Fucked.

I am utterly, whole-heartedly, fucked over.

Astor snoozes next to me, the multiple round of orgasms I gave her doing their job and tuckering her out. She’s nestled against the crook of my neck, my scarred arm wrapped around her protectively, like I can prevent what has to come next from hurting her.

I like her too much. I knew it as soon as I turned the engine and drove over to her place, but better sense couldn’t stop me. If I had to leave this town, this life, I had to touch my goodbyes on her rose-scented skin before I went. She would’ve haunted my dreams, ghosted my memories, if I hadn’t. At least, that’s what I rationalized on the trip over here.

Guess I didn’t consider that after having her, her soul would sear into my bones.

Having her wrap around me so tightly, Astor’s wet heat gripping my dick so well I came hard way too quickly—that was mere confirmation of what I already knew. She was different, this girl. Astor had me wrapped around her pinky finger the instant our eyes locked, and her pussy knew it.

See what I mean? I’m fantastically, royally screwed.

She’s innocence and perfection, eager and skilled, precious and independent, all in one. Astor’s the real deal. And we could be something, if I stayed. She could give me that happily ever after I never thought I deserved, if I allowed it to happen.

If I were so selfish, I’d do it.

Dodge’s face swirls behind my eyelids, his high-pitched laugh and deadly promise. He’ll never know about this night, because what happened between me and Astor has nothing to do with his ultimatum.

But if he goes through on his word, today will change my life, and I can’t be here to see it.

Ever so carefully, I tip my chin to kiss Astor’s temple, then slide my arm out from underneath her. She stirs, and I murmur comforts in her ear until she falls back into slumber.

Her profile, the slant of her cheekbone and strong line of her nose, call to my touch, and I trace each defined feature of hers before I put time and distance between us.

I’m able to slide on my clothes, toss my duffel bag I was wary of leaving in my dented, cracked car, across my shoulders, without bothering Astor. I take a moment to stand over her, remember every curve and angle, before I close my eyes on an exhale and say good-bye.

You’ll never know why I left, but hopefully you’re remember how good we were to each other last night.

No. Astor’s too smart for sweet-scented memories. Maybe I can write some kind of note, anything to tell her she’s not the one-night-stand she’ll consider herself to be when she wakes up and I’m long gone.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Astor’s door jolts me out of my hopeful fugue and I mutter, “Shit,” as Astor jerks awake.

“Open up! It’s the RA!”

Astor blinks, the fog of rest dissipating as she takes in where I’m standing, fully clothed, with my bag over my shoulder.

“You’re leaving?”

I swallow, giving myself time to think. “I had to get out early, to—”

“Open up, Hayes!”

Astor tugs her bed sheets up over her body, now avoiding my eye. “Just a second! Where’s my shirt…”

“Astor,” I say.

“Don’t.” She’s still not looking at me. “Your actions are making it clear enough.”

“You don’t understand—”

“Astor Hayes, open up this door immediately!”

“God…fuck.” Astor gives up, wraps the sheet around herself and goes to the door. She avoids brushing against any part of me as she does so.

“What, Marcia?” she says as she swings the door open.

“We got reports of—oh. Ben Donahue. Hi. Hi.”

The RA, Marcia, I guess her name is, flutters her porcelain doll green eyes at me as she steps into the room.

“Hey,” I say reluctantly. “What’d you get reports of? Astor and I were kind of in the middle of something.”

“Right,” Marcia says, taking her time assessing the sheet wrapped around Astor’s body. “Great game yesterday, by the way. I didn’t know you were here….anyway. Yes. Reports of weed. In this room.”

“Huh?” Astor and I say at the same time.

And right at that moment, at that terrible, black second of reality, I see the shadow behind Marcia.

“Hue, buddy! How’s it hangin?”

Dodge’s scrawny form steps out from behind Marcia. His face is worse for wear, but no worse than the rest of him.

I unclench my jaw. This boy isn’t going to see any reaction from me. I say to Marcia, “You know what that kind of accusation does to a guy like me?”

“I—like I said, I didn’t know you were here,” Marcia says. “You sure this is where you got the weed?” she asks Dodge.

“You’re going to believe a guy like him?” I ask.

I’m being aggressive, potentially frightening the girl, but I can’t think of anything else to get them both out of the room. Now. Before Astor speaks. Before Dodge is given time to say any fucking thing he wants.

“More like, is she going to believe a guy like you?” Dodge says, smiling with pure evil. When his milky gaze slides to Astor, I say frantically, “Astor, whatever this dude says, he’s lying. Okay? He’s lying.”

Astor’s hands are shaking as she clutches her sheets, but she’s looking at me like I have all the answers. “What’s going on?”

“You did it, man. Congratulations. You did the dare,” Dodge says.

A gong show could’ve happened in this room, and nobody would’ve noticed. Marcia glances between all of us.

“Is there actually weed here? Or is this—omigod, it is! It’s one of your famous pranks, right Ben? I heard about this. The girls on this floor talk about it all the time. All the crazy shit you guys get up to on campus. I can’t believe…can I get a picture? Can we…” She trails off, finally considering Astor, frail and hunched over despite her height, cowering in white sheets. “Omigod. You’re the dare. You’re Ben’s latest conquest.”

“She certainly is!” Dodge crows. “Well done, man. Tell me, did any of her zits puss while you fucked her?” He thrust his hips, having sex with the air. “Pop-pop-pop-pop!”

There’s a camera flash. Marcia actually has the balls to take a fucking picture.

“GET OUT!” I roar, and she drops her phone as she fumbles with fear. “Get the fuck out! Both of you!”

Astor, finding some semblance of herself, grabs the phone off the floor, and after a few thumb taps on it, opens up the sole window in the room and throws it outside.

“Hey!” Marcia says.

“Go get it,” Astor says. “And take your little bitch with you.”

“You talkin’ to me?” Dodge points at his chest. “That’s not right, considering you’re the bitch who only got fucked on a dare.”

Dodge barely gets the last part out, since I’m tossing him through the door by his throat. He enjoys every second, laughing, spitting, guttural with mirth.

“Well done, dude. Your secret’s safe with me,” Dodge says, but I slam the door in his face.

“Astor,” I say.

“You, too,” she says flatly, looking to the floor. “You need to leave.”

“You’re not a dare. You were never—”

“Here’s the thing. I’m well aware of what you guys do, since my brother is a part of it, and your disgusting point system that comes with it. Fuck TA’s. Fuck Professors. Fuck ugly girls.”

I rush forward. “Astor, that’s not what this was.”

She retreats, as if my very proximity repulses her. “I don’t believe Locke had anything to do with this. He wouldn’t do that. Not to me.”

“Locke didn’t,” I say. “Because this wasn’t—”

“But Dodge? I know how he’s trying to get in with you guys. How you enjoy initiating people who think they can be part of your ridiculous, twisted game ring. I can see Ash putting you up to something like this.”

“Ash had nothing to do with it. They have nothing to do with this. Dodge is sick in the head—”

At last, she lays eyes on me, but they’re flat. Emotionless. “Did Dodge ask you to screw me in order for you to gain something?”

I hesitate.

“Tell me the truth, Ben.”

“He has something on me,” I admit, but follow up in a rush, “But I refused. I’d never put you in that kind of position—”

“But you did,” she chokes out. Goddammit, her eyes shine with tears. “You put me in that exact position, and now there’s a picture of it.”

“You deleted it,” I say dumbly. The time she spent tapping on Marcia’s phone before tossing it could only be because she’s quick enough to do something like that.

“It’s called the cloud for a reason, asshole,” she spits, the tears doing nothing to snuff out the fire building underneath her cheeks. “You did it. Congratulations. You humiliated Acne Hayes. You can ascend to whatever throne you fuckers give yourselves. You’re nothing but college assholes, you know that? None of this shit flies in real life, so get your rocks off now before you’re seen as the pathetic, former boy wonders who couldn’t grow up and treat women with respect if we cut your balls off.”

For once, I’m at a loss for words, at the exact point I need them the most. “Please, Astor. If we could sit down, I can explain.”

“What does he have on you?” She looks me dead in the eye when she asks it.

My mouth works, but fuck that fucker Dodge, I can’t tell her the truth.

She slumps, and I hear the crack of her heart as if it had sound. “You won’t even tell me that much.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” I try saying. “It’s a lot more complicated than you think.”

“Let me simplify it for you then,” Astor says. She clutches the sheet tighter around her chest. “I’m not going to tell Locke about this, because he’d kill you if he knew. And if anyone’s going to murder you, it’ll be me. So get the hell out and don’t come back.”

“Astor—”

“Get out!” she screams, so loud and sharply, her voice breaks under the pressure.

Staying here hurts her further. Filling up the space in the room with useless excuses only steals the little oxygen we have left. But what would help? What could stop this becoming so much worse? My leaving her alone. For good.

Astor has it all wrong, but she’s come to the right conclusion.

I nod, turning away from her as I do it. I can’t stand looking into those shattered eyes of hers anymore.

“I’m sorry, Astor.”

“Fuck you.”

Her breaths are the last sound I hear, increasing in speed and sound as I open the door, and unleashed as a sob as soon as I shut it.