“Hold the door for me, Carson.” Anna brushed past me, flicking her hair over her shoulder. She probably didn’t mean to smack me with it, but Anna has always been capable of far more than she thinks she is.

“I’m pretty sure I paid for your cell phone through this month. So why are you here?”

“Because I was told to come by your smarter and hotter older brother,” she grumbled.

“I’m way hotter than he is.” I’d give him smarter though. Well, normally I’d give him smarter, but not right now. Because I distinctly remembered telling him Anna didn’t need to be here for this. I didn’t want drama. I wanted this to be as pain-free as possible, and pain-free was an impossibility around both Anna and my mother, in a bunch of different ways.

Hayden peeked out of the conference room. “The only two who don’t have somewhere else to be are the two holding everyone up. Do you mind?”

Right, but I couldn’t help mouthing off as I headed for the room. “Not true, Hayden. Anna’s probably supposed to be getting a facial or hair thing done right now. Or was it a facial hair thing? I always forget.”

I let Anna go in first—not because I was feeling polite, but because before I could move my feet, I had to remove my brother’s hand from my shirt.

“Is there a problem?” I asked quietly.

The board members were all standing, showing the kind of chivalry my stepsister only expected from men she barely knew.

“You don’t have to do this,” Hayden said. “We can handle O’Leary, and nothing has to change.”

“I have to change, bro. Me. I can’t pull anyone else down while I’m trying to figure out how.” I shook his hand off. “Wish me luck.”

“It’s a bad idea, Carson.”

“Then you shouldn’t be surprised I had it. Bad ideas are the only kind I have.” Damn it, my laugh sounded sadder than if I was actually crying.

“What are you going to do after this? You think you’re unnecessary and that people only need your money, but you’re wrong. You get as much from this place as the families do.”

“You’re right,” I whispered as I went inside the room. “That’s why I can’t fuck it up.” The truth—and something I tried not to think too much about because it was depressing as shit—was that I was never gonna have a normal family and I was never gonna have kids of my own. And this place, the families it helped, well…they were as close as I was ever going to get.

“Wow,” I said to the crowd. “You’re all pretty intimidating for a bunch of rich white guys and my stepsister.” Anna seemed preoccupied with her phone. A few of the others grinned, but not for long. They didn’t know why I’d gotten everyone together, but they knew it wouldn’t be good news.

Before I could inflate my balls enough to say what I needed to say, Hayden started talking.

“We all know my brother’s proclivity towards screwing up, but what he is too stupid to understand is that he isn’t the only one. Nor does he understand that his current situation isn’t his screw-up.”

“How about you let the rest of us know what’s going on?” Scott asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “How about you let me know what’s going on, too? But give me a second—I’m still trying to figure out if that was a compliment or an insult.”

“A bit of both, but I’d say it definitely leaned more towards an insult,” Hayden said before addressing the people he was nice to. “All Kevin O’Leary wants is Carson’s apology and a check. Unfortunately—”

“Wait! Who are we talking about?” Anna asked, finally raising her head and feigning interest. Hayden sighed and quickly filled her in on what had happened while she’d been playing tackle football with an asshole, or whatever she did with her time nowadays.

He talked and she listened without moving, not even her eyes.

And fuck if I didn’t start thinking Hayden had slipped something in my coffee, because suddenly I couldn’t breathe. It had been years since I’d seen that look on Anna’s face, not since her dad left Renee, and I’d watched him drag Anna off like a suitcase, knowing what she was in for now that all her dad’s attention would be on her.

Neither one of us had said anything back then. Neither one of us said anything now.

When Hayden finally finished, Anna scooted back in her chair.

Even though she spoke quietly and everyone else was practically yelling, her voice was the only one I heard. Because it was the most sincere I’d ever heard it. “So now you’re going to leave?”

I shook my head. “Not leave, step down, so I can’t—”

“Help those people. You can’t leave, Carson. They need you. I need you.” She bit her lip, tears welling in her eyes, completely ignoring everyone around us. “I am sorry.”

Three words that could mean everything or nothing, depending on what was behind them. This time, they meant a shitload. Because I finally believed them.

“For so many things,” she said. The others stopped speaking. “She’s really talented, you know… Laney, I mean. I told some of my friends and they all want something by her now. And I asked Third Street Gallery’s owner to take a look at her stuff. I can’t make him take her on, but after what I did to you…to her, I thought—”

“Thanks. She deserves a shot at something great.”

She nodded. “So do you.”

“I had my shot at something more than great, and I blew it, multiple times. All I want to do now is keep everybody away from the wreckage.”

“What does her ex want?” she asked.

Hayden explained again, irritatedly, because he was repeating everything he’d said a few minutes ago when she hadn’t been listening. Until he got to Kevin’s threat.

“He what?” she snapped.

Hayden sighed. “He’ll claim that Carson attacked him and Laney out of jealousy, if Carson doesn’t—”

She waved him off. Not a lot of people get away with waving Hayden Bennett off.

“The rest doesn’t matter,” she said, shaking her head. I’d never seen her look so intent, so infuriated. “Nuh-uh. He doesn’t get paid for hurting Laney and then threatening to lie about it. We’re talking about Carson here. He would never hurt her. He would never hurt anyone. So that guy can go screw himself if he thinks any member of our fucked-up family is going to shut up and take it.”

“We’re not rewarding him,” Hayden said. “We’re protecting the foundation, Anna. In the long term—”

“Oh my god.” She turned back to me. “Carson, you of all people… No, you can’t do that. I won’t let you.”

There was nothing funny about what she was saying, nothing at all, but I laughed anyway. I don’t know—stress, depression, relief that Anna might have finally woken up… It could’ve been a million different reasons.

She went on, asking questions about which hospital Kevin worked in, which department. Then she excused herself to go make a phone call. I followed her into the lobby.

“Hey,” I called. “If you’re going to do anything crazy or stupid, I want to know about it. As someone who’s had a lot more experience than you have, I may have some pointers.”

“Do you know what I’m good at?” She didn’t let me respond, which was kind of her. Because I was still trying to think of an answer. “I can keep a secret. And a lot of people in this city have secrets, including one of the people in charge of UCSF’s medical residency program. It’s nothing terrible, but he definitely wouldn’t want it to get out.”

I shook my head. “The whole point of me doing this is so other people aren’t involved and don’t get hurt.”

“I would never break his confidence,” she said. “And I would never threaten him. He trusts me. So I’m sure he’d be happy to take me out for a drink and be agreeable to inviting Kevin along. Then, while enjoying an evening out with a friend, I will wink at the asshole who’s trying to mess with my family and continually mention my amazing stepbrother and the charitable foundation he runs.”

“But you’re not planning to say anything that he could take as an outright threat?” Hayden asked, coming up behind me.

“Of course not.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m a woman—our unspoken threats are ten times more intimidating than the spoken ones. You’re married, Hayden, you should already know that.” She turned and put her phone up to her ear.

“I think Kevin’s going to regret screwing with our little stepsister, don’t you, Hayden?”

“I think Kevin’s going to regret a lot of things really soon.”

“Good.”

---

I should’ve been happy. Or at least not so fucking depressing to be around. I’d expected the board to say, ‘Great, then get the hell out,’ when I told them I’d be taking a permanent sabbatical from the foundation. But I don’t think I said more than four words.

My brother and my stepsister suddenly decided they cared about me, or some shit. I don’t know. I wish I’d been at the meeting Anna set up with her secretive friend and Kevin, though. I would have shoved money into the prick’s pockets myself if I could’ve seen his face when Anna winked at him. Who knew a frog would set off something in Anna, a good something, a healthy something, a non-retail-related something.

So I should have been happy. But I wasn’t.

I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. It wouldn’t be as pathetic if I was actually thinking about something instead of trying really hard not to. If I thought about anything other than how many beers were in the fridge or what game I was going to watch this weekend, other shit came with it. I couldn’t even look at the goddamn tile in the bathroom anymore. It was blue. Like her eyes. Like her toenails were painted one day when we took a bath together and—

“Damn it!”

In my entire life, I’d only cared about three women, and the one I was never going to see again was the one I couldn’t stop thinking about and wanting and missing. I’d had her for months, right in front of me. She wanted me, and I chickened out because I couldn’t let the other stuff go.

I ignored the knock on the door the first time. And the second. When the third one came, I gave up and went to tell whoever it was to go to hell.

“Hello, Carson.” Both of Renee’s hands clenched the strap of her purse as she held it in front of herself like an overpriced leather shield. I guess she’d left the arrogant posturing, the pretense of being one-hundred percent perfect every minute of every fucking day, in her other bag. There were no bruises that I could see. No ring on the special finger either—engagement or wedding.

I stood there silently, not having spoken to anyone but myself since leaving the board meeting. The only person I wanted to talk to was living her life somewhere else, hopefully dealing better than I was.

“Can I come in?” Renee asked.

I didn’t want to fight. It just wasn’t in me anymore. So I nodded and stepped back. Renee had never been to my place, but I hoped she wasn’t expecting a tour. She wandered, chatting nervously about the kitchen and the furniture.

“Not there!” I shouted before she put her bag on Lane’s table. I couldn’t get rid of it—not yet, maybe not ever—but I didn’t want to see it, so I’d covered it with a sheet. Eventually I’d donate it somewhere it could be admired and not be a constant reminder of what a fuck-up I was. Eventually…but not now.

“I’ll get my checkbook.” I was already on my way. Just sign the bottom and leave the rest blank, then shove her out.

“I didn’t come here for money, Carson.” She sat on the edge of the couch, her hands resting in her lap. Her knuckles were white, something the people she conned wouldn’t have noticed. Something I didn’t want to see, because it meant that whatever she was here to say made her uncomfortable. And that made me uncomfortable.

“What do you want?”

“To apologize.” She let out a breath, smoothed her skirt. “I need to apologize, because even if you never want anything to do with me again, I want you to be happy.”

“Cool.” Thumbs up for her. “Thanks for stopping by.” I hadn’t sat down, so it was a quick trip to the door, hinting she should leave.

She didn’t move. “I could tell you I didn’t know how much it affected you, and that each time we went back to him, I thought things would be different. And that would all be true…but it would also be an excuse.”

Shit. Why now? Why was she doing this now? Was today the twenty-year anniversary of my first smackdown? Or maybe seven years ago today, I gave up on her and got the fuck out of her latest husband’s house.

Should I pretend I didn’t know what she was talking about? Or would agreeing get her out of here faster? I had tile to replace.

“It’s fine,” I said. “Water under a bridge or whatever.”

“Your father loved us, Carson. I gave him too many chances because I loved him just as much. He used to tell me he’d stop and we would be happy. He also used to tell me that I’d be nothing if I left him and that I wouldn’t be able to feed you or give you a home. You and your brother would be less than you could be because I selfishly took the life we had away from you.”

“I said it’s fine, Renee.” I didn’t want to hear any more. She needed to go away before my headache got worse and all civility was gone. “And I meant it’s fine.”

“You couldn’t be more different than him. Can you imagine him doing any of the good you have? When you gave away your entire inheritance, I was afraid you’d given away your chance at a good life, the life your father promised me you’d have.”

“Good to know,” was all I could manage, my tone flat, my need to be alone fucking enormous.

“I stopped trusting myself a long time ago, so I thought everything I did was wrong. But if I’d known what it was doing to you, what it’s still doing to you…” Blinking, she sat up taller. “I’ve spent most of my life believing things that weren’t true, that I deserved no more than I was given. And because of that, you’ve done the same—”

“Stop talking!” If my hands weren’t squeezing the sides of my head, I swear it would’ve exploded. “I don’t want this. I don’t want you here. You have no idea what I feel or what I’ve done, so don’t pretend. I can see through it, Renee. I’ve always been able to see through it.”

She was quiet for a moment, watching her hands tighten around each other before standing and picking up her purse. “I understand. Maybe another day. Whenever you’re ready. I’m trying to change, Carson. I am. And in order to do that, I can’t be dependent on other people.” She took an envelope out of her purse and set it down on the coffee table. Her name and address in my handwriting on the outside, the checks I’d sent her inside. “It’s not all of them. I intend to pay you back as soon as I can.”

Huh. “That’s why checks aren’t used anymore—nobody knows how to balance a checkbook.” Especially me. I’d thought they were all been cashed. Assumed they’d been, because it was the only thing I’d ever offered her, the only connection we had. “Keep them.” I picked up the envelope and held it out. “If you’re really going to change things, then think of it like a business investment. There are always start-up costs.”

“I can’t.”

“It’s my money. I get to decide who I spend it on.”

She hesitated before taking the checks and putting them back into her purse. “Thank you.”

I could tell she was trying, that she wasn’t here to argue or spout more excuses about what she’d done. It was something—she hadn’t cashed the checks, she’d tried to give them back, and she was here when she’d obviously rather be anywhere else. That was something…I guess.

“Laney came to Los Angeles to talk to me.”

And that stopped any positive feelings that had shown up in the last few minutes. “Don’t.” I didn’t want to know Lane was still thinking about me, caring about me. She was supposed to be moving on to someone better.

“She asked me not to tell you that, but I’m not going to lie to my sons anymore.”

“I don’t want to talk about her.”

“She came because she knew how badly you were hurting.”

“Don’t,” I said through clenched teeth. “Please.”

“She loves you.”

“Stop! Just stop!” I waited until the reverb of my yell had completely gone away. “I can’t…do this right now. It’s too much. I need to process it a little but maybe… Is your phone number the same?” Did I say that because I cared or because it might get her to leave?

She nodded quickly, encouraged by a few words spoken with a broken spirit. “I’m going to go see Anna.”

“That’s good.” Maybe they could help each other. “She has more going on now, and she needs somebody.”

“You do, too.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you?”

I was silent for as long as I could manage, not wanting anyone to see how weak I was. Especially not her.

“Are you, Carson?”

“No.”

She stepped forward slowly. “I want to help you. Tell me what I should do. Anything, please.”

“Why didn’t you send me away like you did with Hayden?” I stood there stunned that I’d actually said it. Why now? After all this time, I finally had the balls to ask her. I’d always been too afraid of her answer to say the words. Now I guess I didn’t have anything left to lose. I couldn’t feel any more than I was already feeling. “Why did you make sure he was safe, but not me?”

Her purse fell to the floor, tears welling in her eyes, her shoulders sagging. “Because I needed my baby boy with me. Your father would have killed Hayden. He almost did. But you were so beautiful and sweet, and you could make him laugh.”

“When he wasn’t beating the shit out of me. Didn’t stop him from doing that, did it? Didn’t stop the ones after him, either.” I heard her inhale quickly, as if she was barely holding it together. Good. “But in all fairness, I wasn’t so beautiful and sweet by then.”

“Yes, you were.” She lifted her head slowly. “You still are. I know how wrong it was, but back then I needed you to take care of me. Like you’ve always done for Anna and like you’d do for Laney if you let yourself get close enough. But she doesn’t need you to protect her—she needs you to love her. And you need her to love you.”

“I can’t—”

“Please don’t let your father be the reason you lose something else.”

I didn’t look at her or stop her from coming closer. Or from wrapping her arms around me while she cried. I didn’t stop myself, either.