BETH
Gym is an abomination to self-esteem. While changing out of the white ruffled shirt into the required gym attire of a pink Bullitt County High T-shirt and matching shorts, I take stock of the other girls. They gossip as they change. Most brush their hair. Some fix their makeup. All thin. All fit. All beautiful. Not me though. I’m thin enough, but I’m not pretty.
The girls who really irritate me are the ones God gave everything to: money, looks, and a C-cup chest. Gwen is the worst. The moment she enters the locker room, she strips her shirt and walks around freely in her lace bra. Her nonverbal reminder that us B-cups are inferior.
Busting out of the locker room, I relax when I see the gym is empty. Most of the school is a no-cell zone, but not the gym. I desperately need to speak to Mom. It’s been two weeks since the last time I talked to her and her last words to me were that pathetic “please…probation” in the parking lot. Trent wouldn’t permit her to say goodbye to me at the police station. God, I hate him.
I duck under the bleachers, pull the phone out of my shorts pocket, and dial Mom’s number. I’ve called several times over the last two weeks, but she’s never answered. Anytime after four she’d be at the bar. Mom told me once that you’re only an alcoholic if you drink before noon. Good thing for Mom she never wakes before three.
The phone rings once then three loud beeps answer. A calm, annoying voice states a message of doom: “Sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected.”
Regret becomes a weight in my stomach. Last month, I could pay the electricity bill with Mom’s disability check or I could pay the phone bill. The electricity company sent a disconnect notice. I thought I had more time on the phone. I picked the electricity bill.
My throat becomes thick and my eyes burn. Crap—my mom. I messed up. Again. Imagine that. I should have paid the phone bill. I should have found a way. I could have taken on more hours stocking at the Dollar Store. I could have sucked up my pride and asked Noah or Isaiah for money. I could have done so many things and I didn’t. Why am I such a screwup?
I suddenly wish it was ten at night. Isaiah and I talk then—every night. Usually, it’s not for long. Just a few seconds or so. He’s not a phone talker by nature, but the first time I called he asked me to check in nightly and I do. His voice is the only thing keeping me sane.
I slip the phone into my pocket as everyone files into the gym. They chatter and laugh, oblivious to the real problems of the real world. I need to find a ride into Louisville and I need to find one fast. A sharp pain slices through my head and threatens to form into a headache when Lacy breaks away from Chris and Ryan to join me. I’m not in the mood for this—not today.
“You changed quickly,” Lacy says. “Are you okay? You look upset.”
“I’m fine.” But I itch to wipe my eyes. Somehow, they’re wet and full, and I refuse to touch them around Lacy or anyone else. I never cry and I’ll never let anyone believe that I’m capable of the moronic act.
“Five-minute round up!” Mr. Knox, our health teacher, calls.
He wears a shiny whistle around his neck. “On the bulletin board is every exercise you are required to perform in order to receive credit for this class. We will be spending three days in the gym and two in the classroom. Some exercises you can do on your own. Others require teamwork. You have two opportunities to impress me, so I suggest that you use your time wisely and do not come to me for credit unless you have practiced the item to perfection.”
We stare at him in silence. Mr. Knox jerks his thumb behind him. “Get to work.”
I lag behind the others, praying that most of the exercises can be done on my own. My insides twist as I watch people pair off into twos and threes to complete their assignments. Left alone, I sidle up to the board and sigh so heavily that the posted paper moves. Surely I can convince Mr. Knox that I am, within myself, a four-layered pyramid.
“You can work with me.”
My heart stutters at the sound of Ryan’s voice. Damn, why do I have to find everything about this boy attractive? His voice, his face, his biceps, his abs… Stop it! I cross my arms over my chest and turn to face him. “I thought we had an agreement.”
“No. You threw a hissy fit on the first day of school. That doesn’t constitute an agreement.”
Ryan isn’t wearing his baseball cap and I love it. His sandy-blond hair has a golden tone. It’s styled-yet-not-styled into the disarray of not quite curls that kick out in various directions. Get a grip, Beth. Hot guys don’t go for loser girls. “Leave me alone.”
I walk away from Ryan because he shows no sign of leaving me. Stacks of equipment line the wall on the other side of the gym. One of the four items that can be completed on my own is jumping rope. I can do that. I think. I used to jump rope when I was a kid.
I grasp one of the ropes and twenty others tumble out of the box along with it. All of them knotted and intertwined. Gwen and a group of girls giggle as they gawk at me. I wonder if they’ll still be giggling when I turn and beat them with the jump-rope knot from hell.
“Trust fall.” Lacy magically teleports in front of me.
Still holding the train of ropes, I glance up at her. “What?”
“Trust fall. Me and the boys are doing it and you’re going to do it with us.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. Requirements say that we have to have at least two girls in the group.”
I blink twice. “Go ask one of the girls grooming each other like monkeys.”
“Those aren’t girls. They’re vultures.”
Ryan and Chris watch us. The other one studies the five-foot platform we’re supposed to “fall” from. I ask, “What’s the guy with black hair doing in this class?” He wasn’t last week, but he is in my English class and had the balls to tease me on my first day. Platform guy is lucky to be alive.
Lacy waves him off. “That’s Logan. He tested out of his math and they switched his schedule and the rest is totally not important. Let’s go.” She snatches my hand and the rope drags with me until I remember to drop it.
She releases me when we reach the platform. Ryan gives me a condescending smile. “Changed your mind? Don’t worry, most girls do when it comes to me.”
I wish I had a jacket that I could pull around myself and hide in. I don’t, so I do the next best thing. “Did you have to bribe those girls with tacos or was that reserved for me?”
Chris and Logan chuckle and Ryan angles his shoulders away from me. On the other side of the gym, Lacy kicks at a huge foam mat. The boys rescue her by lifting the gigantic mat into the air like it weighs nothing, then tossing it in front of the platform. A spark of panic hurts my lungs. “What’s that for?”
“In case we drop you,” says Logan.
“In case you what?” Frantically, I eyeball the wooden platform that reminds me of a diving board at a public pool. I can’t swim and I don’t jump.
“Drop you,” he repeats.
Lacy smacks the back of Logan’s head. “Stop it. We won’t drop you.”
Of course they won’t, because I’m not jumping. I step backward.
“What’s the plan, Boss Man?” asks Logan as he looks at Ryan. I snort and Ryan glances at me. Of course, they see perfect Ryan as their fearless leader.
Ryan rearranges the mat to center it with the platform. “Each of us takes one practice run. We perfect our technique and then we show Coach. Logan, you’re first. That way if we have the wrong technique, we drop a guy, not a girl.”
Chris, Ryan, and Lacy gather around the mat. I stay planted in my spot. “If you’re the boss, then why don’t you go first?”
“Because Logan’s crazy and would go first even if I didn’t ask. At least now someone’s here to catch him.”
“It’s true,” adds Lacy. “Logan’s too smart for common sense.”
“Fear.” Logan sits on the platform. His legs dangle over the side. “Too smart for fear.”
Lacy shrugs. “Potayto, potahto. Same thing.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Shut it down,” says Ryan. “Come on, Beth. You and Lacy take the area toward his feet. Chris and I will handle his back.”
“Why, so we can get kicked in the head? That’s real gallant.”
“No,” says Ryan with forced patience. “Logan’s all upper body. Chris and I are going to take the heavier part.”
Logan pumps his chest with his fist. “Solid wall, baby.”
“Less talking, more jumping,” says Chris. “Let’s go, dawg.”
I take my place across from Lacy. Without giving me much of a choice, Lacy grabs hold of my hands and seconds later we grip each other tighter when heavy legs plop onto our arms.
“Son-of-a-bitch, Junior,” swears Chris. “You were supposed to count down before you jumped. Drop his sorry ass.”
Okay. Lacy and I let go and Logan falls the remaining way onto the mat. He laughs as he scrambles up. “You caught me just fine.”
“My turn!” Lacy hops over the mat and climbs the platform.
Ryan takes Lacy’s place across from me and offers me his hands. I stare down at them. I don’t touch people and they don’t touch me. I mean, Lacy has, but it’s different. We used to be friends, even if was a long time ago. Sweat forms on my palms and I rub them against my shorts and place my hands over Ryan’s. His fingers clutch mine. His skin is the right mixture of strength and warmth, and his touch sends shivers through my body. I’ve gone two torturous weeks without a cigarette and I really crave one right now.
“All right, Lace,” Ryan says in that deep, soothing voice. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Ryan and I have been holding hands for five seconds.
“It’s kind of high.” Lacy stands on the edge of the platform. A bit of the fire that constantly lives in her eyes diminishes.
Ryan gives me that glorious smile—the cute one with a hint of dimples. A curling heat spreads in my bloodstream. Damn, I like that smile.
“You can do this, baby,” says Chris.
Ryan’s thumb moves across the top of my hands and every single cell of my being becomes a live electrical socket. We’ve been holding hands for ten seconds.
“I know.” Lacy doesn’t look like she knows. She looks as unsure as I feel about catching her. “Maybe one of you guys should go.”
“Turn around, Lace, and fall backward.” Ryan uses a gentle yet commanding tone. Even though he speaks to Lacy, he keeps those brilliant light brown eyes locked on me. His thumb does another heart-skipping sweep across my hand. “You’ve got this and you know we got you.”
I wonder what it would be like if he held me in his arms? Would I feel as alive as I do now?
“You’re right.” She sighs. “Give me a sec.”
My hands sweat again and I don’t want any more thoughts of my body lying next to his or visions of his hands on my skin or hope that his smile is for me. I don’t want anyone touching me anymore. Especially guys that are strong and warm and slightly cute and can make my heart stutter. I try to pull away, but Ryan tightens his grip. “What are you doing?”
“She can’t do it,” I say. “And she shouldn’t have to.”
Ryan studies me for a second. “Yes, she can. Lacy can do anything she puts her mind to.”
I try to jerk my arms away again, but Ryan’s hold is too tight.
“This is stupid.” Panic floods my brain and makes me feel a little crazy. “All of this is stupid. What’s the stupid point?”
“To learn how to work together as a team and to put our trust in one another.” Ryan’s voice becomes a calming balm on my panic until I figure out how much I want to listen. This isn’t good. Not good at all. Isn’t that how the pied piper worked? Didn’t he play something soothing and all the rats drowned?
“I’m not a part of your stupid team.”
“I know, but let’s pretend for a few seconds that you are.”
“She’s ready,” says Chris.
A split second later Lacy’s Nikes are inches from my face. Resting safely in our hands, Lacy laughs. “That was great. Let’s do it again.”
Ryan releases me and helps the guys lower Lacy to her feet. I step back and try to rub any trace of Ryan off onto my clothes. I don’t want strong hands holding my arms. I don’t want to be part of a team, and I sure as hell don’t have to prove anything by jumping off a ledge.
“You’re next, Beth,” Ryan says.
“No.” The word comes out automatically.
“You’re going to have to go sometime, so let’s do it now.”
“I swear it’s not that bad.” Lacy flies to my side. “At first I was like ‘no way’ and then Ryan was like ‘You can’ and then I thought ‘I can’t’ and then I thought ‘These guys would never drop me’ and I was like ‘Okay’ and then I did it and it was such a rush.”
Logan and Chris warily look at me. They’d drop me. Just like Ryan would definitely drop me. “What type of game are you playing?” I ask of Ryan.
He narrows his eyes. “What?”
“You used Lacy to lure me over here. Was your plan to make me believe I could trust you and then drop me so everyone can laugh?” With each word, my voice becomes higher and my heart pounds faster in my chest.
Ryan shakes his head. “No.”
I turn on my heel and head to the locker room. I’ll claim cramps and blood and periods and tampons and keep saying words like menstruation until the teacher lets me out of class. Right on the verge of entering the locker room, Ryan’s large figure looms in front of me. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Go away,” I say.
He points at me. “You are a part of this team and you will help us until this task is done.”
“No,” I bite out. “I’m not part of your perfect team.”
“Get back over there.”
“Here’s the beauty of living in America. You can’t make me do a damn thing.” I slam my body into his and enter the safety of the locker room.