Viva Las Vegas!

CHARLEE

“Where to?” the cabbie asks.

“Pick a chapel, any chapel,” Drew slurs.

“Gimme one with Elfish!” I add. “Wait, that’s not right. Elllll-vis. Gimme one with Elllll-vis.” I scrunch my face up to really get the weird lip thing going. “Thank you. Thank you verra’ much.”

The driver laughs as he pulls away from the county building. “You’re about to get hitched, I take it?”

Drew swings his heavy arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. “You bet your nuts we are!” He waves our freshly inked marriage license in the air. “We got our license with one minute to spare before the bureau closed.”

Cab guy laughs again. I don’t know why this dude thinks we’re so funny. “I know just the place. Hang on.”

As he pulls onto the main road, I get an awesome idea to pass the time. Facing Drew I say, “We should make out.”

He smiles. “You don’t need to ask me twice, honey.”

I’m not sure how long we play tonsil hockey before the car comes to a stop, but I think it’s only a couple of minutes.

“Here ya go,” the cabbie says. “Hunk of Burning Love Wedding Chapel. Is that Elvis enough for you?”

I grin. “It’s perfect!”

Drew throws some cash at the driver as we’re exiting the vehicle. “Thanks, man. You’re the shiz.”

The cabbie laughs again. Seriously, what’s so damn funny? “Congratulations, you two. Have a good night.”

We walk through the front doors hand-in-hand. Holy bejeezus, I’ve never seen so many rhinestones in my entire life. It’s like one of the King’s famous outfits spewed little jumpsuit chunks all over the walls. In addition to the bedazzling, there’s gold plating, like everywhere. Except the carpeting which is a deep blue. It looks kind of velvety.

A lady that could very possibly be Tan Mom is waiting expectantly behind a glass counter. “Welcome to the Hunk of Burning Love Wedding Chapel.” Jesus, her voice sounds like she’s been smoking two packs a day for twenty years. “How may I help you this evening?”

We join her at the glass case that houses a bunch of rings. Ew, she smells like she smokes five packs a day.

“Yes, fine lady,” Drew says while puffing his chest out. “We’d like to get married please.”

Smoky chomps her gum a few times before giving us a yellow-toothed smile. She pulls out a laminated sheet and slams it on the counter. “We’ve got five packages to offer. How much you lookin’ to spend?”

“Oh!” I say excitedly as I fight with the zipper on my purse. I pull out a wad of bills from my blackjack winnings and hand them to her. “What will that get us?”

Her eyes light up and the wrinkles around her mouth deepen as she counts the cash. “This right here will get ya the All Shook Up package. It’s the best one we offer. Your ceremony is performed by a superstar impressionist, you get two luxurious gold-plated wedding bands, a delightful bouquet filled with the best carnations this side of the Mississippi, an 8x10 commemorative photo with frame, and a one-hour limo ride with a bottle of champagne when you’re ready to leave.”

Drew throws his arms up in the air like he just scored a touchdown. “We’ll take it!”

She pulls out two trays with thin gold bands on the left and thicker ones on the right. “First, I’ll need to see your marriage license and photo ID’s. While I’m looking that over, go ahead and find one that fits. Lady Gaga should be finished with her current ceremony by the time we’re done with the formalities.”

“Lady Gaga?” Drew asks, handing the requested documentation to her. “I thought Elvis would be performing the ceremony.”

Smoky shakes her head. “I’m sorry, honey, but Elvis is out sick tonight.” She lowers her voice and shields her mouth with her hand like she has a juicy secret. “He’s having a nasty herp flare-up and the Elvis costume is really tight around the crotch. The poor guy kept yelping with every hip gyration last night. Gaga is filling in for a few days until the sores clear up. But don’t worry; she still performs the service exactly as Elvis would.”

I gag. Okay, I’m normally one to encourage an overshare but that’s taking it a little too far. Drew seems to agree because he’s turning a little green.

I fish my license out of my purse and hand it to her. “Lady Gaga it is!”

She nods to the ring selection. “Neither one of you have a nickel allergy, right?”

Drew and I look at each other in confusion. “Um...I don’t think so,” I answer.

“Me neither,” Drew says. “But I thought you said they were gold.”

Smoky shakes her head. “They’re gold-plated. The nickel’s underneath.”

“Ah,” Drew and I say in unison.

While we try a few on for size, Drew leans down and whispers, “I’ll get you a better one later.”

“But these are so fancy!” I joke. “Why would I want a different one?”

He laughs before his expression turns serious. “Honey, you deserve to be dripping with diamonds.”

I smile softly. “I don’t need anything flashy, Drew.” I hold a ring up once I find something that fits. “This is fine.”

He returns my smile. “Let’s save this argument for another time. We’ve got an aisle to walk down.”

I place the rings we’ve chosen on the counter. “These will do.”

Estelle—I just noticed her nametag—nods as she scoops the rings into her hand. “Great choice.”

“Now what do we do?” Drew asks.

The chapel doors open and an Asian couple comes stumbling out with giant smiles plastered to their faces.

Estelle nods in that direction. “Now you get married.”

She instructs me to hang back by the doors as she positions Drew toward the front, to Lady Gaga’s right. Man, that’s a damn fine impersonator. I’d swear I was looking at the real thing if our officiant didn’t have a prominent Adam’s apple.

Estelle steps to the left and hits a button on the remote she is carrying. Instrumental music flows through the small room. Gaga starts singing the lyrics to “Can’t Help Falling in Love”, which is my cue to move. My eyes never leave my groom’s as I slowly walk down the aisle. He’s grinning like a buffoon but he’s still so goddamn sexy it blows my mind. I’ve never been this attracted to another man. I don’t know why everything is so different with Drew; it just is.

I stumble on the last step—damn you, tequila!—before meeting Drew at the altar.

“Hi,” he whispers. “You looked hot as fuck walking down that aisle.”

I hiccup. “Thank you.” 

Gaga clears her throat. “Join hands with your beautiful bride, you gorgeous beast.”

Drew and I snicker as we link our fingers together.

“Welcome to the Hunk of Burning Love Wedding Chapel,” Lady Gaga begins. “We are gathered here today, in the great city of Las Vegas, to join Andrew Summers and Charlotte Harris in matrimony. Andrew, please place the ring on Charlotte’s finger and repeat after me.”

Drew squeezes my hand and nods in acknowledgment.

“Oh, baby, baby, baby,” Gaga says. “I’ve got a burnin’ love.”

Drew smirks. “Oh, baby, baby, baby. I’ve got a buuuurnin’ love.”

“So if you promise,” Gaga prompts, “to be my lovin’ teddy bear...”

Drew and I laugh hysterically before he repeats the words. We are still laughing as she gives him the next verse.

“I promise to never leave you at the Heartbreak Hotel,” Drew repeats with a smile.

Gaga nods, evidently satisfied with Drew’s performance. She hands Drew’s wedding band to me and says, “Now, Charlotte, please place the ring on Andrew’s finger and repeat after me. Baby, you’re my favorite hound dog.”

I wink at Drew as I slide the band over his knuckle. “Baby, you’re my favorite hound dog.”

“You’ve got me all shook up,” Gaga singsongs.

I do a little shimmy. “You’ve got me all shook up.”

“If you promise to treat me nice, and don’t be cruel,” our officiant continues.

“If you promise to treat me nice, and don’t be cruel,” I echo.

“Then I promise to love you tender, and never, ever, step on your blue suede shoes.”

I bite my lip as Drew’s eyes fill with heat. “Then I promise to love you tender, and never, ever, step on your blue suede shoes.”

“By the power vested in me,” Lady Gaga says.

“Wait—” Drew interrupts. “Can I say something real quick?

Gaga nods. “Sure, darlin’.”

Drew cradles my face in his hands. “I know this is crazy. Really fucking crazy. I know we don’t know each other all that well, but I’m absolutely positive I don’t want to spend my life with anyone but you. We have time to learn the details. You’re it for me, Charlee. You have to promise me that you’ll remember that.”

My eyes fill with tears. “You’re it for me, too, Big Guy.”

“That was so beautiful!” Gaga gushes, as she wipes a tear from the corner of her eye. “May I continue now?”

“Sure,” Drew nods.

“By the power vested in me, and the great state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.”

Drew’s attacking my lips before the sentence ends. I moan into his mouth as our tongues dip and stroke, making me think of another kind of stroke—and to be clear, I ain’t talking about swimming. His boner digs into my stomach as we make out until my panties are drenched and my clit throbs.

The officiant clears her throat right as I start rubbing my torso against Drew’s cock. “You guys really need to stop. You’re making it awfully hard for me to tuck things under, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

Drew pulls away with one last nibble to my bottom lip, and rests his forehead against mine. “We’re married.”

I sigh dreamily. “We are.” 

“Smile!” Estelle says. We only have about two seconds to comply before she’s blinding us with a flash. “Let me print this for you and you two will be all set.”

We follow her to the front of the building and wait as she prints the photo and places it in a cardboard frame.

“Here you go!” she says, handing it over. “The limo is out front waiting. You have one hour from now.”

Drew grabs my hand. “Are you ready to go, Mrs. Drew?”

I swing our joined hands as I practically skip to the exit. “I’m ready, Mr. Charlee!”