CHAPTER 22
I want to be with you.
“How can you say that?” I asked, incredulous but no longer yelling. “You barely know me. You have Maria, yet you see other women. You’re Chicago’s bachelor of the goddamn year. Everything you’ve said tonight, they’re just words and they don’t mean anything. Just give up already.”
“No.”
“You know what, at the end of the day David, you’re a player,” I spat, “and you want what you can’t have.”
“You think I can’t have you?” He stepped back into me.
“Wait,” I said, panicked.
“Is that what you think?” he asked, leaning a little closer. “I don’t think so. I want you. And I think you want me too.” He didn’t wait, like I’d asked. He was upon me in a moment, consuming me with a hard, open-mouth kiss that tasted of thick whiskey and sex. The warmth of his hands on my arms spread through me. He whipped off his jacket, never taking his lips from mine, and wrapped me in it, so that I was drowning in him, in a mossy blend of pine and aged leather.
“Show me you care, Olivia,” he breathed. “I need it. I need you,” he said softly into my ear, kissing the spot beneath it that made my knees buckle. Feather light kisses along my jawbone lit chills over my body, and he stopped at my lips. He stilled there, as I became painstakingly aware of the empty feeling between my legs that I wanted him to fill.
I looked into his eyes, and for a moment, everything else fell away. He took away the pain, all the things that hurt, and that I could never say out loud. Brown eyes pleaded with me to let him take over, to let him ease the hurt.
He squeezed my arms mightily, reminding me with a flex of strength that if he wanted, he could take me whether I agreed or not. “Show me, Olivia, I need you, only you.”
“I – I . . . ,” I breathed onto him, desperation for him filling me to the brim. The instant I surrendered to it, he engulfed me in a primal kiss that was all mouth, saliva, lips and teeth.
Our hands, for the first time, explored each other furiously. He slid his hands under the jacket and let the softness of his cashmere sweater thaw my skin. His fingers traveled behind my neck, over my shoulders and along my arms. They grazed the crease of my ass as his hands bunched my leather dress. They pulled me against a hard erection, but I was already moving past them, tugging his shirt from his pants, reaching underneath, touching his firm stomach; oh, how I had longed to know what his skin would feel like beneath my fingertips. He withdrew suddenly, ripping me from my adulation.
“This isn’t right,” he said.
“What?” I asked with breathless shock.
“Come upstairs with me,” he pleaded. He wrapped me up again and put his lips against the curve of my neck. My face burned deliciously from his stubble and only more of it would soothe the sting. “Come upstairs,” he whispered. My eyes rolled up to the ceiling as if the answer might be written there.
Before I could respond, pulling me down the second half of the stairs by my hand. I tried desperately to match his long strides, almost breaking into a run behind him.
David hit the ‘Up’ button when we’d reached the floor below. He slid his hand under the jacket that hung from me, sternly placing it on my shoulder as though I might try to run.
I opened my mouth to protest – say something, anything – but I was heady from the hand fastened to me and from the intoxicating, overwhelming scent of him. And then he looked down, comforting me with his eyes and his nearness. “You’re so beautiful,” he said, as though to remind me of it.
The elevator doors parted and David guided me inside with another couple. He swiped his card to the penthouse and we stood at two separate corners during the ascent. My mind raced faster than I could keep up. Now’s the time, I thought. Say something, Olivia! Stop this! The elevator charged with tension and the people in front of us exchanged a knowing look.
I opened my mouth again . . . He was a wall of exquisite beauty, his hands tentatively rubbing his brow and then pushing through his obsidian hair. He frowned, and then exhaled, and then frowned again, all the while watching the numbers rise, glancing at the couple in front of us, and then letting his eyes drift to me. His expression was pained; not just lustful or wanton, but pained and yet . . . adoring, as though I were finally his, something he’d finally acquired after a lifetime of longing. These were the things I thought I saw, they were what occupied my thoughts during the fateful elevator ride. With him, it didn’t take much; it was easy, it was right, it was as it should be.
He wasted not a moment, but pulled me to him once we were alone again. Voracious lips locked on mine as his hand found the hem of my dress. Stiff leather crackled audibly in the silence of the elevator, diminished only by the treasonous moan that escaped my lips when his rough hand moved against the soft skin of my inner thigh. Suddenly he was moving me backward out of the elevator, and somewhere in the distance, bells chimed or keys jingled.
Inside the apartment, he shut the door and leaned his forehead against it for a weighty moment. He didn’t bother with the lights, just turned to me in the dark. I was sobered by his stare, and the gravity of the situation began to set in; after this there would be no turning back.
I took a step back, just enough for him to notice. He reached out, but I shook my head. “I can’t do this,” I said, but my voice wavered. “I don’t know how to do this.” I could barely form the sentence, due to an all-consuming desire. “David,” I pleaded breathily, asking him in that one word to have the strength I couldn’t.
He wet his lips and paced toward me, forcing me back into the wall like a scared kitten. He slipped the jacket off, brushing his hands against my arms, so it fell in a heap onto the floor. His immense body trapped mine against the wall when he placed his hands on both sides of my head. I’d been pinned to the wall not long before, and I’d been terrified. This time was different. This time, there was nowhere else I wanted to be. Regardless, I ignored my body’s impulse to submit. “I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” I repeated softly, shifting from foot to foot and glancing at the door. I willed myself to move.
Carefully, he reached down, encircled my wrists with each of his hands, pulled me forward and, with an unrelenting grip, quickly folded them behind my back, pinning me against the wall, stilling my body with his. “I have to leave,” I said.
“So leave.” I began to resist, thrashing against his hard body. I realized that this time, instead of walking away, he intended to fight against me, to fight for me. My arousal amplified rapidly from being bound by his hands, helpless in his grip.
My chin quivered, and I shook my head, lightly at first and then harder. His head was pulled back so his mouth hovered above mine, and I turned away from him, trying to focus on the door across the room. “Olivia,” he whispered thickly into my ear, the hairs of his cheek tickling mine. Nothing rivaled hearing my name on his lips. I yearned for the burn of his face on mine. I wanted this, I couldn’t deny, but I also knew that it was irreversible.
I stubbornly kept my head turned toward the door, knowing that one look into his eyes would be my undoing. Shifting my wrists firmly into the grasp of his left hand, he reached up with the other and slowly dug his fingers into my hair. My breathing grew shallow as he slid each bobby pin from its designated place and dropped it, chiming as it hit the floor. My hair fell plentifully around, me and he tucked a handful behind my ear, exposing my neck. His hands were callous as he gripped my chin, turning me to him. With the gentleness of a saint, he kissed my wound and drew back to look at me.
I gasped as he pushed his pelvis against me insistently. He leaned in, our mouths all hot air and desire while he tempted me, but was careful not to let our lips touch. I squirmed in response but he waited, patiently asking me to make my final decision.
I twisted my hands and he released them, standing back slightly so that we were no longer touching. I lifted my palm and flattened it tenderly against his heart, feeling the buttons through his sweater.
I closed my eyes for a short moment. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. A look of agony crossed his face before I balled the fabric in my fist and pulled him to me, slowly raising my mouth to his. For one precise second that we contacted, we sighed into each other, and then he was wrenching me from the wall. His hands reached beneath my thighs and lifted me effortlessly so my legs wrapped around his waist.
He kissed me hard as we moved, and I furiously undid his tie before being thrown on the bed. Our mouths reconnected as I landed into fluffy down, and my shoe hit the floor with a loud thud. We ground into each other with fiery need until he sat back to pull off his shirt. I took in, for the first time, the perfectly formed muscles that pushed and pulled with every movement. He was lean and muscular, hard but graceful.
Those muscled arms imprisoned me against the mattress allowing me to run shaking hands along a coarse, marble chest. I leaned up into his earthiness, inhaling a heady pine scent a second before he reattached his mouth to my lips. Greedily, my hands ran over his warm, naked skin, relishing the firm muscles that detained me.
He pulled the dress over my hips and disconnected from me. With a glance down, he groaned at the white lace panties glowing against my skin. His fingertips hooked under the elastic and I exhaled into his mouth. They dragged along my skin, sending me into soft convulsions. I bucked against his hand reflexively as his fingers reached beneath the lace to find me slick with longing. I bit his lip softly when he slid a finger along me. Clumsily, I pulled at his belt buckle until it gave. Metal struck the floor when I threw it, ringing through the room.
“You think for one second,” he said hoarsely between kisses, taunting me with his finger, “that I haven’t wondered what it would feel like,” he paused, rubbing me harder, “to be inside of you, since the moment I laid eyes on you?”
I moaned as his words brought me to a new level of arousal. Scorching eyes fixed on me as he stood and speedily unbuttoned his pants, stepping out of his clothing in one graceful movement. His erection was impossibly big, and the thought of taking all of him inside me sent a ripple of heat up my aching body to my face.
He impatiently pulled at his socks and hopped away, leaving me panting, before returning barefoot with a condom.
Disappointment flooded me. “I’m on birth control.”
“Trust me, there’s nothing I want more . . .” He leaned over the bed and planted a kiss on my pout. “But we have to be extra careful.”
I nodded, waiting with my hair fanned out beneath me, lustily watching him affix the condom.
He took my arms and tugged me to him, reaching back and unzipping the length of my dress. He drew a sharp breath. “No bra,” he commented approvingly, before lifting it over my head. I sat before him with drawn knees, hugging my arms to me. He unfolded them, drinking in my naked body. “You’re incredible,” he whispered. His fingers crooked into the elastic of my panties again, and I lifted up as he pulled lightly, dragging them over my bent knees and down to my ankles, where they fell to the floor.
He was pushing me back onto the mattress, and his tongue ravaged my mouth; I pushed back, letting my teeth nip at his bottom lip. He let his weight cover my quivering body as he slid his arms underneath, pinning me to him. His hips moved against me, and his kiss matched their hastening pace. I became even wetter under his control; he was so maddeningly rigid against the inside of my thigh, rubbing his length up me, sliding along my opening before hitting my clit. I thrust upward when I could no longer take it, opening my legs wider, steepling them for him.
“David,” I exhaled. “Please, David,” I begged. “I can’t . . . I can’t take it.”
He eagerly spread my legs further apart with his, and bared me to him. He reached between us and deftly inserted the tip of himself into me.
“Oh, Olivia,” he growled, looking to the ceiling in pleasure. “You’re so wet. So ready.”
“Please.” My voice was high-pitched, impatient to fill the endless ache.
He moved onto his elbows, and I let a small sound escape as he eased into me, pushing himself all the way in. I breathed in sharply as he exhaled. I clenched the sheets beneath me in unforgiving fists. My walls molded around him, and he felt like heaven inside me. It was what I’d been missing all this time.
I didn’t know how my face looked in that moment of pure bliss, but he whispered, “Are you okay?” We remained that way, momentarily immobilized by the sensation, until I managed a quick nod.
His breath quickened as he sought my mouth, kissing me as though it were the last thing he would ever do; it was needy, tender and fast all at once. “Hang on to me,” he instructed.
He pulled out almost entirely and drove inside of me with a guttural groan. I gripped his arms and had only a second to wrap my legs around him before he thrust again, wrapping me up into his rhythm. His pace accelerated quickly, giving me exactly what I wanted and more than I knew I needed. Within seconds he was mercilessly driving into me over and over, yes yes yes, he moaned as though he were reading my thoughts. He reached for my hair and yanked it, bowing my head to allow him access to my mouth as we fucked.
Our bodies moved greedily after months of built-up tension. I cried out brokenly at his relentless thrusting, muttering inaudibly as warmth began to build within me. My orgasm mounted swiftly and without mercy, pulling me into a world I’d never been.
He kissed that perfectly sensitive spot behind my ear, and I licked and sucked the wet saltiness of his neck. He whisked my forearms above my head in an iron grip, pushing them into the mattress. Firm hands skated along my skin and intertwined our fingers, squeezing them as the thrusts came more and more frantically. “Oh God, you are so beautiful, open up for me, baby,” he rasped.
Thoughts of opening and closing, inadequacy and flaws began to rush over me. Here I was, underneath the most beautiful man in the world, and I was certain he was the answer to questions I’d stopped asking long ago. Could I do it for David? Warmth receded as I gave into the anxiety, knowing that I was too flawed, even for him.
“Hey,” I heard and opened my eyes, not realizing I’d been squeezing them shut. “Come back,” he said, never breaking our rhythm. “Come on Olivia, come back to me. Look at me,” he instructed. I met his eyes as he moved into me, slightly slower but with more force. The change in momentum had me gasping for air and the heat rekindled, drawing me into him. “Olivia,” he moaned with such intense need that I moaned back at him. My legs pulled him closer, urging him deeper.
“That’s it baby, oh God, that’s it,” he said, picking up his pace again and never losing eye contact.
“Yes, David,” I cried suddenly. My bloodless fingertips tingled in his grasp, and my thighs began to shake with the force of an impending explosion. He kissed me with the same amount of force, giving me the push I needed to surrender.
“Let go, baby, let go,” he uttered against my lips. Holding onto the edge, I instinctually constricted myself around him. “Oh fuck, Olivia,” he shouted, and I lost control. My entire body seared with fire and the world went white around me. I gave myself over to the first blissful wave of pleasure that ripped through me as he called my name over and over, coming fast and hard with me.
~
I didn’t know how long we had lain there. When I fell back to earth, I found our breathing had synced. As our fingers were still linked, he was still inside of me, securing his collapsed weight to me.
Just as I began to doze, he drew back and smoothed his hands over my hairline, brushing the strands from my face. “Mmm, Olivia.” He kissed the place the hair had been, then my cheek and my neck, lingering with each contact. “I have never,” he whispered into my neck, “never come that fast. You drive me wild,” he breathed. I felt my face redden at the admission and bit my lip shamefully.
Gently, he reached down to pull out of me. He threw the condom on the ground and sat back on his knees. The world slowed when I sat up to face him. A heavy pit formed in my stomach as we watched one another, and the scope of what had happened hit me violently. Oh my God. What have I done?
I looked down at my naked body, examining my adulterous hands. My face contorted as tears threatened. I shook my head and covered my face, trying desperately to hide from him what was coming. “No,” I whispered into myself.
“Olivia,” David’s voice begged. I lifted myself from the bed, wanting only to run away, but fell to the ground as my shaky legs buckled beneath me.
“No,” I wailed. “What have I done?” My entire body shuddered with sobs as I curled myself over my knees. Tears spilled from my hands and disappeared on the floor. The coarse wood dug into my skin, and it gave when David stepped down to grasp my folded hips with his immense hands. He lifted me up and turned me to him, hugging me tight as I shook.
“I’m here,” he whispered feverishly. “Let me in, let me help.”
“You can’t.” Despair squeezed my chest, making its way up to my throat. “I don’t know what you think you see in me but I’m not that.”
He placed his hands on both sides of my head and guided it back gently, clearing the hair from my tear-streaked face. “I see a girl who wants to let go.”
His words struck something buried deep inside, and I shook my head harder, stepping back without breaking eye contact. “I’m not that. I don’t want that,” I said, pressing my palm forcefully against my chest. “I’m black inside, David, you don’t understand. There’s nothing there to give, I’m too fucked up. And you, oh God, you’re so beautiful.” The confession knocked the breath from me as the words pulsated through my body. I trembled under his loosened grip. He was drawing out my closely guarded secrets, charming them from me like poisonous snakes.
David looked equally horrified. I didn’t know what to see in the way he looked at me. I only knew that I had finally managed to drive him away, but not soon enough.
The damage was already done.