Cecilia
I hadn’t heard from Jameson since yesterday afternoon. That wasn’t like him at all. His work schedule had been hectic and there was a possibility he was going to New Jersey to meet with the Governor but I was certain he would tell me that before he left. My texts and calls went unanswered since last night. Something didn’t feel right.
Just as I drove up to the marina, Miles got out of his car. I had called him this morning to see if he’d heard from his brother. He said Jameson had to stop at the boat last night to pick up a file he thought he’d left there. That was the last he’d heard from him. My overactive imagination kicked in and I had visions of him falling overboard or something crazy so I wanted to come down and check on him. Once I saw that he was okay I’d be fine.
“What are you doing here?” Miles asked. “I told you I’d call you when I found him.”
“I’m worried about him. It’s not like him to disappear.”
“Not anymore.” There was an anxious glint in his eyes.
“He’s not using,” I said without really thinking. I had this urge to defend Jameson. “I would know.”
“So would I.” There was a certainty in his voice that put me at ease but it still didn’t explain why I hadn’t heard from his brother.
We walked up the dock and to the boat. The door was slightly ajar. “He probably fell asleep. He’s been working so hard,” he assured me as we entered. “Jameson,” he called as I followed him onto the boat. The shades were drawn and it was hot inside the boat. Stifling even. As we proceeded down the little hallway to the back something didn’t feel right. My throat was dry and my palms were sweaty. My heart rate increased as I took each slow step.
“Jameson.” Miles ran over to the recliner in the corner of the sitting room. “Man, get up.”
“Hmm...” Jameson opened his eyes and stared at Miles. “What are you doing here?”
I couldn’t move forward as I stood in disbelief. His shirt was off and his belt unbuckled. The confused look in his bloodshot eyes was evident. And then there was the bottle of vodka on the floor by the chair and the two empty shot glasses by the littered cans of beer.
“Wait.” He tried to sit up, but he was unsuccessful. “What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this?”
“You don’t remember?” Miles asked as he glanced at the scene before him. The pain in his expression would stay with me for a long time.
“Remember what?” When he finally did get himself into a seated position, his gaze connected with mine. “CC, what are you doing here?”
“I should ask you that question.” I didn’t know what to say. What made him come here and drink? How had I not seen his desperation? Why had everything appeared fine for him? Was he that good of an actor? Or just a really good addict?
“I came here tonight to get a file I left the last time I was on board.” He felt around the chair. “Where’s my phone? What time is it?”
“You came here last night,” Miles said. “What did you do?”
“What do you mean?” Jameson couldn’t focus. “What did I do?” He rubbed his temples. “My fucking head. Why is it so damn hot in here?”
“You seemed to have had a really good time last night.” Miles pointed to the empty bottles. “What were you thinking? Why didn’t you call me or your sponsor?”
“What are you talking about?” Jameson looked around the boat. “I didn’t...” He tried to get up but fell back into the chair as he pointed to the floor. “I didn’t drink those. Where did they come from?”
“The evidence is all over the room,” Miles yelled. “You reek of alcohol. You’re still drunk.”
“No!” Jameson shouted. “I didn’t drink. You know I wouldn’t do that.”
I stood motionless, not feeling anything as I watched the man I loved self-destruct in front of me. He’d fought so hard for his sobriety. He’d told me he’d never been happier. How had this happened? How did I miss the signs?
“Let’s get you up and into the shower. Maybe that will help clear your mind,” Miles suggested. “You can call your sponsor and he’ll help you work this out. It’s a relapse. It happens.”
“Not to me!” Jameson was adamant. His denial was upsetting. It was as if he really believed he hadn’t done what was so clear. “This isn’t me.” He managed to get up off the recliner and stagger over to me. “Gorgeous, you know I wouldn’t do this.” He extended his hand for me. “You have to believe me.”
“What do you think happened?” I wanted to trust him but would I be an enabler if I allowed him to cover up his mistakes? “You’re clearly not right and there’s alcohol all over the place.”
“I don’t know.” He didn’t look me in the eyes. “It’s all so fuzzy. I came here for a few minutes and I had planned to surprise you with takeout on my way home. I wasn’t going to be here long.” He balled his fists at his side. “I don’t remember.”
“Ah, shit,” Miles whispered as a skinny, bleached-blonde woman in short shorts and a tank top that was two sizes too small for her rather large breasts came out of the bedroom.
I let go of Jameson’s hand and stepped away. “Who is she?”
“Who?” He turned to see the woman coming into the room. “Who the hell are you?”
“Ahh, sugar, you don’t remember?” She winked. “I’ll never forget you.”
“CC, I have no idea who this woman is. I’ve never seen her before.”
The woman laughed as she waved an envelope in front of him. “I don’t care if you remember me but thanks for the extra cash.”
My stomach churned as she passed me on her way out of the boat. Her cheap perfume lingered between Jameson and myself.
“You asshole.” I pushed his chest. “How could you?”
“I didn’t do anything.” He looked to his brother. “Miles, go after that woman and find out who she is.”
“What good is that going to do?” Miles asked.
“I need answers and she’s the only one who has them.” Jameson rubbed his temples. “Please.”
Miles sighed as he followed her out of the boat.
“I’m leaving.” I wasn’t going to stand here and let him explain what I’d already seen with my own eyes. I didn’t want his excuses.
“Don’t.” He grabbed my hand as I headed for the door. “I’ll admit I can’t remember what happened but there would be no reason for me to suddenly start drinking last night. None at all.”
“Then what’s the explanation?”
“I...” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know but I’ll figure it out.”
“I hope you do.” I let go of his hand as Miles came back inside. “I hope you figure out what you need.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Maybe you should call your sponsor.” I held back the tears that wanted to fall. Walking out on him would be tough but until he could get himself together what choice did I have?
“I don’t need my sponsor.” He shouted as I walked down the marina. “I need you.”
Jameson
“Fuck!” I punched the door as CC left. “She doesn’t believe me.”
“What is she supposed to believe?” Miles asked. “What do you want us to think?”
“I didn’t drink last night, and I certainly didn’t sleep with that woman.” I took a deep breath. “What did she say?”
“She told me to leave her alone or she’d call the cops.”
“Seriously!” I yelled. “Now what?”
“I got her plates.” He held up his phone. “She’s not that smart.”
“Get Meg here.” I headed for the bathroom. “I want her here by the time I’m out of the shower. Tell her to drop everything.”
“What do you think she’s going to be able to do?”
“What I pay her to do.” I slammed the bathroom door, grasping the counter as I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I looked like shit. Hungover, glazed over... but how? Something was off but not like when I had done a night of shots. More like when I’d get high. The aftermath. I refused to believe I used anything last night. Where would I have gotten it? I didn’t have a dealer anymore, not after what had happened to Sam. I swore I’d never do that again. That was my vow for him paying with his life. I turned on the faucet and striped myself of yesterday’s clothes. Maybe a shower would clear my head and I’d figure out what had happened.
Stepping into the stall, I closed my eyes and let the water loosen my tense muscles. I tried to concentrate on last night but CC kept invading my thoughts. The look in her eyes when she left me. I’d disappointed her. I was familiar with that. I’d done it to my parents, Miles and Max when I was using. They’d forgiven me so many times. When I got clean I vowed never to have anyone look at me like that again. What had I done to hurt CC? Why couldn’t I remember?
Fifteen minutes later I was showered and changed into a fresh pair of clothes. When I came into the sitting area of the boat, Miles had cleaned up the mess of bottles and shot glasses, and Meg was scrolling through my phone.
“Here.” Miles handed me a bottle of water. “I’m making coffee.”
“Thanks.” I sat down at the table in the kitchen area “Thanks for coming, Meg.”
“Of course.” She set my phone down. “Miles filled me in. I’m already having the plates on that woman’s car run.”
I nodded, trying to seem interested but all I could think about was CC. How was I going to get her to understand?
“What do you remember?” Meg asked. “Don’t leave anything out. I’ll put the pieces together.”
“I left the office to stop here. I wasn’t planning to stay long.” I remembered wanting to order dinner and bring it to CC’s house. I had pulled up the website for a takeout menu when a message came through. “I got a text when I was scrolling on my phone.”
“From Conrad?” Meg asked.
“Yes, is it there?”
“He said he was outside and wanted to talk to you.” Meg opened my messages. “Did he come inside?”
I thought for a moment but then I recalled him tapping on the door. Why had I forgotten that? “Yeah.”
“What did he want?” Miles sat across from me. “I thought we were done with him.”
“He came to tell me there were no hard feelings about me dropping him. He was going back to Massachusetts to reevaluate his career. I thought it was odd especially after the way I ended his contract. I figured we wouldn’t hear from him again.”
“How long did he stay?” Meg set up her laptop.
“I don’t know.” I remembered Conrad coming here but I had no memory of him leaving. “Our conversation was civilized. He asked me for some water. I can’t remember after that.” I hadn’t experienced this in years. “I know what you’re thinking but I’m not drinking again.”
“I believe you,” Miles said.
“Thank you.”
“Besides, those bottles I cleaned up were cheap. You wouldn’t be caught dead drinking that junk.” He snickered. “You’re too sophisticated.”
Meg laughed as she studied the screen.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I have a friend who can get me access to the security tapes at the marina.” She continued to type. “It may take a few hours but I’ll get in.”
“That should help.” Miles glanced at his phone. “Then we’ll know if anyone else came here last night.”
“None of this makes sense.” I stood, feeling anxious and paranoid. “I need to go.”
“Where?” Concern dominated my brother’s expression. “You’ve had a rough night. We don’t know what’s still in your system.”
“I’m feeling better now.” I poured some coffee into a to-go mug. “I need to see Cecilia.”
“Maybe we should wait until Meg has something,” Miles suggested. “CC looked as if she needed some proof. If you go to her now you might end up making things worse.”
“No, I have to explain to her that I didn’t do what she thinks I did.” At least I hoped I hadn’t slept with that woman. I wouldn’t have done it sober. I needed to know what happened. I took my wallet from my pants pocket and checked to see if the cash I had from yesterday was still there. “Meg, access my bank records. My money is still here from last night. If I paid that woman like she claims I did, I would have had to make a withdraw. I’m certain I didn’t.”
“I’ll do that now.”
“We’ll meet at my place in a few hours. I want answers by then.” I looked to Miles. “Will you drive me to CC’s? You’re right. I don’t know what’s in my system.” The last thing I needed was a DUI for something I didn’t even do. How the hell had this happened?
“Sure.” Miles shook his key fob. “Anything you need.”
I need for CC to believe me.
***
Miles had dropped me off twenty minutes ago, but I needed some time to get myself together. I had to rely on Meg to figure out what happened to me last night. She had to help me fit the pieces together because I was on the verge of losing the only person who ever mattered to me.
After pacing the block a few times and hitting up the local store for a bottle of water, I decided it was time to see CC. She wasn’t ready for me so soon, and I probably should have waited until I had something concrete to tell her. I couldn’t. I had to see her. My sanity hinged on her presence.
When she opened the front door and found me standing on her porch she looked disappointed. Her eyes were red and her makeup smeared. I was the cause of her misery. I’d rather her be furious with me, hate me, call me hurtful names. I could handle all of those. What I couldn’t handle was that look in her eyes. The disapproval and the pity.
“Why are you here?” she asked.
“Because I needed to see you.”
“I don’t want your apologies. I don’t want excuses.”
“What do you want? Tell me and I’ll do it.”
“I needed you to come to me before you slipped up. Why couldn’t you have called me when you were feeling that low? Didn’t you trust me enough to be there for you?”
“Of course I do. If I was in a place where I thought I was going to lose my battle I would tell you.” I didn’t ever want to be in that place again but knowing I had her would make all the difference. “I would beg for you to talk me off the ledge.” I stared up at the sky, hoping there would never be a time when I would have to put her through that. When I was using I was dark and unreachable. I’d get lost in the drugs and alcohol. I’d become a different person. One that I wouldn’t want her to see. One that she should never have to experience.
“You’ve shut me out before,” she said. “I know it was a lot for you to tell me stuff but the other night when you dreamt about Sam you wouldn’t talk about it.”
“Because the dream was nothing but a memory I don’t like dealing with.”
“How do I know that dream didn’t trigger something for you?”
“Don’t you understand that if anything the dream makes me fight harder? I wouldn’t let Sam’s death make me relapse. I honor his memory by staying alive.”
“No, that’s the problem. I don’t understand.”
“Can I come in?” If she wanted to talk about the night Sam died I’d do it but that had nothing to do with what occurred on my boat last night.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She shook her head. “You should go.”
“Not until you hear what I have to say.” I leaned against the railing. “So if I have to say it out here I will.”
She didn’t move. Maybe that was a good sign. She could have slammed the door in my face. I couldn’t explain last night. Not yet, but I could tell her how much she meant to me.
“I swear to you if I was desperate enough to do what it looked like I had done this morning, I would have reached out to you. There’s no doubt in my mind. I would have been ashamed for my weaknesses but I know you would be there for me.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I didn’t do what you think I did.” I dealt with reality. I was a fact guy, a numbers guy and a realist. I knew how absurd this all sounded. “I’m asking a lot of you. I need you to take a leap with me. I need you to entertain the possibility that I was set up.”
“Set up?”
“I know.” I wouldn’t believe it myself if it hadn’t happened to me. “I don’t have any details yet but Meg is working on it.”
“Meg? Is she the one who spied on me for you?”
Aren’t we passed that?
“Jameson, I’d have more respect for you if you just told me the truth.”
“I am telling you the truth.” Maybe I should have waited for proof. “I have no recollection of drinking. The last thing I remember is being at my boat.” I wouldn’t bring up the part about Conrad until I had something solid. “I didn’t buy alcohol. There’s no phone record of me calling that woman. Which by the way, I have no clue who she is. Meg is working on that too.”
“Doesn’t that bother you? You slept with a woman you don’t know? Did you use protection? Or can’t you remember that either? I trusted you to be faithful.”
“I didn’t sleep with her.” I understood her frustration but I needed her to believe me.
“How do you know? Instead of standing there denying everything maybe you should take some accountability. Find out who she is and make sure she doesn’t have a disease.”
“I take responsibility for my actions all the time.” There wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that I didn’t have regret or remorse for the things I’d done in my past. “If I could remember drinking and being with her, I’d tell you. Don’t you understand I have no memory of any of it? I can’t tell you where she came from. Where the alcohol came from. Nothing.”
“You blacked out.”
“I did, but I should have memories of what I did last night before I blacked out. There are too many pieces missing and that raises suspicions.”
“This is all too much.” When she closed her eyes, a single tear slipped down her cheek. “I can’t do this right now.”
“We have to do this right now.” I grabbed her hand. “You have to believe me.”
“I want to but...” She tried to contain a sob but wasn’t successful. “I can’t stand the thought of losing you to your demons.”
“CC, you won’t lose me.” I tugged her to me and held her in my arms. “I can’t be the reason for this pain. Please tell me what I can do.”
“Jameson.” She held onto me so tight, I didn’t think she’d ever let go. “It wouldn’t be the first time you paid for sex.”
And there it is...
“I’m sorry but that’s why I can’t trust you.” She let go of me but not before I was able to inhale her warm, comforting scent. “Please, I need space.”
“I’ll give you space.” What choice did I have? “There’s something you should know.”
“What?” She opened the front door and back inside.
“Even if I did slip up and drink, which I know I didn’t willingly, I would never have slept with her.”
“How do you know?”
“I belong to you.” My words lingered between us and I hoped that they were sinking in for her. They were the truest words I’d ever spoken.
She moved inside and quickly shut the door, tears streaming down her cheeks. That was a horrible image to see but I would keep it with me for motivation as I tried to figure all this bullshit out.