Chapter 28 – Monica
“Ms. Carrington,” the doctor says, sitting down in a chair, beside my bed. Susan scoots her plastic chair over to the wall, to make more room. “According to the ultrasound results, everything looks good with your baby. He’s doing just fine in there.”
“He’s?” I ask, a slow smile spreading across my face.
“I’m sorry,” the doctor says. “I assumed the ultrasound tech told you the gender. Did you not want to know?”
“Yes, I do want to know,” I tell her. “I mean, I would have been happy with either gender. I just want a healthy baby. But it’s so sweet that it’s a boy.”
I smile at Susan and say, “A boy cousin for Mason! Becky will be disappointed it’s not a girl.”
I instantly feel more of a connection to him now that I know his gender. I’ll have to start thinking of names.
“We’ll start getting the nursery ready, with little boy clothes, and we can paint it blue…” Susan says, sounding nearly as excited as I am.
I continue to smile at her. I’m really grateful for her help and support. It’s funny, how at first I was the one helping her, and now the tables have pretty much turned. But I think that my having this baby gives both of us some much needed focus, and hope.
“So, yes, the baby is fine,” says the doctor. “But your ultrasound and internal exam show that you may have an incompetent cervix. That could certainly explain your recent symptoms.”
“A what?” I ask her.
Incompetent sounds scary, as if my cervix can’t do its job. I have to remember basic biology lessons to remind myself that the cervix is the lower part of my uterus, that closes off the womb from the outside world. I know it’s the thing that dilates during labor, but that’s about all I know about it.
“It basically means that there is weak cervical tissue,” the doctor explains.
Then she looks at my chart. “This is your first pregnancy, correct?”
“Yes.”
I think back to all the times I tried, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant. And then, when I thought it was all for the best and I didn’t even think I wanted a baby, this miracle happens, and causes me to re-think everything.
In case it makes a difference, I add, “I had tried before, for quite a while, but they finally told me I was unable to have children.”
“You’ve never had a miscarriage or pregnancy loss?” the doctors asks.
“No. Never. Just… infertility, I guess.”
“Well, it’s good that we caught this early on then. You had good motherly instincts, coming in as soon as you experienced symptoms.”
I smile, proud of myself and feeling as if I deserve a Mother of the Year trophy already. But then I remember that I was in pain and very fearful; what else would I have done except come to the hospital?
“Often an incompetent cervix doesn’t show signs until later in the first pregnancy, and by that time it can be too late,” the doctor continues. “It can result in miscarriage or premature birth. Then we know to take preventative measures during the subsequent pregnancy. But in your case, I’m going to go ahead and recommend we get started with these measures now.”
“Okay,” I tell her, still a bit fearful because she mentioned miscarriage. “Whatever is best for the baby.”
“It’s still possible that you’ll give birth prematurely, but hopefully we can make sure it’s late enough in the pregnancy to be viable,” she says.
My heart speeds up, worried and fearful.
“We’ll put you on medication called progesterone supplementation,” she continued. “We’ll give you a cervical cerclage, which is a surgery where we’ll stitch your cervix closed with strong sutures. They’ll need to be removed during your last month of pregnancy, or during labor.”
“Okay,” I tell her.
“And you’ll have extra monitoring via ultrasounds to make sure the cervix stays closed and the baby is still doing well. Does all of that make sense?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
“I’d also advise you to limit your activities. You don’t need to go on complete bed rest, but you’ll want to make sure to avoid strenuous exercise, or prolonged walking or even standing. Are you currently working?”
“No,” I tell her.
“Okay, that’s good,” she says, and I’ve never been so glad to not be active Air Force, which is ironically the one thing that used to define me.
“You should really try to avoid vigorous activity,” the doctor says. “It wouldn’t hurt to stay in bed as much as possible. Do you have a…?”
She asks, and then looks at Susan, seated quietly in the chair by the wall. I know she was going to ask if I had a partner, but thought better of it.
“I’m her sister-in-law and I live with her,” Susan volunteers, eagerly. “I have two children of my own so I’m used to pregnancy issues. I can help her, and do whatever she needs.”
“Great,” the doctor says, looking relieved. “You should really take this time to just relax. Take Susan here up on her offer to help you out. Try to focus on getting rest and staying horizontal or at least just seated as much as possible, rather than running around being up on your feet all day every day. Okay?”
“Yes,” I tell her.
It will be hard for me. I’m used to staying active. But I know I have to do what’s best for my baby, and at least I don’t have to be on strict bed rest. Perhaps some time to relax will do me good.
“Do you have any questions?” the doctor asks.
“Just… when will I get that surgery you mentioned?”
I’m anxious to get my cervix stitched up, so that the baby will sit tight.
“We can do it right now, or as soon as they’re ready to wheel you up to surgery,” the doctor says, making a note in my chart. “I’ll go check on the status, but it shouldn’t be too long. It will be a short surgery, so if Susan lives close by she can come pick you up afterwards, maybe?”
“Sure,” Susan says, getting up and walking over to the bed.
“Okay, well it was nice meeting you and I wish you all the best with this pregnancy,” the doctor says.
I smile at her as she leaves the room, then I tell Susan, “You can go ahead and go. I know you have to pick up Mason and Becky soon, and it doesn’t sound like you’re needed or even allowed in the surgical area.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, holding my hand in hers. “I’m so glad to hear that everything should be okay. I told you…”
“Yes, you did,” I say, grinning. “I’m glad they can do this surgery right away. I’ll call you when I’m done so you can just swing by with the kids and hopefully they can wheel me outside to meet you or something.”
Susan uses a 24-hour drop-off daycare when she needs it, because I’m her only relative that lives here, and until recently I worked a lot. It’s not exactly cheap, and I’m grateful she could bring me to the hospital and be here with me, but I also don’t want to hold her up any more than I have to.
“Okay, love you,” she says, bending down to give me a kiss on the forehead.
“Love you too. Thanks for everything!”
I put on my headphones and start playing the Just For One Weekend soundtrack I’d made for Ramsey. “Motorcycle Drive-By” is on, which is fitting but doesn’t bode well for the future.
As I reflect on the lyrics, I know I’ve almost never felt so alone, but I do have my baby boy to keep me company. As for never feeling so in love… well, I’m definitely in love with the baby. I’ll just keep it at that.
I’m still a bit afraid for the baby, but I’m glad to have answers and hopefully a solution. Everything is falling into place, and I’m excited for the future. I wish that Ramsey could be here with me and be a part of this but I know that’s not how life works. No one can get everything they want.
Chapter 29 – Ramsey
One Week Later
My unit finally moves to a more stable base camp, and Harlow and I mention calling home to let the family know we’re okay and where they can reach us via mail, at least.
As we set up our tents, one of the guys— Chad— says, “Is it alright with you guys if I use the phone room first, privately? My sister is undergoing cancer treatment, and I might just get a little…”
Emotional.
“Of course,” we say. “Go ahead and call her now. The rest of us can wait.”
“It’s so weird to think of everything going on back at home, while we’re out here,” says another of my buddies. “I know it’s only been about four months, but it feels like forever, since we were all back at Kirtland, doing our final training, and then pissing around during R&R.”
I try not to think about Monica, during the last visit I spent with her, when we walked on the beach and made fantastic love. I think I kind of screwed it up at the end, by laughing when she suggested Skyping with my family.
In my defense, I’d honestly thought it was a joke. But she’s been distant since then, more reserved. I plan to call her soon, but I don’t have high hopes for her reception of such a phone call.
Most of the time I’ve been here, I’ve felt okay, although we’ve been doing some risky operations. I listen to Monica’s soundtrack and keep plenty busy, just with work. I think of her often, but I feel it’s something in the past; just as she wanted and we both promised from the beginning. It must help me, though, because I haven’t had too many night terrors. When I do, I listen to the songs to help calm me down, and remember how Monica used to rub my back.
It usually works. The most dangerous part of our trip is over, and miraculously no one was injured. Now we’re training some Afghans with the rest of our time left here.
“Speaking of training at Kirtland,” another guy says. “You remember that chick fighter pilot with the F-35? Who did the close combat support training?”
Most of the other guys nod or mumble— a few aren’t even paying attention and others make jokes alluding to the tampons in the pink plane— but I try not to look like I’m paying too much attention, although of course I’m all ears. Why’s he talking about Monica?
“I heard she’s out on disability, or retiring or something,” he continues.
What? I think. Disability? Is she okay?
“Whoa,” says another guy. “That’s kind of weird. She seemed super into her job. She liked to act tough and brag about being a chick in a guy’s world, that kind of thing.”
“I know, right?” the first guy says. “That’s why I found it so surprising. I guess it must be a health issue, or I can’t imagine why else she would suddenly want to be done.”
“Maybe a mental health issue,” someone else jokes. “I bet she’s a real basket case.”
Harlow glances at me, and I shoot him a defensive glare in return. He’s been worried about my night terrors and what he calls my “depression” lately, but I keep reassuring him that I’m just fine.
“You talking about Carrington?” asks Tim, another guy in our unit, as he walks over from the supply truck with some rope and tarps.
“Yeah, just speculating on why she’s out on leave,” someone says.
Tim wipes sand out of his eyes and says, “I heard she got knocked up.”
“Whoa,” says a chorus of guys, in unison, and one says, “I didn’t even know she was married or anything. Who knocked her up?”
Yeah, I want to ask. Who knocked her up?
I suddenly feel dizzy, and I take a drink of water from my canteen. Harlow’s still looking at me kind of funny, so I try to act as normal as I possibly can. But I have to admit this news has thrown me for a loop.
“No idea,” says Tim, with a shrug. “And it’s all just speculation I heard through the grapevine. Apparently some commanders were talking shit when they got drunk while planning joint mission training. The funniest part was that some of them supposedly said they’re sad to lose her and how she’s a great pilot who was very helpful during trainings, blah blah blah.”
There are jokes about how a guy in a skirt could do a better job, and how maybe she could bring her baby on the airplane and breastfeed it while she flies. Womens’ lib, and all of that.
Some guys even said that this is why women shouldn’t be allowed into the military; they just leave as soon as they get knocked up. I’m feeling a little less wobbly, so I bend down to pound a stake into the ground, hoping I look inconspicuous, even to Harlow.
“I don’t know that she’s announced a pregnancy or retirement or anything like that,” Tim continues, “But I think the speculation was started because the timing of it is fishy. She’s using her sick leave, and someone said something about maternity leave, and someone else said word on the street is that she’s putting in her resignation papers. All signs point to pregnancy, but who knows. There’s no official word yet.”
He shrugs as if to say, “Oh well,” but I’m still rather incredulous.
Monica can’t really be pregnant, can she? I think. I’m sure she would tell me. But what if it isn’t mine? Or what if it is mine, but it was all part of some ploy that Monica had, as a way to have a baby and leave the Air Force?
That doesn’t really make sense, and I wouldn’t suspect it of Monica, but I feel foolish and confused. I suppose I don’t really know her that well, even though I thought I did.
I’m determined to sneak off to the phone room as soon as Chad is back, before Harlow or any of the other guys take their turns. I’m not sure how I should go about it, but I know I need to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.