Chapter Seventeen
Leo
I gazed up at the ceiling, mourning my freedom. Dani lay in my arms, her hair splayed over my naked chest, her fingers tracing lazy circles on my abs. It’d been nine weeks since I escaped death row and eight since Attwood and his crew were taken down. I was still in the same damn cabin, still guilty of a crime I did not commit.
Dani’s relationship with her dad was strained as ever, she still cried daily, she still fought for me. I’d lost. Prison was all I could look forward to. Dani had to accept that. Life on the run wasn’t living. I’d been holed up in a cabin for nine weeks, not even able to visit a shop in case I’m recognised.
Ramirez offered us to cash to get out of the country. I refused. Dani had a life here, she had Schilling, his wife, her work. If I ripped her away from it all, what would remain but me and a life of uncertainty? Always looking over our shoulders, waiting for the day I’m finally caught. Justice catches everyone.
“What are you thinking?” She breathed, gazing up at me with those gorgeous soft brown eyes of hers.
“Not much.”
What could I think about other than prison? There was nothing else on the horizon for me. My mother hadn’t heard from me since Maria visited her. Dani bumped into Theo in the market a week after the whole case blew up, he told her my mom was on meds for anxiety. She wasn’t eating or sleeping, she’d dropped twenty pounds and left the church. My family were in stasis, waiting on a knife edge for my re-capture.
If I ran that feeling would ease slightly but it would never go completely. They’d always be waiting, it would eat away at them, shadowing every happy moment. Each milestone, every holiday another reminder I wasn’t there, I was holed up in Cuba, parted from them forever.
They’d suffer if I handed myself in, but there’d be an end, eventually, their pain would ease, there’d be no waiting, no tension, just a period of grief.
“You're late for work,” I said, kissing the top of Dani’s head.
“Ugh.”
“I know.”
“Promise you’ll be here when I get back?”
“Okay.”
We danced the same dance every time she left. I made the same hollow, empty promise. Today is the day I won’t be there. She won’t come looking for me, she works for the department I’m handing myself in to. It’ll hurt her and then she’ll heal, with the help of Schilling and Laura. Maria will run to her.
◆◆◆
I sat at the dining table, my heart aching, tears landing on the paper in front of me. Dani would never listen if I told her these things in person. Our goodbye must be done this way. I’d never see her again.
Our final kiss, the last time she’d see me in person happened this morning, in the doorway to this cabin before she left for work. We kissed, I etched every detail to memory. The scent of her shampoo, the flavour of fresh roasted coffee on her lips, the touch of her skin as she stroked my cheek. It would be my final thought before the execution drugs whisked me away to sweet nothingness.
I’d considered asking for clemency, pleading for a life sentence. It might be easier for my family to bear. They’d get visits, they’d know where I was. There’d always be a sliver of hope that one day I’d get released.
Dani would wait for me. She’d remained single, childless and lonely, waiting for the day she could finally prove my innocence. I refused to do it to her or myself. My decision to accept the death penalty was a selfish one. Life in prison was no life. The eternal rest of death appealed more.
I signed my name at the bottom of the letter to her and rested it on top of the others. Dani’s goodbye letter had been one of many. Laura, Schilling, Maria, my family, they all the same letters. Each one had been heartrending to write but none as much as Dani’s was.
I dialled his number from memory. He answered on the second ring.
“Hello?”
“Theo, I need a ride.”
“Leo? Christ man, what are you doing? Dani said you couldn’t call us in case the feds were still listening in.”
The investigation into my escape was still very much live but scaled back. Three FBI agents remained on the case, a dedicated hotline to report sightings of me was still manned but their intrusion into my family had ended. The media too had finally decamped from my parents front yard.
“I’m coming home, Theo. I need to see mom.”
“Are you insane? Does Dani know about this? Jesus, Leo. Don’t say another word. I don’t know where you are, I don’t want to know.”
He cut the call, leaving me pleading with dead air.
It took an hour of begging and redialling him every time he slammed the phone down to convince him to come and get me. I had no idea if the feds were listening in to his calls. I guess I was about to find out. Theo scribbled down the address.
“I’ll be there in an hour. Dani and mom are gonna hate you for this Leo.”
“It’s the only way, Theo. I can’t do it, I can’t live on the run. It has to end.”
For the first time since Schilling, Dani and myself ate breakfast the day after my escape I stepped onto the veranda, my head tipped back, the sunlight warmed my face.
The season had just started to kick off. Children’s laughter rang loud, bringing sorrow, pain and happiness to me. Maia loved water. She’d be right there with the other kids, splashing at the edge of the lake, her tiny arms puffed out from her sides with the armbands I insisted she wore near water. Mr and Mrs Charles would have stood on this very veranda, watching her, indulgent smiles on their faces. Her life had been cut too short, the Charles’ happy moments with their only grandchild had been stolen and the wrong person was paying for it.
I stepped down off the veranda, the grass soft under my feet. I don’t remember the last time I stepped on grass. My shoes were kicked off, abandoned by the edge of the oak veranda. The soft, dew glistening grass tickled between my toes. I relished every moment. This was life, a life I’d only have for a few more short hours.
A soccer ball flew at my head.
“Sorry, Mister,” a young, blonde boy grinned a gap tooth smile at me. His brother hung behind him, smiling shyly, waiting to see if I yelled at them.
“Don’t worry about it, kid,” I smiled, tossing their ball back. The older boy caught it. They both raced giggling to the water’s edge. Theo and I had played like that once.
I was the baby brother, shyly hanging behind him, relying on him to protect me. He always had. I came into my own when he came out as gay in freshmen year. It wasn’t as accepted back then, being gay, especially not in Texas where men are expected to be men. I’d gotten into my first fight the day after his sexuality spread like wildfire around the school. People don’t call my brother those names and get to walk away.
My mother made us both attend church every Sunday for the next six months, me for fighting, Theo for congratulating me on winning the fight. We were allowed reprieve when one of the elder churchgoers tried to pray Theo’s gay away. Me and Theo hadn’t stepped foot in a church since, my mother left her old church behind, joining a more moderate one.
Theo found me on a jetty, my feet hanging in the cool, clear water, vacationing families milling around. A small crowd of young boys had gathered on the shore behind me, watching in awe as I skimmed stones over the flat water. Their parents had warned them to leave me in peace. They recognised pain when they saw it, or they just recognised me and were waiting for the feds they’d called to turn up.
“Teddy,” I grinned as he slipped his sneakers off and sat beside me. If I wasn’t recognisable before, I was now. My family had appointed Theo spokesperson for us. He’d made all the television and radio appearances.
“Fuck you, Leopold,” he joked.
“Hey, my name is supposed to be Leo, Teddy.”
Our names were a family joke to everyone but my mother. When Theo was born she thought he looked like a teddy bear and begged my father to allow her to name him Teddy. My father insisted he have a proper name. They compromised on Theodore. Teddy stopped responding to anything but Theo when he was eight. I was born with a ridiculous amount of thick, blonde curls and cat-like green eyes. Again my father insisted on Leo as a nickname. Why he named me Leopold and not Leon or Leonardo I’ll never know.
“You sure you wanna do this?” Theo sighed, skimming a stone halfway across the lake. A loud ahh broke from the group of boys gathered behind us.
“Yup.”
“I can’t talk any sense into you?”
“Nope.”
“You never did have a brain.”
“Nope.”
“Your lawyer said you can file an appeal based on having new evidence. Lucy will testify for you, Schilling’s willing to speak up for you as a character reference, Laura too.”
“The lawyer say how much chance I had?”
“Nope.”
“Liar.”
“Promise me you’ll at least try, Leo. If doesn’t go through, I’ll support you in whatever you decide but at least try, man, please. Don’t leave us all wondering what if.”
My brother could read me like a book. He pressed my buttons with ease.
“I’ll try,” I sighed.
The last thing I wanted was to drag it out again, have my hopes dashed over and over while wasting away in solitary, but he was right, leaving them all with what ifs was too cruel. What if we’d talked to him about it one last time, would he have appealed? Would he have won? Did we miss our chance to chance to save him?
We talked for an hour before he finally dragged me to his car, reliving our happy childhoods. We’d holidayed at this lake a few times. One of my dad’s colleagues used to own a cabin out here, we’d rent it from him the summers we didn’t go down to Florida or Hawaii.
“Theo,” we both spun around, our bodies tense.
“Hey,” Theo shrugged to the stranger. I kept my head down.
A man in a Dallas Cowboys shirt grinned at him.
“I knew it was you,” he beamed, fixing his eyes on me. I was three feet away from the car. Theo reached into his jeans, folding his fist around his car keys.
“You guys need anything?”
“We’re good, thanks.”
“I believe in you, Leo.”
“Thanks,” I muttered.
“Means a lot, man, thanks,” Theo grinned.
My heart raced as I walked the short distance to Theo’s battered old Honda Civic.
“What the fuck was that?” I hissed.
“Dani didn’t tell you? You have a fan club, dude. Not the pervy kind you had on death row, the kind who all believe you’re innocent. That’s your slogan.”
“My slogan?”
“Yeah, I came up with it. We believe in you, Leo. Cool huh? The lawyer woman says it helps your chances, if there’s public support behind you, they can’t just quietly bury you. They’ve already started a petition to get you a retrial. There’s nearly a million signatures.”
“And how many people signed the petition for my death?”
Theo shrugged his shoulders, keeping his eyes on the road as he eased his car towards the freeway.
I took control of the radio, flicking off Theo’s beloved cheesy pop, changing the channel to classic rock. He didn’t utter a word. We both knew this might the last time I get to listen to radio. Privileges like that have to be earned on death row and bought from commissary. I gave mine away before I was transferred to Huntsville. I’m also fairly sure my privileges have been removed. Escape is frowned upon.
An hour later, we pulled up outside the family home, a place I never believed I’d see again. Theo made me stay in the car until Mr Peterson from across the street went back inside. He wasn’t a believer.
I pulled my hooded top up, keeping my head down, following Theo out of the car. He wrapped his arm around my waist. I side eyed him.
“If anyone sees us they’ll think you’re my boyfriend,” he shrugged.
“Isn’t your boyfriend a four-foot tall black guy?”
“He’s five foot six,” Theo sniffed.
“So, I’m what? Your bit on the side?”
“It’s better than being arrested before you make it through the front door,” he hissed.
He always had been easy to tease. I linked my arm around him, resting it on his hip. It’s not like this could get any weirder than it already was.
“Mom, we have company.”
“I’m not feeling well, Teddy. Can they call back later?”
Fuck. My mother prided herself on her impeccable manners and welcoming nature. Things were worse than I imagined if she was turning away guests.
Theo pushed me into the lounge. My heart broke.
My mother curled in the reading chair, her hair greyer and dishevelled, her skin taut over her skeleton frame. I was killing her.
“Leo, my Leo!”
She threw herself from the chair, falling into my arms, tears streamed her worry-lined, worn face. I pulled her tight. We hugged for the first time in six years. She was smaller, weaker than I remembered, her frail arms shook as she wrapped them around me. Her tears soaked through my sweater into my shirt. She stayed in my arms, sobbing, unspeaking until my father dragged himself into the room.
“Leo. It’s really you?”
“Yup.”
His arms encircled us both. Theo joined us, I was sandwiched between my dad and Theo, my mother held up only by my grip on her. The tears flowed from us all.
We hugged for an age, my mother sobbed until she struggled for breath. She stroked my hair, lamented about my weight loss, repeated that she loved me until she was hoarse.
“Theo, go to the store I want cook Leo’s favourite.”
I glanced at the clock. Her face fell.
“I can stay for dinner mom but then I have to hand myself in.”
“Nooo.”
The sobbing resumed, harder, more agonised than ever. She cried herself raw in my arms.
“I’m appealing, mom. I have a good chance with all the new evidence Dani and Schilling raked up.”
“Really?”
“Yeah and then this’ll all be over. You’ll be able to cook for me every night.”
“That’ll be Dani’s job, won’t it?”
“Jesus, mom,” Theo laughed, “it’s 2017 get with the times. Besides when I saw her last she had a cart full of ramen noodles. I don’t think she’s a culinary wizard. You’ll have to teach Leo to cook for her.”
That was all the encouragement she needed. I was dragged to the kitchen, forced into an apron with a cutesy slogan emblazoned across the front. Theo took great pleasure in snapping pictures. I laughed along.
For four glorious hours, I was home. I cooked, we ate, drank and laughed. Theo’s boyfriend came round. He was a sweet guy. We’d never met before. I have so many people on my visitation list, there was no room to add him.
Dani would be leaving work soon. I had to end this before she returned to an empty cabin. She needed to be with Schilling when she got the news.
“It’s time,” I whispered, pushing my seat back from the dining table, draining the rest of my beer. “Theo, can you give me a ride?”
“Sure.”
“I’m coming,” my mother snapped, crossing her arms, her brow furrowed with determination.
“Mom, you don’t need to see that.”
Theo’s boyfriend promised to stay with her. He wanted her recipe for the cobbler we’d all just tucked into. His interest in her cooking went some way to soothing her. She reluctantly agreed to stay behind.
The goodbye tore me apart. I held her tight, inhaling her motherly scent of home, kissing her head. I might never touch this woman again. My mother, the woman who carried me, loved me, cried for me, stayed by my bed when I was sick, will never lay a hand on me again in life if this goes wrong. My faith in the justice system was shattered. I resigned myself to the death sentence.
“You should call that Schilling guy, tell him you’re coming in or you’ll have a million cops pounce on you and wrestle you to the floor. You’re presumed armed and dangerous.”
Schilling swore at me. He understood my reasons.
“Pull up around the back way,” he sighed. “I’ll meet you there.”
“Will I get a chance to say goodbye to Dani before they take me back to Polunsky?”
“You can count on it, son.”
The short ride to the station dragged on, proving to be one of the longest drives of my life, second only to the trip to the death house. My heart fluttered, my gut clenched, my palms itched. I mentally recited all the reasons I was going through with this madness.
My mother needed peace and a resolution. Dani deserved a love she didn’t have to hide away, someone she could raise a family with without looking over shoulder, waiting for it all to be snatched away. The thought of living on a knife edge for the rest of my life left me queasy. It had to end. One way or the other.
Theo slowed the car. Crawling down the alley behind the station.
“It’s not too late to change your mind, bro.”
“Don’t tempt me,” I growled.
Schilling stood by the gate. He flashed his keycard over a silver box. The heavy iron gates rolled open, groaning on their tracks. That’s a sound I’d need to get used to again. I closed my eyes as the gate closed behind us.
Already the space around me began to cave in on me, wrapping around my soul, sucking the air from my lungs.
Theo and I sat in the car, doors locked, windows wound up, the radio blasting out rock music. Neither of us spoke. Schilling tapped on the passenger window.
“I guess this is it,” Theo sighed.
“I guess so.”
“Good luck, bro.”
“Thanks.”
Schilling averted his gaze, staring down at the tarmacked car lot ground as Theo locked me in a tight hug.
“See ya soon, bro. Keep fighting, until the end.”
“You think Dani’ll give me any other option?” I laughed. “If I lose this appeal, I won’t ask for clemency, Theo. I can’t face life inside.”
“I understand.”
A lone tear rolled down his cheek, his shoulders tensed. He was on the edge, fighting to hold it together for me. I unlocked the door. Schilling stepped back, letting me walk from the car on my own steam.
“Sorry, Leo,” he sighed, flashing cold, silver cuffs at me. “Procedure.”
“I get it, Sir.”
“Aaron, please. You owe me no respect, Mr Roman. If I’d looked twice at your case, spotted what Dani did, you wouldn’t be here.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“You’re a bigger man than I am.”
He snapped the cuffs around my wrists, clamping my arms behind my back.
“Comfy?”
“Not exactly,” I laughed. “But I appreciate you trying.”
He rested his hand on my shoulder, guiding me gently to the back door of the station. The asshole uniformed officers in holding fucking cheered when he pushed me in.
“Leopold Roman,” he told the booking officer. “He’s under arrest for fleeing legal custody and assaulting an officer of the peace.”
The guard Angel shot survived. He took a bullet to the shoulder.
“Nice work,” a uni chirped, patting Schilling on the back.
“He handed himself in. He’s been trying to prove his innocence. Hit a wall when we arrested the douchebags who actually committed the crimes he’s convicted of.”
“You don’t believe this asshole is innocent, Schilling.”
“Yes. I do.”
The young cop sucked in air through his crooked teeth, shaking his head.
“Leo’s being cooperative,” Schilling told the booking officer, “you won’t have a problem with him. Go easy on him, eh?”
“Sure thing, Chief,” the officer smiled.
“I’m gonna go break the news to Dani before someone beats me to it.”
“I believe in you, Leo,” the booking officer whispered to me.