THIS COUCH GAVE MY CHIVALRY A bad back.
I shift a little to avoid the spring poking my lower lumbar, but encounter a warm, curvy lump nestled against my chest. The smell of pears and cinnamon wafts up from the petite person squeezed between my body and the cushions.
“Pep,” I whisper, more to myself than to Kai. This is how every day should start. For her to slip in here with me and endure this lumpy couch when she had a perfectly good bed up the hall tells me she feels the same.
I don’t want to wake her. An investigative look over the top of the couch through the window sheers reveals the sky is still that just-past-dawn palette, faintly splashed with pinks and gold.
I want to keep things above board in Aunt Ruthie’s house, but I have to squeeze Kai a little tighter to my chest. As sprawling and complex as my life can be sometimes, it really all boils down to this. To this girl huddled into me, sharing a blanket in the morning chill. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect her from the likes of Malcolm. To keep her from guys like Dub. Anything to hold her right here this close.
“Guess she couldn’t stay away,” Aunt Ruthie says softly from the hall that leads to the bedrooms. “You two are like magnets.”
Shit.
“Um, well, no. We didn’t . . . I guess she wanted . . . Nothing happened.”
I sound like some pimple-faced teenager from a John Hughes movie. I’m a grown man, and Kai’s my girlfriend. And we sleep together. We fuck really hard, and I really love it. But under the steady stare of the closest thing Kai has to family, I want to strap a chastity belt on her.
Aunt Ruthie lifts the untamed line of her eyebrows, a small smile denting one cheek.
“I’ll take your word for it,” she says. “I’m getting coffee. Want some? Or are you going back to, uh . . . sleep?”
Kai’s squished on the couch and would probably sleep a lot better and longer with me gone. I slide away, careful not to wake her, pulling the blanket up to her neck and following Aunt Ruthie into the kitchen.
The silence percolates in the dimly lit kitchen right along with the coffee. Aunt Ruthie seems content with it, pulling out eggs, milk, cheese, and bacon, humming a tune I don’t know, probably some church song, but the quiet drives me a little crazy.
“I promise nothing happened,” I blurt. “Last night, I mean. I just woke up and Kai was on the couch, but nothing—”
“Happened. Yes, you mentioned that,” Aunt Ruthie slips in, handing me a mug of coffee. “Why do you care so much if I believe it?”
I clear my throat and sit at the square wooden table taking up a good bit of space in the small kitchen.
“You’re the closest thing Kai has to family.” I shrug, like my next words haven’t knit a nervous ball of yarn in my stomach. “I want you to like me. To approve of me because one day I’ll be asking for your blessing.”
“My blessing?” Aunt Ruthie only bothers lifting one brow this time. “What kind of blessing?”
“To marry her.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, that ball starts unwinding because that sounds so right.
“‘Blessing’s’ an interesting word. You don’t strike me as an especially religious or traditional man, Rhyson.” Aunt Ruthie settles into the seat across from me, sheltering the steaming coffee mug between her hands, keeping her voice as low as mine. “Do you even believe in blessings?”
“No, I don’t think I do, but she does.” I take a sip of the coffee before continuing. “I’ve always been honest with Kai that I don’t do religion. I don’t really care about it, but I know it’s important to her.”
“Is it still?” Aunt Ruthie tilts her head, her eyes intent. “I wasn’t sure. We haven’t talked about it in a long time.”
“I think Kai’s figuring things out for herself like most people have to, but her faith is still in her heart.”
“And where’s your faith?”
“If I have any, it’s in her.”
“It’s dangerous to love that way, Rhys.” She shakes her head before taking another sip.
“Why?”
“Because none of us are perfect or live forever. We’re just human beings who make mistakes and die eventually. When you love someone like that, so completely, they can hurt you without even meaning to. Kai’s mama hurt me more than anyone ever has, and all she did was die.”
I absorb those words through my skin, through my bones and to my heart. I get that. Kai and I laughed in Berlin over her being the most powerful person in my universe, but it’s true.
“And as amazing as I think Kai is, she’s not perfect. She’ll mess up. We all do. Love her through her mistakes. That’ll be the true test of it.” She raises her brows over her mug. “Think you can do that?”
“I can do that.” I nod, certainty settling over all my doubts because Kai loved me through my mistakes. I’d do that for her.
“Then you won’t need my blessing.” Aunt Ruthie breathes a short laugh. “And if Kai’s as in love with you as you are with her, she won’t need it either. That girl is as stubborn as they come. In a lot of ways, Kai’s more like her father than her mother.”
Aunt Ruthie tips her head, brows up.
“Not that you could ever tell her that.”
“What was he like? Her dad, I mean?”
Aunt Ruthie’s long sigh makes the air heavy. She sets her coffee mug down, studying the dark liquid before answering.
“He was a good man who made a really bad decision and ruined everything.” Aunt Ruthie runs a hand over her salt and sanded hair. “I can see that in people. How good people do really stupid things. We all do, but what he did, how he left them, was unforgiveable.”
I don’t want to be another man in Kai’s life who hurts her with my bad decisions. Unfortunately, I already have.
“Did she tell you what I did?” I ask tentatively. “Why she left me?”
“No.” Aunt Ruthie grins. “But you’re a man, so I’m sure it was very stupid.”
I can’t help but grin back because in hindsight, getting Total Package to pass on Kai was very stupid.
“You’re right. I was a Grade A imbecile, but I was only trying to do what’s best for her, to help. She’s not an easy girl to help, ya know?”
“Oh, I’m aware.”
“And I want to protect her, to take care of her without smothering her, but I keep fuck—” My eyes dart to Aunt Ruthie’s waiting expression. “I mean, I keep messing up.”
Fucking and cursing—two of the things I’m really good at—are off limits in this house. The little smile she tries to suppress offers me some relief and emboldens me to go on.
“I’m in therapy, and I hope that’ll help.” I circle the rim of the mug with my index finger. “I’ve just never felt like this about anyone, about anything really, before. I’m not always sure how to handle it.”
“Can I give you a little cheat sheet?” Aunt Ruthie waits for my nod before going on. “Don’t just act out of what you think is best for her. You’re not her parent. You’re not her father. Think about what will show her that you love her and understand her. That’s important to Kai.”
It’s a simple thing, but it forces Kai’s words during our infamous fight back into my head.
“Do you have any idea how opposite of love that is?”
I can’t say a light bulb clicks over my head. I don’t know if it’s a eureka, but I think that insight could be a light for my path, illuminating how I should go forward, one step at a time. I want to pay Aunt Ruthie ten years of counseling fees for it.
Who needs Dr. Ramirez?