The mixer was in full swing and everyone was talking about the table decorations which he had to admit were pretty spectacular. Kia had assigned them the London table. There was a place card with London in script, a miniature London Bridge, Big Ben, a small red double-decker bus and an at attention, expressionless Queen’s Guard with the iconic tall fur cap. There were lit votives and pretty flowers mixed in with the tiny models. He had to admire her imagination. She was currently handling a small crisis with the caterers, and it still cheesed him off at how she was treated, but with that bunch, it shouldn’t have surprised him.

He had to admit. It was more than strange to be back here with the people he’d gone to high school with. Back then, he’d had the expectation that his life was laid out for him. There was no deviation, no other choice he wanted to make. It had all been about Sweetwater, ranching, following in his father’s footsteps. It was all about being exactly like his father.

He swallowed hard and walked over to the flat world map where people had been using the small red pins to show where they had travelled. Ever since he’d come to his realization that he had been numbing himself all these years, the memories were even more painful, but it was like draining a wound that had been festering for so long, a life-saving, required process that he wasn’t really done with. There was relief in recognizing that he’d shut down and he’d lived ten years of keeping his emotions in check.

Even in this room, he could feel her presence filling him up. He’d been right. Taking Kia had lifted the fog, and he felt even more keenly focused. In fact, he felt like he was…more. More lethal, more sexual, more masculine, more rooted. She laughed in that easygoing way of hers, and his gut tightened.

Now that he was analyzing his actions all those years ago, he had to look at the ones that involved Kia. His relationships had always been lackluster and based more on getting laid than on any emotion he’d ever felt for the women he’d dated. He remembered the exact moment when he thought that he had really fucked up. That he’d never taken the chance on her. You knew she would do this to you. Tie you up in knots, make you feel lost and challenge you.

After his father’s death, after refusing to talk about it, refusing to go to the funeral, refusing to deal with the loss of the ranch, he’d gone back to school, but it was like he was living someone else’s life. Gone was everything he had ever believed, the whole foundation of his life wiped away with one pull of the trigger. Halfway into the semester, Lisa Palladino, his current girlfriend had broken up with him, and he couldn’t generate enough energy to care. She had told him that she loved him, but she couldn’t be with a man who was emotionally unavailable. She had tried to help him, but he didn’t want help. He hadn’t even blinked twice when she left. He wouldn’t open up, and he wouldn’t make her a priority in his life. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t, it was that he couldn’t or he would have lost it. But that wasn’t what his father had taught him to do. A man provided for his family, stayed in control and dealt with his responsibilities.

But that meant nothing to him because all his father’s words that had once been so full and deep were nothing but empty bits and pieces of a hollow alphabet.

He couldn’t even remember feeling anything…anything but shame, a sick, awful debilitating feeling that sat on him in waking moments and buried in dreams that woke him up with such anguish, he could barely breathe. The only thing that got him through each day was exercise, specifically lifting. Looking back, he realized it was the catalyst that had released all his tension, lifting something heavy, holding it and getting the relief of then setting it down. Someone had told him swimming would help with flexibility and running would keep him lean, so he’d started using the pool and it was there where he found comfort and support. Another world he could disappear into. It was the only place in his life where he felt almost free. Conditioning his body kept him away from alcohol and drugs. But he spent more time away from his studies and his grades started to slip. The school tried to help him, but he rejected counseling and kept telling everyone he was fine. But everyone knew he wasn’t, best of all him. But denial was a potent thing.

He hadn’t even begun to sort through his SEAL service.

When he’d come across the navy recruiter, he wasn’t sure why he’d stopped. He wasn’t sure why what the man said had sunk in. He’d taken one look at Wes and asked him if he’d ever thought about becoming a SEAL. Wes had to be completely honest and tell him, fuck no.

The man hadn’t lost his stride at Wes’s rough language. In fact, his eyes had lit up. The more Wes listened to the “opportunities” of being in the navy, the more he thought about escape, getting away and running his body hard so that he wouldn’t have to use his mind.

He’d signed up on the spot. He sailed through the testing, especially the aptitude tests and the physical conditioning. Some of the testers had to look at their watches several times to make sure they weren’t seeing things. Excelling at the time was something that was ingrained inside him, and he was sure that perceptive recruiter saw that in Wes from the moment he met him. He got his orders and packed up his shit, shipping it home. He dodged his mother and sister’s calls. Kept only essentials and reported to Naval Station Great Lakes and boot camp. He pushed his limits every day and his drill instructors looked to him to set the pace, his teammates struggling to keep up with him. He needed the exhaustion that came with eating, sleeping and breathing his training. It kept him even too tired to dream.

Looking back, he realized that the navy had taught him much more about himself than he had ever known was possible. It broke him down into pieces then reassembled them. He found he enjoyed working with other men, pushing them, inspiring them, leading them.

They were easy, uncomplicated and didn’t require him to touch any of the emotions he’d started to bury. He couldn’t help it as his training progressed, and he and his training class started to bond. It’s where he met Kid, this brash, out-there knucklehead who met him stride for stride, pushed him harder. Kid had the kind of controlled chaos that left Cowboy awed. He admired his thirst for experience and how he embraced it and, more importantly, how his skewed way of looking at things solved intricate puzzles. They went to BUD/S together at the top of their class. He couldn’t be happier that the boy wonder had found his happily ever after.

She came up beside him. Was Kia his HEA? Who was he kidding? She was embedded, and he was struggling to deal with emotions that weren’t only rusty, but felt awkward and unfamiliar until she touched him and like the witch he’d named her, magically felt right.

She just felt so damn right.

But, even with his realization, Reddick wasn’t his home and the memories were still painful, still shameful. His time was limited and how could he even build a relationship when distance was such a huge obstacle?

He picked up a pin and stuck it in Kabul. That would have to be representative of his time in Afghanistan, although his travel hadn’t involved vacation in any sense of the word. He’d travelled extensively on Uncle Sam’s dime to places that weren’t even named on the map, crisscrossed oceans and land masses, fought, bled and took down enemies. His throat tightened. So much of him was tied up in patriotism, pride, respect and dedication, he realized that the SEALs had saved him from becoming something less than he was capable of, that the spiral after his father’s death would have brought him to ruin.

He had to also acknowledge that he might have lived up to his potential as a SEAL, but he was still not quite there in his personal life. Bits and pieces of his father’s guidance over the years kept surfacing everywhere he looked. The memories stirred up even more shit, and he suspected they always would.

He’d only known her for less than a full week. How he had fallen so hard in such a short period of time wasn’t lost on him. SEALs measured their lives in reflexes and action. Anything worth doing was worth doing to the fullest. Connecting to Kia, frankly, didn’t surprise him one iota. Kia required action.

She tapped his temple. “What’s happening up there, handsome?”

“There are so many places that I’ve been, I don’t think you have enough pins here. I’ll keep them to one place to signify the countries I’ve been to.”

“All of them, I assume.”

“Nope. I’ve never been to Canada. Not much going on there that requires SEAL involvement.”

She smiled and ran her hand down his arm. “Here’s an idea. Why don’t you just pin the places that have meaning to you or that you have always wanted to go, instead of the places where you’ve been deployed?”

Her touch, her voice grounded him. He found he was willing to figure out shit, make decisions, take a risk with her than he had ever been open to in the past. He wasn’t sure where this was all going to end, but he couldn’t leave Kia vulnerable to an assassin. It was frustrating that they had no information to go on, no clues as to who this man was who wanted to kill her. But after several days of nothing, he certainly wasn’t going to be lulled into a false sense of security. His vigilance had to remain high.

He started to do as she asked and instead of feeling the tension from those conflicts like the Darién Gap and Philippines, he thought how he wanted to experience Paris with her, watch her enjoy each nuance of each new place he pinned. He stuck a pin into Toronto, and she laughed softly.

He specifically would love to go to Florence because he had always admired Michelangelo, Renaissance architecture and Tuscan food. When he set a pin there, she picked up one and set hers right next to his.

He turned to her about to suggest a nice walk along the wraparound porch to look at the stars and maybe steal a few kisses when he heard his father’s name. Conversation surged, and he missed the rest of the sentence, but he stiffened. Kia looked at him.

Then he heard “Sweetwater,” then “tragedy.” He closed his eyes and all the terrible memories surged, leaving him completely breathless. How could they not think of him as his father’s son…that coward’s son?

He pivoted and sought out the person who was speaking and unable to help himself, he strode over there. “Don’t you have anything better to do than gossip about my family?” he asked low and menacing. “Isn’t it old news by now?” The man backed up a step, a guy who had been so into the rodeo when he’d been in school and had done well on the circuit once he’d graduated.

“What? I wasn’t talking about that.” Where Wes had expected to see pity, there was only respect. “I was stoked that your dad has been nominated to the Texas Cowboy Hall of Fame. I so admired him and still do for his accomplishments on the pro circuit and then the success he made out of Sweetwater after he left to start a family. I’m sorry, Wes, if I offended you. He’s finally getting recognition.”

Cowboy was caught completely flat-footed.

“You didn’t know?”

“I’m sorry,” he said, backing up. Confused was an understatement. His knee-jerk reaction had been to assume they were saying something derogatory about his dad, and it was the exact opposite. For the first time since his dad’s death, he wondered if people had ever called him a coward at all. Or had they had sympathy for his plight, faced with losing everything he’d built, his failure had pushed him to a drastic end.

Through these people’s eyes, he suddenly saw his dad, alone, the ranch he had loved so much on the brink of bankruptcy. The legacy he had been charged with maintaining and preserving for future generations and more specifically, for his own son, lost. Had he judged his dad too harshly, had he put him on such a high pedestal, worshipped him and when he’d fallen from grace, condemned him?

The shame he had experienced before had all been tied to his dad’s action, but now, he was ashamed of himself, heartsick that he hadn’t had the kind of compassion his father had always told him was more important than judgment. People made mistakes, and they were fallible and fragile.

Kia wrapped her arm around his waist. Filling the silence with how thrilled she was to hear that news, her tone so genuine.

Then she steered him toward the door that led out to the porch. His tight lungs loosened as the cool air blew across his skin. “Are you all right?”

“No. I’m not.”

“Oh, Wes. Talk to me.”

“I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. I need to speak with my mom. Now.” The pain mixed with anger, an emotion he hadn’t felt until just right now.

“I’m ready to leave. I’m here for you.”

“Are you okay?” Tank said from the doorway.

“No,” Kia said. “We’re going.”

“Okay. Is there a threat to you?” he asked, immediately intent.

“No. Wes needs to speak with his mother.”

They got into his truck, and he drove. The pressure was too strong. He murmured, “I judged him. Unfairly. All this time. I thought they were talking about him being a coward. That by association that made me one, too. I was devastated, torn apart inside. I thought how could he leave me like this? This shameful way. It ruined me back then and all I could think about was myself. I didn’t have any compassion for my dad, Kia. I didn’t even attend his funeral. I cut my family and my ties to home, a home I lost when Sweetwater was sold. He was supposed to be stronger, fight. We were supposed to fight...together. But he took the easy way out.”

He pulled up at his sister’s two-story house and parked. He exited the truck, went up to the porch and knocked on the door. When it opened, his sister stared out at him. It was clear she was still angry about him missing their breakfast, but in the depths of her eyes was also a sadness, one he was probably responsible for.

“Where’s Mom?”

“I’m here,” she said stepping into the hall. She was in her robe, and he realized she was angry and fed up with his behavior. She had a right to be because he’d never explained himself. Never asked any questions. “When were you going to tell me that Dad got nominated for the Texas Cowboy Hall of Fame?”

Her face went white, her mouth compressed into a hard line. He could feel the indignation in her. She had aged well. Her hair had turned a perfect silver, and the lines on her face did not detract from her stately good looks. Yeah, she had aged well, but she hadn’t aged softly. “Outside, both of you.” It was appropriate that his sister was involved in this discussion. He and his mother might need a buffer.

“If you had bothered to show up for breakfast I would have told you.” She clutched the robe, and Erin stepped close to her and wrapped an arm around her. It was clear that they had been each other’s support for years while he’d been acting like a complete asshole. “But I don’t know why I even bothered. You abandoned this family a long time ago.”

He sucked in a breath. “I had to,” he said.

“You had to? You had to go in the navy without so much as a courtesy call to your mother? Then ditch our calls? You put yourself in danger every day. You never come home and half the time I have no idea if you’re even dead or alive.” Her voice crumpled. “My only boy. Do you know what that does to a mother?”

“No. I don’t. I just have to explain something to you.”

“Explain to me?” she snapped. “I’m so disappointed in you, Wes. I expected better out of you. We needed you.”

“Why did he do it? He promised me we were going to handle everything together. Why?”

Her face went white, and she clutched the robe tighter. “I don’t know, Wes. He was such a strong and noble man. I was blindsided. I couldn’t believe it. You are right, he was going to fight. He had plans, wonderful plans. I know he would have turned Sweetwater around. That ranch had been in our family for generations—there’s a responsibility that goes along with that kind of heritage. Your father loved that place, but more importantly, he loved us. Even to this day, I can’t believe he would have left us willingly.”

Her words eased something that had been so tight and closed off for so long.

“You want to know why I went into the navy? Why I didn’t say anything to you?”

“It doesn’t matter. You’ve made it clear that you don’t want to be part of this family anymore. I’m tired of trying, Wes. I’m tired of your refusal to talk about this.” She turned toward the door and something ripped open inside him.

His control broke against his mother’s pain and disillusionment, against her disappointment and condemnation. “I didn’t do it to hurt you. I did it so I could breathe! If I hadn’t shut down, I was afraid I would have destroyed my own life with my disappointment at what I’d felt was Dad’s betrayal of all he’d stood for, making me an accessory, just an extension of Dad’s cowardice because I had tried to be like him in so many ways, his life lessons sullied and circumspect. How could I even trust my own instincts, deal with my own anguish, forgive Dad when I was so raw and disillusioned? The navy saved my life, Mom.”

She stood there staring at him, her face pale. She started to tremble and the tears that had threatened slipped down her cheeks. “Then go back to the navy; go back to your family. You don’t live here anymore.”

His sister’s gasp was loud in the night. “Mom, you don’t mean that. You’re just upset.”

She didn’t say anything else, just slipped past her daughter and opened the door, closing it softly behind her.

Erin turned to him. “She doesn’t mean it, Wes.”

She took a step toward him, but he raised his hand, then leaned heavily against the porch post. He needed to release that truth to his mom, but now he wasn’t sure what he felt. Everything inside him was raw and chewed up. Ten years of bitterness couldn’t be overcome in the span of a few minutes.

She didn’t heed his attempt to hold her off. She threw herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “We have missed you so much and for the first time since you left, I finally feel we have you back.”

Her face was wet, and he opened himself to his sister’s vulnerability, validated her feelings. “I’m sorry I hurt either one of you.”

“This has been a long time coming,” she murmured. “Give her some time. You take some time. We have missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you, too. More than you know. I love you both,” he whispered against her wet cheek. “I understand how she feels. I took what I needed, darlin’. I had to or I don’t think I would be standing here right now.”

She nodded vigorously, then pulled away. “When you didn’t show up, she was so upset. She wanted to tell you about Dad’s nomination.” She smoothed down the lapels of his shirt. “The mayor was here that day. She wanted to ask you to be part of a hero’s parade to honor our town’s warriors and to raise money for veterans.” She wiped at her eyes. “Mom was embarrassed and angry.”

“A hero’s parade. I don’t know…I don’t serve this country for parades and accolades, Erin.”

“I knew you’d say that.” Her hand went to his shoulder, and her eyes widened. “She flicked the material away to reveal his shoulder holster. Her mouth dropped open, and she looked up at him with surprise on her face. “Why are you carrying a gun?”

He looked toward the truck and found Kia and Tank standing at the curb. “I’m protecting Kia. She was attacked outside The Back Forty. That’s why I missed breakfast. I was at the ER with her and then took her home.”

“Oh, geez, Wes. You can be such an idiot. Why didn’t you just say so?” She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek. “But, you’re my brother, and I love you. Please don’t leave without seeing us. Mom will come around. She might not admit it now. But she has missed you, too. So much. It’s been so hard on her to lose everything.”

The door opened and her rough and tumble husband leaned out. “Babe, you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine, Brew.”

He gave Cowboy an I’ll-kick-you-ass-if-you-hurt-my-wife look. He vastly approved of his brother-in-law. “We’re good, Brewer.”

He nodded once. “I’ll get the kids ready for bed, babe.” His attention shifted to Cowboy. “Wes, man. Don’t be a stranger. And, fucking be careful out there.”

“Brew,” she hissed. “Language.”

He winced. “Oh, sorry. It gets away from me sometimes.” She gave him an indulgent look.

“You got it,” Cowboy said as he closed the door, and his sister kissed his cheek again.

“This was good for us, Wes. It feels like progress. Promise me you’ll come see us before you leave.”

“I promise, darlin’.”

She waved to Kia and Tank, and then went back into the house.

Cowboy pushed off the post and went down the stairs. He shook his head at himself. A hero’s parade. It was now very clear to him that no one in this town ever thought either he or his dad had been any kind of coward. In fact, their compassion humbled him. Yeah, his perception sucked.

Again, there was complete silence in the truck. Kia, reached for his hand, threaded her fingers through it and held on. The small show of comfort and support was so welcome. He realized, as soon as he saw them at the curb, they had heard everything that had been said. It was strange to have the most traumatic event in his life witnessed by one of his teammates and the woman he was just getting to know. But with his newfound sense of discovering and freeing himself from all the baggage tied to his hometown and his dad, he was just going to let it ride.

He had no idea what Tank was thinking. He only knew a little bit about the big dog handler. His home life had been chaotic, he had two brothers and he’d been raised by a single mom. When they got back to the house, Cowboy did a perimeter check while Tank sat with Kia in his truck.

As soon as they were inside, Kia went upstairs to change, and Tank let Echo out of his kennel and took both dogs for a walk. Alone, he sat in front of the fire and just stared into the flames.

His regret at hurting Erin and his mom was deep, scored him with how much he’d cut them out of his life and hurt them. But, he was different now, enlightened. His misconceptions may have warped his insights, but how he’d felt had been real and genuine. They had been his feelings and he would own them.

Tank came back in and closed the door. The dogs settled down in front of the fire. Tank went into the kitchen and after a few minutes Cowboy smelled the aroma of coffee.

He rose and sat down at the counter. Tank slid over a cup of that delicious mocha.

“Families have a way of fucking you up.”

Cowboy looked up and nodded. “They do.”

“I’m sorry about your dad, Wes.”

“It was a long time ago.”

He took a sip of his own cup. “Yeah, but it still matters.” He lifted his fist and Cowboy bumped it. “I won’t mention this to anyone,” he said before he headed to the living room. “Does your gal pal get ESPN?”

Bonding over sports. How cliché. Cowboy smiled and went in and sat down next to him. When he went upstairs a couple of hours later, Kia was just closing her laptop.

He wasn’t sure about how she wanted to handle the sleeping arrangements.

“Yes,” she said softly. “I want you to sleep with me.”

He raised a brow. “You have no imagination, darlin’.”

She smiled and opened her arms. “Oh, yeah, I do. Sleep is way overrated.”

He stripped and slid in beside her warm, soft body, the scent of her a boon and they made slow, sweet, hot love. Every move she made showing him how much she loved being here with him. It was a balm to his heart, his ragged emotions, to his very soul. Afterward, she snuggled down with him and wrapped her arms around him as they fit so tightly together.

“I went to the funeral. Do you want me to tell you about it?”

Warmth flooded him. He closed his eyes, blinking away the stinging. She had a way of turning him inside out. The tightness in his throat made his jaw ache. “Yes, please,” he drawled as she started to tell him how beautiful it had been and that the church couldn’t hold everyone who wanted to attend. She went into detail about the flowers, the coffin, the service and the weather that day, leaving no detail out, even the information about a carved headstone he’d never seen.

The heavy, silky weight of her hair tangled around his fingers, the loose fall like satin. She took a soft, tremulous breath, and he smoothed one hand across her hips and up her back, molding her tightly against him. This story and the soothing sound of her voice was all he needed right now.