CHAPTER 21
THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE WORLD like the feeling of bass pumping against your brain, reverberating throughout your entire body. The fast and steady beat pulsed through me, entangling with the fiery alcohol, manipulating my limbs and looping my hips. The darkness of the dance floor was sporadically pierced with flashes of red, green, blue; a white spotlight flickered over glowing, sweat-dampened skin.
Gretchen’s petite figure moved against Graham Broderick while her eyes closed blissfully. A group of girls, who didn’t look old enough to drink alcohol and oh, I should check, but I just don’t want to leave, they stayed close to us, trying to cut in for a dance with the movie star.
I’d had a lot to drink, but it was hard to care. With the week I’d experienced, it was the best medicine. I’d already been all around the event, checking in with the necessary people and mingling with the guests, and now the party was in full swing. David’s non-presence was almost palpable to me, but the alcohol numbed the disappointment. It numbed the pain. It numbed everything.
Davena . . . . I blocked the name from my mind and focused on the music, letting it wipe everything in my head. Just then, someone bumped me, causing my glass to drop and shatter at my feet.
“Seriously?” I called after them. “I’ll be back,” I shouted to no one in particular. I squeezed my way off the dance floor, found a staff member to take care of it and had a new drink within minutes.
Drink in hand, I made my way around the party, stopping now and then to converse with the guests of honor and then going to check on Serena, who was firmly positioned at the front. On my way back, Beman motioned me over.
“I must say, I’m pleased with what you’ve done here, Liv. Not too over the top but a fine guest list. And how did you manage to get Graham Broderick? There are actually paparazzi out front,” he said giddily.
“Oh, he’s a mutual friend,” I said, waving my hand nonchalantly.
He nodded his head and grinned tightly. “Very nice. Keep up the good work.”
“Thanks,” I called as he sauntered away.
I headed out to the back balcony. I was in conversation with a Bachelorette when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
“Brian Ayers,” I exclaimed, wrapping him in a warm hug and planting a kiss on his cheek. “I’m so glad you could make it.”
“Hello, Olivia, thank you for the invite. Sorry I wasn’t here earlier.” He eyed my face, squinting at my cheek.
“No problem at all. You did miss my speech though,” I reprimanded.
“And for that I will be eternally sorry. Can I refresh your drinks?”
“Sure,” the Bachelorette piped. “He’s cute!” she whispered as he walked away. “He must be in the issue too. He’s too cute not to be. Is he gay? He is, isn’t he?” she cringed.
“No, no,” I smiled. “He’s straight and available.”
“Oh, goody!” she laughed, twirling a piece of auburn hair around her finger. “Because one time, I was flirting with this guy all night long, and I thought we were really hitting it off until someone finally told me . . . .” Her eyes changed just as I was hit with his presence. “Hi,” she said dumbly.
“Ladies.”
I looked up at David from the corner of my eye. His expression was smoother than his bristly jawline, and he smelled the way I imagined heaven might. I rolled my lips together to keep from gaping.
“Are you a Bachelor, too?” the girl asked. I peeked around him stealthily to search for his date.
He cleared his throat leisurely. “Can you give us a moment?”
“Oh, um, I’m waiting for a drink.”
“I’ll make sure you get your drink. Do you mind?”
I crossed my arms and tapped my finger against my forearm once she’d sulked away. “I’m surprised to see you here.”
“Are you?” he asked, taking a sip of something dark.
I looked away. “Yes. You said you wouldn’t come.”
“I said maybe.”
I paused. “I just didn’t think I’d see you again, at least not this soon. Where’s your date?”
“Why not? Because we had an argument?”
I glanced back at him. “An argument?” I squeezed my fingers into my arm. “That wasn’t an argument, that was a finale. With fireworks.”
“Not for me, it wasn’t.”
“Well it was for me,” I hissed softly, glancing around the balcony.
His back straightened then. “Brian Ayers,” he said, holding out his hand and clapping him on the back.
“Nice to see you, fellow Bachelor. Here you are, Olivia,” Brian said, awkwardly handing me a glass while balancing two others. David’s gaze darted between us, and his face darkened. Brian blew a piece of hair from his forehead and looked around. “Where’d she go?”
“She’s over there by the ice sculpture,” I said, pointing. We all looked and she waved. Brian held up the drink to her, and she came scurrying over.
“So aside from this speech, what did I miss?” he asked us both.
“Can’t say, I just arrived myself,” David said.
“Not too much, just a lot of dancing and miniature hamburgers.”
“I could definitely go for some food right now,” David said, rubbing his stomach.
“Didn’t you come from dinner?” I asked.
He shrugged. “I’m a growing boy.”
“Well, what’ve you got there, young man?” Brian teased, taking David’s drink from him. “Iced tea?” David snorted as Brian whiffed the drink and made a face. “Whiskey. That’s potent shit.” He shook his head and passed it back. “I’m a gin and tonic man, myself,” Brian said, putting a damp hand on my shoulder.
I tensed instinctively when his fingertips brushed against my neck. The look returned to David’s face with a blaring intensity, and it was beginning to make me uncomfortable.
“And how about that portrait, Miss Bacall? When are you going to let me take it? You’d look just right hanging in my gallery room.”
“Oh,” I blushed, looking into my drink. “I don’t think so.”
“Don’t get shy on me, Olivia. You have magnificent eyes, they really are unusual. The camera would love them. Aren’t they magnificent, David?”
“They are.” In those two words, his tone of voice said everything. His drink swirled in measured circles. He wore a charcoal grey V-neck sweater over a slate grey button down. It showed the knot of a matching tie, which he now loosened as his eyes burned into me. He made no effort to hide the fact that he was infuriated by Brian’s behavior. And it had my body utterly thrumming as a result. The way he looked at me, like he couldn’t control what might happen next, almost brought me to my knees.
“We had the most fateful meeting, David. It was like something out of a movie. This one was walking her dog and got tangled in the leash. It took off after some poor fluffball, and Olivia here fell flat on her ass. Luckily I was passing by and gave her a hand up.”
“How romantic.” Deadpan. Just like that: how romantic. With the obvious absence of the exclamation that should follow.
“It wasn’t my dog,” I started to explain but was cut off.
“Some party!” The woman accepted her drink and prattled on about something or other, I wasn’t listening. David was looking at me in that way, penetrating and lusty with a twist of somber, and I was suddenly remembering the seatbelt. The memory of his hand grazing my skin, so close to the hem of my skirt, made me shudder. He raised an eyebrow at me and discreetly adjusted his pants.
“What do you say, David?” Brian asked.
“Hmm?”
“About taking this nice young lady to see the view of the water. I don’t think she’s ever been this high up before.”
She giggled. “Yes - ”
“Run along, you two,” Brian said mirthfully.
Brian winked, and I caught the tail end of David’s glare. He stuck out his elbow and the woman took it, smiling with giddy abandon.
“I don’t know what’s up his ass,” Brian said once they were on their way, “but he needs a good lay, and he isn’t going to get it hanging out with us.”
“How long have you known him?” I asked, scowling spitefully after Ritz, my new nickname for the redheaded ditz.
“Years. A good man. One of the only guys in Chicago I get along with; the rest are bullshitters, Liv, don’t be fooled. May I call you Liv? It feels so natural.”
“Of course.”
“Enough about Dylan, though. Should I be worried about the monstrosity on your face? I admit you did a nice job of covering it up. Perhaps I need to throw down the gauntlet, though?”
I laughed. “No, it’s all taken care of. I prefer not to discuss it, however.”
“Very well, I trust you. So I know you have the scoop on the ladies here, fill me in. That one wasn’t my type, not very bright. Seems much better suited to Dylan.” I bit my cheek at the comment. “Who do you suggest? I need a girl like you, smart and beautiful, but edgy too. Come on, I know you’re a little wild,” he said when I started to protest. “Look at you in your leather dress.” I couldn’t help but laugh before breaking down the guest list.
“And, you know, my best girlfriend is here, she’s a real catch, but she came with someone.” I looked around the room and pointed her out to him. David, standing on the opposite balcony with his back to us, caught my eye.
“And you say she’s clever?”
“She is, though she might try to fool you,” I said distractedly. I sent Gretchen a text, telling her to come over alone. I could see David’s profile now through the glass, and he was laughing with the woman. To my surprise, they seemed to be enjoying themselves. Well, I thought, looking back at Brian. A real matchmaker.
“Hey!”
“Gretch, this is my friend Brian, one of our Bachelors.”
“Oh yes, I’m aware,” she said with a killer smile. “I’ve already had Liv fill me in on the best attendees.”
Brian laughed boisterously. “You know, I just had her do the same for me.”
“He did,” I confirmed. “I’m a good friend, don’t forget it.”
“And why aren’t you in the feature, Gretchen?”
“I was a couple years back.”
“Funny, I think I would have remembered.”
While they got acquainted, I checked for David again, but neither him nor the woman were anywhere in sight. I shifted uncomfortably in my shoes, rising slightly onto the balls to get a better view.
“I’ll be back,” I told them. “Listen, I need him single until June so don’t get any ideas, G.”
I reentered the ballroom, looking for Lucy but hoping I might spot David and reassure myself that he wasn’t hitting on Ritz. I stopped in my tracks when I was met with the unpleasant image of him handing her a drink with one hand, as his other hand rested on her back. Is that his type? Redhead, curvy and reeking of desperation? At least Maria was in his league. I bemoaned the fact that I had actually selected her as one of Chicago’s most date-worthy singles. How could I argue with my own taste?
I pounded the remainder of my drink and plunked it on the nearest table. I turned to leave when I saw two arguing guys in the corner almost knock over a table. “Hey!” I yelled, running over to them. “Stop! What are you doing?”
“No worries, babe, we’re just fucking around,” replied a young, stocky blond.
“Who are you here with?”
“We used to work in the restaurant downstairs, so we snuck in.”
“Dude, shut up,” the other one said. They burst into laughter. “What’s your name? You’re hot,” he said, his eyes slightly bleary. One of us was swaying, but I couldn’t be sure whom.
“You guys aren’t supposed to be here. I have to throw you out,” I said. They were on the verge of belligerent, and I decided that they might be better suited to a dank club somewhere far from here.
“Hang on,” the blond said, moving to block my way. “Let’s get a drink. I’ll buy.”
“No,” I said, deciding it wasn’t worth it to point out that the drinks were free.
“Come on,” he pleaded. “What’s your name?” My eyes darted around him, searching for security. He looked at me expectantly and sniffed.
“Liv,” I said distractedly.
“What is it?” the friend asked.
“Liz,” replied the blond.
“Liz, where’s your drink?” he asked, not bothering to hide his slurring. “Didn’t this asshole offer to buy you one?”
“I’m good,” I yelled. “But seriously, you guys have to go.”
“Lighten up, babe! You need a drink. Let’s go,” the friend said, laying a heavy arm over my shoulders. I moved to lift it off, suddenly reliving Mark’s hands on me.
“Let me go,” I yelled.
“What?” he asked into my ear, causing me to wince. “You’re not leaving are you? I’m going to get you a drink.”
“And I’m going to get security if you guys don’t leave. This is a private party.”
“No, no, no dude, don’t get security,” he said, tightening his grip.
“Please, get off!”
“Huh?”
“She said get OFF!” I looked up just in time to see David yank the guy’s arm from me and twist it before throwing him into the wall. He positioned himself in front of me and towered over the stocky blond, whose face flashed with a new alertness. “What the fuck don’t you understand about get off?” he yelled, pushing him into the friend.
“David?” I called in shock.
The friend yelled something, holding up his palms, but I couldn’t hear over the music. They hurried away and ran right into security.
David had regained his bearing and was now towering over me. “You need to start paying more attention to - ”
“What are you doing?” I sizzled. “I can take care of myself.”
“Clearly you can’t,” he shot back. “Those guys - ”
“Were completely harmless!”
“You don’t know that.”
“You know what? Forget it – I’m leaving,” I said, pivoting on my heel.
“Hang on,” he started, but I spun around to cut him off.
“Stay here. Enjoy the party.” I couldn’t help casting an obvious glance at Ritz, who was biting her nails by the bar where he’d left her. “You shouldn’t have any problems meeting someone,” I muttered, craning my neck to locate Lucy.
“Someone like Brian Ayers? There’s a match made in heaven.”
I paused. “What business is it of yours? I like him.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t think he was your type.”
“I don’t have a type, David. I’m married.”
He took a step closer and the thrumming returned; only now it gave way to a full body vibration as he stared down at me. “So you keep saying. I’m beginning to wonder if you flirt with all of them the way you flirt with me.”
I balled my hands into fists on each side of me. “Again, not that it’s any of your business, but I was trying to set him up. In fact, he’s over there talking to Gretchen right now.” Even though I was making no secret of my irritation, I’d lost his focus. He was looking at one of my hands, which I now realized was nervously playing with the hem of my dress. “And I don’t.”
“Don’t?” he repeated, riveted as my fingertips grazed against my bare thigh.
I lowered my voice and rasped, “Flirt with them. Flirt with anyone, actually, the way I flirt with you.” He blinked from my hand to my eyes. I had his attention now. “Goodnight, David.”
“Goodnight?”
“I’m going to say good-bye to everyone.”
“Olivia,” he commanded, but I was already leaving. Damn you and your orders, I thought. It takes every ounce of my willpower to ignore them. “Stop running away.”
I turned around to find him one step behind me. “Leave me alone, David,” I whispered as calmly as possible.
“No,” he said, lightly grasping the wrist of the hand he’d been tracking.
“Don’t touch me,” I said, withdrawing. His touch was too intense, and I didn’t know what it would take to send me over the edge. I searched the room for an escape, deciding to forgo the formalities. I ended up at the elevator bank, impatiently punching the button.
“What – where are you going?” David asked my back.
“Home. Just go back to the party, David.” When he didn’t budge, I bolted for the service stairwell. I burst through the door and jumped when it slammed against the wall. I rushed down a flight of stairs and just stopped myself from turning back for my coat.
“Olivia!” he called from above. I held my purse to my breast as I rushed down the steps.
“Leave me alone,” I called over my shoulder. My heart leapt when I felt his unmistakable hand on my arm. He was damn near impossible to outrun.
“Stop! I’m not letting you run away. Are you mad at me? And where is your coat?”
I whirled around to face him as we stood on the landing, shivering from the stark surroundings and from the emotions that were beginning to escape. “Am I – am I mad?” I asked, seething. “What do you think?”
“Is it about this afternoon?”
“No. Y-yes – it’s about everything! Why are you here? I thought this was done.”
“I tried, believe me I did.”
“Tried what?”
“To stay away,” he said steadily. “I tried to stay away, but I can’t.” He glanced down at his feet, kicking at something that wasn’t there. When he looked up again, his eyes were blazing. “Spend the night with me.”
The breath flushed from my lungs, leaving me cross-eyed with lust. I could almost hear my body vibrating now, so coiled with desire that I knew I would snap if he touched me. “Why, so you can humiliate me again? Toss me aside like day-old garbage?”
“What are you talking about?” he asked roughly.
I watched him closely. “I don’t understand. Is this some sort of game for you? You pushed me away in Lucy’s office and then told me you never wanted to see me again. That you were finished with me. And now suddenly you want me?” A fluorescent light flickered somewhere above us, as though it were channeling my anger.
“Jesus, Olivia, is that what you thought? I left you that night because there was too much on the line, not because I didn’t want you. I was afraid of pushing you into something you might regret. But Olivia, you make it so fucking impossible,” he said, pleading up to the ceiling. His breathing was ragged and he looked back at me with stormy eyes. “I can’t be around you anymore because you drive me crazy every second of the day.” He ran both hands through his hair. “Fuck, if I don’t distance myself from you, I’m going to lose my sanity.”
I gulped in a shaky breath. The past few weeks had definitely been a test of my sanity.
“And when I ended things, you just took it, you didn’t even care. Just let me walk out. Tell me you care Olivia, and that I’m not completely delusional.”
“You know I can’t,” I whispered. How could he think I didn’t? It was oozing from my pores all the time, how much I wanted to touch him, how much I thirsted for his attention.
“Then show me.”
“What do you want from me, David?” I cried. “You expect me to jeopardize everything, ev-ery-thing, for . . . for what?” I exclaimed, my voice bouncing off the empty walls. “Sex? My marriage, my work, my friends . . . . My marriage!” I swayed slightly as I yelled, at the mercy of the alcohol that ran through me. “I can’t do it, David!”
“Olivia. How many times do I have to say it? Did you hear a word I just said? It’s not like that and you know it,” he intoned calmly, which only made me feel more hysterical.
“Oh, okay,” I said wryly, sweat forming on my nape despite the cold. “Where’s your date, David? Did she stand you up? Is that why you’re here now, in this stairwell? To see if I’ll fuck you?” I stepped up to him, coming right under his chin, my temper flaring and my thighs burning. “Well what’s stopping you, David? Why not take me now? I bet you don’t even have the decency to bring me upstairs.” I put as much venom as I could into the words and they felt bitter leaving my mouth.
“So help me God, Olivia,” he whispered, stepping back infinitesimally and locking his hands under his armpits. “Don’t test me. That date was over before it had begun, thanks to you,” he replied. “And I know what you’re doing. I know you’re afraid.”
“Afraid?” I cried, gesturing wildly. “Afraid of losing everything, yes!”
“You’re afraid of this. I am too. I want - ”
“Stop!” I shouted, covering my ears. “This has to stop,” I said. “Why won’t you stop?”
“Olivia, listen to me,” he said, crossing his arms tighter across his chest. His face became calm as he took a deep breath. “I am afraid. I have never touched a married woman. You might not believe me, but this has been hard for me too because it goes against all of my beliefs. My parents, who are my world, have been happily married for thirty-seven years, and I would kill anyone who tried to come between them. But it’s nothing compared to keeping it inside. I can’t hide it like you. And if I honestly thought he was the right person for you, I would walk away right now.” My heartbeat pounded in my stomach, reverberating throughout my body as he paused. “I have real and deep feelings for you and . . . I want to be with you.”