BETH
What does my tattoo mean? Five seconds ago my body was blazing and five words freeze me like an arctic wind. Ryan brushes my hair off my shoulder and tilts his head as he waits for an answer.
I keep eye contact as the devil inside me fights with my desire to tell Ryan something I’ve never told anyone before. “It means freedom.”
Ryan readjusts so that his body touches mine. His abs ripple as he moves. Oh my God, he’s incredible and I’m shirtless on his bed and he wants to have a conversation. Ryan can be so…so…frustrating.
“Why did you choose that tattoo?”
I glance away and blow out air through my lips. There are some secrets that are mine and mine alone. Why can’t Ryan work with me? Why can’t he let me give him this night? I lean up and kiss his lips. Ryan presses back, but he keeps the exchange short. I flop back on the bed. “You’re straight, right?”
Ryan chuckles. “Very.” And to prove his point he makes my toes curl when he skims a finger in the narrow valley between my breasts, down my stomach, and plays with the edge of my low-rise jeans. “I’m dying right now.”
I refuse to give him the satisfaction of closing my eyes in pleasure. There should be another badge in that for me. “Then why are we talking?”
“What do you know about me?” he asks.
I shrug. “A lot.”
“Tell me some of it.”
Oookaaay. “You love baseball and writing. Your gay brother can kick most guys’ asses.”
Ryan laughs and I smile. I love his laughter. It reminds me of music.
An ache darkens his eyes and his hand stops flirting with the elastic of my underwear. “You know a lot more than that.”
“I do.” I link my fingers with his and wish I could take his pain. I know his parents hate each other and that this trip is an attempt to save their marriage. They won’t divorce, but it’s an attempt to rekindle the flame. I also know that watching his family fall apart is killing Ryan.
More importantly, beyond all the hurt that pricks at him, I know that I bring a smile to his face and I know that he loves me.
“I know very little about you and I want to know everything.”
And we’re done. “You know plenty.” He knows enough. I roll away and reach for my shirt on the pillow beside him. Ryan snatches it and tosses it across the room. “You’re not running from me anymore, Beth.”
Hot anger courses through my bloodstream. “I’m not running. I thought we were going to enjoy each other tonight and obviously you’re not up for it.”
“Tell me about your dad.” Ryan stays lazily stretched on the bed while I straighten my spine by his pillows. How can he be so arrogant as to think he deserves answers from me?
“That is none of your business.” That’s no one’s business.
“Come on. Tell me something. Tell me about your mom.” His voice becomes taunting and I curl my legs into my chest.
“Her name is Sky.” There, I gave him something.
“You can do better.” Anger creeps into his patient tone. “Tell me why Scott won’t let you see her. Tell me something. Anything. You told me once that you aren’t scared of anything. Right now I see a liar, because you’re terrified.”
My head snaps up. “Fuck you.”
Ryan doesn’t flinch. “Tell me why you’re back in Groveton. Why aren’t you still in Louisville with your mom?”
“I was arrested, all right?” My pulse thunders at every pressure point in my body. Will this be it? The final blow that pushes him from me? Three days. I have three days until I leave and this is not how tonight was supposed to go.
Not expecting that answer, Ryan’s eyebrows furrow together. Nausea spins in my stomach. He’s judging me. I know it. Ryan grabs hold of my ankle before I can step onto the floor. “You already know my opinion on running. What were you arrested for?”
Sweat breaks out on my skin. I can imagine the thoughts in his head and his impending judgment. “Does it matter?”
He loosens his grip as his fingers slowly slide up my leg and massage my calf through the material of my jeans. “I don’t care who you were in Louisville because I’m in love with the girl you are now.”
Love. That word from him makes my heart flutter and my head hurt. “Then why do you want to know?”
“Because I want you to trust me.”
Blah. Trust. “I’m half-naked on your bed. We could be doing so many other things.”
The right side of Ryan’s mouth quirks up. “And if you tell me, maybe we’ll get around to those things.”
I pull my hair forward. What do I tell him? The official story or the real story? He told me about his brother and his parents. I can trust him with this. “My mom broke out the windows of her asshole boyfriend’s car after he hit her. He was going to hit her again, so I picked up the bat and was swinging it over my shoulder to hit him when the cops showed. Mom is on probation, so I took the fall for the destruction of property. My aunt called Scott to bail me out so…” I wave my hand in the air. “Here I am.”
Silence. I hate silence. Silence means thinking and thinking means judgment.
Ryan edges closer to me and flips my hair from my face. “You let the police arrest you instead of your mom?”
Missing my shirt, I draw my knees back up. “Wouldn’t you?”
“Beth.” I hear the tense hesitation in his voice. “What you did is admirable, but it’s not normal. You shouldn’t have to take the fall for your mom. You shouldn’t have to pick up a baseball bat to defend her…or anyone.”
He straightens and I watch as our trip into Louisville clicks into place. “In fact, you shouldn’t even be taking care of your mom. You knew she would be at the bar, didn’t you? You knew what you would be up against. This is screwed up. Your mom should be taking care of you. Not the other way around.”
My throat tightens. There is no way he could ever understand. “It’s what I do. She needs me.”
Ryan runs a hand over his face and shifts off the bed. His body pulsates with a dangerous energy as he paces the floor. “What were you fighting about with Isaiah that night outside the coaching facility?”
“Nothing.” I give the answer too quickly, and the pointed glare from Ryan tells me he knows I’m hiding the truth.
He continues his circle of the room. “I heard him tell you that you belonged in Groveton, and that’s when you went nuts. You were going to run away that night, weren’t you? That’s why you were mad at him. He stopped you from going.”
Panic surges through my body and I hop off the bed. Where did he throw my shirt? I have to go before he figures it out. A black blob lies in the corner. I take two steps and strong arms grab my waist.
“I already said you aren’t running.” Ryan’s light brown eyes bore into mine. “From the moment I began to care for you, I’ve always felt like you were slipping away. Sometimes when you kiss me I feel like you’re saying goodbye. I kept telling myself that was in my head. That you’re scared to love me so you retreat. It’s more than that, isn’t it? Scott won’t let you near your mom so you’re planning to run away with her.”
Ten minutes ago, I wanted nothing more than his body close to mine. Now his closeness is too much. I need space and I can’t move.
His fingers press tight into my skin. “When?”
My mouth becomes dry and I stare at the floor. This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go. Ryan raises his voice and yells, “When?!”
I don’t want to lie to him. “Soon.”
Ryan moves his hands off my hips and curls me into his body. A body that a few seconds before stood solid in anger. My heart breaks from the desperation of his defeat. His forehead rests against mine and his hand grips my hair. “Stay, Beth.”
I close my eyes and wrap myself around him. I’m going to miss this: Ryan’s strength, his warmth, his love. “I love you, Ryan,” I whisper, half hoping he doesn’t hear it. Why does everything hurt so damn bad?
His body stiffens and my heart stops. Maybe he did hear me. Ryan places his hands on my shoulders and gently pushes my body from his. His eyes dart over my face. “I don’t lose. Do you hear me? I don’t lose and that includes losing you. I’m done being kept in the dark. I’m done feeling like you’re slipping right past me. You are not saying goodbye to me. I’m in love with you and you love me back. You’re staying.”
Ryan says it as if it’s an easy decision. Like I could forsake my responsibilities. Like these chains that have been strangling me for years can easily be cast off. “I can’t.”
The anger and confusion drains from his face and the calm and control I’ve only seen while he’s on the pitcher’s mound take command. “I won’t let you go.”
I blink. As if he could stop me. “You won’t let me go.”
“No, I won’t let you go. You’re mine and I don’t lose.” He rests his hands on his hips and I see the same cockiness from Taco Bell, as if telling me to leave my mother to die is no different than asking for my phone number.
“This isn’t a game to be won or lost. There are things in my life that were set in motion before I took my first breath. I don’t have a choice in this.”
“That’s bullshit. Everyone has choices and I’ve made mine. There is no way you’re leaving.”
He’s so confident that part of me believes him. “I’m not?”
“Nope. Three months ago you had no roots here, but now, you’ve got them.”
“Roots.”
“Roots,” he repeats. “You’re on the homecoming court and starting to do well at school. My friends love you. You’re closer to Scott. You have a best friend in Lacy.”
My mind races and so does my breathing. I made a life here—in Groveton. A life I enjoy. A life I could keep. Ryan draws me into him. He lowers his head as his fingers leave a burning path across my cheek. “You have me.”
The pure emotion in his voice causes me to shiver. I could try to build a wall, but the intensity of his gaze tells me he’d see through anything. The seconds stretch between us. His lips come dangerously close to mine, yet he keeps them away. With his hand warm on my face, his nose skims my jawline and I try to inhale to steady my pulse.
Ryan tugs at the loops on my jeans and guides me back onto the bed. Taking my hand, he urges me to stretch out beside him. His jeans hang right along his hip bones and I swallow.
I’m in love with him. Tonight I was going to give him a memory of me. I found the confidence and I was in control. My heart stutters. I lost my control. I lost my confidence. My hand shakes as I touch his bare chest.
“I want you to trust me.” Ryan brushes his hand down my arm and I tremble. The signals he sends are unmistakable. There are times when you stand on the cusp of moments so huge, you know you’ll remember them forever. This is that moment for me and for Ryan. I’m not seducing him. He’s not seducing me. Instead, we’re choosing to be together.
I suck in a breath and rush out the words before I lose the courage to say them. “I trust you.” And please, please don’t use that against me.
“I’m in love with you,” he whispers.
“Are you scared?” I ask him. Because I am. Terrified. Earlier I was anxious, but not frightened. This isn’t me giving him a memory. This is me giving him my heart.
“I don’t want to hurt you. Tell me if I do and we’ll stop.” Ryan slides his thumb over my lower lip. The warmth he creates melts the fear.
Unable to speak, I nod. In painfully slow movements, Ryan lowers his head closer and edges his body over me. His lips press gently against mine and as I gasp for air I whisper the words to him again. “I love you.”