way through a bookstore on release day to get the next book.

“My partner, Brantley, has younger sisters that were talking about it one time. We were on a stakeout when they called, and for my amusement, he put them on speakerphone. For three hours, they were going back and forth discussing all about it and because I was bored as shit, I actually paid attention.”

I love that Logan and I can talk through things, even if the truth is hard to hear. It proves we’re capable of working together during the rough patches. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy considering his past and being a single dad, but I have faith we’ll always have good communication between us.

We finish our dinner and eventually end up on the couch to watch a movie. After scrolling through Netflix and unable to decide, I tell Logan to just pick something that neither of us has seen before. It doesn’t take long to predict the plot of the story. The young girl ends up pregnant and although faced with real consequences decides to keep the baby while juggling a part-time job and night classes to finish her GED.

I can feel Logan tense next to me, though I’m not sure why. He’s not the one with the secret that’s been haunting him since he was fifteen years old. Pretending my teen years didn’t happen is a lot easier when your mistakes aren’t thrown in your face. I left that life behind long ago and even though I’ve kept that part of me a secret from everyone I love in my life, it’s for the best.

“It’s late,” I tell him as we both stand up from the couch. “I should get home and let the dogs out one more time.”

He leads me to the door, agreeing it’s probably a good idea I go home tonight. He brushes a few loose strands of hair behind my ear and kisses me softly on the lips. I look up into his eyes and see the sincerity there.

“Sweet dreams.”

“Night. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I tell him before heading out, the conversation we shared still fresh in my mind as I walk to my car and drive back home.

On Wednesday after work, I made plans to drive to the food pantry to volunteer for a few hours. After I tell Logan about my plans, he completely surprises me when I see him there.

“What are you doing here?” I hug him and give him a quick kiss.

“Wanted to help out,” he says proudly. “My girlfriend is pretty inspirational, and I wanted to donate my time.”

“Babe.” I cover his cheeks with my hands and kiss him again. “You’re the sweetest.” I grab his hand and start leading him down a hallway. “They’re always short on volunteers so Bonnie will be so excited to see you. Considering you’ll be the new eye candy.” I chuckle, loving that Logan is here.

Bringing him into the room where the other volunteer members are sitting and after looking around, he whispers, “Who was the previous eye candy?”

I lean in, whispering back, “Larry. The one over there.” I nod my head toward a guy in his late fifties with gray hair and a beard that touches the middle of his beer gut.

“Wow. I can see the competition was stiff.”

I snort, shaking my head at him. Bonnie stalks in and notices Logan right away.

“Well, Kayla dear. It’s not my birthday for another month, but...” She takes it upon herself to squeeze his bicep and grins like a fool. “I’ll take it.”

I burst out laughing. Bonnie has a great sense of humor and always has everyone laughing. Once everyone has arrived, I give Logan the details on how everything works. He’s smart and easily catches on, not that it’s really that complicated, but with him next to me, time is flying by.

“He’s so handsome and strong, Kayla. No wonder you’ve been keeping him to yourself for so long,” she mutters to me with a cheeky smile.

“I think he’d be too young for you, Bonnie,” I tell her in a playful voice. “Although, he has lots of single friends in the department he works in, so I could help set you up.”

“Oh, don’t tempt me.” She winks and smiles wide.

“You dirty bird,” I tease, laughing. I hope I’m as cool and hip as Bonnie when I’m her age.

I love seeing Logan getting involved and interested in the things that I am. It really shows me the kind of person he is and that he values what I do. We talk while unpacking boxes of food to stock on the shelves. I tell him about the statistics in our area of how many families the pantry feeds on a weekly basis and how many wouldn’t be able to survive without it. It’s eye-opening once you educate yourself on the topics. A lot of those families come from single parents with multiple children. Without volunteers, the pantry couldn’t operate and that’s what drives me to donate my time. If I can contribute to a cause where it’ll help families and kids, then I want to be able to do what I can.

I introduce Logan to some of the other regular volunteers, and once they all find out he was a police officer and now detective, they get all swoony-eyed at him even more.

We end up staying an extra hour longer than I typically would since Bonnie had him lifting all the heavy boxes and basically reorganizing the storage closet.

Once we say goodbye, we walk hand in hand out into the parking lot. He walks me to my car and before I can open my door, he swings me around and pins me against it.

“What are you doing?” I squeal, laughing at the sudden movement. He cages me in with his arms and rubs his nose along the length of my jawline.

“Trying to seduce you into coming to my place tonight,” he mutters against my neck, sending shivers down my spine. “Is it working?” I feel his lips spread into a smile.

Laughing, I wrap my arms around him and play along. “It always works.” He leans down and kisses me once again. “On one condition,” I say.

“What’s that?”

“You have to stay in bed with me. I don’t want fear to control our relationship, and I want you to trust me.”

He furrows his brows at me and takes a step back. “Why wouldn’t I trust you?”

“I want you to trust me enough to know that you can stay in bed with me and nothing is going to happen.”

“I trust you with my life, Kayla, but that doesn’t mean nothing’s going to happen. I don’t trust me.”

“Well I trust you completely, Logan Knight.”

He brushes a hand through his hair and blinks. “Okay. For you, Kayla Sinclair. I will.”