BETWEEN THE STRAIGHT-BACKED CHAIR BY KAI’S hospital bed last week, the couch in Glory Falls, the dusty, lumpy mattress in the shed, and sleeping again under my piano last night, I haven’t been in a bed in what feels like weeks.
I’m like a homeless person living in a mansion, minus the shopping cart. I sit up slowly, making sure nothing hurts. The floor is worse than Aunt Ruthie’s couch. Just days ago I woke up with that damn cushion like a springy knife in my back and Kai curled up to my front instead of in her nice, comfy bed up the hall.
Only days ago I thought we were on the right track. In addition to being in the best place we’ve ever been in our relationship, or so I thought, she had given me permission to get her out of the shitty deal with Malcolm. She was coming to work with me at Prodigy. She promised to marry me when the time was right. We even talked about kids.
It was heaven that all went to hell with just a few words in a few moments. Words Kai should have said to me weeks ago. I know I had a strong reaction when I first found out Drex and Kai had a one-night stand. I understand her hesitation, but to lie to me for this long? To set a plan in motion . . . and I use the word “plan” loosely . . . that would leave me in the dark completely about something so important? A secret she would have kept from me forever? That’s our problem, not the fact that someone is threatening her with a sex tape.
But damn if that video didn’t cut through me like a scythe, leaving a curved trail of guts and emotions. I knew Gep would need to see it, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to. I only made it through a few seconds, but I wish I could take those seconds back. Like I’m gonna watch some punk ass fucking my girl for five minutes. Even if it wasn’t Drex I couldn’t do that. Each frame was a nail drilling into my eye, an anvil swinging at my head. And that smug smile on his damn face, I’ll punish him for that. I’ll punish him for making the tape at all. I’ve never felt this level of unadulterated hatred for anyone. Not even for him, but doing this to Kai goes too far.
Even if I can barely be civil to her right now.
I know I have to find a way to forgive her. She forgave me. I get it, but it doesn’t change how betrayed I feel. How galling it is to know that once again she trusted San with something she didn’t give me. That she held a threat in the palm of her hand in that shed and lied to me outright about it. Every time I’m with Kai I feel emotionally naked, like she has unrestricted access to every part of me. I don’t want to hide anything from her, and that was only possible because I thought she felt the same.
But she didn’t.
And I’m really struggling to get past how I deceived myself that she felt that, too.
When I saw her curled up last night at the base of the stairs from my music room . . . God, I just wanted to fuck her right there on the steps, to bury my body so deep there would be no room for even vestiges of anyone else. To exterminate all the termites chewing through my brain after seeing Drex with her in a way that only I should ever be with her. But I couldn’t do it. Sex between us right now would do exactly what Kai thought it would have done before. It would give us a false sense of intimacy. Give us a false sense of rightness. Because nothing is right, not right now.
In addition to the knotted muscles in my back, I’m starving. And there’s not much time to eat. I have to hit this day running. Gep assured me he’d find Drex where San and his minions failed, and I need to be ready to move as soon as he does.
And when I find that motherfucker . . .
After a quick shower, the sight of Kai already in the kitchen truncates the thoughts of how I’ll punish Drex. Several delicious scents hang in the air around her. The smell of strawberries from the jar of preserves open on the counter tangles with her cinnamon pear soap. I smell the toast popped up in the toaster mingling with the rich roast coffee brewing. The sweetest and most addictive scent is the most subtle—just Kai. Just whatever chemistry mixes in that tight, petite body to make her skin, unadorned, smell the way it does without soap, perfumes, or anything else. I can never get enough of it.
Kai’s at the stove, back to me, so I have a few seconds to study her. Skinny jeans mold her toned legs and cup that round ass. Her favorite wedge-heeled Converse give her a few inches, but I know she still won’t make it past my chin. A cropped Kelly green sweater flashes just a strip of her slim back, and I know when she faces me, I’ll see her stomach, flat and subtly muscled. Her hair drapes over one shoulder, and I want nothing more than to have that dark, wavy mass poured over me while she takes the top and rides me until we explode into a hot Milky Way, lost in a galaxy where it’s just us. The sweater hangs off one bare shoulder, and her skin is melted honey gold fitted over delicate bones. She’s probably not wearing a bra, and any other day I’d send my mouth searching under that sweater and make love to her nipples until she collapsed in my arms, all weak knees and hungry hands.
Under all that beauty, I see her lies.
She turns to the refrigerator to grab orange juice and catches sight of me.
“Oh, hey.” Pink tints her cheeks. “I mean, good morning. I didn’t know you were up yet. I know you had a late night.”
I don’t answer and don’t move, but her voice like molasses, thick and sweet, sticks to me, weakens my resolve. And if I speak or move, I might give away just how flimsy my defenses are against her, when she’s not even trying.
“Um, there’s breakfast.” She gestures to the eggs and bacon and toast she’s made. “I wasn’t sure if you . . . well, if you’d want to eat, or if Sarita was coming. And I wanted to make sure you, well, had . . . yeah.”
I would laugh at her rambling if I wasn’t so gutted by what I saw on that tape. If I wasn’t so furious with Drex and frustrated that I can’t rip his throat out for threatening her and exploiting her. So I don’t laugh, I just keep staring at her, not sure which move to make. Her eyes drop to the floor. She shifts her feet and shoves her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.
“Say something, Rhys.” Uncertainty threads her words. “I can’t deal with the silent treatment.”
“Ironic since I did for two months.” I shake my head and move toward the coffee on the counter. “A few hours and already you can’t deal.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” She sighs and reaches up to grab a plate from a high shelf in the cabinet. The stretch pulls the cropped sweater up a little more to reveal just the bottom curve of her breast.
Dammit, no bra.
My mouth waters, and not for the food she’s plating. I sit at the counter, gulping down the coffee, even though it’s so hot it singes the lining of my throat. She sets my food down and takes the high-backed stool beside me, silently digging into her breakfast. Tension entombs the kitchen, sealing us in dead air and tight silence while we eat. After a few moments she tosses her fork onto her plate and takes a huge gulp of the orange juice.
“I thought it might . . .” Her words peter out, and she swallows. “I thought it might be better if I crash at San’s for a while.”
My fork hovers between the plate and my mouth for a few seconds. I drop it and swing my head around to stare at her.
“So you’re running again?”
“I’m not running.” She presses a shaky hand to her forehead, shielding half her face from me. “I just thought it’d be better for you. You obviously don’t want me—”
“Stop right there,” I cut in. “How the hell do you know what I want? How do you presume to know anything right now?”
“Well, you didn’t want to be anywhere near me last night and you’re barely speaking this morning. I thought you’d . . . I just thought it would make it less awkward while we figure things out.”
“Do you have any idea how hard it was for me not to fuck you in half last night?” I demand, voice low and tight. “And even now, not to bend you over the counter? I want you all the time.”
“Still?” she whispers, fear and hope twisting in her eyes.
“All the time,” I reiterate, my words softer, but still fierce. “But I’m still sorting this out, Kai. I just found out about all of this last night. You can’t just run every time we fight. If you hadn’t been on tour, I would have been at your door every day begging you to take me back, even knowing you didn’t want to see me. Knowing that you may have even hated me. It wouldn’t have mattered. I’d rather live with your anger and disappointment every hour of every day than be apart from you. All I’m asking is for you to show me you’d do the same.”
She’s off the stool and standing right in front of me as soon as my last word hits the air, her scent wrapping around me. Her eyes connected with mine, setting me on fire. Her hands cup my face, forcing me to look at her.
“Then you’ve got it.” The words are husky and breathless. “I want you to forgive me. I need it like air, Rhys, but I’ll be here living with your anger until you’re ready. I’ll take whatever you think I deserve, just don’t stop loving me.”
It’s a compulsion, my hands sliding down her waist to grip her hips, to pull her close. I press my forehead to hers, taking in her strawberry-scented breath.
“Pep, I—”
The door swings open, and Bristol walks in, dark hair scraped back, all suited up, stiletto heels clicking across the marble floor. Her steps falter for a second when she sees us standing so close. I reluctantly put space between Kai and me, returning to my breakfast.
“Morning, Bris.” I grab Kai’s orange juice and take a quick gulp to soothe the third degree coffee burn.
Marlon’s right behind her, his face more somber than I’ve seen it in a long time.
“Marlon, what’s up?” I take a bite of the toast smeared with preserves from Glory Falls. “Didn’t know you were coming. Did I forget a session or something?”
“I called him.” Bristol helps herself to a piece of toast and peers at the jar of preserves like it’s under a microscope.
“It’s strawberry preserves,” Kai says with a tiny smile. “I have pear, too, if you want that instead.”
Where Bristol hesitates, Marlon dives right in, grabbing two pieces of toast and loading them up with preserves. Grunting and nodding at how delicious it is.
“Grip’s here because I thought you might need some back up.” Bristol rolls her eyes. “Or at the very least a babysitter to make sure you don’t end up in jail, and I don’t trust Gep with that responsibility.”
“Jail?” I stop chewing. “What the fuck?”
“We found Drex.” My sister passes a glance between Kai and me. “Took Gep no time. Drex is in Topanga, just where San last spotted him.”
I spring to my feet and scrape the remains of my breakfast into the garbage disposal, the satisfying grind only making me wish it was Drex’s head I was shoving down that dark, greedy hole.
“Gimme the address.” I lean against the sink, arms folded across my chest. I can’t even look at Kai, who went completely still as soon as Bris shared her news.
“I hope it’s okay that I caught Grip up on some of what’s happening. Not all,” Bristol says. “You can tell him what you like, but I don’t want you going to see Drex alone.”
I shrug, avoiding the sympathy and the questions in my best friend’s eyes.
“Gep will be with me,” I remind her.
“Gep’s ex-CIA. Just as likely to water board Drex as you are, if it comes to that,” Bristol says. “Besides, you need someone who will keep you, not just safe, but out of trouble.”
“And you choose this pothead to keep me out of trouble?” A small smile quirks one corner of my mouth. A full on grin spreads across Marlon’s face as he chomps on a piece of bacon.
“I’m all you got, dude.” The grin slips a little, and he glances at Kai, whose head is bent over her plate. “You’ve wanted to kill him before, and I’m always the one who stops you.”
Maybe not this time.
“There’s something else you should know.” Bristol heaves a deep breath before looking at me. “The rental property Drex has been hiding out in, it belongs to John Malcolm.”
Kai’s head snaps up, and her wide eyes find mine.
“What?” I run my hands over my face and through my hair. “Are they working together? Is he protecting him for some reason?”
“I’m still figuring that out,” Bristol says, a grim, determined set to her lips. “But we’ll get to the bottom of it before the day is over. That you can be sure of.”
My wheels are spinning like a windmill in a tornado.
“Where are we with that other project we discussed a few days ago?”
“What other—” Bristol’s eyes light up as her brain makes the same connections mine do. “Far. We’re already far down the road with that project. I’m waiting to hear back from one last person. Should be done by the end of the day.”
“Don’t wait to hear. Wrap that shit up, and we don’t have until the end of the day. Now that we’ve found Drex, that’s at the top of your list.” I push off the counter and nod my head toward the door. “Come on, Marlon. Let’s go.”
“Gep’s meeting you there,” Bristol says. “Don’t go in without him. He was confirming one last thing with his techie friend at the CIA, but he knew you wouldn’t wait.”
“Damn right.”
Marlon’s out the door, and I’m right behind him, but I hesitate. Kai’s been quiet since Bristol and Marlon arrived. I know this is tough for her. Not just me knowing about the tape, but my whole team knowing. My sister and Gep. Now Marlon. Shame highlights her cheeks, but she takes another bite of her toast like this isn’t killing her. I cross over, tipping her chin until she has to look at me.
“Be careful,” she says before I have the chance to speak. “Please don’t do anything crazy because of me.”
I bend until my lips are suspended over hers.
“You’re the only thing worth doing something crazy for.” I press a quick kiss to her lips. “Don’t worry about it. About any of it, okay? Let me take care of this.”
“I don’t suppose I could come with you?” The question barely makes it past her lips, before I shoot it down.
“No way are you going anywhere near that douchebag.”
She drops her head a little, nodding.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” Her eyes flick to Bristol ostensibly consumed with making coffee a few feet away. “I know you’re still angry with me.”
“Furious,” I whisper over her mouth, drawn to the sweetness beyond her lips despite my lingering hurt and anger.
She closes the few inches to kiss me deeply, sinking her fingers into my hair, gripping me until I couldn’t move if I wanted to.
But I don’t want to.
I wish I could forget about the tape and about John fucking Malcolm and just stay here and repair all that’s broken between us. She hurt me, like I’ve hurt her in the past, but every kiss, every touch, carries a balm that soothes me back into wanting every moment I can have with her.
“When you can forgive me,” she says, her breath coming hard, eyes melded with mine. “I’m yours.”
The look I give her penetrates as surely as if I’m sliding up inside of her.
“Pep, you’re already mine.”
And then I walk away from her while I still can.