REBECCA
After things got so heated in the dressing room, I wasn't sure what to expect. Graden was obviously not unaffected by the sight of me in that sexy chemise. Leslie had been right when she told me that. And she had been right telling me not to disclose that she knew we weren't a couple. To play along so he would make a move.
Except I feel really guilty that I kept that from him. That's so not me. Playing games. It doesn't help that I got what I wanted. I even think he would have kissed me if we had another thirty seconds of time before the interruption.
But Graden returned to normal by the time we got home. No more growly, domineering hot male. To my utter and complete disappointment.
Maybe just the sight of a woman in underwear created a normal reaction that any guy would have felt at the moment. And like all the other guys I've gone out with, once the moment was over, Graden moved on.
I'm forgettable that way.
I don't want to act like nothing happened, but my pride is insisting that I don't show him how much he affected me. I can't deal with the rejection and still live here in this house with him. So, I'll just pretend the rejection isn't happening. That nothing out of the ordinary is happening. We're just roommates. Friends.
I'll figure out my guy problems without him. It's what I should have done to begin with. No more fantasizing about the hot guy I live with. No more pretending he's mine. No more remembering how wet he made me in the dressing room. I had to buy that lingerie I tried on because I completely ruined it.
I put the finishing touches on my makeup and slide out of my room quietly, hoping he's still napping on the couch where I made him rest his foot after walking around the mall.
I smooth down the fabric of my blouse. I wanted to buy a couple more sexy outfits today, but we didn’t shop any more after we left the lingerie store, so I'm making do with an outfit I already had in my closet. Usually, I use two more buttons, but I'm going for broke tonight. I have big boobs—I might as well use them.
I'm changing strategies. Instead of having Graden help me get to date number three with a man so I can sleep with him and lose my virginity, I decided to just go get laid tonight. Maybe once I cross first-time sex off my bucket list, I'll be able to concentrate on meeting someone with relationship qualities because my lack of experience won't be hanging over my head. I was wrong in thinking that it should mean something and to wait for the right guy. I think my virginity is holding me back. Someday, I'll have sex with someone I love, I hope. I still want to find my future husband, if such a man exists.
But tonight, I need to have sex with someone willing and able and not worry about what Future Rebecca wants. I have to stop hoping for what isn't going to happen with Graden, too.
"You're walking like Elmer Fudd when he was hunting wabbits." Graden's voice startles me as I'm reaching for the doorknob. "Are you sneaking out for a reason?"
Yes, I'm sneaking out because I didn’t want to face him. So much for that plan.
I turn, holding my purse to my chest so he doesn't see the cleavage I'm sporting. "I wanted you to rest. I left a note for you on the fridge."
He stretches, his massive arms reaching into the air, and his heavily lidded eyes are so sleep-sexy that I wish I could curl up with him and join him in a nap. Or other bedtime activities. But no. Not going there. Not thinking about that. Not anymore. Not after he treated me like a sex goddess in front of that mirror and then turned it off the minute we left the store.
It's humiliating, really.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"Out."
He raises his eyebrows. So I lift my chin in defiance. I don't have to tell him where I'm going. He's not my keeper.
"You have a date or something?"
I'm tempted to tell him yes, just to see if he gets jealous. But I won't. We are done playing that game. "I'm going out with friends. I'll probably crash at Jenn's, so I'll see you tomorrow."
His demeanor changes. Tenses. His face goes stone cold. "What's going on?"
"Nothing."
"You're acting weird."
"I'm really not. Just going out. Wicket is playing at The Dive, and I've told you how much Jenn likes to watch her boyfriend's band play live."
He stands up, testing his foot. "You've told me Jenn likes to make sure nobody hits on her boyfriend at Wicket's shows."
I smile. "That too." We don't say anything for a beat too long, making it super awkward. I hate this, the way things feel weird between us. I wish I hadn't had a taste of what it feels like to be wanted by him. It makes the absence of it ache in my heart.
"You want me to give you a ride? I can pick you up so you don't need to worry about driving."
"No, that's okay. I'm meeting Jenn at her house, and she's driving tonight. I'll just crash there…" Or somewhere else, maybe, if all goes according to plan. It's harder to imagine going someplace with another man when Graden is right here in front of me. But that's why I have to do it. I can't keep pretending he's mine. He barely said two words to me before his nap. And now I dread whatever he might say because it obviously isn't what I want to hear. I need to let him go.
"About today…"
I hold my hand up. "It's okay. I understand."
"You do?"
I nod. "We got carried away. Playing like we were an item, the lingerie, the idea that someone thought we were getting it on in there. It would be hard not to get a little worked up in that situation." I'm doing a great job of holding in the tears because what I really want to do is dissolve into a puddle of them so I don't have to face this moment where I'm making it so easy for him to reject me without hurting my feelings. "No harm, no foul though, right?"
"Becks…"
"I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow. I took a casserole out of the freezer. You can just pop it in the oven."
"Becks…"
I pause, but he doesn't fill the silence. And that tells me what I need to know.
"Bye, Graden."