GRADEN
I guess I should have been prepared. But I wasn't.
All the blood leaves my head, and I want to die. She's smart and she's right. She should hold off for someone who can give her more…you know what? Fuck that.
I will give her everything. Every damn thing.
She loves me. I know she does. And she might be smart, but she's got blinders on if she thinks this kind of love comes around more than once.
"You haven't been honest with me." She's pale and shaking, so I pull her down to the floor with me rather than chance her hurting herself if she really is going to pass out.
"What are you talking about?"
"When you sent me into your room, you forgot there were two checkbooks. One I brought to you. The other…"
Shit. "Prime Trust."
She raises her watery eyes to mine. "Well?"
"It's not what you think." I have no idea what she's thinking. It's probably exactly what she thinks.
"Tell me what it is then."
"It's not a big deal."
"Really? I think it's a pretty big deal. Either you paid for my entire college education, including room and board. Or you have somehow stolen the checkbook of a trust account and are forging checks. Something tells me it's the first one."
"I was going to tell you."
"When?" She draws her legs up like she did on the couch the other day when she was closing up on herself. "So, I'm your charity case."
"What? No."
"You paid for my education. You won't take rent for the condo." Her eyes widen. "Oh my God. The condo? You never even lived here. You got it for me, didn't you?" She slaps a palm over her forehead. "And the car. What else? Were you personally lining up all my dates for me? And when I couldn't close a deal, you stepped in and took one for the team? I'm so stupid. I thought…"
"You're not stupid. I've been taking care of you, yeah. But everything between us is real."
"Real? Are you joking right now? How can it be real if you were never honest with me? Did you get me my job too?"
I shake my head. "No, baby. I swear. That's all you. I was just trying to help. Trying to do what Cam asked. Take care of you."
She hunches over like I just hit her in the stomach. Fuck. I am bad at this. "Cameron? This is all about Cameron?" She starts rocking. "I knew it was too good to be true. You know, after he died…everything was so bad. But then things started going my way. I thought maybe he was an angel looking out for me. The scholarship, God, that was everything. I didn't have to worry about anything for four years. When I won that car…when you asked me to housesit? I should have known. The only honest thing in my life has been that no man wants to be with me. But you swooped right in to fix that, too. Didn't you?"
"It's not like that and you know it."
I put my hand on her shoulder, but she shivers away from my touch. Like I'm going to hurt her. Fuck.
"What I know, Graden, is that nothing in my life is real."
"I'm real. I swear to God, Becks. I'm real." I stop myself from reaching for her again. "You're pissed and I get that. I should have told you a long time ago about the scholarship. Cameron…he was my best friend. He loved you and your parents so much. He asked me to look out for you—and I knew I had nothing to offer but money. So I made sure you got it without ever feeling like you owed me anything. It was all for Cameron."
"You think Cameron wanted you to fuck me?"
Now I recoil like she sucker-punched me. And she did.
"No. No, I think he would make sure nobody ever found my body. I'm not good enough for you. I know that. Cam sure as hell would have known that. I never meant to fall for you."
She rolls her eyes. "Right. Because I am just impossible to resist. God. It would have been kinder for you to just tell me I was fat and plain and that's why no one wanted to go out with me twice. What you did…making me feel things that weren't true. Making me feel beautiful and wanted…that was cruel."
"Sweetheart, you are beautiful. So fucking beautiful. And I hate that I hurt you. I knew I would screw this up. Hurt you. I never meant to. When you asked me to teach you…"
"Oh, God. I am so lame." Her hands cover her face. Hiding from me.
"You are so perfect. You are everything to me." I want to touch her so bad. Wipe away all the doubts.
"Rebecca, look at me."
She shakes her head.
"C'mon, baby. Look at me."
Her hands lower. "Don't call me baby."
"I bought you a ring yesterday. Do you think I would do that just to help you get a second date with someone?"
"You have bought my entire life for five years. So, yes. It's extremely likely that you have some misplaced guilt or feelings of debt to my brother and were willing to sacrifice your future to make sure you honored your promise to him to take care of me. In fact, once you slept with me, you probably felt like you had to marry me. To appease Cam."
"You think I faked everything the last few days?"
"I don't want to. But how can I trust anything you say when you've been hiding huge secrets from me? I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me. I want to be your equal. Your partner. Not a promise to my brother. Not a burden."
I can't believe I never thought of how she might feel finding out this way. "You're not a burden. I swear. Since the moment I stepped foot in this condo, I've been in love with you. I tried to fight it. I didn't think I was good enough for you. I still don't. And I will always take care of you. That's not going to change. Whether you're my wife or the woman who won't speak to me that I just have to fucking love from afar like some idiot from one of those romantic movies you like so much. Rebecca, you are mine, and I am yours and that will never change."
"I can't do this. I'm sorry."
"Please don't tell me this is over. I can't…please don't." It figures that the one damn time I ever wanted anything, I was going to lose it.
"I'm going to go stay with Jenn while I look for a new place to live."
Inside my head, I was screaming, but I kept a lid on it and tried to keep calm. "You don't have to do that. Stay here. I'll go. You stay."
"It's your condo. I need…I need to figure out how to build a life without my guardian angel paying all my bills. I know you were doing what you thought was best for me, and that you didn't mean to hurt me. But I'd never have let you do all this for me if I'd known. And I think you knew that or you would have been honest from the beginning. It's not just that I feel in your debt, Graden, though I do. The other problem is that you think it's in your rights to lie to me to get the desired achievement. And that's not okay. Despite your heart being in the right place, it's not okay for you to take away my choices or protect me from the truth." She paused. "You need to let me go."
"I don't think I can do that."
"You need to figure out how. And I need to learn how to stand on my own, without your help."
She's already made up her mind. The shell-shocked gaze is gone, and in its place, a quiet determined look. "Will you give me a chance? Please, Rebecca."
"I don't ever see us being together. Not really."
My heart cracks like she's wielding a sledgehammer instead of a steely reserve. "And what if you're pregnant?"
"I'll call you. I promise."
Because she is honest and wouldn't hide things from me. Unlike me.
I know I need to let her go. I won't give up. But I understand what she's saying. She's independent, and I have been keeping her in a cage without even telling her.
I honestly don't know how to go back to the guy I was even a month ago.
I guess I taught her how to break me after all.