Brett

 

These assholes won’t let me up to see her. After I was able to talk, I asked Mary where Eva was and rushed over here. Now they won’t let me see her. Telling me I need to come back during visiting hours. Not on their fucking lives. I’m not leaving.

The woman finally calls up to Eva’s room and I stand there with my arms crossed waiting. She tells her an irate man is here. They haven’t seen shit. If they don’t let me up there they’ll see irate.

“Sir, she said she’ll talk to you,” the receptionist says, handing me the phone.

“Eva?”

“Brett, what are you doing? Go home,” she says, sounding like she’s crying.

“Not a chance. I need to see you, right now.” I look at the receptionist and continue. “I’ll risk getting arrested.” Yeah, she threatened to call the cops.

“Please Brett, just go,” she says, choking back a sob.

“I’ll be right up,” I saying, hanging up the phone. “She’s crying because she’s scared and alone. What if it were you up there? All alone, terrified. What if the one person you needed most wasn’t allowed up to see you?” I talk in a low voice, leaning my arm along the counter.

“Sir, it’s not that I don’t want to help. It’s that I can’t,” she says, letting out a sigh.

“Go to the bathroom.”

“What?” she asks, dipping her eyebrows.

“You won’t see anything if you aren’t here. Go. Please.”

She’s thinking about it, turning her head to see who’s around. “Damn it. Don’t make me regret this,” she hisses, as she walks away.

Rushing to the elevators, I get on and hit the button for the third floor. Closing my eyes, I lean against the wall. “Please, I’m begging here. Don’t let me lose her,” I whisper.

The chime of the elevator door opening has me snap my eyes open. Room 312 that’s where I’m headed. I try following the signs, but it’s like a fucking maze. I hate the hospital. The smell of antiseptic, the beeping of the machines, the hollow feel. People crying, patients yelling, doctors whispering.

“Sir, can I help you?” A nurse asks.

Fuck. “I seem to have gotten lost getting back to my wife. Room 312,” I say, giving her a small grin.

A huge smile takes over her face and she nods. “Happens all the time. Come on I’ll show you how to get back.”

Christ, I just said she was my wife. My wife. Suddenly my throat feels tight and my heart feels like it’s bleeding. The world is spinning a hundred miles an hour, but I’m barely moving. I can’t lose her. I’ll marry her, I’ll take care of her, I’ll end my own life to save hers.

“Here you go,” the nurse says, when we reach the room.

“Thank you,” I whisper and walk inside.

My knees almost give out of me seeing her lying there. She doesn’t look sick, she looks absolutely beautiful, but she’s crying. Not tears rolling down her cheeks, but sobbing the second she sees me. She covers her face with her hands as her body shakes with the force of her cry.

Rushing to the bed, I push down the bar and climb in pulling her to me. Wrapping my arms around her, she rests her face against my chest, gripping my shirt in her hands. Her tears are wetting my shirt as she silently sobs. My arms tighten around her as I kiss the top of her head. I can count the number of times I’ve cried in my life on one hand. But this...her so broken and holding onto me, has me fighting my fucking hardest not to break down.

“I’ve got you, Eva. I’m right here,” I whisper, closing my eyes.

She ends up crying herself to sleep on me and I don’t care that I’m hanging off the bed in the most uncomfortable position. Because honestly having her in my arms makes me feel whole. We haven’t said anything yet, she just cried while I held her tight. I know all too well what it’s like when someone tries to push you into talking. She’ll talk to me when she’s ready and until then I’ll be here waiting, taking care of her.

“I need to get some blood,” the nurse says a bit too loudly as she walk in.

“She just fell asleep,” I say.

“I understand, but it needs to be done,” she says, snapping on her gloves.

“Give her an hour, come on. She needs her rest,” I say, looking down at her steady breathing.

“I don’t think the doctor will care,” she says, getting the needle ready.

Oh the doctor won’t care. The one in charge of making sure she is okay won’t care. Fuck that. “Well you can tell the doctor he can come talk to me if he has a problem with it. It’s an hour, give her the damn hour.”

Pulling off the gloves, she looks at her watch. “One hour.”

Nodding, I thank her and spend the next hour memorizing every detail of Eva. The way her full lips are parted slightly as she sleeps so peacefully. How her hair falls into her beautiful face when she moves just a little. The curve of her nose, her long eyelashes fanned out, the perfection of her porcelain skin. The coconut smell of her hair, the feel of her flawless body pressed against mine, the taste of her lips against mine. I didn’t even realize she crept her way in and now that she has I can’t let go.

“Sir, I need to wake her now. I gave her the hour, but we need to do this,” the nurse says, walking back in.

“I know.” She goes to wake her and I shake my head. “No, I’ll wake her.” Running my fingers down her cheek, I kiss her lips and whisper against them, “Eva, I need you to wake up for a minute.”

Her eyes flutter open and she looks at me. A small smile pulls at her lips until she hears the nurse asking for her arm. Slamming her tired eyes shut, she sticks out her arm. The nurse tries to talk to her, but Eva doesn’t say a word. She keeps her head buried in my side as I watch the needle go in. She doesn’t flinch or make a sound and it kills me knowing this must be so routine for her.

“Okay sweetie, you’re all done. Someone will be in soon to do your vitals and your biopsy is scheduled for first thing in the morning. You’ll be out of here before you know it,” the nurse says, rubbing Eva’s shoulder.

Hearing her say that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. Maybe it’s nothing and I’m worrying myself sick for no reason. “Hey, did you hear that? You’ll be outta here before you know it.”

“They always say that. They say that because saying you’ll be here for the duration isn’t motivating,” she says, trying to turn away from me.

“Eva, don’t pull away. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here. I’m in this no matter how hard you try to push me away,” I say, pulling her to my chest again. “I’m here, so tell me.”

“I was going to tell you eventually about the cancer. I just thought I’d beat it,” she whispers.

“You don’t know anything yet,” I try to reassure her.

Pulling back slightly, she finally makes eye contact with me. “Don’t do that. Don’t let yourself think this is nothing. You’re just setting yourself up for a very painful goodbye.”

“No one is saying goodbye, Eva. We’ll fight this,” I say, pushing down my emotions.

“Brett, I fought this already. I had a double mastectomy, radiation, chemo, surgeries. I don’t have it in me to fight it again. You have no idea what it’s like,” she says, shaking her head.

A double mastectomy. Fuck. That’s why she doesn’t like me to touch her tits. Shit, I’m an asshole for not asking her sooner. It was such a fucking clear sign something was wrong. A sign I completely ignored. But not fighting, hell no.

“You’re right, I have no idea what it’s like to fight cancer. But I know what it’s like to fight to stay alive, because I’ve wanted to just give up and fold to all the shit that was happening. You think it was easy for me to be alone since I’ve been eighteen? Having to bury the only family I ever knew? To watch friends die or walk away? Fuck no, none of it was easy. I fought everyday to go on. You aren’t going to be fighting this alone Eva, I’m strong enough to fight for the both of us,” I say, running my fingers through her hair.

That’s all it takes. She tells me everything from finding the lump in her breast to the surgery to the treatments. She cries again and I hold her. I’m not going to lose her, no fucking way.

 

**

 

Waiting while she gets the biopsy is by far the worst time I can remember. This is the last test and we should have all the results by this afternoon. That’s what the doctor said. I can’t get rid of this knot in my stomach as I pace the waiting room.

“Sit down Brett. Come tell me about yourself,” Mary says, trying to distract me.

She’s trying to comfort me while her daughter is getting a lump cut out of her armpit. I need to fucking man up here. “Mary, what do you need? Would you like some coffee?”

“I wouldn’t mind a cup of tea if you’re going,” she says, smiling up at me.

Giving Mary her tea, I sit next to her with my coffee. “There’s not much to tell about myself. I’m a mechanic who didn’t start living until your daughter came back into my life. We went to school together, ya know?”

Smiling, she touches my arm. “Of course I know that. Eva had the biggest crush on you in middle school, even high school but she’d never admit it. But a mother knows these things,” she says, laughing.

“She never told me that,” I say, taken back. I had no idea, but why would I? Relationships weren’t something I ever wanted.

“She’s good at keeping things to herself,” she says, looking away.

“Yeah she is.”

We sit talking while we wait and it’s kinda nice. We both keep the other distracted as much as possible, but we’re getting to know each other.

Both of us jump up as the doctor comes walking over. “Everything went great. A little extra bleeding, but she’ll be back in her room shortly if you want to wait there.”

Relief fills me, making me want to run to her room, but first I have questions. “When will we know? I know you said this afternoon, but when?”

“As soon as the lab gives the initial results we’ll let you know. I don’t have an exact time frame,” he says.

“What do you think from seeing it?” I ask.

“Impossible to say,” he says. “We’ll know soon. Try not to worry.”

He’s full of shit. He knows what he saw, he just won’t say it. “Yeah okay. Mary, you ready?”

We get back to her room and she’s just being wheeled back in. She looks tired, which I hate. How the hell is anyone supposed to get better when they can’t rest?

“Hey, how are you?” I ask, moving to her side.

“I’m fine, just tired,” she says, trying to force a smile.

And we wait...and wait...and fucking wait.

“Both of you go for a walk or something. Sitting here worrying isn’t helping me. Checking the clock isn’t going to make time go any faster. Go for a half hour, I’ll call if the doctor comes in,” Eva says annoyed.

“I’ll go get a cup of tea. Brett, come on she needs a minute,” Mary says.

Just as we go to leave, the doctor walks in. Fuck. I’ve never been this nervous before. I can’t help thinking that my life is about to be altered. One way or another things will never be the same.  I stand beside her, grabbing her hand while Mary stands on the other side. Eva looks up at me and I give her a quick kiss on her forehead.

“Everyone take a deep breath. It’s not cancer. Just some scar tissue from your mastectomy,” he says, with a smile.

Closing my eyes, I let the relief wash over me. Not cancer.

“I’ll get your discharge paperwork going, but you’ll need to follow up in a week to check the incision site. Good luck.” Eva’s crying, Mary’s crying and I can’t stop smiling.

Mary and Eva share a long emotional hug while I move aside. Mary whispers in her ear and pulls back wiping her tears with a smile. “I’ll give you kids some space,” she says and squeezes my hand on the way out.

Sitting on the bed, I gently fold my arms around her. “Thank fuck,” I whisper.

“I’m sorry,” she replies.

Pulling back, I search her golden eyes. “Don’t you ever apologize for this. Look I’m not good at any of this, but the thought of losing you was more than I could bare. You’re everything to me and I knew it before, but now I’m saying it. I love you. Like happily ever after, knight in shining armor, kiss the sleeping princess, love you,” I confess, before pushing my lips to hers.

“I love you too,” she says, around her tears.

Life altering, I knew it. I never thought I’d let anyone in, never mind fall in love. But Eva was everything I was never looking for. We’re two damaged hearts that needed the other to beat as one.