THE WEIGHT OF THE BED stirred me from sleep, and I felt his presence beside me. I listened to the sound of his breathing, and the horrible emptiness in my chest seeped away into the blackness as I extended my arm to touch him. “Lucian.”
“It’s me,” Birdie whispered.
My fingers fell away, and my limbs were so heavy I couldn’t move them at all as I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to stop the fresh onslaught of tears. “I thought it was a nightmare.”
And it was. It was a nightmare that would never end.
Birdie held me while I cried because she wanted to help. But I wanted to protect this sacred space where we had slept together. I vowed I would never wash these sheets. I would never lose his scent.
“I’m fine,” I told her. “I just want to be alone.”
“I’m sorry,” Birdie cried. “I don’t know how to help you.”
“You being here helps,” I lied. “But just… not on the bed.”
She understood then, and from that point forward, she and Ace slept on the bedroom floor beside me. Father Hawk was in the living room, and at some point, Luna showed up too. They all kept watch over me, hovering every second like I was liable to take a steak knife to my wrist at any moment. They could have been right, if it weren’t for the baby growing inside me. I clutched at my stomach, silently comforting the only part of Lucian I had left.
Over the course of three days, I hadn’t eaten or slept much. Most of my time had been spent holed up in Lucian’s bed, wrapping myself in his tee shirt and praying to a God that I didn’t know, begging him to give my husband back if I just believed.
Between those stretches, bouts of paranoia would set in as I patrolled the house and screamed at the guests not to touch anything. Birdie had tried to do dishes, and I snarled at her when she touched the cereal bowl Lucian last ate from. It still had milk in it, and I couldn’t bring myself to let it go. I couldn’t bring myself to let anything go.
I declared that nothing in the house was to be touched, cleaned, or thrown away, and everyone tiptoed around me as if I might attack at any moment. I didn’t know who I had become. I couldn’t recognize my face anymore or even feel my own body. I was numb. Heartbroken. And it didn’t matter if I was still alive because inside, I was dead.
“We should get some flowers,” I said numbly.
“Lucian said he didn’t need them,” Ace answered. “He already had everything set up.”
I stared out the window, battling my silent resentment and appreciation for the man I loved. He had planned everything, just as Ace said. I wanted to hate him for taking those decisions away from me, but I also knew I never would have been able to make them all.
“Just pull over and let her get some flowers,” Birdie whispered. “It’s what she wants.”
It wasn’t what I wanted. What I wanted was my husband back. I wanted our life back. The one that we would never get to have. I was lost without him, and I still couldn’t believe that today he’d be laid to rest.
Ace pulled over, and Birdie and I picked out the flowers. Blue, like the tattoo Lucian had on his chest. The one he said would keep me with him always. I never even got a picture of it.
As we drove to the cemetery, my fingers traced over the necklace Lucian had given me for my birthday. I’d looked up the scripture that had been engraved on it this morning.
I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn you.
The day he’d given it to me, I thought it meant he wanted me to believe. He wanted me to have faith that God was always with me. But now I knew that he really meant it was him. Lucian would always be with me. Or at least, that was what he wanted me to think.
We pulled into the parking lot, and I adjusted my dress as I got out. Birdie fussed over my hat and wiped the mascara that had leaked from the corner of my eyes as others joined us from their own cars. I invited everyone we knew, which wasn’t a long list, but I didn’t want Lucian to be buried alone.
Together, Father Hawk, Ace, Nolan, Kate, Birdie, and Luna walked beside me to the plot where my husband would be sealed away from me. It was still early, but I instructed Father Hawk to go ahead regardless. Everyone who loved Lucian was already there, or so I believed.
Halfway through his service, I looked up to find that several others had shown up. I didn’t recognize them, but I knew without asking that they were his clients. The men were rough around the edges. The kind that, at first glance, society wouldn’t think twice about labeling a criminal. And over the next twenty minutes, they multiplied. They came in droves until there were no longer enough chairs, and standing was the only option. I looked out over the sea of faces from my place beside the plot, and I wondered who they all were. How Lucian had helped them. I had an urge to hear their stories, and when Father Hawk finished, I told him to give them the chance.
Some paid their respects silently, but others stood to speak. The speeches were short and choppy, but each man gave an emotional display of gratitude to the only man who’d ever believed in them. My eyes watered more than once as I listened to their stories, and my shoes wobbled when it was finally my turn.
I’d spent the entire day prior writing notes about Lucian. I wrote about how beautiful he was. How smart, and generous, and secretly kind he’d been in his life. I wrote about his trials and strength, and the lessons he had taught me. All of these things were true, but when I stood to read them, another tidal wave of anger came over me that I had to say them at all.
Halfway through my first sentence, I stopped, coughing out a deranged laugh as everybody stared at me. “Would you look at us?” I gestured to the guests. “Who would have thought that this man could bring us all together? A bunch of so-called criminals, a biker, a priest, and a con artist. These are the people who Lucian called friends.”
Birdie stood and grabbed my arm, trying to whisper in my ear, but I wasn’t finished. “And the biggest shame is that we are the only ones who loved him. The world will never know how much good he did. The world doesn’t give a fuck.”
Father Hawk joined my other side then, but he didn’t try to stop me from speaking.
“You know who gives a fuck?” I asked, gesturing wildly around me. “All of us. We’re it. How fair is that?”
Nobody answered my rhetorical question, and since I was already a wrecking ball, I went on. “Fuck the media,” I said. “Fuck anyone who’s ever said a bad word about this man. Fuck them all.”
A burly man in the back with a long gray beard and a biker vest started a slow clap, and soon, the others joined him. It made me feel good. But then I remembered the reason I was here, and my passion swiftly returned to despair.
“He deserved so much more than what he got.” I bowed my head. “It really wasn’t fair. He probably deserved better than the likes of me too.”
My eyes drifted to the small wooden box that held the remains of my husband, and my chest hurt. “But he picked me. And he made me love him. I loved him fiercely.” I sniffled and wiped at my eyes. “I never got to tell him that.”
Everything went silent for a while after that. Nobody knew what to do while I stood there, motionless and wrung out, but I wasn’t finished. The aftermath was only just beginning, and I couldn’t navigate the maze of emotions left in front of me.
“How could he leave me?” I whispered.
Nobody answered. There were a few uncomfortable sounds of throats clearing before I answered myself.
“How dare he give up?” I said. “How dare he leave without saying goodbye to any of us? It’s bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit. And it’s so fucking selfish of him to do this to us, am I right?”
There was no clapping this time, but I didn’t care. I was done with this crowd too. “And do you know what else? He doesn’t get to dictate everything anymore. He doesn’t get to give his orders from beyond the grave. So I’m taking this with me.”
I stalked forward and grabbed the wooden box off the table and clutched it against my chest, staring out at the crowd. “I dare you to stop me.”
Nobody did.