Chapter Four

 

Reggie had stolen a few hours to drive to Rapid City to go shopping at the mall. She hadn’t had any time to do it earlier. The McKinnon family was so large, it was hard to be able to do a quick shopping without forgetting a little something for someone. And she didn’t want to forget anyone.

The morning shopping had already wiped her out. She wanted nothing more than to go home and take a nap. But she still had to work on the grant, and she knew if she went home, she’d just sleep.

At least it wasn’t snowing, she thought as she parked her car in the empty parking lot of the Wounded Veterans Center. Ian usually didn’t drive to the WVC. He lived up on the hill with his family and normally just walked the distance of the driveway to work. The likelihood of him being in his office was great.

She walked through the main hall of the Center toward her office in the back of the building, rubbing her hands as she went. Her office was located right next to Ian's. But Ian barely ever used his office except to deal with paperwork he didn’t want his twin boys to get into. She peeked in his office anyway, and found it empty. She hadn’t heard him moving around anywhere else in the banquet hall or any of the other rooms. He must have gone home for lunch to be with Abby and their three children, all of whom were still not in school.

There were some days Ian strolled in late, and left early. He did the work of two men, but he worked with purpose and took joy in being with his family any chance he got.

Reggie also knew that just because she couldn’t hear Ian anywhere in the building, it didn't mean he wasn't working somewhere on a project. He’d scared her on more times than she could count. He now teased her and made a lot of noise when he was approaching so she wouldn’t jump out of her skin.

Ian was one of the reasons she worked so hard. He had been wounded during a battle in Afghanistan and lost his leg below the knee. Upon returning to the states, he had fallen into a deep depression and had found it hard to move on with his life, much like many of the military personnel who came to the Wounded Veterans Center.

He was an inspiration, and he understood exactly what these brave men and women were going through. On occasion, a veteran who had heard about the Center would wander through the door even though nothing was on the schedule that day. Ian would drop everything and give his complete attention to that veteran, allowing him or her to vent if that’s what they needed.

Keith had been Ian’s rock when he’d returned from Afghanistan. The two cousins were so close it was as if they were brothers. He’d found happiness with Abby and the kids. And he loved what he did at the Wounded Veterans Center and loved the days when they had a lot of activity here.

But today Reggie knew they didn’t have anything on the schedule. Today would be nice and quiet as long as Ian didn’t start banging a hammer. She’d be able to get a lot of work done. She liked the quiet when working. And when it became too quiet, she’d put on a little bit of music and listen while she worked or made phone calls.

She needed to make a quick call to Joel about the application deadline and to make sure nothing new had been added to the grant requirements. She was just about settled in her office with her notes placed in front of her when she felt a sharp pain below her belly. It was strong enough to make her stop breathing for a second, struggle to catch her breath until the pain subsided. She held onto her desk with one hand and placed her hand over her abdomen with the other.

Oh, God, no! Is this really happening?

She drew in a deep breath. And then another. She needed to stay calm. When she trusted her legs not to collapse beneath her, she slowly got up from her desk and carefully walked to the bathroom to see if she was bleeding.

As she walked, she held the wall to steady herself, calling out, “Ian? Are you here?”

She paused only so she could listen without hearing her own movement. Nothing.

“Ian?”

Oh, God, what if there was blood? That could only mean one thing, right?

She got to the bathroom and shut the door. Something made her keep it unlocked. She didn’t know what she was wishing for. What kind of person thinks this way? What kind of woman doesn’t know?

And then it became all too real and there was no wondering. Blood.

She wiped the sweat budding up on her forehead with the back of her hand. She felt numb. Unable to move. Unable to even process what was going on.

She was bleeding and it terrified her.

She tried to breathe but she couldn't catch her breath. Tears springing to her eyes. She need to call Keith. He would know what to do. He would hate her for losing a baby he wanted so desperately. And she wasn’t altogether sure that hate would be undeserved.

She’d seen a gynecologist in Rapid City once, who’d confirmed her pregnancy and that she was still very early. Given her schedule, he’d urged Reggie to slow down but she didn't listen to him. And now she might be losing this baby.

If Keith hated her, it was completely deserved. Even if she was unsure, she should have taken better care of herself.

She quickly cleaned yourself up, and carefully walked to her office with wobbly legs. Her head was spinning, and she blinked to focus. She’d made it to her chair and with trembling hands she picked up her cell for and pressed the quick icon to dial Keith. His voicemail picked up. After the beep, she said, “It's me, honey. I'm coming over to the clinic right now. If you not there already please go there. I think…I think I’m having a miscarriage.”

She waited until she hung up the phone to cry. But it was short lived. She shoved her cell phone in her pocketbook and then searched for her keys. Then she got up and walked as quick as she could through the Center. When she got to the Center door, she called out for Ian one more time, but didn’t get a reply.

As soon as she stepped outside, the bitter cold slapped at her exposed skin. She realized she'd forgotten her coat in her office, but she didn't bother to go back to get it. Instead, she watched the ground for ice patches as she walked, and then pressed her remote keychain button to unlock the car doors. She climbed inside and then held the steering wheel.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to have choices now. Not like when she was little and she had no choice at all.

Once she settled in the driver’s seat, she closed the door and turned the key in the ignition. They were going to lose this baby. She knew it. She felt another cramp and thought her world was crumbling around her. It was all her fault.

* * *

Hawk held Regis tight as she sat on the exam table in the clinic, and let her cry for as long as she needed to. These were not the same tears she'd had when she'd raced through the clinic door fifteen minutes ago.

He hadn't received her voicemail. He'd been with the patient and hadn't had a chance to check his voicemail between exams. His initial reaction to seeing her was happiness until he'd seen the tears flowing down her cheeks. Then his happiness turned to dread.

It amazed him he could even function enough to help her to an empty exam room. Fortunately, Hawk had invested in enough diagnostic equipment at the clinic so he had an ultrasound machine available to see what might be the cause of the bleeding. Regis was not going to have to drive to Rapid City to have an ultrasound, if she could even get in today to have one. Most of the time when a pregnant woman started to bleed this early in a pregnancy, a gynecologist would make the woman wait the weekend.

She’d only had the initial appointment with her gynecologist to confirm the pregnancy and at that point it was too early to hear a heartbeat. Hawk had only known about the appointment because Regis had come home with paperwork and had left it on the table.

But this beautiful machine in his clinic showed a strong beating heart on the screen and confirmed everything they both needed to know. Their baby was still alive and its heart was beating strong. Hawk would take tears of relief any day of the week over tears of sadness. He felt it himself in more ways than he could comprehend. He was a doctor. Normally while he was inside the walls of this clinic, he was professional, and held his emotions at bay. But he wanted to weep with joy with Regis. But instead of giving in, he let Regis have her cry and fully release her emotions.

Regis wiped her eyes and looked up at him. “So does this mean you don’t hate me?”

He frowned. “Why would I hate you?”

She shrugged. “You know why. This pregnancy wasn’t exactly something I’ve been thrilled about. Having a miscarriage, well, it would have made things easier.”

He shook his head, trying to connect the tears of joy to the words.

“As many as twenty-five percent of all women miscarry in the first trimester. Many times before they even know they’re pregnant.” He said the words professionally. This is what he would have replied to any other woman who’d come into the clinic with bleeding like Regis experienced. And he hated it. This was Regis. She was the love of his life.

“What caused the bleeding? Do you know? Is there still a danger?”

Hawk's hands were still shaking from his own adrenaline rush and fear, and the strange reaction he was getting from Regis. “You have to take it easy. Sometimes women spot at the beginning of a pregnancy. It doesn't mean they’ll miscarry. But I’m sure your doctor is going to want to see you in a few days once the bleeding stops. You can retake a pregnancy test here or you can go to Rapid City. It’s up to you.”

He busied himself putting away supplies and getting the instruments ready to be cleaned by one of his staff. He was trying to be professional and be the doctor he was trained to be. But everything inside him what screaming and he didn’t know what was going on.

“So does that mean that there’s still a chance I might miscarry?” Regis asked.

“Everything looks good,” he said, trying to be positive. “You saw the baby’s heartbeat. It is strong and that's a good sign. But it’s really important you keep your feet up and you relax over the next couple of days and watch for anymore bleeding. If that happens, it might be problematic.”

He couldn't bring himself to say that it could mean a miscarriage. But that's what it probably would mean. And he wasn’t altogether sure that’s what Regis didn’t want.

“You just examined me. I don’t need to see my OB/Gyn right now, do I?”

He shook his head. “We should probably give him a call. You should. Are you seeing the same one Skye is seeing?”

“No,” she said. “I didn’t want her asking questions.”

He nodded. “That’s right. You don’t want to tell anyone.”

Her eyes widened. “Isn’t that a good thing? I mean, if I do have a miscarriage, why get the family all worked up and then crash their hopes of another McKinnon in the family?

“I suppose.”

“You don’t agree.”

“No,” he said flatly. “Family has a way of coming together to support each other in times of crisis. It’s a good thing. You can fall apart when you know someone is there to help lift you up.”

“That’s what I have you for. Don’t I?”

He released a slow sigh. “Always,” he said, touching her cheek with the back of his hand. “I’m going to drive you home.”

She chuckled. “Keith, the house is right there up the driveway.”

“I know. But you need to do as little activity as you can. In fact, it's probably best that you just go straight home and lie down. I'll come by to check on you as soon as I'm done with my afternoon patients. I have a break in my schedule for about an hour right now. I can get you settled. Let me spoil you a little, please. It’ll make me feel better.”

She nodded. “I'm so glad you were here.”

He kissed her lightly on the lips and breathed in the scent of her. “Always.”

* * *

Reggie hadn't intended to take a long nap. She’d had so much work she’d planned to do at the office. But as soon as Keith had driven her home those few hundred yards and practically carried her into the house, fatigue just beat her down.

Once he’d left to go back to the clinic, she’d planned on getting her laptop and working while she kept her feet propped up on the coffee table in the living room. But she just wanted to put her head down on the pillow and had given in to exhaustion thinking it would only be for fifteen or twenty minutes in order to get a second wind.

When she woke up and looked at the clock, she saw that it was already after six o'clock and the room was dark.

Where had the time gone? Reggie hadn't even told Ian that she was leaving the Center. Surely, he was wondering why she hadn’t been there all afternoon. She wasn't even sure if she'd locked up the building when she left in her haste. She leaned up on the sofa and reached for the light on the end table, flicking it on.

Just as she was about to pick up her cell phone and call, she heard the kitchen door close. Keith was home.

He walked past the living room and had gone straight down the hallway to the bedroom and then rushed back. He found her in the living room.

“Whoa. You're supposed to be in bed. The only time you were supposed to get up was to use the bathroom, and if you need to do that, wait for me and I’ll go with you.”

She glanced up at him and smiled. “I felt good. Besides, isn't that taking it to the extreme? I mean, I do have my feet up, and I am fairly sure I can go to the bathroom by myself too.”

He chuckled as he came into the room and sat down at the end of the sofa. “Yeah, I guess. But you were pretty weak when I brought you back here earlier. I don't want you to faint. I almost had Nancy stop by to check on you.”

She gasped. “You wouldn’t.”

“Nancy was there when you came into the clinic. Do you think she didn’t notice what happened?”

“Did you tell her I was pregnant?”

“I didn’t say anything. And I never asked her to check on you, even when she left before me.”

Her heart melted. “I actually feel okay. The cramping I had earlier is gone.” She touched her stomach with dread. “Is that a good or bad sign?”

“You can’t rush nature. Give it a day or two and I'll give you another ultrasound at the clinic.”

“Do we really have to wait that long?”

He shook his head. “If you're still bleeding the way you were earlier, then we’ll know it's probably not a good sign. If you stop, well, then it might just be normal bleeding.”

“How can bleeding be normal?”

“Some women bleed a little bit in the first trimester. There are a ton of reasons why.”

His face looked gray, and serious in a way that she only saw when she knew he was scared.

She leaned over and braced herself on a pillow as she reached for her cell phone. But Keith quickly got up and pulled it away, placing it back on the end table.

“You're not going anywhere. Doctor’s orders.”

She looked up at him with surprise. “I wasn't. I was just going to call Ian because I can't remember if I locked the Center up when I left. He wouldn’t necessarily notice since I’m the one who comes in through that door.”

“I talked to Ian.”

“You did? What did you say?”

“That you weren’t feeling well and left in a hurry. He’ll take care of everything at the Center. You’re not allowed to go back there for the next couple of days.”

She slumped back on the pillow and tried not to laugh. “Is that right?”

Bending over, he kissed her lips. It was a soft tender kiss that she felt throughout her body all the way to her fingers in her toes, making her tingle. “I'm going to take care of you.”

“You always do. But I really do have to pee.”

He eased himself up off the sofa and held out his hands. She slipped her fingers into his palms and got up slowly. The dizziness she’d felt earlier was gone.

“I think I can do this.”

“I know you can. But I'm going with you anyway. Doctor's orders.”

A few minutes later, they were back in the living room where he’d made a comfy spot on the sofa with a pillow and a throw blanket. He put a few logs in the fireplace and they were burning strong. On the coffee table, there were two wineglasses and a small bottle of her favorite wine. He picked up the wine bottle and poured a small amount into each glass and then handed her one.

Her eyebrows stretched on her forehead. “Really? I thought for sure you'd give me a hard time.”

“You're only allowed this one glass. And only because I know you're nervous, I think this will help calm you down. The bleeding is stopped and I think, I hope, the pregnancy will continue.”

Her nerves were frazzled. From the moment she found out she was pregnant, she'd been filled with turmoil. And then from the moment she thought she might lose the baby, she felt nothing but dread.

Reggie didn't know what to feel now. Her emotions were like a ping pong ball bouncing off every wall. She was no closer to feeling better about the prospect of becoming a mother than when she’d taken the pregnancy test. But the prospect of the pregnancy ending abruptly was also alarming.

Hawk touched her cheek softly. “Regis? What is it? Talk to me. I just don’t understand what’s going through your head right now.”

She'd been staring off into space. She had been doing that a lot lately.

The fire was crackling with the new logs Keith had added earlier. This was one of her favorite things to do in the evening. Some people wanted to sit in front of the television and watch their favorite shows. The two of them did enough of that. But most nights during the winter, Reggie enjoyed sitting in front of the fire curled up under a blanket, and just listening to the sound of the fire crackling as she talked to Keith.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah.” She thought about it for second.

“You look surprised.”

“I am,” she said. “I really thought, well, never mind.”

Keith was quiet again. His wineglass was still on the coffee table untouched.

Then he said, “I'll be back in a minute.”

“No, sit with me.”

His smile was warm as it always was. Reggie could honestly say she'd never seen Keith look at her with anything but warmth and love. His uncertainty was something new though. And she didn't like it. He snuggled up beside her, and wrapped his arm around her body and let her rest her head on his shoulder. She lifted the blanket and tried to spread it over both of them, but it would only go halfway.

“Thank you for being there for me.”

“Why wouldn't I be?”

She didn't have an answer for that. Keith had always been there for her.

“You've got some things spinning around in your head right now,” he said, brushing a strand of hair away from her forehead. “What is it?”

She stared at her hands in her lap and then took his hand in hers, needing the comfort. “It's nothing.”

He grunted. “Well, that's a load of crap. You’re talking to me, Regis. Remember? I know when something is bothering you. I’ve tried to tiptoe around this to give you space, but honestly, I have no idea what you’re feeling about this baby.”

He squeezed her a little bit. Not as if she were breakable, but he was being gentle. Finally, he zeroed in on what she knew the problem was.

“It's not like you to be so unsure,” he said. “This is definitely new ground for me. With you anyway.”

She frowned. “Me? Keith McKinnon, you’re not questioning my love for you, are you?”

He sighed and she knew it was exactly that. He was so vulnerable.

“I never had to.”

“Keith, it’s not you. It’s all me.”

His expression collapsed. She reached up and touched his face with the tips of her fingers. “I'm in love with you, Keith. I’ve always been.”

“Then what is all this hesitation? You told me you were pregnant. I was bursting inside with joy I wanted to share with you and instead of being happy, you looked as if your life was ending.” He bit his bottom lip, and then said, “Why won't you marry me?”

“What are you talking about? We talk about getting married all the time.”

“We used to. Lord knows I’ve brought up the subject enough. And now that you’re pregnant, I figured…”

“What?”

“We haven’t even set a date. My cousins are getting married. My brothers one by one are getting married. We've been together longer than most of them and yet you don’t want to talk about a wedding.”

She chuckled, but then stifled it quickly. He was serious. “We've both been really busy. Ian and I are working really hard. I want to enjoy getting married when we finally do it. I don’t want to be stressed out.”

“Is that all?”

“What are you thinking?”

He sighed and then ran his hand over his face. “Okay, I'm just going to get it out there, and you can tell me I’m being an idiot and then we can move past it. But don't tell me I'm wrong if there is even a little bit of truth to it. But if I'm totally wrong, then please tell me why.”

“I have no idea what all that was. Just ask me.”

“Do you even want to have this baby?”

She opened her mouth and then closed it quickly. She’d never lied to Keith and she didn’t plan on doing it now.

“I don’t know.”

He blinked. “How could you not know? We just saw our baby’s heartbeat. You cried with relief in my office. At least, I think that was relief.”

“It was.”

“And yet you won't let me shout this fabulous news from the rooftops. I want to tell my family. I want to be thrilled about this. But every time I look at you, I can tell that you're not. Please tell me I’m wrong.”

How could she put this into words? She didn't have the answers herself. That's what scared her the most.

“I can’t.” She braced for his shock, but she wasn't prepared for his anger.

“You don't want my baby, our child?” He pulled back from her. “Are you thinking of having an abortion?”

“No. Honest. I haven't been thinking of anything beyond being shocked and pregnant.”

“When you came into the clinic today, I thought things had changed. I thought you were scared about the possibility of losing it. It gave me some hope.”

“I want nothing more than to have a family with you. This baby is coming at a time that makes things a bit difficult.”

“Most do. Lots of people have unplanned pregnancies. That doesn't make it wrong.”

“I never said it was wrong.”

“Talk to me,” he pleaded. “Tell me what is holding you back from being thrilled beyond belief that we're having a child together. Because quite frankly, I don't understand what's going on. I thought we wanted the same thing. I thought we wanted to start a family together.”

“I do. And I hate that you're so unsure of yourself, and of me because of it. It has nothing to do with you or my love for you.”

“That's a cliché answer.”

“It's the truth. I don't know if…I have it in me to be here for this child. To be what this child needs.”

Reggie took in Keith’s thoughtful expression.

“What are you saying?”

“I don’t want to be my mother.”

* * *

The closer it got to Christmas, the colder the mornings were. Keith had left early. Despite a few days of pampering her, he still had that look of a man who’d lost his best friend. And she hated that she was making him feel that way.

He didn’t understand. How could he? He was raised by the most amazing woman in the world in Reggie’s eyes. Kate McKinnon could do anything and had love enough for the universe. Okay, so maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. But it sure seemed that way. How could any woman live up to the mother Kate had been to her boys?

Reggie got to the Wounded Veterans Center and felt stronger physically, but emotionally drained. The bleeding had stopped and after a quick call to her OB/Gyn, she was cleared to go back to work. Keith had performed another ultrasound that showed the baby’s heartbeat was still strong.

She genuinely was relieved. But that didn’t seem to appease Keith.

She could have finished up the grant application at home, but she was getting stir crazy and needed to move around. But that wasn't the only reason why she went to the Center that day. Abby, Ian’s wife, was a short walk up the next driveway. She frequently came into the Center with the kids to visit Ian. Reggie always loved seeing the kids running around the banquet hall while Ian was working.

And Abby loved to sing. Half the time she didn’t even know she was doing it. But she unabashedly sang to the kids or when she was just walking around. She was happy being a sudden mother, having adopted the three children she’d been entrusted guardianship with from a fellow firefighter from her fire station in Vermont after he and his wife had been killed. Ian has also been entrusted with the same guardianship and had strong ties to the firefighter, as he’d been the one who’d saved Ian’s life during the bombing in Afghanistan that cost him his leg.

Ian and Abby had an enviable life. Abby had taken to motherhood overnight as if she’d been born a mother.

But no one was at the Center when Reggie had arrived so she turned on her computer and quickly opened the file she had started for the grant intending to get as much done as she could before anything else stopped her.

The grant was almost done. She just had to tweak a few things, and highlight those few programs that made the Wounded Veteran Center unique so that her grant would stand out along with their plans for expansion the next year.

A quiet knock on her office door had her lifting her face from the computer screen. Ian stood at the door holding two cups of coffee.

“I know you’ll probably sit here for the next two hours without taking a break,” he said. “Don’t deny it.”

“I won’t. I’ve been here an hour already. I'm almost done,” she said. She glanced at the coffee mugs in his hand. “Are one of those for me?”

“Actually, both are for you. I know one of them will end up cold, but I also know you don't mind cold coffee,” he said, laughing.

In the two years since Reggie had been working at the Wounded Veteran Center, Ian had become family, and had come to know her well. He was more than family. He was a true friend. When she was riled up about something, he knew enough to steer clear.

For a while anyway.

Ian was not a man to shrink away from a tough situation. Reggie was incredibly proud of him and what they had been able to accomplish. He embodied everything they’d hoped to accomplish for military families.

When he’d come home from Afghanistan, wounded with a portion of his lower leg amputated, he quickly realized that he couldn't go back to a career that he’d wanted, being a firefighter in a Hotshot team like his cousin Sam. But he'd redefined himself and now he was happily married with three children and a wonderful wife.

He frowned. “What?”

She’d been staring at him. She felt like an idiot. “I tell you what. You take one of the coffees and I'll take the other. I may not be here long enough to have two.”

He set one of the mugs on the corner of her desk. “Are you feeling better today? You don't really need to stick around at all if you’re still under the weather. I know Hawk was really worried about you the other day.”

Keith probably hadn't confided in Ian about the pregnancy. But she could tell by Ian's reaction that he had conveyed his worry enough so that Ian was now worried about her.

“I'm fine. Really. It was nothing.”

Ian didn't seem convinced but he didn't push it any further. “You know where to find me.”

“Yes, I do. Thanks for the coffee.”

She stared at her computer screen and made a few notes. Then she decided to get a good cup of soup at a local diner in the hopes of filling a void that had stayed empty far too long.

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