Chapter 8 (Breslin)
I look out the plane window and groan as Kit continues to tell me all about how wrong it was for me to end things with Landon before I left.
I seriously regret being nice and letting Becca borrow my only pair of headphones now. I glance over at her bopping her head along to the music while Kit rambles on and on about how I keep letting Asher Holden ruin everything good in my life and how I need to take the control back.
She even went as far as to make a pro and con list. Well, her version of one anyway because all the pros were on Landon's side and the cons were on Asher's.
It was a futile attempt though, because I already know better than anyone what a virus Asher is—one that contaminates and surrounds my heart like a force field, restricting anything good from entering and preventing any of the bad from dissipating.
And Landon...he's everything Asher's not. He's safe, sensible, and sweet. Not wild, reckless, and an overall asshole like Asher.
Landon gave me back the butterflies I once thought were dead.
He was like a jump start straight to my heart, awakening things within me I thought were long gone.
Landon is good for me, healthy even.
And I know, it was stupid of me to let him go, but I had to. Because until I find a way to let Asher and all of our memories go for good...he's going to continue dominating my every waking thought.
And Landon deserves more than that.
He deserves a girl who doesn't need a safety net with love like I do. A girl who could go all in, no holds barred because she isn't still nursing all her painful wounds from the past.
He deserves a whole heart...not half.
Because try as I might to forget him...that other half will always belong to someone else. Someone who doesn't even deserve it.
I wasn't just in love with Asher...I was obsessed with him. He'd walk in a room—and while people around me would reek of envy because of who he was—every nerve in my body orbited into a different dimension. My heart and brain would fizzle and I'd hold my breath with every step he'd take toward me. I was so in love with him, he made me downright certifiable.
He was my fixation, my neurosis...and ultimately, my demise.
Because there's no recovery from a love like that.
Or a heartbreak.
You'd think my infatuation with him would have let me see all the signs. The crash that was bound to be my undoing.
And no matter how many times I go over it in my head, it never gives me the clarity that I'm seeking. It only makes the overwhelming self-doubt and this feeling that I'm not good enough slink into my innermost thoughts until I'm drowning in it.
And yet...no matter how many times I try to convince myself that what we had wasn't real...some part deep inside me swears that it was.
And that right there is what tethers me to him after all these years. That and this violent need I have to make him pay for hurting me so much.
“I can't believe I'm about to say this,” Kit says, digging around for something in her purse. “But maybe you should reach out to him. Get some kind of closure for once and all so you can finally move on.”
My stomach flips just as the wheels on the plane touch the runway. The captain makes an announcement over the loudspeaker but I don't hear a word of it.
“No,” I say sharper than I intended and Kit makes a face.
There's no way in hell I could ever see what Asher was up to...because once I lit that match and gave in?
There would be a fire. An irrational, obsessed fire that couldn't be contained. It's why I avoided social media altogether and avoided googling him like the plague for all these years.
I don't need to see where he ended up and trek down that bleak tunnel of doom with no light at the end.
The captain makes another announcement and I switch my phone off airplane mode. Something I almost regret doing when I see two texts from Landon pop up on my screen. One wishing me a safe flight and the other telling me to call him so we can talk.
Sadness crawls up my spine until it stomps on my heart. I want nothing more than to respond to Landon...take back ending things with him.
But there's no way I can give him those things until I can figure out what the first step toward giving him what I so badly want to is.
I clutch my carry on to my chest and take a deep breath.
Because...maybe...just maybe the first step starts here. In a different country, far away from my past and my present.
My heart is going to let go of Asher for good and give Landon every damn part of me that he deserves before my three weeks are up, I decide.
No more of this downward spiral. I'm going to force my heart to choose a final destination by the time my feet land on Woodside's soil again.
I walk over to the luggage terminal where the rest of my classmates are already gathered and I smile the biggest of smiles.
Something big is going to happen during these three weeks.
I can feel it.