CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BESS FELT AS if every eye in the room was on her, as if everyone could look at her and tell that she’d slept with Cade. It was her own conscience making her feel conspicuous, she knew, but it didn’t make her any more comfortable. It didn’t help that every time she looked at Cade, she colored and flicked her eyes back to her plate. It seemed devastating now, to remember how intimate they’d been, how beautiful it had been between them. Cade had been her life for years. The joy of what they’d shared was still brimming over inside her, despite the sting of guilt that accompanied what she’d let him do. They were engaged. She stared at the little silver ring and wished with all her heart that it could be a real engagement, followed by a real marriage.
Elise saw her touching the ring and smiled, because she knew the history of the ring as well as Cade did. “Is there something we should know about what’s going on with you two?” Elise asked at last, eaten up with curiosity.
Bess went red, but Cade only laughed softly.
“I suppose this is as good a time as any,” he replied. He took Bess’s left hand in his and clasped it warmly. “Bess and I are engaged.”
There were uproarious congratulations from everyone including Robert, who winked at Bess and shrugged, taking it in his stride. He’d always known how she felt about Cade, even though he’d hoped for a while that he might win her. But he gave in with grace, and his congratulations were sincere.
Cade let go of Bess’s hand long enough to finish his meal and pushed the plate back, his dark eyes holding Bess’s for a long moment while he lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair.
“How was the sales trip?” he asked Robert.
The younger man was a good loser. He smiled at his older brother. “It went great,” Robert replied with a grin. “We’ve got a potential buyer coming down next Tuesday to look over our operation. Big Jim’s Tex-burgers.”
Cade cocked an eyebrow. “That new fast-food chain?”
“Yes, and Big Jim himself is going to look us over.” Robert blew on his nails and polished them on his shirt. “That could mean enough new revenue to get you out of the rodeo arena, big brother.”
“Indeed it could,” said Cade nodding. “Good job.”
“No need to thank me. A new Jaguar would suit me very well.”
“Dream on,” Cade said chuckling.
“Bess, are you still leaving on Monday?” Elise asked gently.
“Yes,” Bess said quietly. She avoided Elise’s shocked look. Her soft eyes searched Cade’s, and there was a deep sadness in them that he still couldn’t quite understand. “I have to get back to my job, for now,” she said falteringly.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to let her get away,” Cade told his mother, and there was real intent in his eyes.
Gussie noticed the long look that passed between her daughter and Cade and felt the tension. She sat up straighter. “I’m going, too,” she announced. “I’ve got to get up Tuesday morning and go to work.”
Cade dropped his lighter with a hard thud on the table. “What?” he asked.
Gussie gave him a haughty look. “Well, I’m not over the hill yet,” she muttered. “I’ve got a good business head, Frank always said so. I’m going to use it.” She turned to Bess. “You’ll have to help me find an apartment Monday, too.” She smiled wickedly. “So that you don’t get stuck with me.”
Bess burst out laughing while the others stared at the two of them with faint surprise.
“What are you going to do?” Cade asked Gussie.
“I’m going to help run a talent agency,” Gussie said, and without the old hostility. “I’m buying into a friend’s business.”
“And you’ll do marvelously well,” Elise said. She touched her friend’s hand gently. “I’m very proud of you.”
Gussie smiled back at her. Cade sighed as he saw the friendship between the two women, feeling a little guilty because his mother still thought of Gussie as a home breaker. It was unfair that Gussie should suffer for trying to protect Elise. Someday, he promised himself, he was going to tell his mother the truth. Even if it was a little painful at first, in the long run it would be kinder. His father was dead. The truth couldn’t hurt him now.
Gary came in just as the others were leaving the table. “I’m beat,” he mumbled with a dry glance at Cade. “But it was worth it. Our accountant shaved a few thousand off our tax bill with the information I took him.”
“It’s been that kind of day.” Robert grinned. “I got us a new customer, I think. We’ll know next week. And Cade and Bess just got engaged.”
Gary grinned. “Well, congratulations!” he said, laughing and shaking Cade’s hand and hugging Bess gently. “And good for you, Robert. I see what you mean about it being that kind of day.” He glanced at Cade. “Do you want to sit down with me and go over these figures?”
“Eat your supper first,” Cade told him. “Then we’ll talk.” He looked at Bess and held out his hand. “Let’s walk around for a bit,” he said gently.
She put her cool hand into his big, warm one, tingling at the contact. She was all too aware of the indulgent smiles they were getting from the rest of the clan.
He had his cigarette in one hand as he linked the fingers of his free one with hers.
He glanced at her. She’d changed the stained sundress for jeans and a nice knit top with a demure rounded neckline and cap sleeves. With her hair loose, she looked more deliciously feminine than ever. But she looked sad and preoccupied. His fingers closed around hers. “What’s wrong?”
“I feel guilty,” she confessed with a wan smile.
“Considering the way it happened, so do I,” he replied. “I should have remembered from your apartment how easily you arouse me. I was in over my head before I had time to consider the consequences.”
He stopped at the edge of the yard where it met the long dirt road that wound down to the highway. There was a crescent moon, and a patch of light that filtered down from the house, bright yellow in the darkness.
His dark eyes searched hers briefly before he turned his attention to the horizon, lifting the cigarette to his chiseled lips to take a long draw.
He exhaled a cloud of smoke and his hand curled closer around hers. “You’re not ready for marriage. I should have taken that into consideration. You’ve been sheltered and protected all your life. You’ve been dominated by Gussie. Now you’ve got a chance to get out from under her thumb, and mine, and you want it. That’s natural. I didn’t have the right to try to force you into a decision just because I wanted it.”
“I didn’t resist all that hard,” she murmured.
“Yes but, honey, you were a virgin,” he replied, feeling that almost imperceptible jerk of her hand in his. “I made it impossible for you to resist. The kind of self-control you’d have needed takes years of practice.”
“And I was a pushover,” she said miserably.
His hand caught her chin and pulled it up, his dark eyes searching hers. “No. You love me. That makes what we did an entirely different proposition. You gave me your body, but only after you’d given me your heart. How do you think I feel, knowing I took advantage of something you couldn’t help?”
Her lips parted on a sigh. “You didn’t take advantage,” she said softly. “I wanted you to...to do what you did.”
He drew her forehead to his chest, and his lean hand smoothed over her long hair with breathless tenderness. “I’m sorry I had to hurt you so badly.” His lips touched her hair gently. “God, Bess, if you knew how much a man I felt with you when we came together...! Knowing it was the first time, that you’d never let any other man touch you or look at you or hold you so intimately. It blew my mind.” His hand actually trembled where it touched her hair. “I couldn’t bear the thought that you might someday give that privilege to another man. I...needed so desperately to be the first.” His chest rose and fell roughly. “Bess... I don’t know how I’d manage if you stopped loving me.”
That was an admission that curled her toes in her shoes and made her weak-kneed. She slipped her arms around his hard waist and pressed close, aware of his quick arousal and totally unembarrassed by it now. She laid her cheek against his chest and moved her hips even closer, aware of the sudden rough pressure of his hands against her lower spine as he held her there.
“I won’t stop loving you,” she whispered. “Not ever.” That was true enough. She couldn’t marry him, but she’d never be able to stop the way she felt.
“Feel how hard you turn me on, baby,” he said, breathing his words into her ear, moving her gently against him, shuddering at the white-hot wave of pleasure that shot through him at the soft contact.
Her nails bit into his chest and her teeth clenched. She was on fire from the waist down. “Oh, Cade...we can’t,” she moaned.
“I know. Indulge me,” he said, laughing with cold humor. “I can dream.”
Her lips touched his hot throat and she felt his powerful body tense at even the light touch. “So can I. You’re my whole world.”
“If you get pregnant, Miss Samson, you’re damned well marrying me whether you want to or not,” he said shortly. He lifted his head and looked into her wide, dark eyes. “And if I hadn’t had to hurt you so badly this afternoon, I’d back you into the barn wall and take you standing up right now, just to increase the odds in my favor!”
She shivered at the husky note of passion in his deep voice. The mental images he’d conjured made her blood run hot in her veins. She closed her eyes and let him press her hips even closer to his.
“Yes, you’d let me do that, wouldn’t you?” he whispered. His hands had moved up under her knit top and over the thin, silky fabric covering her breasts to feel the hard tips. “You’d let me have you any way I wanted you, anytime. You’re my woman. You always have been and you always will be.”
She couldn’t deny it. She sighed gently. “But you won’t make me do it if I don’t want to,” she murmured.
His chest lifted and fell softly. “No. I won’t make you.” He rubbed his cheek over her hair. “You’ll marry me if there’s a baby?”
“Yes,” she agreed, because of course that was impossible.
His fingers tightened. “Only one time,” he whispered absently. “I don’t guess it’s very likely.”
He sounded disappointed. Dejected. Bess lifted her head, and her eyes searched his face. “Why do you want children so badly?” she asked.
He touched her soft mouth and smiled. “Lariat was more farm than ranch when my great-great-grandfather settled here in southern Texas. He invested in longhorns, and that tradition carried on until my grandfather started crossbreeding longhorns with Santa Gertrudis and Aberdeen Angus. Those crossbreeds have been money in the bank, and we’re getting stronger every year. I expect to make Lariat pay, to fulfill the dreams of generations of Hollisters. To build a small empire here.” His eyes glittered. “I want a son to come after me, to carry on the tradition. Several sons and daughters would be even better. Hollisters to hold Lariat and look after it when I’m gone.”
She shivered. “And...if you don’t have children?”
“Oh, I’ll have children,” he said without a flicker of doubt. He smiled at her. He bent to her mouth. “You’ll give them to me when you’ve had your taste of freedom and you’re ready to settle down. We’ll make them in my bed, the way we started out this afternoon, with your body joining itself to mine in the heat of lovemaking. You and I are going to make a lot of babies...!” His mouth bit hungrily into hers. He put out the cigarette, and both arms went around her, lifting her against him while his hard mouth burned into hers until she moaned.
He felt her mouth open for him. His tongue went inside, gently probing and then rhythmically thrusting until she shuddered.
Then he lifted his head and held her away from him, his gaze possessive, arrogant. “If you want it again, you’re going to have to marry me for it,” he said huskily. “Think about that when you’re back in your own bed in San Antonio. Now let’s take that walk.”
He lit a cigarette coolly before he caught her fingers in his and led her along to the corrals, his deep voice intoxicating as he explained his new breeding program to her and what it would mean financially.
Beside him, Bess felt her knees wobbling. This wasn’t fair. He was using her own hunger against her to trap her into marriage. It would have been the most wonderful thing in the world, because she loved him so desperately and he did care about her somehow. But for his sake, she had to resist. Her job would keep her busy in the daytime. But how was she going to survive the nights, now that she knew how sweet Cade’s hands and mouth could be?
* * *
ALL TOO SOON she and Gussie said their goodbyes and left Lariat. Bess threw herself back into her job. The ad presentation she’d been working on was finalized, with a few minor alterations, and shown to the client. He wanted one other minor change, and Bess was finally through.
“You did a great job,” Julie Terrell said with a hug when she, Nell and Bess were back in Julie’s office after the client had left. “Imagine getting all that done while you were recuperating from an accident.”
“And they say there are no heroes left.” Nell grinned wickedly. “The Times must hear of this. I’ll phone them collect.”
“You do and I’ll give their gossip columnist the juiciest kind of tidbit about you and an unnamed but extremely sexy older man you’ve got your eye on,” Julie threatened the brunette.
Nell cleared her throat. “On second thought I do believe I have some new figures to work up. Good job, Bess. See you.” She backed herself out of the office.
“We really should doll her up for the employees’ barbecue in June and fling her at Mr. Ryker’s feet,” Bess mused.
“An excellent idea, Miss Samson,” Julie returned. “This unrequited affair can’t be allowed to go on. We have to save Nell from certain spinsterhood.”
“I’ll do my part.” Bess stretched, her muscles sore from all the sitting. “It’s so nice to be back to work. The flowers you all sent were lovely.”
“So you’ve said, several dozen times.” Julie chuckled. “They were our pleasure. We wanted to come and see you, but your Mr. Hollister wouldn’t let anybody in. From what we hear, even Mr. Ryker was denied admittance.” She grinned at Bess’s wild color. “Didn’t you know? I thought the aforesaid Mr. Hollister didn’t have any designs on you...?”
“Actually we got engaged while I was at Lariat,” Bess said, finally giving up her most precious secret.
“Congratulations! We’ll have to have a party.”
“Not yet,” Bess pleaded. “It’s still hard for me to get used to the idea, and Cade hasn’t given up trying to bulldoze me to the altar. I just want a little time.” She lowered her eyes. “There’s something he doesn’t know.”
“Care to tell a new friend who’s first cousin to several clams?” Julie asked. “I know something’s been on your mind since you’ve been back. But you’re like me—a very private person. I hesitated to ask if you wanted to talk.”
“I need to talk to somebody.” Bess sighed. “I can’t tell my mother. Even though we’re better friends now than we were, she tells everything she knows. And there isn’t anybody else.” She sat down heavily. “I’m barren,” she blurted out. “The accident did some internal damage, and now I can’t have a child.”
“Oh, Bess.” Julie sat down in the chair next to her, holding her hand tightly. “I’m so sorry. But if your Mr. Hollister still wants to marry you...”
“He doesn’t know.” She lifted tormented eyes. “I’m afraid to tell him. I don’t know how to tell him. He’s one of those old-line dynasty founders. He wants to leave Lariat to his sons to build on. How can I tell him that there won’t ever be sons, or daughters for that matter?”
“Does he love you?” the older woman asked.
Bess shrugged. “He wants me,” she said. “And in his way he cares about me. I’m not sure he knows what love is. If he loves me, he’s never told me.” Not even, she thought, at that moment of supreme intimacy. She colored, remembering.
“Some men have a hard time saying the words,” Julie said. “That doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel them. You might give him the chance to decide for himself.”
“If I do that, I’ve lost him forever.” Her eyes closed. “I’m trying to work up the courage, but every time I think I’ve got it, I draw back. He’s going to hate me.”
“Worrying about it is going to make it worse,” she pointed out. “He might surprise you and not react at all.”
“That would be a surprise, all right. You don’t know Cade. I do.” She stared down at her lap. “I’m such a coward.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Julie replied. “Is there any way I can help?”
Bess shook her head. “But thank you for listening. It helped just to get it out in the open. I’d better get back to work.”
Julie walked with her to the door. “I’m always here if you need someone to listen,” she said, smiling. “But whatever you decide to do, don’t wait too long.”
“No. I won’t. If I...marry Cade, can I go on working here?” she asked.
“You idiot,” Julie’s mouth pulled down at one corner. “Do I look like the kind of boss who discriminates? I mean, look around, I’ve actually hired men to work here!”
Bess burst out laughing and walked off down the hall, shaking her head.
Three weeks had gone by, and there hadn’t been a word from Cade. Gussie heard from Elise, who said that the boys were busy with moving the cattle to summer pasture and finishing the roundup, but there wasn’t much news otherwise. Nothing specific about Cade, except that he was going to be competing in the San Antonio rodeo. Bess was sure that he’d come to see her while he was in town. It was still a couple of weeks away. She started planning what she was going to wear, and every night she dreamed about how it would be to see him again, to hear his voice, to touch him.
Only the ring on her finger was left to remind her of what had happened between them. She kissed it hungrily, drowning in her love for him. At least she had that one, sweet memory of him. Now, if she just had the courage not to give in to the aching desire to marry him. If she could just convince him that she didn’t want to give up her job. She sighed. If only she could fly.
The long nights at her apartment were full of erotic dreams of Cade and nightmares about losing him forever. She didn’t sleep well at all. Her most vivid memory was of Cade’s careless kiss and confident, mocking smile just before she and Gussie had driven back to San Antonio from Lariat. Cade seemed to be sure that she wouldn’t be able to stand it for long without him. He was right. By the end of the fourth week she was in agony with frustration and loneliness.
Gussie had been at work, too. She stopped by the apartment to see Bess, aglow with her success and enthusiastic about her widowed business partner.
“It’s very exciting, working for a living,” Gussie said enthusiastically as they sat in the small kitchen in Bess’s apartment and drank coffee.
Her mother even looked different, she thought, from the smart tailored suits to the very elegant short hairdo. Her mother had become a real dish. No more flamboyant clothes, no more ultra-young hair styles. Gussie was acting her age, and doing it with chic sophistication. She seemed to have grown up, like her daughter.
“I meant to call you last week, but they’ve given me a new assignment and I’m going crazy,” Bess confessed. “What can you say about ballpoint pens that hasn’t been said twenty thousand times?”
“You’ll think of something,” Gussie said confidently. “If I could find a job for a former marine gunnery officer with a yen to be a singer, believe me, you can advertise something to write with.”
Bess’s eyebrows lifted. “What did you find him a job doing?”
Gussie grinned. “Working for one of those singing telegram companies.”
Bess threw up her hands. “Well, if I ever need a job, you’re going to be the first person I go to see,” she returned. She sipped her coffee, eyeing her mother. “Isn’t it wild?” she asked softly. “Here we are, rich women with cultured lifestyles, out on our own for the first time. And we’re making it, by the sweat of our own brows.”
“Thanks to you,” Gussie acknowledged. “If you hadn’t made me open my eyes, I’d still be out there sponging on my old friends.” She hid her face in her beautifully manicured hands. “My gosh, I can’t believe I imposed like that on them. I never thought I was such a selfish woman until Frank died and I saw myself the way others were seeing me.”
“You were just lonely and afraid,” Bess said, touching the older woman’s arm gently. “So was I. We had to find our feet, but we did.”
“Indeed we did.” Gussie’s eyes warmly approved her daughter’s neat pantsuit and elegant coiffure. “If Cade could see you like this,” she mused.
Bess flushed and lowered her eyes. “I’m trying not to think about Cade.”
“Why? Darling, he cares about you so much. If you could have seen him when you were in the hospital,” she added urgently, “you’d know how much he cares. It was what really changed my mind about him. I knew then that he’d never use you to try to get back at me, or for any other reason. I felt as sorry for him as I did for myself.”
“He felt responsible,” Bess replied. “Maybe he still does. He isn’t a loving man. He’s self-sufficient and very independent. He wants me, Mama, but that isn’t love.”
“For men it sometimes suffices,” Gussie said gently. “Anyway, it will work out all by itself eventually. Meanwhile you just have a good time being your own boss for a while. Without any well-meaning help from me and Cade,” she said, grinning.
Bess got up and hugged her warmly. “I love you, warts and all,” she said, kissing the blond hair. “Now let’s go and watch that new entertainment program and you can tell me about your partner.”
The new partner was Jess Davis, and to hear Gussie talk, he was Superman on the side. It was pleasant to know that the older woman had found someone she could enjoy spending time with, enjoy working with. So far it was only a business relationship—Gussie made that very clear. But Bess had her suspicions, even though she was pretty sure that Gussie would take her time before she made any commitments. She’d loved Frank Samson, despite her faults. She still hadn’t quite gotten over his death, at least not enough to be considering marriage so soon afterward.
Bess had hoped that Gussie knew something about Cade and how he was doing, but she didn’t. It bothered Bess that Cade hadn’t called or written. She’d expected that he would. Perhaps he’d expected her to make the first move. But it seemed as if she always made the first move these days, and now her hands were tied. It would be better for both of them if he let the engagement slide and didn’t try to step it up. But it hurt Bess that he’d seemed not to care anymore. Unless it had been guilt on his part all along, and now that Bess was back at work and out of sight, perhaps he didn’t feel guilty anymore.
She was sitting in her office late on a Friday afternoon, over six weeks after she’d left Lariat, when the door opened and she looked up from a mechanical she was finalizing, straight into Cade Hollister’s dark eyes.