When I leave Yang’s office, I expect to go straight to Ben, blubber the great news, go have fantastic sex somewhere semi-public—since we seem to like doing that—and then go break the news to our friends that we’re an item.

A busy day, but nothing we can’t handle. At least for now, the danger meter pointing toward Ben is at an orange. Which, he’s the first to admit, has been his constant state of alert since his Ryan counterpart was given a voice.

As such, great news should be celebrated with great sex.

We’re okay, Ben. Holy shit, we’re okay.

Too bad for me, I forgot in order to get to Ben, I’d have to pass Mike.

He shoots up from his cubicle like a tailored weed, and it’s all I can do to keep my heart from ramming against my ribcage a second time.

“Jesus, Mike.”

“Enjoyed that, did you?” he says. Despite the chest-high fabric wall of the cubicle between us, he leans in close.

I sigh. “Enjoy what, Mike? Didn’t you hear the reaming out I got from Yang?”

“You set me up,” he spits. So violently, I take a step back.

“I didn’t do any such thing.”

“Leaving that kind of paper trail on your computer, pointing it straight at your fuckboy. That was your last ditch effort at humiliating me, huh? So I’d bring it to Yang and what? Look like a retard? You fucking bitch.”

Next door, Taryn turns, but I hold a hand up. I got this.

“Listen, you dickless prick. I’ve been done with you the minute I kicked you out of our apartment. The last thing I’d do is expend any effort on making you look bad.” I pause to look him up and down. “I worked hard for that information, which was farther than you ever got. And yeah, I was wrong. And rather than make it out as a set-up, how about you just admit the fact that even while making mistakes, I’m still smarter than you.”

The sound of Taryn’s claps make Mike go red in the face. “I am so glad I—”

“Oh, I know, Mike. You’re so glad you realized your ways and didn’t marry a dried-up hag of a woman who, even with a cold vagina, could still make you come hard. And fast.”

He peels back his lips.

“Looks like we both come out winners,” I say. “Goodbye, Mike.”

It’s hard to believe I settled for him, believing I couldn’t do better. That he’s what I deserved. It feels good to face him down one final time.

Taryn lets out a little whoop! But I’m already striding away, so she can’t see my smile.

“At least I don’t run back to a dude who could only fuck me on a dare!” Mike shouts.

I hitch my stride. Don’t turn around. Don’t give him the pleasure—

“What do you think he’s getting out of it now, huh? Gotta be something, to have a stiff like you wrapped around his finger. If it’s not to protect his identity, then what?”

The prickle of anger spreads at the corner of my eyes. Don’t turn around.

“Have a nice, empty life, Astor.”

His voice fades, but not his words. They sink into my conscious as a stark reminder that yes, Ben could be using me to keep himself safe.

Could I blame him? It’s his life, after all. His family.

I scrunch my eyes shut and breathe out before I hit the lobby. Despite the painful, possible truth, I won’t give Mike any clue of just how close he’s coming to a spiteful reveal of Ben’s secret past, even now.

I have Yang to thank for that. Never thought he would be my savior of the day.

Ben’s form comes into view as I round the last corner, and as he stands, it’s obvious I’m not doing enough to disguise my emotions. Damn it, he’s already cracking through my exterior.

“What’s up?” he says as I step up to him. “You don’t look—”

“Come with me.”

I grab his arm and take him to a second, private conference room just off the lobby, the one room not in line with this firm’s penchant for a fish bowl. It’s for VIPs, confidential clients, and confronting Ben.

“The dare,” I say when I shut the solid, wooden door and spin to face him. “It’s time to tell me the truth.”

“Astor, we’ve been through this.”

“No. Not really. Not since I’ve known who you really are.”

Ben rubs his index finger and thumb against his eyes. “You need to tell me where this is coming from.”

“I went into this office today willing to do anything in my power to keep you safe,” I say. “I would lie, cheat, and steal to keep your secret under wraps. I was willing to tell Yang I got the wrong Ben Donahue, to forge documents pointing to the death of another Ben Donahue—the real Ryan Delaney. I’d already had a person lined up who could give me those documents, so desperate was I to get you out of this terrifying spotlight.”

Ben’s hand drops from his face. “Holy shit. Seriously?”

“Yes, Ben.” God, I want to scream. Punch the clarity into him. “Everything in my power was yours. I am yours.”

“Honey, I know.” He takes a step forward.

“Don’t.”

“Astor, I—”

“I had to get a handle on my boss, on Taryn, on Mike, who God knows what he’d do with this information. I was scared out of my wits and didn’t care what would happen to me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

“Because I didn’t want to scare you, too,” I admit with a shaking voice. “More than you already were. I wanted to fix this pandora’s box I opened.”

“How many times to I have to tell you this isn’t your fault?”

“You can tell me now,” I say. “Now that it’s fixed. Yang’s deleted everything about you. He’s made up some story, at the extreme behest of the DOJ, that’s convinced Mike and Taryn that this was a goose chase. That I screwed up my research and it was never you in the first place. Mike, of course, thinks it’s a set-up to humiliate him, which I’ll let him believe since that’s a happy accident arising out of this clusterfuck.”

“Good. This is all good, right?”

“Yes. It’s amazing.” I pause to swallow. “Even better for you if it means I played right into your hands.”

“E-Excuse me?”

I decide to bit the hard, bitter bullet. “Did you use me this whole time?”

“Did I—? Astor, no.”

“Because all I have are my memories. And you used me back then.”

“No. I—okay.” Ben inhales. Nods. “I see where this is going now. Thank God. Not—I don’t mean I’m thankful this is happening, but I sure as fuck am relieved I finally understand this conversation.”

I cross my arms, a physical shield to the aching organ behind them.

“Do you remember a guy named Dodge?” Ben asks.

My brows come together. “What does he have to do with anything?”

“Just hear me out. He’s a former teammate, in college. Was kicked off for a positive drug test, and went downhill from there. Crack, cocaine, heroine, he was like a gradient going from bad drugs to worse.”

I nod. “Yes, I remember him. I especially remember when he burst into my dorm room the morning you were sneaking out of my bed.”

Ben rubs his lips together. “A guy that beat-up on drugs, that addicted, tends to lurk in dark corners. Literally. I had a meet set-up with Aiden—the U.S. Marshal you met—one night. It was at a diner, way offroad from the campus, in a neighborhood rarely frequented by college kids, if you get my meaning.”

“So you met in a poorer suburb.”

“Yes. It never occurred to me that Dodge would be there, too. But he’s short on cash, desperate, down on his luck. Of course he’d be prowling the outskirts. And he saw me through the window, in one of the booths, talking to Aiden.”

“He knew who Aiden was?”

“No. He knew who I was, and that made me and my guest an ample target. Better to stick with what you know is harmless and safe than try to mug a stranger with a gun. There was a moment Aiden went to the bathroom and I got up to pay—it wasn’t a place where the waitresses fetched you a bill. I guess Aiden’s wallet slipped out onto the booth when he stood. Dodge went over, found the wallet, scraped it for cash, and saw the shield.”

My lips part. “Oh.”

“Yeah. He figured I was talking to a cop, but didn’t know for what. But I’m sure you’ve figured out, it didn’t matter for what. The fact he saw me with a cop was enough to compromise me. If he blabbered it to Locke, to anyone, and it got around I’m associated with law enforcement…it would bring up questions I couldn’t answer.”

“But, couldn’t you have made up some story? He’s a family friend, or something?”

Ben smiles sadly at me, like he thinks it’s cute I’m trying to solve something that toppled dominos long ago.

“Aiden saw him before I did,” Ben says. “Launched himself at Dodge and tackled him. Got back his shield. But Dodge had been creeping up to us for a while. Heard enough of a conversation to get him suspicious. The gist of which would prove Aiden wasn’t a family friend.”

“You were exposed,” I surmise.

“Enough to cause great concern. Especially when Dodge felt opportunistic about the whole thing. He knew he’d been listening in on something he wasn’t supposed to. Did he know I was in WITSEC? No, probably not. But I’d been careful ever since discovering my history at sixteen. I didn’t want anything hurting my parents.”

“So…Dodge blackmailed you? Said you had to what? Fuck me or he’d tell? That doesn’t make sense.”

“Dodge wanted back on the team. To be part of something again. Have friends. Me, Locke, East, Ash, we were the closest he had, before he fucked it all up. And he was pissed at me for not going to bat for him when he tested positive for weed. Those were the good ol’ days, before he got into the meth.”

“So…blackmail and revenge?”

Ben shakes his head. “Dodge died soon after. You didn’t hear about it?”

I shake my head. I was too deep in my own mortification to hear about Dodge’s demise.

“An overdose. His last words, according to the other druggie he was with, were, I ain’t got friends. I got enemies of my own making.”

“That’s terrible,” I say, and I mean it. “But what does this have to do—”

“I can’t give you answers on Dodge’s motivations. I’m telling you this to explain why Dodge came into your room that morning, laughing. Talking about a dare.”

“Because you did as he asked. You did it to protect your identity until you and Aiden could figure out how to appease Dodge.”

“No. What happened with you and I was real. It was just very, very bad timing. I wasn’t thinking, when you answered that door, Astor. You looked…fuck, you were so sexy and innocent at the same time. I nearly exploded in my pants.”

I try not to feel warm at the compliment, such that it is. “You couldn’t have let me in on Dodge’s sick dare?”

“How? Without compromising what happened with him and Aiden? I stopped thinking, Astor, and that’s my fault. I saw you and my brain shut off. You were all-consuming, and it was the best night I’d had in a very long time. Because for once, I didn’t feel weight on my shoulders. All I could feel was you.”

“Ben.”

“I didn’t know Dodge followed me, especially after I knocked him out. Had no idea he’d burst through your door, blabbering about a fake dare. And Jesus, I did not know your RA would come in soon after and take a pic of it.”

“I can believe this. I can, because of what’s happened recently, and the very real threat to your life. But I can’t reconcile what you did after, when you just…left me.”

“I was leaving that morning for good,” Ben says quietly. “I was making plans with Aiden to leave.”

“Leave?” I echo. “You mean, leave as Ben, right? Figure out how to handle Dodge and come back as Ben.”

“No. I was prepared to become someone else. To keep my family out of whatever Dodge might figure out. But he died, and that’s the only reason I stayed.”

“Did…was Dodge’s death…”

“Orchestrated by Aiden? Fuck, no. He hates paperwork, especially the secret government kind. It was a wake up call, Astor. A lucky one. How shaky my life is, and how quickly it can be taken away. I don’t even have to die. I can still lose everything, and I didn’t want to lose you. So I stayed away from you because I thought it was the best choice.”

“You let me hate you. Glare at you across dinner tables. Essentially treat you like shit,” I say.

“I’m human. I got comfortable again, even though I wanted to distance. Your brother’s fucking impossible to shake. He warmed me up, I became convinced I could play pro-ball and be okay, because who was around to threaten me? No one. Dodge was gone, I was protected from afar—Aiden and I didn’t meet again after that—and everything looked golden. Except for you. I figured I fucked things up so badly, it was better to let you despise me.”

“And then your parents’ killers were arrested,” I murmur. “And all the fears came back.”

“There is some good that came out of it.” Ben tries for a smile. “You came back, too.”

I close the space between us, but I’m afraid to touch him.

He lowers his chin and says, “I didn’t use you, Astor. I never have. All I can say is, whenever the worst happens to me, the only good that comes out of it is you.”

“You’ve gone through so much. You deserve some good in your life. I don’t know if it’s me, but…”

“Are you kidding?” Ben catches my hand and kisses my fingers.

“I’m—I’m like they say, a lot of the time. Hard. Cold. Mean.”

He smiles through the spaces of my fingers. “You turn into warm, mushy putty in my hands.”

I laugh uncomfortably and try to pull away, but he holds firm.

“Astor, you’re brilliant, and kind, and you love your family. You were devastated by your mom’s cancer and are still picking up the pieces. But you’re so dedicated to doing what’s right, you were willing to torpedo your life’s work for what? Me? A guy who, for all you knew, used you and might as well have dumped you on the side of the road? That’s not a cold, heartless soul. That’s a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and who she wants to protect. At all costs. And I love her for that. Love you.”

He slides his fingers across my cheek, lightly cupping my jaw. I turn into it and kiss his palm. “I believe you. It’s against my nature to say this, but I should’ve believed you from the beginning.”

“I’m not exactly the picture of a perfect guy,” he says. He tips my chin up. “Maybe it’s you who doesn’t deserve me. I’m still a danger to the people around me. Chavez is still outside—literally—and could figure out who I am.”

“Not if I have anything to do with it,” I say fiercely. “You will stay Ben Donahue and never run away again. Hear me?”

Ben closes his lips and smiles. “I hear you, honey.”

“Don’t ever try to leave,” I whisper. “Not without me by your side.”

He pulls me into his chest. “We’re not going anywhere, you and I. We have family here. Brothers. A baby goddaughter. And we’ll be here to watch those fuckers pay for my parents’ souls.”

I nod into the fabric of his coat. “You did good by them, Ben. Your parents. They’d be proud of you.”

“That’s the greatest compliment you could give. I’d forgotten them for so long, I was sure they’d be disappointed I was choosing Ben over Ryan.”

“You are choosing life over death. And through you, Ryan will always be alive.” I curl my fingers into his lapels and lift up to kiss him. Ben. Ryan.

I love them both.

Softly, he sucks my lower lip. Gently, I graze his tongue with my teeth. It’s a calm, soothing, whole-hearted kiss, and never in my life have I felt so safe. So loved.

I’m proud of you, too, sweetie, I swear I hear my mom say. It’s the first time I’ve heard her voice, so clear, so strong, in much too long.

I break the kiss, leaving enough room for the barest breaths between us. “We’ve both lost people important to us. But we’ve found each other. And I know our parents are looking down on us with peace in their hearts.”

“They are, Astor.” Ben tucks my head under his chin. He kisses my hair and repeats, “It’s through them, we found each other.”