For the next few days, I made excuses about why I couldn’t see Carson. They were all true—I’d been completely neglecting my business and everything else. But that had nothing to do with the real reason I didn’t want to see him.

I needed time. A chance to think about what he’d said. He was wrong—I didn’t want to be hurt. I wanted to be loved.

Idiot.

Since that was a no-win scenario, I tried remembering what a basket case I’d been a few months ago and why I’d decided love was bullshit. As each day went by, I got better and better at convincing myself I’d been wrong. It was a momentary delusion. What the hell did I know about love? I’d confused things in the past, multiple times, so in six months from now, I’d probably look back on what I was feeling and laugh at how stupid I’d been.

Love is a two-way street, right? Doesn’t everyone say that? So when I took my head out of my ass, I understood that I was misinterpreting my emotions because I still hadn’t completely shaken the old me. Realizing that made me glad to have Carson in my life because he was the only person who wouldn’t judge me for my fuck-up, even when it involved him.

It would be okay. Nothing had to change.

Oh my god, what complete bullshit. Everything had changed, for me at least. Now it was just finding the balls to face it. I was pretty sure that wasn’t going to happen for a long time. Hopefully before it did, I’d remember love was a fairytale and sex was only sex.

I was deep in the midst of my Saturday morning ritual—pajamas, coffee, and couch—when I heard a knock on the door. My mind instantly went to Carson, with something like excitement. But I still needed time before I was ready for us to go back to our old selves, to the pre-delusional-Laney times. So, I slowed down.

“Oh.” I blew out a breath of disappointment. Multiple counts of disappointment. Not only was he not the man I wanted to see, he was Kevin, the last guy I’d turned into a frog. The guy who, though perfect on paper, was anything but in reality. I’d actually pictured myself having a future with this asshole—kids, house, dog. Back then I hadn’t understood what passion was and had confused it with contentment. I’d been content with him—not happy or unhappy. Just…content.

His smile looked forced, and he was holding a white bag and a coffee carrier with two cups.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I tried to call you but—”

“I changed my number.” Too bad I didn’t change my address, too.

“Can I come in?”

“I’m not sure. How would Brittany feel about that?”

“We’re not together anymore.” What a shocker.

“That’s too bad, but I’m actually not interested in being your backup plan.”

“That’s not why I’m here.” Right, of course, he was only here to apologize for being such a douche. It had nothing to do with him being dumped and feeling sad and horny. “Can we talk for a few minutes? Please.”

I sighed, but stepped back and let him inside. After excusing myself, I went to put on my robe. When I came back into the living room, Kevin was sitting on the couch, and I had a flashback. He was sitting in exactly the same place, but only wearing his boxers because we’d just had sex. Okay sex. What I used to think was good sex.

He smiled at me as he leaned back, making himself at home. Even though the image was the same and he was the same, I wasn’t. I didn’t want anything from him—not even an apology. But after everything that had happened lately, I wasn’t up to another argument, so I’d hear him out, pretend to be sad he screwed up his own life, and then ask him to leave.

When I heard another knock on the door, I knew it was Carson. Had to be. I still wasn’t sure I was ready to see him, but at least he’d be able to get Kevin to leave with just one glare.

“Gotta get that.” I practically ran to the door, opening it only to be pushed backwards by a very unhappy Carson, coffees in hand and eyes on the floor.

“I know you probably have shit to do,” he said, shoving one of the cups at me and heading into the living room, “but you know how impatient I am. I wanted to—”

He got there only a half second before I did. I saw his shoulders rise by at least an inch and his entire body tense. This was something I hadn’t foreseen happening.

I stepped in between them. “This is Kevin. Kevin, Carson. Carson, Kevin.”

Carson’s eyes went to me and then traveled down my body, his expression turning into one of understanding…something that wasn’t true. Wait a minute. How’d that happen?

“Kevin was my last frog.” I didn’t look at Kevin when he made a what-the-hell sound. My eyes were glued to Carson’s because...well, because he mattered.

“Wow.” He laughed through tight lips and looked away, shaking his head slightly. “Okay. I’ll go.” Then he glared at Kevin. “You fuck her over again, and I’ll turn you into road kill. Understand?” He handed me the other cup of coffee without making eye contact and backed out of the room.

Kevin grumbled something or protested or did some male posturing, but I didn’t pay attention. My focus stayed on Carson. Did it matter if he thought something was going on? Yes, of course it did. Especially because he’d been so clear about saying he’d let me know before he slept with someone and I should do the same. But I hadn’t slept with anyone, so whatever Carson thought was an assumption he’d made.

That wasn’t fair. “Carson, listen—”

He held up his hand. “Don’t worry about it.”

As if that was possible. But maybe whatever he thought had happened would keep some much-needed space between us until I was sure I was okay. No one would get their feelings hurt and we could spend time together while the emotions that shouldn’t be had a chance to cool down and be put to rest.

I followed him back to the door. “Want to meet tomorrow?”

“Why?”

I grabbed his jacket so he wouldn’t walk away. “Because I want to see you.”

He glanced back towards the living room. “He cheated on you so you’ll pay him back, is that it?”

“What? No.” I scrambled for an answer, stuck in a lie I hadn’t even verbalized. But I hadn’t corrected him, either, told him whatever he was thinking was wrong. “Kevin just wanted to talk.”

“I’m sure he did.” He looked down to what I was wearing again. “I guess whatever he said worked.”

“That’s—”

“I know, not fair. You’re right. Apology number four. You can do whatever you want. Just…” He wiped his hand across his mouth. “Just be careful. Okay?” He leaned in and kissed my forehead. “I can’t meet tomorrow. Maybe later in the week sometime. I’ll call you.”

No, he wouldn’t. Because he knew I wouldn’t sleep with two men at the same time. So whatever it was that we were doing would stop because he thought Kevin and I were back together. I watched him walk down the hall, wondering how something so right could go so wrong so quickly. I’d wanted a little space, not a continent.

Instead of saying anything, I was silent. My mind was going in too many directions, and I hurt in a way I wasn’t sure I had a right to hurt in. For all I knew, this was his way out. Maybe while I’d been avoiding him, he’d been avoiding me. And maybe he’d just come over here to say he was done with me.

Well, tough shit. Because I wasn’t done with him.

I just needed a little time to figure out what I wanted to do. I wouldn’t lie to him, but I had to understand what I felt, thought, and wanted before I could be honest with him.

“Carson,” I called. “I’m coming over later.”

He turned around without stopping and shrugged. “If you want to.”

“I do.” As soon as he was gone, I went back inside to get rid of Kevin. My conversation with Carson couldn’t wait until tomorrow.

---

I went into the living room. “I have a busy day planned and—”

“Sure. I won’t take too much of your time.” He didn’t get up or leave, though. If he wanted to talk, maybe I could encourage him to talk quickly, so he would leave quickly.

“So… How’s...what was her name again?” I knew the name of my replacement because I’d spent months reliving that relationship and trying to figure out what I’d missed, what I’d done wrong, and what I should have done differently. Even though Kevin had broken my heart and I didn’t want anything to do with him, I’d still obsessed about it for more time than I’d ever admit to.

“Brittany,” he said. “She wants to have our marriage annulled.”

“Wow.” My eyes flew to his hand, stopping on the gold band he wore. “You really married her. I didn’t know.” It didn’t mean anything was different. It just confirmed that all the months I’d spent sobbing and googling wedding announcements had been a complete waste of time.

“In August.” Meaning, a month after he’d broken up with me. Tops. He looked at me expectantly, waiting for a reaction, I guess. But honestly, I couldn’t think of a single reason I would care.

“Congratulations on the wedding,” I said, hoping we could wrap this up quickly and he’d go away. “And sorry about the divorce. Did you try therapy?” For any of his issues?

“It was too fast.” He shook his head and gave me what I now knew was his ‘feel sorry for me and do something to make me feel better’ face. That look used to make my heart clench. Now it made my stomach clench—there was a good chance I’d throw up on him. “We didn’t know each other well enough.”

“Really?” I couldn’t hide my smile as I leaned my hip against the back of the couch. “But you guys were dating for, like, three weeks before you proposed. How could that possibly not have been enough time to get to know each other?”

“I knew you’d be bitter.”

I laughed. “This isn’t bitter. This is over it.” The bitterness stopped once I realized how much I owed Brittany. Without her, I might be living with the bastard right now.

“I wish it would’ve ended differently, Laney. I want you to know that.”

“See, there’s proof that I’m not bitter. A few months ago I would’ve been pissed by the way you phrased that—‘it would’ve ended differently’. As if you had nothing to do with it. As if you accidentally stuck your dick into someone else and lied about it for an entire month. Or more, I guess. I’m still unclear about the timing, but it doesn’t matter. And I’m not mad. If it hadn’t happened, I would still be right where I was.” Afraid to be honest with someone who’d never bothered to ask what I wanted out of life. He’d never been to my shop, never even asked me about my art.

I got out of that dysfunctional relationship and now was in a much healthier, dysfunctional non-relationship. At least I knew Carson wanted what was best for me. Kevin never cared about that.

“We weren’t good together,” I said.

“Yeah, we were.” He stood.

“No, we weren’t. I forgot I had my own thoughts and needs, and you were okay with that. Didn’t you ever wonder if I had an opinion of my own?” I was a doormat he enjoyed wiping his feet on and sleeping with. What kind of man wants someone like that? “I love being able to pick where I go for dinner, to leave a place when I feel like it, and to not be obligated to do what someone else wants to do.” Those were things Carson didn’t ask for or want to control.

“I never want to go back to that,” I said. “Not because you did anything wrong, but because I did. I was afraid to be myself because I didn’t think you would stay with me if I was, so I pretended to be someone else. Of course, the irony is that you dumped me anyway. But I’m really happy now.” Happier than I’d ever been. Satisfied.

I couldn’t wait to see Carson and tell him most of it was his fault. Not because he made me happy, because he let me be.

It took Kevin a while to respond, as if he were still weighing his chances. “Okay. We’ll just be friends then.”

I nodded. “That would be…” Then I stopped nodding. “No, it wouldn’t. I wasn’t honest with you back then because I didn’t know what I wanted. I never lied to deliberately hide something from you. But you did. You lied, knowing it was lying, and you cheated, knowing it would hurt me. So no, I don’t want to be friends.”

“People should be allowed to have a second chance, Laney.”

“You’re totally right. People should be allowed to choose who they let into their lives, too. I’m a different person now and have a better life. Why would I let you into it?”

“So, that’s it? That’s how it’s going to end?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly how it’s going to end.” I swung my arm towards the door, a none-too-subtle hint that he should go. “There are no hard feelings, though. I hope you have a great life, Kevin. I really do.”

His expression turned from forlorn to angry, and I knew that whatever he said next would be out of spite.

“You’re fucking that guy, aren’t you?”

It couldn’t be any further from being his business, but it didn’t matter. “Yep.”

“He thought we’d slept together and then walked out without saying anything. Do you know what that means, Laney? When a guy doesn’t give a shit about who you fuck, it means he doesn’t give a shit about you. You’re just something to jerk off into.”

“Wow. That was classy.” And an insight into how Kevin thought of me when we were together. I regretted ever saying anything. I regretted ever letting him into the apartment. I regretted ever letting him into my life.

“You need to leave now, Kevin.”

He stood so quickly, I flinched backwards. “Don’t be like that.”

I backed up a few more steps. “Go away. Now.”

He stood there staring at me, his jaw tight. “I care about you, Laney. More than he ever will. I never would’ve walked out.”

“You did walk out, and now you should do it again.”

“Laney, I made a mistake. I know it was a mistake.”

“A mistake? Every time you chose to fuck someone who wasn’t me was a mistake. Every time you lied to me about it was a mistake. So it was way more than ‘a’ mistake, and the only reason you’re here admitting it is because Brittany showed you how I felt when you did it to me.” Duped, betrayed, and humiliated. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but none of it had anything to do with me.

“I said I was sorry,” he spat. He’d never intimidated me before, but I’d never said no to him before, either. Was this the real him? “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to leave.”

I heard a key slip into the unlocked door. Then it swung open and Hillary came in.

“You need to keep the door locked, Lan—” She stopped when she saw us, her gaze darting back and forth between me and Kevin. “Sorry. I’ll just…” She sidled towards her room.

“It’s fine. Kevin was about to leave me alone.”

He snagged the bag of pastries and his coffee from the table and stomped out of the apartment.

“What was that?” Hillary asked.

“I have no idea.” But at least it was over.