Chapter 11 (Asher)
My forehead hits the cold tile of the bathroom and I close my eyes. I've never had a panic attack before, but I'm pretty sure I'm having one of the worst ones in the history of panic attacks right now.
If they were handing out trophies for horrible first impressions today, that honor would sure as shit go to me.
I didn't mean to hook up with those two girls. Well, not exactly. I mean, of course I wanted to...once it was already in motion.
But it wasn't desire that was behind it originally.
It was determination and resolve.
It was indignity.
A mere 15 seconds after I entered my first public place on campus, and already a few people—mostly guys who were into sports—were starting to recognize me. I could hear the whispers and the murmurs behind my back. The names they were calling me.
I pulled a hat out of my gym bag and kept my head down, deciding to go to the library early. I figured no one there would recognize me. Least of all the two scantily clad girls talking and giggling by a bookshelf.
They eyed me up and down and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. It felt good to be in my element again.
That is until the faintest trace of recognition lit up the brunette's face and she whispered to her friend. She wasn't that quiet, though, because I heard her tell her friend about the video that went viral.
“You know, you're really hot,” One of them, because fuck if I can remember their names, purred. “Too bad that big dick of yours doesn't like girls, because we could really show you a good time...together.”
They giggled again and called me a homo before they dismissed me entirely—like I was the equivalent of a smashed bug on their expensive shoes—before they went back to their conversation.
Shame rose up my throat, threatening to strangle me.
I was tired of being treated like a second-class citizen because of the leaked video and my sexual preferences. I also wanted to shove my dick down their throats in order to make them both shut the hell up for good.
And so I decided to turn on the Holden charm. Less than a minute later, they were practically putty in my hands when I told them to meet me in the back of the library where I would take them up on their offer.
What I didn't expect was to come face to face with my tutor—who ended up being the clumsy guy I'd met only minutes before—when I was a second away from coming down their throats.
The strangest thing is? It wasn't either of those girls who got me off in the end.
It was looking at him. Him with his cute little glasses and open mouth, gaping at me in shock and hell, maybe even a bit of admiration.
And while it wasn't love at first sight or any of that bullshit—it was certainly attraction.
He looked so conservative and sheltered it had my cock and mouth dying to do things to him he'd never forget.
It had me dying to make him do things to me that he'd never forget.
Every cell in my body wanted to corrupt the hell out of him.
Well, at least until I found out that the adorable nerd...was my new tutor and TA.
It was like a record skipping. Everything came to an abrupt halt.
Especially when one of the girls begged him not to report us and I realized how much trouble I might get in.
I wasn't lying to him when I told him I was trying to get my shit together...and him reporting me would have possibly put me in a bad position with the coach. Something I couldn't afford to have happen.
Luckily, my new tutor wasn't that much of a monumental and uptight asshole. He seemed like he might even be cool...for a nerd.
And then I went and did the worst thing of all...I inadvertently propositioned him. Because not only was I attracted to him...but that's the type of shit I was used to, thanks to Kyle.
I'd encountered years upon years of doing things to him and for him, not out of attraction, but coercion...and I don't think I realized just how fucked up it made me until that moment.
The moment where Landon was looking at me like I was insane for offering to possibly suck him off if it meant him not telling a soul about what happened.
The moment where I felt judged, because tutor or not, blackmail or not— I was attracted to him on some level, and I wasn't sure what to do about that because I'd only ever pursued women before and I only had the Kyle situation to go by when it came to guys.
So that was my fucked up way of testing the waters. Because I didn't know any different.
The look on his face and the disgusted shudder he tried to suppress told me all I needed to know. And instantly, I was reminded of the thing deep inside me that I can't ignore.
I'll never be able to change who I am and the fact that I'm sexually attracted to both girls and guys.
Therefore, I'll always be talked about and made fun of. I'll never fit in anywhere.
And with the exception of the nights filled with the friction of hips and secret moans in the dark—I'm going to end up alone.
Women will always be uncomfortable because I like dick, and men will never trust me because I also like pussy.
And the one person I loved more than anything in this world—the person I miss so much that I swear I can actually hear all the shattered pieces clanking together with every fucked up beat of my heart...
I lost. Forever.
And I need her so badly right now.
I need my Breslin so fucking much, I'd do anything and give up everything just to have her again.
I need her to hold me and love me. I need her to look at me like I'm the most important thing in this world.
I need to feel her love and our connection, because it's the only time I've ever felt like someone actually gave a shit about the real me.
I need her to hold my hand just like she used to, because she's my calm and my shelter in the most fucked up of storms.
Tears threaten to spring to my eyes, and I'm a second away from going off the deep end and losing it completely—but I turn the faucet on, dip my head under the water, and force myself to get my goddamn shit together.
I'm not a pussy. No matter where I put my dick, I'm still a fucking Holden. Fuck what people say about my sexuality. Fuck if they don't understand.
I might not have anything real ever again, but I can have a life filled with dirty fantasies and getting off whenever I want.
And maybe if I work my ass off, I can still play football. I can still live my dream.
And hell, maybe this Landon guy isn't so bad after all. He didn't report me, and he didn't resort to bribery or give in to those girls, even though he could have.
Maybe Woodside can be a good thing for me, because Kyle and his blackmail can't get to me here. Not if I stay strong and never let anyone see me break.
Words and actions are only powerful if you let them penetrate you, if you let people see that they are getting to you.
As long as I never let these people at Woodside see me sweat, I'm indestructible.
These people will never destroy me. Because I won't let them.
At least, that’s what I tell myself, until I walk back out to meet Landon...and see what he's watching on his laptop.
I see the contempt and judgment in his eyes as he sits there...watching the video.
I feel my armor start to crack before Kyle's tentacles wrap around my neck, squeezing.
Letting me know there's no escape for me.