“Crow?” Angela’s voice came from the other side of the locked door. She sounded stressed, although Ethan had come to learn that ‘stressed’ was her normal operating emotion. Some people seemed like they strived under stress, although Ethan found that to be rare. Stress was never good on the body.

What was good on the body, though? An incredibly handsome, charming, sweet, and half-naked man. Crow looked down at him, his light brown eyes glittering like a mischievous teen. He put a finger to my lips as his curled into a smile.

“Crow, come on. I know you’re in there,” she persisted. “Jordan told me he saw you coming this way.”

She knocked three more times, each one harder than the last.

“It sounds important,” Ethan whispered past the finger.

Crow gave an adorably sexy roll of his eyes as he got off of Ethan. The weight of Crow’s body on his was immediately missed. It made Ethan realize how good things had been and how good things seemed to be about to get. Crow was able to transport him with a kiss alone. Throw in fondling and erections, and Ethan was ready to knock down all the walls.

The knocks had thrown him back to reality, though. Crow stood up, adjusting himself so that his excitement wasn’t on full display. Ethan grabbed his shirt and tugged it on, moving to sit at the edge of the bed. He pulled out his phone and tried to act as if he wasn’t just about to be sucked off by Crow.

“Jesus,” Ethan could hear her say. “Crow, I can’t have you playing hide-and-seek right now.”

“Is everything ok?” Crow’s voice was immediately tense. Ethan perked up. They had talked about the weird notes and had laughed it off as a harmless teen or an immature troll. Crow had admitted that the messages had spooked him, but he had said having Ethan around was a sort of comfort he wasn’t expecting to have. He said it was “cuz you feel so much like home. I’m not saying I think you’re my bodyguard or anything. You just make me feel… comfortable. Safe.”

Ethan had gone to sleep that night feeling the happiest he’d been in a while. He had forgotten how much pleasure he got from making others feel safe.

“Mind if I come in?” Angela

“Of course,” Crow said, stepping aside. Ethan looked to the side, toward the entrance. Angela gave a mini-jump on recognizing that there was someone else in the room. She gave a curt smile and then a glance toward Crow.

“Sorry,” Ethan said, instantly feeling like he was out of place. Angela must have had something she wanted to talk to Crow in private about.

“No, that’s ok,” Angela said, seeming to course-correct herself. She shook her shoulders and gave a little exhale. The exhaustion of managing a tour was starting to show in the darkening bags under her eyes, and they weren’t even to the half-way point yet. She was still killing it in the fashion department though, wearing a navy romper with a few artfully placed floral prints. He had to give it to her. Ethan was reminded of his medical school days, when time was short and his lack of fucks given towards his appearance were plentiful. He would go a few weeks without shaving and had a pair of lucky jeans that were rarely put to rest. He spent most of his time in scrubs anyway, so it didn’t matter too much, but he definitely admired someone who was still able to keep it together when the pressure was on.

“I have an appointment with Troy in a few minutes, anyway. I should get going.”

That was a lie. He didn’t have to see Troy for another couple of hours, but he felt like going to his own room was the best option at that point. Angela was clearly still resisting sharing whatever she had come over to talk about, and the moment between him and Crow was gone. He got up and started toward the door. Crow stood by, tossing the water bottle in the air.

“I changed my mind. You do owe me, now,” he said, clearly talking about more than the water bottle.

“We’ll have to work something out. A payment plan.”

Ethan grabbed the water bottle out of the air and walked by Crow with a wide smile. He had to stop himself from forgetting about the water and just grabbing Crow’s face right there and then for a goodbye kiss. That would have definitely complicated things way past what either of them needed right then. Angela seemed to have some kind of news that was going to affect Crow, and so Ethan was just going to leave and make things as simple as possible.

He started down the hallway, looking at the generic dark black frames hanging with generic flower photos taken by someone in their second year of photography school. He tried to distract himself, but it wasn’t working. His mind was reeling, except it wasn’t all about Crow. He felt like he was walking on a cloud, and, in one quick second, that feeling completely disappeared and was replaced by a resounding sadness. One left behind by a loss so deep, Ethan was still coping with it.

Adam. He felt guilty for being that happy. The therapist had said it was important to allow himself to feel those things, to not harbor the guilt, but it was useless. Whatever the doctor told him would go in one ear and out the hole left in his chest. How could he be allowed to be happy when every moment was a thought of ‘oh, Adam would have loved this,’ or ‘me and Adam would be laughing about this for days,’ or, ‘Adam and I are never going to forget this day’.

Except Adam was gone. And it was all because of Ethan.

“Umpf.”

Ethan hadn’t even realized someone opened their room door. He didn’t notice until he was walking right into the guy, who also was apparently in a world of his own and striding out of his room like nothing was going to stop him.

“Shit. Sorry, Jordan.”

Ethan wasn’t in the mood to make pleasantries. He had quickly soured from the moment he left Crow’s to the second he bumped into Jordan. Two entirely different moods, and the one he was currently in was considerably more antagonistic. He went to keep on walking, but Jordan seemed to have different plans. He reached out and grabbed Ethan by the forearm. It wasn’t a hard grab, but it was definitely obtrusive. Ethan pulled back and stopped.

“So, you and Crow, huh?” Jordan’s expression was suggestive. “I’ve noticed you two over the past couple of weeks. You guys really connect.”

Ethan’s brows furrowed. “I’m not in the mood right now, Jordan.” It was true, Ethan didn’t want to stand in a badly-lit hallway with Jordan’s whiskey breath wafting in his direction.

“I just want to help,” Jordan said, his expression morphing. He curled a corner of his mouth, narrowing his eyes. “I’m just saying, it’s no secret I’ve had a crush on the guy for a while, but I think I’m over it, now. I think playing matchmaker between you two will really help nail that coffin shut.”

“I don’t need a matchmaker,” Ethan said, feeling unreasonably testy. From the sounds of it, Jordan wanted to help, but Ethan wasn’t having it.

“I get it. It’s weird hearing this from me, but I’m serious, I just want to help. I see the way he looks at you on the bus, the way he sings his songs toward you when he’s performing. The kid’s fucking smitten. And you’re not far behind, except… I do feel something holding you back. That’s why I was so forward at that rest stop, I wanted you to just let it all out.”

Ethan wasn’t sure if he could entirely believe what Jordan was saying. At the time, it had felt like Jordan was poking and prodding at Ethan so that he could crack in front of Crow. He remembered the look Jordan had given him from across the table. It was the look of a dog getting nervous that something bigger, more intimidating, was moving in on its territory. “I’m just ready to get back to my room and shower,” Ethan said, hoping he could end this.

“Wow, you and Crow must have gotten busy in that room.”

“Huh?”

“You two, I saw the both of you scurrying off to his room out of the elevator.”

Ethan nodded, wondering how rude it would be if he said goodbye and just turned and started walking. Thankfully, he didn’t have to find out because Jordan cut things off for the both of them.

“Ok,” he said, clapping his hands. He looked like he was going outside to spend time by the pool. “Well, if you reconsider, I’m here for some advice. I know he really likes the color blue and he has a weird thing for teacup pigs.”

That last bit actually got a chuckle from Ethan. It was one of those things that made you think ‘Of course Crow likes tiny pigs’.

“Thanks, Jordan,” he said, turning to walk the few more feet toward his room.

He really likes the color blue…

* * *

He turned the shower on, setting the temperature knob to the farthest it would go. He waited naked outside the shower until steam started to fog up the glass door. He reached in and lowered the setting, making the water a little cooler. He stepped in and let the hot water fall down on his back, feeling a good kind of sore from the massage. He washed his hair, feeling the warmth engulf from, letting the steam coat him. He felt good, safe.

He started to cry.

Ethan rarely cried. He felt as though he could count the times he had cried on two hands. These weren’t the kind of tears that came from a sad movie or a minor disappointment. These tears meant serious business. They were evacuating the emptiness that had formed inside him, consuming him over the past years. He kept picturing Adam smiling, beaming. His face lit like the sun during the midday afternoon. So bright and happy, and why wouldn’t he be? It was their wedding day. They were set to spend the rest of their lives together, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.

Until death do they part.