When I stepped into Adam’s just after 9, I found Jeff already waiting for me at the same booth we’d sat in the last time we were here. Aside from Ashley the waitress behind the counter, absently wiping it down with an alarmingly dirty rag, Jeff and I were the only people there. How the hell does this place stay in business? I wondered as I walked to the booth.

“I can’t believe you,” I said, sitting down across from him.

“You’re not the only one who’s picked up a few techniques since we started working together,” he said. “I seem to recall you saying something about it being a two-way street?”

“Yeah, something like that. So, what’s up with the late-night rendezvous?”

“You said you wanted to keep seeing my beautiful face, so I thought I’d give you another opportunity,” he said with a smile as he pointed at himself. As ridiculous as it was, I did appreciate getting to see him again. “Is it everything you hoped it’d be?”

“And more,” I laughed, scooping up one of the menus on the table to look over it. I wasn’t hungry at all but I wanted to distract myself somehow.

“Then why are you putting a menu in your line of sight?” he asked, pulling the menu down.

“You’re awfully giddy tonight,” I said.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing, it’s just out of character for you.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“That you’re usually a crotchety old man,” I said and he laughed.

“Well, suddenly I’ve got something to be giddy about. Besides, I thought it might do both of us some good to be a little lighter so we don’t have any more moments like earlier today,” he said. “You know, blow off some steam or whatever.” I hope that won’t be the only thing we’re blowing tonight, I thought before forcing my mind back on track.

“Yeah, about today…”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to apologize. If anything, I should be the one apologizing to you for grabbing and talking to you the way I did.”

“It’s nothing. I went too far, I don’t blame you for being a little scared,” I said. “Story of my life, pushing the envelope.”

“Indeed,” he said. “Speaking of, I wanted to ask you about something you said earlier.”

“What’s that?” I asked, my body and mind on alert.

“When I asked you what you’re going to do after we wrap this thing, you seemed to totally space out on me. What was that all about?”

“Oh,” I said with a shrug. “I honestly didn’t know the answer to the question. I still don’t,” I said.

“No ideas at all?”

“Not really, no.”

“Not even the faintest inkling?”

“Alright, alright, Jesus,” I said. “I don’t really know why but I’m kind of over The Flame,” I admitted.

“Seriously? Why?” he asked, leaning over as if I’d said something truly scandalous.

“I’m just feeling stuck in a rut there. It’s not what it used to be, especially now that I’m here doing this and the rest of the guys are running things without me. I just feel like, what’s the point of going back? They don’t need me and I don’t really want to be there.”

“But you don’t know what you’d rather do instead?”

“Not specifically. But I know I’d like to try something new, something I haven’t done before,” I answered truthfully. “Maybe try my hand out at hosting my own show or something,” I continued, dodging his eyes because I knew he was judging me for it.

“I think you’d be damn good at it,” he said and my eyes snapped up to meet his because I couldn’t believe he’d said it. There wasn’t anything in his eyes to suggest he wasn’t being truthful.

“Really?”

“Yeah. You’ve got the personality, you’ve got the looks, and you’ve got the fanbase. Sounds like a recipe for success to me,” he said with a shrug.

“I’m sorry, I’m having a little bit of a hard time absorbing this coming from the guy who tore me a new one on live TV,” I said.

“I still haven’t apologized for that, have I?” he asked.

“I wasn’t aware you wanted to,” I said. This conversation just kept surprising me.

“Neither was I until now. Look, I’m sorry about all of that. I know it’s kind of water under the bridge by this point, but I really am sorry. That was so unprofessional of me. I don’t blame GNN for not having my back on that one,” he said.

“Apology accepted, though I’m still kind of reeling from it,” I said.

“You shouldn’t be. A lot of things have changed since that broadcast for both of us. I’m not the same person I was back then and neither are you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I definitely have,” he said.

Oh, I’ve noticed, I thought. He was right, so many things had changed—not the least of which was the very nature of our relationship. The fact that we were sitting together and having this conversation would probably have been enough of a shock for most people, and that was without them knowing everything else we’d done together.

“Fancy meeting you two again,” Ashley said, stirring me back to the moment as she approached our table. “I was starting to wonder if your friend here was going it solo. You fellas looking to order anything tonight?”

“Could I maybe have a coffee?” Jeff asked.

“Of course. Nothing to munch on?”

“Not at this hour.”

“No food late but coffee’s just fine? Alright, suit yourself. What about you, doll?” she asked, looking at me with a little bit too much interest.

“I’ll have the same.”

“Two coffees it is,” she said. I folded my menu back up, stacked it on the other one, and handed them to her.

“I’m glad you came,” Jeff said with a smile. “I was worried you might not.”

“Why wouldn’t I have, especially after what I said earlier?”

“I don’t know, I thought I might’ve scared you off.”

“It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than that for you to scare me off,” I said honestly. “I mean, it would have to trump the fun we had the night before we were here the last time,” I continued, and he beamed at me, his cheeks turning slightly red.

“I’m glad to hear it. I feel the same way, as much as my brain would like me to feel otherwise,” he said.

“It does?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, if I’m being totally honest and rational with myself and with you, it’s not like this thing we’ve got going is particularly smart or, well, safe,” he said.

“Fair enough. Are you really that concerned, though? I mean, what is there really to be afraid of?” I asked and the joy on his face dissipated slightly.

“I just don’t want either of us to lose what we’ve built individually because of it. Not that I’m convinced it would happen, but it’s hard to say.”

“You mean you don’t want anyone to find out?”

“Kile, you’ve got to admit, it wouldn’t make either of us look very good.”

“No, it definitely wouldn’t,” I agreed. I would’ve been lying if I told him I hadn’t had the same thoughts about us, but as time went on I’d found it increasingly hard to care about the consequences. Part of me wondered if it might give my life the shake up I seemed to need, though another part of me knew how stupid that was. “But I think if it was going to happen it would’ve happened by now, don’t you? Can’t we afford to relax even a little bit?”

“Why do you think I asked you to meet me here tonight?” he asked and I smiled.

“I’m glad to hear that. Honestly, when I said earlier I wanted to keep seeing your beautiful face when we were done filming, I wasn’t lying,” I said.

“I know you weren’t. I don’t want to stop seeing yours, either.”

“So then what are we going to do when this is over?”

“It’s hard to say, honestly. I think we’re going to have to wait and see how the chips fall before we can make any real decisions about it. A lot of it hinges on how well or how poorly this show does,” he said. Though I hated the rationality in Jeff’s answer, I had to admit he was right.

“But I don’t really want to think about that right now,” he said. “I want to enjoy what we’ve got while we know what we’re working with,” he continued, and I nodded my agreement. Despite myself, I reached across the table and took one of his hands in both of mine. His eyes went wide for a second and he looked from side to side to make sure no one had seen—not that there was anyone there to see. It was as if our conversation and his hand in mine combined to overwhelm him.

“Relax, Jeff,” I said, turning his hand over to massage his palm with my thumbs. “It’s OK. No one’s going to see. Why are you so jumpy?”

“I’ve just had some bad experiences with this sort of thing before,” he said, his voice suddenly small and vulnerable. As I dug down into the callouses of his palm and the tight, hard muscles beneath, I realized how stressed he seemed. His laughing and joking had covered it up at first but now I saw exhaustion written all over his face.

“Like what?”

“It’s not important,” he said.

“Oh no, it’s definitely important,” I argued. Just then, Ashley started making her way back to our booth with two steaming mugs of coffee and Jeff snatched his hand out of my grip before she could see anything.

“Here we are, fellas,” she said and dug in her apron with her free hand to produce a handful of creamer containers, which she let fall to the table before setting the mugs down in front of us. “Enjoy and holler if there’s anything else you need.”

“Thanks, Ashley,” Jeff said, offering her a stiff smile before taking a deep swig of the coffee without putting anything in it. I doctored mine with two creams and two artificial sweeteners, watching each of Jeff’s moves. He seemed anxious all of a sudden, paranoid even, constantly looking over his shoulder and out of the window next to us like he was afraid at any moment someone might burst in and scream at us or something.

“You were saying?” I asked, blowing on my coffee.

“We don’t have to talk about that. It’s depressing, not exactly fitting for the mood.”

“I don’t care. What happened?” I asked and he sighed and wound a finger up in his curls, which he twisted and twirled.

“It was right before I got the gig doing The Edge,” he said after a long pause. “I was seeing this guy, this other reporter that worked at GNN. We were on the same beat and we kind of hit it off hanging out after work and whatnot. Long story short, things got deep, I got crazy and it almost cost me the promotion,” he said. Everything clicked into place in my mind.

No wonder he’s afraid, I thought. I’d wondered why he was so hung up about people finding out about us—sure, it was reasonable to be concerned about what might happen to our respective careers if they did, but there was an unexplained urgency about it for Jeff—and now I knew. A pang of sympathy swelled in my chest because I knew exactly what that felt like, the fear of being lost to a single person, of giving them that control over you.

“What was his name?”

“Jeremy. Jeremy Holtz,” he said, and I was surprised he answered so quickly and honestly.

“Well, I don’t know what to say other than to remind you about what you said. We’re both different, way different. Just because whatever happened back then with Jeremy happened, doesn’t mean it’ll happen again,” I said, as much to convince myself as to convince him. I thought of Brandon, thought of the horrible way I’d felt when I found him in bed with another man; thought of the way I’d promised I’d never let it happen again, and yet here I was trying to convince Jeff to let himself do the very thing I’d sworn off.

“Yeah, right, of course,” he said, though he sounded more unsure than I’d ever heard him. “I mean, do you blame me for being afraid?”

“No, not at all. You think I’m not? This is intense and scary for me, too,” I admitted.

“I think you’re handling it far better than I am,” he said and I laughed.

“Well, I’m glad you see it that way but I don’t exactly feel like I’ve got all of my ducks in a row, either. I guess when you boil it down, it’s all a matter of trust, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yeah, definitely,” he agreed. “That’s not exactly my strong suit.”

“It rarely is for overachievers like us,” I said and he chuckled.

“Do you trust me?” I asked and his eyes traveled from his coffee mug to my face and back down again. He hesitated for a moment, twiddled his thumbs on the mug he gripped between his hands, and looked back up at me.

“Yeah, I do,” he said, and the firm look in his eyes backed up his words. “I can’t believe I do, but I do,” he added with a laugh and I chuckled along with him.

“That’s fair,” I said. “This has all moved pretty fast.” I downed the remainder of my coffee in a few large gulps, slammed my mug down on the table and stood from the booth.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Let’s get out of here,” I said, nodding at the door.

“And go where?”

“I don’t know, anywhere. We can walk and talk,” I said. Though he looked uneasy, he took another drink of his coffee before tossing some money from his wallet down on the table to cover the drinks and a tip. He stood and threw on his coat and so did I.

“Thanks for stopping by, fellas. See y’all next time!” Ashley called as we made our way to the door. Outside, it was hellishly cold and the wind whipped through the streets and through my clothes but I didn’t mind too much.

We rounded the corner at the back of the restaurant and when the darkness enveloped us, I reached for Jeff’s hand and took it in mine. He stopped and smiled at me, a warm but nonetheless conflicted smile, and I set off again, drawing him further down into the alley behind the restaurant.

“Where are we going?” he asked. “There’s no lights or anything back here.”

“That was the point,” I said without turning to face him, using his hand to pull him along.

“What are you doing?”

“You said you trusted me, remember? Now shut up and come on,” I said and thankfully he fell silent and did as he was told. When we were halfway down the alley between the two streets that the restaurant straddled, I stopped and looked both ways to make sure we were alone. Though it was dark and difficult to see, even with the dim streetlights overhead, I was reasonably sure no one else was around—and even if they were, I didn’t care. They’d have no idea who we were in the darkness even if they did see us.

I turned around and drew close to him, so close I felt his hot, damp breath on my face with each of his increasingly rapid exhales.

“Kile, I—”

“Shh,” I hissed, and before he could say anything else I threw myself into him, shoving him up against the brick wall at his back. Our lips crashed together, cold and warm at the same time, and though at first he hesitated, when my tongue met his he gripped my sides with his hands and his resistance melted away.

We kissed for what seemed like forever, our frigid fingers snaking along each other’s bodies, occasionally forcing a groan from one or the other of us when they grazed the warm skin beneath our clothes. It wasn’t enough for me to say that I wouldn’t be Jeremy, that I wouldn’t hurt him like that, couldn’t even if I wanted to; I needed him to know it, needed to show it to him in the best way I knew how.

He groaned when I moved to his neck, my teeth gently scraping their way down to his collarbone as I forced his shirt aside to allow me access.

“This is crazy,” he laughed. “We shouldn’t be doing this, not here.” I pulled away, my hands on his shoulders to pin him against the wall.

“Do you trust me? Do you really trust me?” I asked. He froze for a moment, his breath steaming in the cold air between us, and then nodded heavily.

“I do,” he said at last. I kissed him again, quickly and gently, before I crouched down on one knee to massage the thick, long lump in his pants.

“Kile, no. Not here,” he said, his hands digging into my armpits to try and pull me back onto my feet but I wasn’t about to let him stop me now. My hands found his button and zipper and though he tried to swat and pull them away, I eventually got them both undone and tugged his pants down.

As if he knew he’d been defeated, and as if his desire had taken over, he sighed and held his pants up just enough that nothing more than his cock and balls was exposed. I looked up at him and found worried and yet hungry eyes staring back at me. I flicked the tip of his engorged cock head with my tongue and he groaned his approval, his head falling back against the brick.

With a smile, I wrapped my mouth around him, felt him swell even thicker inside at the sensation of warmth and wetness, and his pants fell to his ankles as his hands moved to my shoulders. Slowly and with delight, I moved forward on his cock, feeling it prod and leak down the back of my throat as his pubic hair tickled the tip of my nose.

“God,” he groaned, his voice high pitched and barely more than a whisper, his fingers digging into my shoulders as I moved my head back and forth and moaned around him. When I felt a burning in the back of my throat, I pulled back and nursed the tip of him with my lips and tongue, licking away the precum that oozed out of it.

One of his hands traveled up to the back of my head, gently cradling it and encouraging it back down, so I obeyed. We fell into a gentle rhythm, back and forth, and I used a hand to sheath his cock and stroke it, which pushed a long, low rumble of a groan from him.

After a few pumps like that, he seemed to lose control and give in to his need. His paced quickened until he was thrusting so hard and fast into my mouth it became difficult to breathe. Sucking and slurping sounds echoed throughout the alley as he used me for his pleasure, and moments later his sac contracted, a hushed whimper escaped him, and he filled my mouth filled with his sweet, salty essence.

I choked it all down, my hands against his thighs to keep him from pushing his cock and seed any further back to prevent myself from gagging. Once, twice, three times he bucked into my mouth, spurting more each time, his hands on each side of my head, holding me still until he gave one last, hard shudder and fell against the wall.

“How’s that for a dirty little secret?” I whispered, patting his thighs as his still swollen, glistening cock bobbed in front of my face with each of his sharp breaths. Before he could answer, I took the head in my mouth again and he yelped, pulling back from me.

“No, please, no. Too sensitive,” he begged. So instead, I stood and kissed him again. He wheezed into my mouth, his cock smashing against my own rock-hard erection. My pants were soaked from my own arousal but it wasn’t about me, not now.

“Oh my God,” he sighed when I pulled away from him. He tugged his pants back up and zipped them before stealing another quick peck of a kiss from me.

“Remember that the next time you’re worried about us,” I said and he smiled, his eyes darting left and right as he searched my face.

“I’ll never forget it,” he laughed.

“Good,” I said and fell against him, his chest rising and falling rapidly against mine. His breath crept past my ear and down my neck, making me shiver in the best possible way.

“We should go,” he said. “Before we draw any more attention to ourselves.” I nodded and after checking to make sure we were still alone, we stepped out of the alley together and walked down the sidewalk as if nothing had happened. When I looked over at him, he smiled stupidly back at me and this time he reached for my hand.

“Can I walk you home?” he asked. “It’s the least I can do to repay you,” he continued, and I laughed.

“I’ll cash in on the IOU later,” I said, fully intending to do just that.